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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is ok to go for a drink with a male colleague

148 replies

Melissa74 · 18/01/2019 20:50

we have a staff night out arranged and all departments will be there ( both sexes )
A male colleague has asked if I’d like to grab a drink after , I said yes as we get on well . am I being naive ?? there is no attraction on my part

OP posts:
sunsalutations · 19/01/2019 07:10

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who don't have or understand male friendships. It is very possible to go for a drink with someone without it developing.

donajimena · 19/01/2019 07:21

sun I've plenty of male friends I might socialise with. My partner has female friends that he socialises with including one who he regularly visits at her home alone. The difference is that these friendships are long established.
Going for a preplanned or not preplanned drink alone with a person of the opposite sex (in heterosexual people) has the potential to turn into something more. If you respect your partner and have common sense you'd avoid putting yourself in those situations.

Mummadeeze · 19/01/2019 07:27

Not really sure why you asked if you didn’t think there was anything remotely suspect about the invitation. I have male friends at work. We have been to lunch one on one before. But the only time I went on for late drinks after work drinks with one friend who I didn’t fancy at all (and who was married) he tried to snog me! I was REALLY shocked as there hadn’t been any signs. We brushed it under the carpet and are still friends at work but I wouldn’t be doing that again in a hurry. Might be innocent on his part but does seem a bit weird to plan it rather than let it happen naturally if the night was getting boring later on.

Ethel36 · 19/01/2019 07:29

He's asking you out. He is married. Stay away..Don't be the other woman.

AnotherEmma · 19/01/2019 07:30

"there's going out for totally innocent drinks with male friends, and then there's this."

Exactly.

Also, the irony of the OP calling people naive Grin

OP, you're being ridiculously naive here.

Of course married people find others attractive, but they don't usually have pre-planned one to one drinks and heart to hearts about their relationship woes with the objects of their attraction... not unless they want to have an affair, that is.

LL83 · 19/01/2019 07:30

If he is a friend then I would say "Is everything ok? Do you need to talk?" If yes coffee at work. If no "I will see you at night out then"

If you have already agreed to drink I would say on the noght you're tired.

I don't think there is anything wrong with ending up having a drink with him after, but it's weird for a married man to plan it. And I would be trying to make it clear I am uninterested without having a conversation if possible. Less awkward for both of you.

Dimsumlosesum · 19/01/2019 07:30

A lot of married men, upon finding out a female colleague is newly/about to be single, will start sniffing around. Especially if he's "been having troubles at home". I think you're wise to bring others with you, not that he'd try anything but more for his wife's sake/appearances sake. It'll be interesting to see what he says to that (they like to do sad face "aww, not just us then?" With a "cheeky grin/small pout").

Fantail · 19/01/2019 07:33

I’m single. I have male work friends. Some are single and some aren’t. Sometimes we grab a drink after work (or even a coffee during the day).

I’d ask if there was anything in particular he wanted to talk about and gauge his reaction and if you are worried.

Whothere · 19/01/2019 07:34

Definitely agree there about men waiting to pounce when they hear you are single. My colleague used to say how we were great friends but he still made a pass when I was single.

Shallishanti123 · 19/01/2019 07:36

Seems like you just want us to help you justify meeting this married man. Originally it came across like he was just a colleague who wanted a chat out of work after the meal, but drip drip drip and it turns into “a unhappily married man who fancies you and knows you’re splitting up with your husband” wanting to meet.

Pinkbells · 19/01/2019 07:43

It sounds a bit calculated on his part, and he's married you say so I would steer well clear - he's obviously honing in on you.

EL2019 · 19/01/2019 07:47

If you want your reputation at work to be someone who shags married colleagues, then be sure to be seen to leave a work do alone together to go for “drinks”. Whether or not you shag (and make no mistake he’s after one), rightly or wrongly, you’re the one that will be judged.

If you two innocently want to catch up, have lunch together, without alcohol.

If you want him to cool his boots, tell him you think of him as your little brother.

pootleposeyperkin · 19/01/2019 07:51

Ridiculously naive or loving the attention, no thought whatsoever for the unsuspecting wife.

decemberfrost · 19/01/2019 10:27

As a number of posters have said, there is a huge difference between a woman being pals with a male colleague and grabbing a quick bite/coffee at costa together on your lunchbreak, or just having a casual friendly meet up.

I have a daughter who has half a dozen good male friends (her age - 20's) who she has known since they were 5.

They have videogaming nights together, (at HIS flat/his parents house,) they go to concerts together, and they go to the cinema together. Her boyfriend of 5 years (who she lives with) knows them all. He knew 3 before he met DD and the other 3 since he met her. He sometimes goes out with them as well.

Her boyfriend has 3 female pals he knows from school, who he socialises with sometimes (not as often as DD does as she is a massive social butterfly and he is quite shy,) but there is no problem. DD knows these girls too and was a bridesmaid for the SISTER of one last summer!

DH has female pals too who he spends time chatting to after work, pops and has a starbucks with on lunch break, and who he buys Christmas gifts for. He buys for all 7 women, and they buy for him. I know them all, and they all give ME a card for my birthday, and pool together to get me a little gift.

A sleazy male (MARRIED) colleague blatantly coming onto a (newly) single female colleague, by wanting her to go for drinks with just the two of them after a works seminar, is a massive red flag. He has also said he has a crush on the OP. Jesus, this is so obvious that he wants to get the OP in the sack, that it's laughable.

As a pp said, I think the OP knows this and is loving the attention.

Oh by the way, sleazy men at work don't just come onto single women. I have been married since my mid 20's (over a quarter century,) and just because I had a ring on my finger, it didn't stop the revolting sleazebags in the office trying on, spouting sexual innuendo, and blatantly asking if I want an affair.

YEP, I had been married 2 years, when my (married) line manager said he was bored in his marriage, and he thinks I seem bored with my DH, and his wife is going away with their toddler for a week if I wanna pop round wink wink nudge nudge.... I said 'Not a chance!' and walked off in disgust.

Vile bastard.

And no I wasn't bored with DH, and never said or implied I was! He was just chancing his hand. A few weeks later, one of my colleagues confided in me that this same manager had asked the same of her.... about 2 days after he asked me.

Fucking scumbag. His poor wife. Sad

He did leave about 6 months later, and after about 5 years, I heard his wife had left him. Good for her.

Re the OP, I would ask him to bring his wife along for the drink after the work's meeting! As many posters have said though, he won't. Wink

decemberfrost · 19/01/2019 10:29

First paragraph should read...

As a number of posters have said, there is a huge difference between a woman being pals with a male colleague and grabbing a quick bite/coffee at costa together on your lunchbreak, or just having a casual friendly meet up, ....... and meeting a colleague for a private meeting after a works function, just the 2 of you, where the man is clearly after sex.

Subeccoo · 19/01/2019 10:38

You know your friendship. Does sound like he might be interested but if he's a genuine friend then you will be able to talk about it surely?
My best work colleague mate is male.

We meet up occasionally when off work for a coffee (school job). I've never met his wife and just like if I was with a female colleague, don't really ask much about her.

When my marriage was going through a rough patch I was able to talk to my friend and he was comforting just like a female!! My husband is super secure and has no issue at all about this friendship. It is completely platonic on both sides but I do consider this man to be a very close mate.

Tinty · 19/01/2019 10:47

think it’s naive of those of you who are married to think your hubby has never fancied another person during your marriage .. would he act inappropriately - no but surely he’s allowed to look.

Do you mean would he act inappropriately; like asking the person (who is separating from her husband), for a drink on their own?, after giving her the old sob story about being unhappy in his marriage.

MRex · 19/01/2019 10:56

It sounds like you've been invited on a date; I often would go for drinks with male colleagues, but there would be a broader invite list than just one (even if it ends up that nobody else wants to go).

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 19/01/2019 11:02

How do you think affairs start op?

Belenus · 19/01/2019 12:50

a bit unhappy at home

Oh aren't they all. Sorry OP but the fact that you need to ask, that he has a crush on you and that he's unhappy at home is not making any of this look good.

I have male friends. I know that in long-term relationships you'll often think others are attractive. The thing is, if you want those relationships to last, you are careful what you do in those situations.

twattymctwatterson · 19/01/2019 14:05

He's already acting inappropriately. Telling you he fancies you is inappropriate. Telling you he's not getting his needs met at home is inappropriate. Trying to engineer time with you alone involving alcohol is inappropriate. Actually try putting yourself in his wife's position and think about how you'd feel.

Pachyderm1 · 19/01/2019 14:17

Depends on what your relationship is normally like. If you do occasionally grab a drink together just as friends, I wouldn’t think twice. But if this is something new, I would question why he’s asking. Doesn’t mean it’s inappropriate - just that you should bottom out what his expectations are.

Ratonastick · 19/01/2019 14:17

Have I been for drinks with male colleagues? Yes of course. Do you fancy a swift one before the others get here? Blimey, that was a tough evening, fancy one more before we head out? What time are we due at this dinner, fancy meeting in the bar before we go? All fairly normal activities between colleagues. But a prearranged drink after everyone leaves between a newly separated (ie slightly vulnerable) woman and a married man with a self confessed crush on her? Quite honestly that’s bordering on predatory.

TheCounter · 19/01/2019 14:27

If you're not sure...ask his wife first!

Dizzy20 · 19/01/2019 14:50

If it’s innocent will you tell your H

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