Anyone else blame their partner for their family being poor?

[lemonface]

I feel like a right cow and I know I am probably BU but...
My DP has his own business, 12 years it's been going and he works so hard but I just don't think it works as he ends up paying the people who work for him much more than he gets and we never have any money! Always overdrawn and can't afford anything to go wrong with house etc as never able to save. He doesn't spend anything except on bare essentials.
I work 30 hours and feel pretty trapped in my job as I haven't been able to study or get a better higher paying job because I have been supporting his business and bringing up the kids. He always says it will get better but it doesn't and I feel he could have put his career on hold as I did and let me study or further my career and he stand back and we would be in a better place now.
I know it's shitty but it really pisses me off and I'm so resentful now as all our friends and family seem to go on nice holidays etc and we struggle so much.
AIBU?

And to the person who said that I chose to stay with him well it seems a bit harsh to end a relationship of 20 years because he doesn't earn enough.

And to the person who said that I chose to stay with him well it seems a bit harsh to end a relationship of 20 years because he doesn't earn enough

Not any harsher for blaming and resenting him because uou also don't bring in enough to support your family to the standard you'd like. Is he posting he resents you not earning enough so he can holiday?

he's supposed to work the running costs into whatever he charges for the service/product and be left with at least 30% profit after everything is paid and accounted for running wise and a portion back into the business for growth. If not then it's not a viable business. Work out the numbers and how to get it growing/more profitable or ditch it

And to the person who said that I chose to stay with him well it seems a bit harsh to end a relationship of 20 years because he doesn't earn enough.

Well it's not just that though is it? He refuses to change anything and expects you to pick up the slack.

So you do have a choice really. Work more yourself to bring in more money, put up with it or leave him so you can progress eventually.

His prices are comparable, he wouldn't get work if he charged more.

Or he can lay people off/give them a paycut.

He also pays the going rate so his good workers would go elsewhere if he cut their pay, thanks for the ideas though.

Bluntness, I wasn't portraying all women like that, or as silly, it's just a lot of women do do that and actually I've been one of those women myself, and I'm pleased that women are much more aware now.

YABU - if you don't like your circumstances it's up to you to change them. I appreciate it's easier to blame him for draining your time/energy but you need to make a plan for improve your own earning power and act on it.

lemonface - does he have a business plan? does he have an annual financial forecast?

of course he is well respected - hes too bloody cheap and everyone respects a business that gives them the best quality at the lowest prices!!

he needs to stop working in his business and start working on his business. he can love his job til the cows come home but if you cant live on it, you cant live on it.

some people are really good at doing "the thing" that might be making a craft type "thing" or building websites or making widgets. that's great. but that doesn't mean that they can run a business. and that is the mistake huge numbers of people make. really good business people (think lord sugar) can run any business they want and do it well. they aren't good at the "thing" that the business does but they do know about pricing and marketing and business planning and all the other things that it takes to move the "making the thing" to "running a business" he needs advice or he needs to stop.

You work 30 hours a week. What are you doing with the rest of your time. Brake it down and it will determine whether you ABU or not. I study, have a full time 45 hour a week business, support my husbands business, volunteer 20 plus hours a week and run my home on top. What are you doing on a night?

When you say you’re there for the kids, how old are they. Lots of single mums study and look after their kids perfectly well. You really do seem to be making excuses.

With respect you are saying a lot of things wouldn’t work or help so what would? If other people run similar businesses and do make money how do they do It?

My mother always grumbled about my dad’s inability to make enough money from his small business and whilst she may have been right I don’t think it did much for his self esteem and she also took very low paid part time jobs when she was capable of much more.

MIL also made FIL feel a failure because he didn’t get any big promotions. In fact both men supported their large families and did their best. Not everyone is a high flier or a natural businessman.

Perhaps coming up with solid ideas and a plan for both of you to work towards would be more effective than just feeling dissatisfied?

His business is failing.

If he is charging as much as he can, he needs to lower costs. If he wants the best equipment and the best people, he needs to be able to charge more money. If he can't get business doing that, his business is not profitable.

There must be a way everyone else is making it work because they won't have been running at a loss for 12 years, that is insanity. Especially if you've contributed too, you're an extra staff member he hasn't had to pay...

He either makes the business profitable or he needs to find other work. He can't support his family on what he has. You need to look into what you can do too. Have a proper conversation about it, with all the figures and finances in front of you.

Does he have an accountant? A business advisor? Has he ever taken any advice on whether this can be profitable?

I've dabbled in self employment. I currently am. I can't afford to not be profitable, it's not an option because it's not how I want my family to live. Let alone 12 years of being unprofitable. He might love it but he's had far, far more than a fair run here.

What do his books say? Is there any profit? If not, then he is literally paying for the prestige of owning his own business.

Can he not do what he’s doing but work for someone else? That way he’d have a steady income, job security and not have the hassle of running a business.

When my husband started his business we gave it three years to start turning a profit (high start up costs, equipment etc) You know by then if it’s going to be profitable really. Thankfully he turned a profit in his first year and that has grown every year since.

I’m sure your husband is a hard worker but we know so, so many people in trades who are very good at what they do, but they’re just not good at running a business. Sadly, many of them just want to call themselves a company director and don’t give a shit that their spouses are having to do everything else at home as well as bringing in the money.

Matilda - I agree. OP if nothing changes then nothing changes.

your partner needs a business plan and financial forecast and he needs them now. lots of help on line, lots of local business groups in your area that can help, there always are. No one after 12 years should be earning less than their staff - no one. you both know this deep down. so one of you has to be the person to make the changes. I do some work on small business advice and the first meeting with the business owner is "I cant do that " " I wont do that" "if I do that no one will work for me./buy from me" etc. those that do a plan are either reinvigorated and go on to make their business successful or they look at it and realise that they actually cant make this work.

Sticking to the point - if you two are generally happy together I'm sure you will be able to work something out. It sounds like its time for change and if he don't want to or can't change his work ie. No other skills, or a change of job makes him unhappy or no better wage, do you think he could somehow spare a bit more time to help you achieve your goals. Have you got parents that could help?

You could have done qualifications and sorted your career before you had children if you were so concerned. You chose to have children when you did so you can’t blame your husband. It’s 2019 the man isn’t always the bread winner.

His business doesn’t sound like it’s viable though, it maybe time to have a serious chat about him getting a job that pays, you’ll probably be better off for fewer hours and far less stress.

Would he make more money by doing the same job, but working for someone else?
Could he look at selling his business (equipment, staff and cont(r)acts) to the competition, and getting a job with the new company as part of the deal. He wouldn't need to get a lot of money for it, but it would mean he doesn't have to lay off his staff.

As Janice said he may be hardworking which is a good quality but not so good at running a business. It depends on how much longer he buries his head in the sand. You both need to look at a future plan instead of just drifting along, although he seems happy to? Sorry if I've missed something, you're obviously not. Hope you can work something out op.

Think @mummymeister offers excellent advice. There may be things he's not thought of, which could improve profitability, or it may be that it just isn't viable. A fresh set of eyes could clarify that.

If you are working 30 hours, why can't you work full time ? Secondly, are you both paying into private pensions, where your employer adds free contributions ? Does he earn enough to save for a private pension. I believe the average UK wage is approx 26-28k per person, per year. Secondly, it is both your responsibility for your own career. Some jobs pay more for working nights or shifts. Some jobs offer in house training or free courses

Sympathies OP. Sounds stressful. I don't know the answer.
For me, my ex harped on about 'providing for his family' which amounted to a standard 9-5 job. Like he was some kind of hero. I worked FT too!

The big issue was attitudinal. I wanted to study, get a post-grad. He was that bad with money and so selfish with his time and hobbies, making it almost impossible for me to build a career pathway.

Support is vital, it's not straightforward to find several thousand pounds to study, and with the best will in the world, personal choices play a part, but they're not the whole picture.

You can only deal with you though.

Good luck.

Is he a builder OP?

My dh is and we run our business together.

DH is soft as shit, and also works with friends so I have to keep a tight rein on finances, otherwise he would overpay. I also now charge the business for my time doing the admin, as it needs someone to do the admin, and if I wasn't doing it then we would be paying an accountant. Which the business has to be able to afford to be viable.

I insist that it makes at least 10% profit each month. That 10% covers the insurance, any bank fees, any tools or kit. Then the rest is up to DH once I have taken my wage (£100 a week, which is about what we would pay an accountant for the year). He needs to earn a minimum amount each month to equate to what he would earn on his own ticket. Then it's up to him what he pays the lads. As you say, too little and he will lose them. But having consistent, regular work from a reliable employer counts for a lot in this industry.

You can get short term works for more money, but you might only be working 2 weeks at a time, then be off 2 weeks waiting for another start, so we tell the lads it's not top dollar, but we have consistent work, week in, week out for x amount of weeks.

DH loves having his own business. It allows him to earn more as he can make profit on the lads, it allows him a bit more choice on what contracts he takes on, and now we have really worked a proper financial plan, he earns more.

Your DH needs to do the same. Work out what he would earn working for someone else. He should always be earning more than the lads, because you are doing more work and also taking more risk (of not getting paid, tools needing replacing, equipment costs). He doesn't have to rip the lads off, just pay them properly. He also might have to deskill them a bit. We were working and paying for 4 skilled men. When we really looked at it, realistically 3 were doing the skilled work and 1 was labouring. So when one skilled man left, we replaced him with a labourer who costs 50% less. But the same amount of work was going up, it just meant we were maximising in the skills and reducing cost.

You need to sit down and go through the last 12 months bank stats. Work out the flat costs of running the business, then look at the labour costs and make sure DH can take a wage at least equivalent of what he would be paid if he were working for someone else. If the business can't do that, he either makes it pay by changing things or it folds and he gets a job.

whether the OP gets a job working 40 hours a week or takes on 2 or 3 jobs the issue will still be that one of the halves of this relationship works weekends, works late in the evenings etc and therefore doesn't do their share of childcare and earns jack shit.

Honestly, how many businesses have I worked with over the last 15+ years in exactly this same position. and all of them have the same excuses, reasons, pressures etc. all of them. please show him this thread. please make him draw up a business plan and financial forecast. you cant play at businesses not if you want them to be profitable. and that is the measure of a business - not how many hours you put in, not how many people you employ, not how many of your customers like you the best its about profit.