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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is ok to go for a drink with a male colleague

148 replies

Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 20:50

we have a staff night out arranged and all departments will be there ( both sexes )
A male colleague has asked if I’d like to grab a drink after , I said yes as we get on well . am I being naive ?? there is no attraction on my part

OP posts:
TitOfTheIceberg · 19/01/2019 15:09

think it’s niave of those you who are married to think your hubby has never fancied another person during your marriage .. would he act inappropriately - no but surely he’s allowed to look .

If my DH was telling another woman he was unhappy in our marriage, joking about having a crush on her and inviting her out for solo drinks after a night out where, regardless of your protestations, it is presumably possible to chat to someone if you really want to - otherwise why bother having the night out if none of you can interact with each other? - I'd be considering him to be doing a damn sight more than just looking.

Of course it's possible for men and women to have friendships that don't involve sex...but this doesn't sound like one of them. My conversations with the married colleague I occasionally meet for lunch cover where we're going on holiday with our respective spouses, what such-and-such ex-colleague is up to, what's going on in the sport we both follow as spectators, not the state of our marriages and whether he has a crush on me.

Wake up OP, you're either being worryingly naive or deliberately disingenuous.

why100000 · 19/01/2019 15:32

Him saying his relationship is not going well does not mean that his wife doesn’t love him a lot, or that she isn’t beyond miserable and worried about the situation.

My ex got together with someone as soon as it became clear we were going to separate, and while we were forced to live in the same house. I instigated the divorce but I had not stopped loving my ex - long story. The misery and pain I felt when my ex started spending hours on the phone very late at night to this obviously new person were absolutely awful, and I don’t know how I got through it. It still takes my breath away to think about it.

My point is - you have no idea how his wife might be feeling and what his game is. Why do you need to join him for drinks after the party? Genuine question.

He should be sorting his issues out, not asking women out and telling them he has crushes on them. If his wife can sense all that, no wonder they are having problems.

Nevth · 19/01/2019 15:40

What is wrong with all these people saying it's unreasonable. I have drinks with my male colleagues all the time, sometimes in groups, but mostly one on one. Some of them have become very good friends. I'm in a happy relationship but if my DP had an issue with this he would be shown the door. He has lots of female friends too.

Someone has to be the first to ask - and as PP said, if you feel uncomfortable at all you can just shut it down.

Nevth · 19/01/2019 15:45

Oh new info appears to have come out while I was faffing and typing my comment above. But the general point still stands!

TheCounter · 19/01/2019 16:46

I was once asked to go for a drink after work with a colleague that was a fair bit younger than me and a bit of a looker.
They'd came into work and started on the subject of their bust up with their partner who had come home the night before drunk and created a scene.
Was a Saturday and i was single and although the offer was tempting I would never have accepted for the simple reason that if the partner or any of their friends had seen us out it would have been awkward to say the least, regardless of intentions.
Just a no go as far as I'm concerned.
If the thought of them walking in and finding you cosied up in the corner of a pub with their partner would leave you cringing, you already know that it's a bad idea.
If not then batter in.

Nonononononolimitz · 19/01/2019 20:48

maybe you should consider how you would feel if you were the one sat at home while your SO was out with a “ good friend” has he told his wife or are you both keeping it secret

Aragog · 19/01/2019 22:12

Nevth- do you tell said colleague you have a crush on them and that you are unhappy at home with your partner too?

Original poster
Melissa74 · 20/01/2019 00:55

Have spoken to colleague & said “I have had a re think & it probably will look inappropiate to others even if we know this is purely platonic - right “I mean you are like a big daft big brother to me “
Colleague responded positively & said he understood & he’s here if I need to talk .
Dispite some negative comments on this thread I would never be the other women even if I did even remotely fancy him & I will continue to advise him to try & save his relationship cos divorce is really shitty & not fun at all

OP posts:
Fortunatelymine · 20/01/2019 01:21

Not sure how much it helps save his marriage when his wife finds out about him moaning about his marriage one on one to a female colleague. That's usually a common situation when things go wrong, isn't it? Is advised in many many areas of infidelity/trust recovery that that is overstepping a boundary. No matter what you think your intentions are, and what he has stated to you, he is still building shared intimacy with a potential future partner, by discussing his marriage problems with you. You are not helping. Tell him to see a professional if he wants to fix his marriage. And you could both find a read of 'Not Just Friends' useful.

Nonononononolimitz · 20/01/2019 06:48

Do you talk to anybody else about your marriage , husband,family.friends or just this man. If so it sounds like a kind of flirting

Dimsumlosesum · 20/01/2019 12:14

His wife won t appreciate him airing his dirty laundry to another woman.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/01/2019 12:32

If you continue to advise him on his relationship, you'll be contributing to messing up his marriage.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/01/2019 12:33

The best advice you can give him is to talk to his wife about their marriage.

callmecrazybut · 20/01/2019 12:38

Go, but subtly drop into conversation sometime before how you're fed up of relationships and done with dating/men for at least however many months/years.

LL83 · 20/01/2019 12:54

Perfect response OP. Well done! Possibly innocent but he knows where you stand either way.

lumpsofitroundtheback · 20/01/2019 12:57

Of course, there is always the possibility that his marriage is in trouble precisely because he has a crush on someone at work...

Rachelle3211 · 20/01/2019 13:03

If you want to help him save his marriage you will stop talking to him about it and withdraw from the friendship. Talking to you about his wife won't save anything. It will only eat away at it more.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 20/01/2019 13:43

So DH has been secretly reading my posts on this forum . So I’m signing off .Thanks for all comments especially the supportive one
Please be kind to one another Flowersx

OP posts:
Shallishanti123 · 20/01/2019 15:03

Oh Melissa, that’s not good! Hope you’re ok.

Nonononononolimitz · 20/01/2019 15:47

Hmmm a bit awkward. Still better than his wife seeing it

Fortunatelymine · 21/01/2019 07:03

Coincidence that op drops out just as everyone is pointing out how her continuing involvement is subtly contributing to the guy's marriage problems? Bet your dh wasn't too impressed with that. Confused

Dimsumlosesum · 21/01/2019 07:33

Ok ok sure he has been.

Kittykat93 · 21/01/2019 09:16

Hmmm. My husband knows I'm
On here but would have no idea what my username is or how to search through the forums.

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