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Original poster

Is ok to go for a drink with a male colleague

148 replies

Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 20:50

we have a staff night out arranged and all departments will be there ( both sexes )
A male colleague has asked if I’d like to grab a drink after , I said yes as we get on well . am I being naive ?? there is no attraction on my part

OP posts:
Original poster
Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 22:41

@fraying I assumed it was still ok to fancy another person with out it ever becoming a thing ... naive or obtuse ? I’m not sure which is worse

OP posts:
Bambamber · 18/01/2019 22:41

I was about to say that I don't see a problem going for a drink, up until I saw he has openly had a crush on you.

1Redacted1 · 18/01/2019 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 22:46

@redandyellowandpinkandgreen99
I really don’t think he’s after a shag ( god forbid ) he’s a bit of a class clown & a bit unhappy at home . We have shared a few sob stories but absolutely no attraction on my part & I have always laughed off the crush thing

OP posts:
DontBiteYourSisterPlease · 18/01/2019 22:48

Oh gosh I've been on dates with lots of my colleagues without even realising Hmm oh nope, wait, we had a drink and chat with absolutely no romantic or sexual overtures. Phew! Close one.

BitOfFun · 18/01/2019 22:49

"Unhappy at home"- you don't say! Come on, you're not that daft, are you?

Fraying · 18/01/2019 22:49

You've shared sob stories. He's unhappy at home and he's told you he has a crush on you.
Deliberately obtuse it is then Hmm

Orchiddingme · 18/01/2019 22:52

Big difference between grabbing a coffee with a male colleague at lunch and having a chinwag, and him asking you to go out after a drinks do to extend the evening. Especially given the crush jokes. Of course you know this or you wouldn't be posting.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 18/01/2019 22:53

He’s asked you form drink and I assume it’s because you both get on well socially

A man and a woman can be friends without thinking of there pants

Original poster
Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 22:53

DontBiteYourSisterPlease Smile

OP posts:
pootleposeyperkin · 18/01/2019 22:57

Like I previously said, ask him to bring his wife along. His reaction will tell you all you need to know

Orchiddingme · 18/01/2019 22:58

Go then. He'll make a pass or tell you about his feelings, you'll act surprised. It'll be fun.

Aragog · 18/01/2019 22:58

Married
Says he's unhappy at home
Jokes he has a crush on you
Others at work think he has a thing for you

Hmmm. I pretty much guarantee his wife doesn't know that he's wanting to go for 1:1 drinks after a work party with you or that he jokes that he has a crush on his work colleague. Wonder if she knows he's saying he is unhappy at home too.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 22:59

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend
Amen ! I have zero interest romantically . He has however been a good support to
Me as I have to him .

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 18/01/2019 23:00

Poor thing. I imagine that his wife just doesn’t understand him.

Hmm
Laiste · 18/01/2019 23:02

Aragog - saved me typing it out.

What's the problem then OP? You're the one who's asking the question. If you're sure it's all sweet innocence why wouldn't it be ''ok'' exactly?

Original poster
Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 23:04

I’ve always assumed a crush is a sort of childish innocent thing .. not a massive sexual attraction.

OP posts:
SadOtter · 18/01/2019 23:06

I've been out for drinks with a few of my male colleagues on different occasions with nothing going on, just the same as I've been out with female colleagues. I've always had a lot of male friends so I never assume a drink means anything more than a drink BUT He jokes he had a huge crush on me .. it’s a bit of a running joke at work . suggests that he might think its more than just a drink, so I might say something like 'it's not coz you've still got a crush on me and want to get me alone is it?' - jokingly enough that if it isn't you can laugh it off but you can see his reaction and make sure he knows you aren't interested.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/01/2019 23:12

Melissa, why not meet him for a drink before the do . Watch his reaction when you suggest it !

delboysskinandblister · 18/01/2019 23:13

You're separating, you're vulnerable, he wants to take advantage. Don't.

^^This

Laiste · 18/01/2019 23:15

Well go then. What's the worst that can happen? You don't sound like a young vulnerable shrinking violet OP.

babysharkah · 18/01/2019 23:18

Oh come on op, you know why he's asked!

Blibbyblobby · 18/01/2019 23:23

In the right context - totally fine.

In this context? Absolutely no. If he wanted a friendly catch up between colleagues he'd suggest lunch. He's asking you to spend the time between an evening, presumably drinking, event and bedtime with him. He expects you to finish the evening in bed with him.

It's not a coincidence this invitation turned up when you separated. Plenty of men think it's a fact universally acknowledged that a women suddenly without a man must be in want of any short term dick that happens to be passing.

He doesn't "fancy" you in any meaningful way. He wants to shag other women and has probably tried it on with any female colleagues / friends he thinks might accept his advances.

(To be fair, this all assumes you don't want meaningless shags with married men. You may decide it's exactly what you do want. But be very clear it's that, and only that, that's on offer here.)

MitziK · 18/01/2019 23:26

All those drinks I've had after work were due to men desperate to shag me? I must give off a homing signal, then - and another that changes their minds almost instantly afterwards, as none of them have ever come on to me. maybe I should call it the Reverse Beer Goggles Effect

Anyway, if you're separating, it's up to you what you do. If he's interested in something, you decline, everything's fine. If he's just being a mate, you get to talk to a mate.

trooth · 18/01/2019 23:31

Have there been any other flags that this might not be entirely innocent? If not then just treat it at face value and ignore the cynicism!
I have male colleagues who I've ended up friends with - I've socialised with them one on one and now meet them with our partners.
Last week I asked a male colleague to come to a gig with me because it was a very niche band, nobody else I know likes them but I know he does. No ulterior motive at all and hubby is relieved that he doesn't have to come as they are really not his cup of tea Grin