Anyone else blame their partner for their family being poor?

[lemonface]

I feel like a right cow and I know I am probably BU but...
My DP has his own business, 12 years it's been going and he works so hard but I just don't think it works as he ends up paying the people who work for him much more than he gets and we never have any money! Always overdrawn and can't afford anything to go wrong with house etc as never able to save. He doesn't spend anything except on bare essentials.
I work 30 hours and feel pretty trapped in my job as I haven't been able to study or get a better higher paying job because I have been supporting his business and bringing up the kids. He always says it will get better but it doesn't and I feel he could have put his career on hold as I did and let me study or further my career and he stand back and we would be in a better place now.
I know it's shitty but it really pisses me off and I'm so resentful now as all our friends and family seem to go on nice holidays etc and we struggle so much.
AIBU?

I too was a bit shocked at that comment so happy to derail

I thought there was some evidence to say that people often went for DPs who were of a similar attractiveness but never heard of it it being a thing to pick someone based on earning potential!

My DP was lots of fun, clever and a risk taker like I was! Did not consider his earning potential and although I'm annoyed at this situation, part of me admires that he would never employ people that he could get away with paying pennies too or cut corners in anyway because he has good morals, I am wondering if this doesn't go alongside being successful!!

Thanks, Lemon. FWIW, I'd rather be with a "good" person as well .

Imagine if you were rich and knowing it was partly due to the deliberate exploitation of others when it was within your means to control? (I'm not talking about you, but if you were rich off an industry which trafficked, or if you owned a sweatshop, etc)

I think in the nicest possible way you need to agree a timeline to make it profitable enough to continue or call it a day - say a year-18 months.

If he can't cut costs (assume he's already looked in to that) then he has to increase his prices and / or get some new clients.

If he increased his prices but then also did something small as a value add then clients will probably more readily accept it.

Can he do anything else to make use of the land or tools? These might be silly ideas but could he hire the tools outvon weekends to private gardners when not in use? Could some of the land be use recreationally on weekends (if safe)? Could he take on apprentices so gets free/cheaper labour so can cut down on permanent staff?

Ultimately he needs to think of drastic measures to keep going and if all his clients leave because he's put his prices up then unfortunately the business is not viable.

Unfortunately there just seem to be some business areas which are just very difficult to make money from unless there's economies of scale, which is why so many really lovely coffee shops and cafes, which are much nicer than starbucks still shut down.

But relating to your original OP, it is understandable to start feeling resentful. I gad a relationship for 7 years with someone who ran their own business. We both lost a lot of money (both in real terms and opportunity cost) and in the end it was the nsin factor in us splitting up as I could see that it was never going to get better and I didn't want my life to be a struggle.

The man I ended up marrying was and is financially in a decent place, anyone who says this isn't a factor in who they choose as a partner is perhaps not being that honest with themselves.

Difficult as it might be for him to give up his business it might end up being the best thing that's happened to him. And he can always blame his health or his age etc.

12 years and you are not making money? He needs to employ less people, put his prices up or close the business. Our business has been running for 12 years, we employ one person so 3 of us and we are rushed off our feet! We are not the cheapest at all in what we do but we do a good job and no longer advertise anywhere as we could not possibly take on anymore work.

I honestly don't u understand this.

I think that working for someone else brings its own set of problems.

DP has always been a salaried member of staff. He wouldn't have it any other way but we have had years when he hasn't worked after redundancies and lay offs. Even when he has had year service contracts, companies have gone bankrupt and he has ended up having worked the previous 4 weeks for no pay.
Personally I think you are better off being self employed than working for someone else.

However I think your dh needs to sit down and look at the harsh realities of his life and work.

I think a smarter way of working might be for him to take a step back from the manual labour side of things and take care of the admin side of things. If he has a good team a good reputation and the equipment and wants to continue being self employed this could be a way forward.

Whilst the profit would be down if everyone is being invoiced there would still be a profit but also it would give him time to look at other money making areas.

Would some gardening work or residential tree surgery be another area he could expand into.

I don't know much about forestry or your dhs skill set but just having a sit down and a brain storm might be useful.

Has he read the book Rich Dad Poor Dad.
It isn't a particularly great written book but the ideas behind it might give him a different insight into how he runs his business

anyone who says this isn't a factor in who they choose as a partner is perhaps not being that honest with themselves.

Why do people make such sweeping statements?

It's not a factor for me and who are you to tell me I am not being honest? Is it a factor for men too, even though they are more likely to become the main wage earner?

Dp is nowhere near as financially secure as me. It wasn't a factor for us. He is amazing and kind and loves me. He fully supports my career, because he knew mine was so important to me. He does loads at home to facilitate my career. If/when we have a child he will be the one to be sahp or reduce hours. Because we discussed that I already have children that I had young and won't take the hit to my career again.

So no, dps wage or financial security isn't a factor because he brings so much more to the table that his wage is by the by.

Came on to respond properly to this statement:
...evidence is all around you, beautiful young women with mates who are appear unremarkable but who have high status, typically through wealth or power, or a combination of both
Whilst I DO agree that wealth, power (and, indeed, fame) attract people, I don't agree that the people it attracts are necessarily thinking "breeding partner" and I don't think you can state this as a fact.

But while I'm here, I agree with Boysandbuses

The man I ended up marrying was and is financially in a decent place, anyone who says this isn't a factor in who they choose as a partner is perhaps not being that honest with themselves.

Not only was it not a factor when I was considering marrying my DH, he had bugger all potential at the time. I earned a gazillion times more than he did (not that I earned a lot, but he was a student and had no income) and I STILL married him. Because... ya know... I LOVED him.

part of me admires that he would never employ people that he could get away with paying pennies too or cut corners in anyway because he has good morals, I am wondering if this doesn't go alongside being successful!!

Morals? My arse! he just cant run a business. He can do forestry but cant plan, cash flow or market or one of these or all of these.

I have to say Lemon I found this a bit insulting. We run our own business. We pay all of our workers (even those on traditionally the bottom of the wage rung like our cleaner) way above the living wage. We don't pay pennies, we don't cut corner and certainly consider myself to have morals. And yes, we are very successful - 5% year on year growth in the last 15+ years at least (some years double figures). This isn't a stealth boast. Its because we have a business plan, financial forecast and we review it every year to ensure we stay on track. We also make use of all the business advice and support that we can.

I think you are just making excuses for him and yourself now about why you are in the situation you are in. And carry on doing that, and nothing will change. This is never going to improve. Unless you like martyrdom and never having the nice things others have then you both need to take a proper look at this business.

have you seen the business plan and the financial forecasts?

I don't think it's fair to blame your partner for your financial situation. It's a joint responsibility that you share.

If I had relied on DH to make us rich, we'd be piss poor right now tbh. Thankfully, my own career has made us pretty comfortable, mortgage paid off etc.

By all means, talk to your DH about what he could do differently, but accept that you could also make changes to bring in more income.

I think between you you have the potential to put things right. It's all come to a head and is crunch time. Have a timescale and/or a back up plan. It's great your dp has morals but so do alot of successful business people. As a pp Olivers I think said it's not all rosy being employed. There are alot of people who are happiest self employed and one of the benefits is the flexibility.

I worked and studied with three under three’s at home so it can be done OP, you’re making excuses. Lots of people do it through the OU.

Agreed he should consider packing the business in though. You’re both equally to blame.

Is he making no money or just not as much as you'd like? If it's the former tell him to be a SAHD and you up your hours to full time.

Sorry, I thought the title said parents

I was the same as you OP. 10 years of supporting a business that never provided material benefits for us. I burnt out. We are now divorcing.

Just read it's forestry - put simply, you're doomed. Anything landbased is never going to be subsistence, if that. It always requires a) hefty inheritance, b) previous well paid career c) well paid partner.

*above subsistence

It's not a primal urge, it's a decision made by some women in a society that was originally set up to benefit men at women's expense by making it almost impossible for women to live independently. Therefore women had to 'seek a high earner' or a man who was at least solvent, because a penniless layabout would mean she and her DC starved. Now women can legally earn and manage their own money, it's less important and they choose men to mate with for other reasons.

Just to update- we had a big chat about it. He doesn't have a business plan, he doesn't know how to do one and can't see what it would achieve. He has made recent changes by joining up with someone else in the same business so I will see how that goes.

He said I could write a business plan but I don't know where to start, I will look into it though.

Unfortunately businesses are being hit hard , there is someone who is always prepared to undercut to get the jobs , because everyone ( and that does include everyone on here ) wants jobs done for next to nothing / deliveries done for free etc . It will be very hard for your husband to separate his heart from his head OP , he could do with some impartial business advice

Lemon if he'll let you why don't you write a business plan. Work out some facts from your last few years account s and extrapolate. Do those invoices for him in the evening. Why not make your extra job doing his admin to a really high standard. A couple f evenings a week well spent

Like others said upthread don't be disheartened by paying they staff more than him. I'm in a similar business (contract farming) and we take home less than our staff. The rest goes into upgrading machinery etc. I'm fine with that as I can see the long term benefit but it's not clear at first.

*I think it's a primal instinct for females to seek a breeding partner with high earning potential

Sorry, but I think that's the vilest reason for choosing a "breeding partner" [ugh!] ever. And in that scenario, more fool the breeder for going along with it*

Unpalatable perhaps but not untrue. Few women, when seeking a man to settle down and start a family with, seek a man who is unemployed or earning minimum wage. On a practical level it means a lower standard of living, less choices in life, less resources for raising children.

For a lot of women, power is sexy. And power goes hand in hand with wealth, giving a man higher social status than his lower earning peers. However much we try to dress it up, powerful, high earning men are generally viewed as more attractive than low earners with low social status.

I remember reading a study about how women show a preference for men with high testosterone when ovulating, yet have no preference the rest of the month. The women consistently preferred the men with high testosterone during their fertile period. It doesn't make sense in modern society yet evolution hasn't stamped it out yet.

I don't think we should dismiss the idea that many females prefer high status, resourceful males who can give children a better start in life. It's not 'fair' or particularly nice but it's true for most of the animal kingdom, and humans are not so different.

Everything OneStepSidewards said. And if anyone doubts this, note that it’s not the hospital porters that nurses chase after, no matter now nice they are.