Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is ok to go for a drink with a male colleague

148 replies

Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 20:50

we have a staff night out arranged and all departments will be there ( both sexes )
A male colleague has asked if I’d like to grab a drink after , I said yes as we get on well . am I being naive ?? there is no attraction on my part

OP posts:
trooth · 18/01/2019 23:33

So I missed a page. He has a crush on you? Pooooosibly not entirely incident and he's hoping something might happen...

Postino · 18/01/2019 23:34

He's married and he has a crush on you. Why are you even considering it?

AnotherEmma · 18/01/2019 23:35

"We have some good heart to hearts at work which would be quite difficult at a staff meal .
He jokes he had a huge crush on me .. it’s a bit of a running joke at work"

"he’s a bit of a class clown & a bit unhappy at home . We have shared a few sob stories"

Are you really this stupid?

Or just enjoying the attention and (consciously or subconsciously) ignoring the voice in your head that says it's inappropriate?

Rachelle3211 · 18/01/2019 23:37

He has a crush on you and has not only told you this, but told you he is unhappy at home? And all your coworkers know he has a thing for you? I feel really awful for his wife.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 18/01/2019 23:41

What does 'about to separate' mean? That you're married I assume. But you've swapped sob stories. So not actually separated, just telling your male colleague you're unhappy with your partner, and oh it turns out he has a hard time with his wife too and is very supportive because he totally understands. And he jokes he has a crush on you. Haha such a funny joke from a married man. And he wants to go for a private drink with you AFTER a night time event.

You know perfectly well what this is - nobody could be that dense.

ashtrayheart · 18/01/2019 23:51

Go for a drink with him if you want to, but I would be very surprised if it’s ‘just friends’ that he wants from what you’ve said.

emmylousings · 18/01/2019 23:52

Just because people are in monogamous relationships, they can't go for a drink together? That's messed up. Where's the trust? My parents have been married nearly 50 years, and they would never had restricted each others social contact like that. If I had a beer with a male colleague I would tell my DP and if need be, make it clear to drinking buddy that I had a DP, if he seemed 'keen'. Single friends of mine have said that they feel isolated by this type of couple segregation and I don't think it's cool. If you trust each other, why is mixing with the other sex a problem?

lumpsofitroundtheback · 18/01/2019 23:52

Have I been out with the gang on staff nights out?
Many's the time.

Have I ever gone off separately with one of them at the end of the works do?
Nope. What - even if I fancied him something chronic? Nope.

Don't do it OP. Everyone will know that the two of you are going off together, they will all put 2 and 2 together and make 5... you will never live it down. And how convenient for him - it's the perfect cover. His wife thinks he is out with colleagues and doesn't know what time to expect him back.

pandechocolate · 18/01/2019 23:54

This doesn't sound like a just friends thing OP - and that is coming from a married woman that socialises with married male colleagues over a coffee at lunch, so I don't hide myself away from any man but my husband! All for friendly socialising but it does sound like he might expect a little more from this.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/01/2019 23:58

You're clearly enjoying the attention from him. heart to hearts? Hmm

WhatToDoForTheBest2019 · 19/01/2019 00:02

"Jokes" he has a huge crush on you, knows your separating from partner. As others have said he's making a move. Don't go, unless you want things to get messy at work.

BitOfFun · 19/01/2019 00:03

Just because people are in monogamous relationships, they can't go for a drink together?

Have you read the thread? This isn't the situation here at all. OP is "about to separate" (whatever that means), and the male colleague has a crush on her and is "unhappy in his marriage".

Not really the same as comparing it to your average colleagues who happen to be of the opposite sex and occasionally socialise.

OP, it sounds like you're keen to go (you've accepted already, after all)- but be aware of the can of worms you are opening. It could make your professional life rather difficult, even if you aren't bothered about complicating somebody else's marriage.

SheldonTheWonderShlong · 19/01/2019 00:16

A grown man who has a crush? of course it's sexual. Do you think he sits there and thinks how nice it would be to plaot your hair? Come on OP don't be ridiculous.

He's clearly very interested in being more than a shoulder to cry on. 99% of men who you work with wouldn't get that involved if they weren't after something - they just can't be arsed. Men, correct me if I'm wrong.

Blibbyblobby · 19/01/2019 00:29

If you trust each other, why is mixing with the other sex a problem?

It's not - I have plenty of male friends and colleagues that I've been drinking one on one with, including in hotel bars when just two of us are travelling.

There's even plenty of male friends that husband wouldn't batter an eyelid at if I carried on drinking with them alone after a work event.

The difference is, if we were to carry on after an event it's in the context of being drinking buddies already. Whereas this seems to be the first occasion the married colleague in question has asked the OP to join him for one on one drinks, and it's just too pre-meditated to be anything other than a play. Remember this isn't after work drinks, it's after drinks drinks.

(Incidentally, more than one of the married male colleagues that I thought were just mates has hit on me. I told them very clearly where they could shove it, and also told my husband, who knows he can trust me. But both those friendships are down the tubes because the men showed clearly they were not my friends at all, just hoping for a cheap shag.)

So that's a lot of words to say basically - there's going out for totally innocent drinks with male friends, and then there's this.

twattymctwatterson · 19/01/2019 00:32

No one is buying this whole faux nativity op. He's a grown man who has told you he has a crush on you and that he's unhappy in his marriage. He wants to go for a drink with him alone. You're already getting close to emotional affair territory. Do you text outside of work? Go for lunch together? How do you think his wife would feel about him joking that he has a crush on a colleague and telling her that he's unhappy at home?

StreetwiseHercules · 19/01/2019 00:36

This thread is an egowank.

MorningsEleven · 19/01/2019 01:09

I do like the word "egowank".

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 19/01/2019 01:09

God almighty, not all men are cheating bastards.

Four out of five of my best mates are happily married men with kids, I'm a single mum. None of them have ever hit on me, or made me feel uncomfortable, and all of their wives are quite happy for me to go for a drink with their husbands. It is entirely normal to go for a drink with a friend of the opposite sex, and to talk about your lives. Two of those friends have confided in me that they've been 'having problems' at home - because they wanted my opinion & advice on it. That's what friends do, isn't it?

I appreciate the circumstances here are a little different, but I don't think alarm bells should automatically ring. I spent all day with one married friend a few months ago at a work do, and then afterwards we went for a few drinks - because he wanted to discuss a work-related issue just between the two of us.

BitOfFun · 19/01/2019 01:16

He didn't whine to you about his unhappy marriage though? Thought not.

Monty27 · 19/01/2019 04:52

It sounds friendly to me as in "shall we piss off quickly after the meal and chill"
Don't do it if you're not comfortable though.

Megthehen · 19/01/2019 05:22

the "not happy at home" thing - he's prepared the way to make a move on you. Bet his wife won't be too happy at home when she finds out he's on a date.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 19/01/2019 06:46

Wow thought this was a safe place to vent .. some of you must really enjoy being bitchy !
To clarify I’m neither stupid or in need of a ego wank ! I genuinely like this person , just not in a sexual or romantic way . “The crush” element of this situation I perceived as quite innocent ( we can fancy other people even if married & absolutely never cross the line surely ? ) think it’s niave of those you who are married to think your hubby has never fancied another person during your marriage .. would he act inappropriately - no but surely he’s allowed to look .
My colleague & I have zero contact outside of work , hence why I think he thought we could have a proper catch up after the staff meal . Yes we discuss our relationships & actually i try to give him advice as to avoid his relationship falling apart as mine has ( his needs TLC)where as mine needs CPR .
Thank you for all your comments - ( even the judgey / insulting ones )
Think I’m going to get a few of the gang to come for a drink after the meal to avoid any complications .

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 19/01/2019 06:55

I think you are the only one who can judge this.

I’m sitting here running through all of my male colleagues that I might go for a drink with. I can’t think of one instance where if they asked me/I asked them it would be interpreted as asking someone out on a date.

In a previous job I used to go for a drink and lunch every Friday with one particular male colleague, and sometimes a second male colleague would join us. At no point did I ever imagine they wanted a threesome Grin

Whothere · 19/01/2019 07:01

I wouldn’t do it in your position. I felt pressured to do things like that with a colleague eg coffee after work which he suggested and he did eventually make a pass.

why100000 · 19/01/2019 07:06

I just feel sorry for his wife Sad.