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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone else blame their partner for their family being poor?

123 replies

lemonface · 19/01/2019 10:28

I feel like a right cow and I know I am probably BU but...
My DP has his own business, 12 years it's been going and he works so hard but I just don't think it works as he ends up paying the people who work for him much more than he gets and we never have any money! Always overdrawn and can't afford anything to go wrong with house etc as never able to save. He doesn't spend anything except on bare essentials.
I work 30 hours and feel pretty trapped in my job as I haven't been able to study or get a better higher paying job because I have been supporting his business and bringing up the kids. He always says it will get better but it doesn't and I feel he could have put his career on hold as I did and let me study or further my career and he stand back and we would be in a better place now.
I know it's shitty but it really pisses me off and I'm so resentful now as all our friends and family seem to go on nice holidays etc and we struggle so much.
AIBU?

OP posts:

User758172 · 19/01/2019 13:31

I think it's a primal instinct for females to seek a breeding partner with high earning potential

It’s true that most women marry ‘up’ economically, and men are more likely to marry ‘down’.

Annasgirl · 19/01/2019 13:31

He has two choices. He sells you and works for a competitor, my DH is in a similar position but cannot work for other people so that won't work for him.

Or employ a business manager even part time to sort out the finances and book in work so your husband can do the paying part of the job.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 19/01/2019 13:37

I think it's a primal instinct for females to seek a breeding partner with high earning potential

Sorry, but I think that's the vilest reason for choosing a "breeding partner" [ugh!] ever. And in that scenario, more fool the breeder for going along with it.

The whole idea of this literally makes me shudder!

User758172 · 19/01/2019 13:44

@RedHatsDoNotSuitMe

It’s a sensible thing to consider.

Original poster

lemonface · 19/01/2019 13:51

Well we were both high achievers at school in different parts of the country but made choices which didn't involve university and did involve lots of partying. It's both our faults for the choices we made I suppose but I just feel trapped.
I can see that there are ways out and I appreciate the advice. Need to have a chat about the business plan and whether one exists now. I hate talking to him about it as he comes up with all these reasons why it is not yet successful. He can't really do the actual job for hat much longer and will need to manage the team as his body is knackered from climbing trees etc. which means it's hard to work for someone else I guess.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 19/01/2019 13:54

if there are reasons then he needs to be looking at solutions

user1457017537 · 19/01/2019 14:05

There really is no point in working if you are not going to invoice clients or get behind. Have you considered factoring. Does the business own plant and is the machinery expensive. If so, there may be considerable capital tied up in assets.

BarbarianMum · 19/01/2019 14:09

Oh well if it's forestry (excluding tree surgery) then the reality is that it's not very profitable unless you run a big organisation and sometimes even then. Huge amount of mechanisation these days for the big jobs (am assuming he's not got millions in kit somewhere).

Would he consider taking a job with one of the big firms (bearing in mind that if he dud he may need to be on the road/away from home regularly)?

C8H10N4O2 · 19/01/2019 14:18

He can't really do the actual job for hat much longer

That is one of the biggest arguments for making a change. It is hard to make money out of small businesses in forestry/landscaping/building anyway. If you haven't built it up enough to pay others to do the physical work before your body starts suffering then you will struggle forever.

What are the options for him getting a supervisory/site management type role in a large forestry company? At least it would be a regular income with more predictability allowing breathing space to make other changes.

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2019 14:38

It's both our faults for the choices we made I suppose but I just feel trapped

And that's fair. It's fine to look at others who made different choices and realise yours did not lead you to the same lifestyle. What's not fair is looking at your partner and resenting and blaming him, like you were just along for the ride and had no choice, that life just happened to you. You wouldn't like it if he resented and blamed you. And he could. Just as easy as you are resenting and blaming him,

KissHerYouBrilliantFool · 19/01/2019 14:39

I think you've had some really harsh responses on this thread, OP.

I would be totally pissed off if my husband faffed around for a whopping 12 years on a business not making any money! He may as well have just done voluntary work for 12 years! Plus it sounds as though you've had to do everything in the home and for the DC to accommodate his 'business'

He may be good at what he does, and he might well enjoy the work, but he needs to sort himself out and either work out a way to make the business profitable, or get a job elsewhere. It's not fair that you have to carry the can all the time.

The fact that he forgets to invoice clients makes it seem as though he doesn't take the business side of things seriously, and is happy to just let you earn every penny.

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2019 14:41

How much do you earn versus what he earns op?

EngagedAgain · 19/01/2019 14:45

If part if this problem is he's getting older and can't do so much himself, then if he loves that area of work he could concentrate more on the proper running of it, and might find he actually makes more money. Find ways to pare back the outgoings. Create more work, negotiate prices. I don't know anything about that particular business and not read all OP has explained so apologies if it's a barmy idea!

MacarenaFerreiro · 19/01/2019 14:48

If he's charging going rate, and paying his staff the going rate, and still chasing his tail not making ant money then there is something else going on.

He's either working totally inefficiently and taking twice as long to do things as other carpenters/electricians/plumbers. Or being ripped off buying supplies. Or just not understanding the basics of margin.

Boysandbuses · 19/01/2019 14:51

I think it's a primal instinct for females to seek a breeding partner with high earning potential.

well then clearly I am defective. I have never had an urge to pick my partner or earning potential or reduce my hours when I had kids. I remained working full time and am the higher earner.....and I am happy.

Talk about bullshit. We aren't driven by our primal urges anymore and I don't know any man who has married 'down', in terms of earning potential. Then I don't know any women, that have sought partners based on their earning potential.

Talking about primal urges is exactly the problem women have. Men have a primal urge to be the alpha. Men who don't confirm find it difficult, men who behave shittily are given a free pass etc.

Grow up.

Ok feeling trapped. I totally get and you now need to make a plan together. As I said, I was in this situation and i left. I am much happier with my partner who earns less than me but it's regular and makes things easier.

puzzledlady · 19/01/2019 14:55

You are both to blame - and how mean of
You to blame him for it! Imagine if he came on here blaming you For the struggles you’re facing. Poor form OP.

EngagedAgain · 19/01/2019 14:57

Maybe lemon face you could help him with that to start with and see it as an investment in all your futures and you're doing a worthwhile thing. Then when the children are just a little older you can find something fulfilling for yourself.
I know someone who made alot of money in landscaping, tree surgery all that sort of thing, and had alot of equipment. I think alot of people do and even gardening. There's quite a demand for that.

It might seem a bit of a come down but if you're making a good living who cares. It would be physically easier and he may not have to employ anyone.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/01/2019 17:42

I think it's a primal instinct for females to seek a breeding partner with high earning potential

Sorry, but I think that's the vilest reason for choosing a "breeding partner" [ugh!] ever. And in that scenario, more fool the breeder for going along with it.

The whole idea of this literally makes me shudder!

Shudder away, but the evidence is all around you, beautiful young women with mates who are appear unremarkable but who have high status, typically through wealth or power, or a combination of both.

EngagedAgain · 19/01/2019 18:05

This primal instinct thing - surely it's no different to a woman thousands of years ago choosing a man because he was a good hunter!

Boysandbuses · 19/01/2019 18:19

And if we all acted on just our primal instincts?

BarbarianMum · 19/01/2019 19:53

But what primal instinct are we talking here? In hunter-gatherer societies most of the family's energy budget is provided by women (from gathering). Men are more for defence and the occasional bit of meat/skins. So as long as the OP's dh is (literally) keeping the wolf from the door and bunging her the odd pack of sausages, then job done - primal instinct satisfied. I suppose he could play a role in stopping another male killing her children and raping/enslaving her too, but these days we have the police for that.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/01/2019 20:10

OP I see why you're annoyed. If you're looking after the kids at evenings and weekends and picking up the slack at home it must be very frustrating when it feels like it's all for nothing - normally when a household is set up like that it's because one person is a much higher earner than the other so the higher earner does more work related things and the lower earner picks up the slack at home.

If he doesn't make a profit would it matter if he dropped his hours or number of clients? You need to have a talk about changing things as it's your turn to take some time to invest in his career.

You might just have to look into different ways of doing it. Getting more childcare or an au pair or something while you study. Him agreeing to do something else if profits are not x by y deadline. You taking a job that offers training on the job. But you need to sit down and discuss a plan for the family together - not just a load of excuses

TornFromTheInside · 20/01/2019 01:22

Shudder away, but the evidence is all around you, beautiful young women with mates who are appear unremarkable but who have high status, typically through wealth or power, or a combination of both.

That doesn't make it a primal urge for women. It means that some women are attracted to money / power, or simply they fancy a slice of it themselves - they aren't attracted to the man.
Furthermore, if women had the same level of power and wealth, they wouldn't need to do this, so it's hardly a primal urge is it? - it's a function of lack of power and wealth and a means to an end.
And finally, there are women AND men who have such characteristics, so it seems folly to suggest women have this primal urge if men have it too - it ceases to be a female urge, but a human one - albeit only in SOME humans, hardly all.
There are countless attractive men and women with less attractive partners and a mixed range of earnings between the two.
Primal urge my arse.

Klopptimist · 20/01/2019 01:38

I think it's a primal instinct for females to seek a breeding partner with high earning potential

How do you explain lesbians then? And childfree (through choice) women?

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 20/01/2019 09:46

Apologies for the derail, lemonface. I'm not commenting on your situation because I don't have anything to say... I feel like I understand both sides of the argument, and I feel for you/your DH/the situation

Shudder away, but the evidence is all around you, beautiful young women with mates who are appear unremarkable but who have high status, typically through wealth or power, or a combination of both

I'm still proud to be shuddering @Myimaginarycathasfleas @MrsAriadneOliver

Primal instinct my arse!

If someone chooses a "breeding partner" based on their earning status, then they deserve everything they get in the future. What about the many, many posts on here from women who's ex partners pay nothing or woefully below what they easily could afford?

When I got together with my now DH it was "I fancy you rotten. You make me think. You make me laugh. You say things that literally blindside me. You show me perspectives on things I'd never thought about before. We have great sex". We discussed things like politics, whether or not we wanted children, whether or not we wanted to grow old together, what our hopes and dreams were. Our belief systems, our morals. Whether we liked pets. Music. What we did for fun. Did our friends like each other?

When we met, my DH was a mature student (earning precisely fuck all) getting a post-grad degree in something cerebral and utterly useless to almost every employer (so nothing great about his earning potential to appeal to my primal instincts there). AND his family lived in a council house (so no estate to be inherited). He was (and still is!) a lot older than I am, so we talked a lot about the end stage of our (potential) marriage (probably more than most couples). He was worried I would have to become his carer, that I'd be alone at a relatively young age (his dad died 4 years before I met him) and insisted we discussed it a lot before he married me.

NOT ONCE did either of us ever consider what he might one day earn so that I could live in the style to which I would like to become accustomed.

Greedy, grabby, utterly vile.

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