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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else blame their partner for their family being poor?

123 replies

lemonface · 19/01/2019 10:28

I feel like a right cow and I know I am probably BU but...
My DP has his own business, 12 years it's been going and he works so hard but I just don't think it works as he ends up paying the people who work for him much more than he gets and we never have any money! Always overdrawn and can't afford anything to go wrong with house etc as never able to save. He doesn't spend anything except on bare essentials.
I work 30 hours and feel pretty trapped in my job as I haven't been able to study or get a better higher paying job because I have been supporting his business and bringing up the kids. He always says it will get better but it doesn't and I feel he could have put his career on hold as I did and let me study or further my career and he stand back and we would be in a better place now.
I know it's shitty but it really pisses me off and I'm so resentful now as all our friends and family seem to go on nice holidays etc and we struggle so much.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Yabbers · 19/01/2019 12:23

No. My parents owe me nothing. They put a roof over my head and food in my belly. If parents give a child anything else, then that is a bonus and not a right.

Wow, what an incredibly low bar for parents to reach.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/01/2019 12:31

Is he posting he resents you not earning enough so he can holiday?

If he did he would be a cheeky fucker as she is both working and carrying the home responsibilities to support his aspirations to run a business.

OP after 12 yrs if he isn't making a living its time to wind up the business and change jobs even if the short term doesn't bring any improvement. One or both of you needs to be able to change jobs to bring in a living, that may require taking work he doesn't really want to tide over the transition period, just as you have done for the last N years.

Original poster
lemonface · 19/01/2019 12:42

He is not a builder he runs a forestry company. His workers need lots of 'tickets' to be able to use machinery so are hard to come by and good ones particularly hard so he tells me. The premises where the machinery and vehicles are stored is expensive to rent and the insurance for this type of work very high.
I have asked how others make a profit, it seems it is not easy unless a big company employing more people.

I currently don't do anything in the evenings but couldn't work as home with kids, they are 10 and 9 so should be able to leave home more soon and yes I could work more hours but it would make our lives even more stressful really. I want to study but it seems impossible as I said before it will be hard to do placements.

I agree about the business plan and need to ask again about this, he has an accountant but I am unsure how good they are. Sometimes he is so busy working he forgets to invoice people! He does work very hard but i see what you are saying it is about tuning a business not just being good at it and working hard

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/01/2019 12:42

he is running the business properly OP if he isnt making money. Somewhere something is going wrong with his business plan if he is busy but not making money

ReanimatedSGB · 19/01/2019 12:49

OK so it's the admin that's the issue as much as anything. He needs someone else to deal with the invoicing (and the chasing of clients who have had an easy ride in the past).
This also sounds niche enough that he probably could get away with a small price increase - and as yet it's not under threat from 'disruptive' apps subcontracting the work out to insecure, low-skill, desperate muppets (something which is sinking quite a lot of small businesses).

Quartz2208 · 19/01/2019 12:51

he cant just forget to invoice people

He may be very good at the forestry side - he clearly isnt with the admin side of running a business. He needs to get that sorted - because honestly the business is failing if it isnt making money

You cant sacrifice your life for him

Boysandbuses · 19/01/2019 12:54

Yabu. I say this as someone who was I the same position as you except I worked full time.

You are both to blame (If there is blame to go around) and both could have made different choices.

In the end, me and the kids left. If you judge me for leaving my husband because he didn't earn enough and can't see the bigger picture, then that's your issue. And probably why you are in this situation but not taking any responsibility for it

Evilspiritgin · 19/01/2019 12:58

I presume that he’s also relying on people paying bills on time, my dad was a builder the amount of people that dont pay on time are amazing but workmen and supplies used still need to be paid for

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2019 12:58

You are both to blame (If there is blame to go around) and both could have made different choices.

agree. It's one thing to say we both made choices and now we aren't in a good position and need to figure out how to fix it.

It's a whole other to say, well it's all his fault.

Sn0wscary8 · 19/01/2019 13:04

The deadline for self assessment tax in UK is end of January. So does he have his accounts ready to submit ? There is a fine if the accounts are submitted late ! Time is running out

OneStepSideways · 19/01/2019 13:04

I don't think you're being U. You've supported him in his business for 12 years but it's not making enough profit to make ends meet... so why doesn't he get a different job?

If the business has earning potential and profit is steadily increasing, I'd give it a bit longer (provided it achieves targets).

I think it's a primal instinct for females to seek a breeding partner with high earning potential. Someone who has the resources and adaptability to provide a nice lifestyle for offspring. Earning enough to provide/contribute to a nice house in a safe neighbourhood, quality childcare, holidays, food, enabling the mother to reduce her hours or take an extended mat leave when kids are young, not worrying about bills/rent/debt.

Foreverexhausted · 19/01/2019 13:08

How many posters here who are telling OP to tell her DH to get a job or stop indulging him actually have a DP/DH who has their own business or is self employed?

It isn't that easy!

I could've written your post OP!

My DH has been self employed for 10 years and we are definitely worse off for it! He works ridiculous hours so he doesn't have to work for someone else. He earns less money than he would if he had a 'regular' job. He doesn't get sick/holiday pay so won't take any time off because he won't get paid so planning a holiday is impossible. I could go on!

I too have tried everything to get him to get a 'regular' job.

Just wanted to say I understand and sympathise!

Banksy13 · 19/01/2019 13:09

We were in a similar situation, I pushed OH to give up and he insisted he could sell the failing business. I thought he was mad but after putting a post on FB offering it for sale he got 50k for it! Someone bought it just for the brand and reputation, OH got a good job and we're much happier and financially secure. YANBU, tell him how you feel.

OhTheRoses · 19/01/2019 13:11

So the business is successful enough for him to pay the men the going rate and there is enough work coming in to do so but not enough left over for dh to earn the same as his men?

  1. Market and get more work in so there is a bigger surplus - may need to lower prices slightly to get more work or identify usp.
  1. Diversify if possible.
  1. Sell up and work for a competitor.
  1. Any three of the above and start developing your own career. I went back full time and did prof quals when dc were 6 and 9. Extra pay funded childcare. Now on six figures 13 years later.

Work together as a successful team with identified objectives. One if which is compromise.

TornFromTheInside · 19/01/2019 13:16

Running your own business isn't easy and there are literally thousands of small businesses in precisely this situation - barely getting by.
It's no different to a partner being employed elsewhere and barely getting by (except the added burden of other people's jobs on the line too if you employ someone).

Whether it's time to call it a day with the business, or make a concerted effort to try an improve the profitability is a matter for you both to discuss, but some posters comments like 'tell him to get a job' are not helpful. Having run your own business can make you less attractive to some employers and you can be considered as 'too long out of the game' or 'not going to take orders well' etc.

My mate's business struggled along for 20 years - in the last two years he's made 5 million, so it's also true that sometimes you can finally get that life-changing contract.

It's crap not being able to afford a few nice treats, a holiday, being able to go out for a meal without worrying about the cost... but at the same time, there are others who've lost homes etc, so you have to look at where you are in the grand scheme of things.

TheBigBangRocks · 19/01/2019 13:16

You are both to blame (If there is blame to go around) and both could have made different choices

This. It's not all his fault by far. He could turn round and resent you for working part time when he has to work so much more.

You have plenty of time to study if that's truly what you want. Thirty hours is only six hours a day so you should have lots of free time, the chidren are of school age so the house isn't getting messy during the day. If it needs a placement then book childcare or ask him to send his workers to do the job if it clashes. It isn't going to be handed to you on a plate.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/01/2019 13:17

Ok - options.

  1. He needs to get this invoicing situation sorted. Getting paid is the priority. The time it takes to do the admin and send out the invoice is tiny compared to actually doing the job. But without the invoice the work doesn’t get paid. If he can’t do this then he shouldn’t be doing the job.
  1. Once that is sorted and he isn’t working jobs for a massive loss you need to do an official “stock take” of the situation. Go back through all 12 years accounts and work out overall profit made. Also work out rough hours worked. So you then have an average “per hour” rate. You can then work out how his income would compare with stacking shelves in Tescos. From the sounds of it he has never earned a decent wage but just how bad is it? Is he effectively paying to work? Working for free? Working for less than minimum wage? Earning minimum wage? Is this a business or a hobby? If it is a hobby then perhaps it is time for him to get an actual job.
  1. He says he isn’t qualified for anything but presumably he has all these “tickets” that mean he has to pay his staff well? So why not close down his business (or better still - sell it if it would be profitable in better hands!) and go and sell his skills to someone else.
ReanimatedSGB · 19/01/2019 13:19

TBH my dad was similar to this, determined to be self-employed, poor at admin, and in a line of work where it was common for people to not pay or need months and months of chasing before they would pay. He wouldn't consider anything else, and the only reason he was able to keep going was because my mum had inherited a big chunk of money that just about kept the family afloat (and her money came from her dad who inherited his employer's business in the 1940s - my family are basically two generations away from the starving millhands of the 30s...).

It spoiled my parents' marriage, at least, the later part of it. Mum didn't leave, but she was unhappy for years and sometimes said, she felt she could never trust him again after the bankruptcy.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/01/2019 13:20

He could turn round and resent you for working part time when he has to work so much more

If she is doing 30 hours outside the home in addition to all the household/family responsibilities to free him up for that work then she isn't working part time, she is working at least as much as he is and probably more.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/01/2019 13:22

Sell up and work for a competitor.

This is surely your best bet OP? If his men get paid more than he does, work for a competitor until one or both of you have been able to retrain to do something else. As an employee the hours should be more predictable and he should be able to share the family load.

TornFromTheInside · 19/01/2019 13:23

I think it's a primal instinct for females to seek a breeding partner with high earning potential. Someone who has the resources and adaptability to provide a nice lifestyle for offspring.

And this is what drives some men to tragic consequences when the can't (or no longer can).
It reeks.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/01/2019 13:23

Very hard for you both, OP. He probably feels great responsibility but there isn’t much he can do to improve things. Your best bet is to get a full time job, sorry, probably not what you want to hear.

Consider local government or civil service, the pay isn’t amazing but terms and conditions are quite good in the scheme of things and there is pension provision which is worth having given your circumstances.

TrickyKid · 19/01/2019 13:25

12 years and not paying himself properly! Is be blaming him too.

User758172 · 19/01/2019 13:27

My husband’s work ethic was one of the things I liked about him when we met. He’s a bloody hard grafter and I would have been unhappy with someone more easy-going who was happy to coast along.

I think twelve years is enough OP. He tried his best, it hasn’t worked out, no shame in that. He needs to put his pride to one side, wind the business down and look for other opportunities. It’s all very well to try and increase your own earning power, but resentment will inevitably set in if you don’t feel he’s doing his best to contribute financially.

TornFromTheInside · 19/01/2019 13:30

My mate earned less than him employees - but this can be misleading.
A director or owner of a company can pay themselves a minimal salary, but then take large dividends from the company. Alternatively the company might have considerable value, even his salary is small - effectively becoming his nest egg / investment.

As for joining a competitor, it's not always easy - depending on the nature of the business. Many competitors won't take on the former owner of a competitor because they see it as a risk that a) they are gathering info or b) they'll set up their own firm again and take some staff with them c) using them as a stop-gap until they are back in business

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