45 year age gap - Filipino bride

[binkyblinky]

Argh help me.

My step dad (mum's Ex partner) is in his 60s. He split from my mum when I was 14 and we have remained very close. He has been like a dad to me and my sister.

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Well anyway he's gone to the Philippines and met someone - turns out she is only 19. (He has told us she is 25) but I've had a nosey on Facebook and found her.

I know the age gap is huge but I've seen bigger. I don't understand the attraction and I don't have a clue about Filipino culture. Is this the norm? Is he in danger?

We are going to visit him and have a frank discussion with him. She has applied to come over here on a work visa (she's a student)

Just wanted advice / thoughts. Also I know it's a shocking age gap. I don't need to be told that and I don't want to hear abuse towards him. I'm not keen on the idea.

Thankyou

[livs1987]

I think his actions are gross rather than hers.

Sex tourism is rife in countries like the Philippines. Why was he even there to begin with...the women they inevitably ‘date’ are vulnerable, look very young, and possibly are underage in some cases.

She’s getting money etc out of this, and he’s living out his perverted sexual fantasies.

[binkyblinky]

Sorry. I ought to clarify. No mention of weddings or brides. I shouldn't have put that in the title.
But if they're already talking about visas then I'm certain it's been thought about.

So upset and disappointed

[MrsTerryPratcett]

So he's not even willing to marry her? I really hope she gets the better life that she wants.

If your relative is lonely I know lots of lonely women in their 60s.

[Ohgoon]

Lol don't think for a second that's not on her mind!!

[wLuytgNx]

If he is happy to have this person love him, care for him, look after him, nurse him in his old age if he gets ill then why not? and her "reward" is any inheritance, property and money to go back to her family with after.

Yeah it doesn't seem right and it makes us uncomfortable but if they are both happy with the arrangement and he knows she isn't with him for his hilarious jokes and good looks then why not?

They get the best of both worlds. Unless in these situations kids and ex's think they are entitled to inheritance and then it becomes an issue.

[ShadyLady53]

Oh goodness this is disgusting. She’s selling herself and he’s an old man buying a teenager for sex and to be his housemaid. I can’t think of anyone in my family that I love enough that I’d be willing to overlook what he’s doing. If she does do a number on him, then I think he deserves it. It’s horrible to be lonely but there are plenty of lonely single women his own age in the same boat. Looking at it in the cold light of day the only possible reason he can want a 19 year old as opposed to someone his own age would be that he’s only interested in the physical/sexual side of her.

I’ve got loads of Filipino friends, all of them married to other Filipinos bar one who married a Westerner the same age as her who helped her bring her kids over. Life there is utterly miserable and impoverished for many, many families. It’s only the most desperate families and young women that sell themselves to old Western men in this way. Most send money home to older, vulnerable family members and siblings to get them out of poverty. I’d highly doubt she comes from a well respected, high up family. They’ve most likely got nothing at all.

[HairyToity]

There is a Filipino mum at our school. She has a 12 and 8 year old. She seems very nice, and the marriage a happy one. She looks like she's in her early 40s and her husband mid 50s. 19 is too young.

[VictoriaBun]

My dh works with a man who is newly married to his Thai wife. Having said that she is about 15 years younger than him. He has never married before, only had a brother who also had no children ( so in his words, has no one to leave money to) He says it will be cheaper than eventually having to go into a care home !

[wLuytgNx]

Not that you are OP, but he will be happy to have this stunning young girl on his arm to show off and she will dote on him. They both know the truth. As long as he genuinely does know the truth and that she is only after him for opportunities and a better life.

[wLuytgNx]

Their culture is to care for the elders, he will receive the best care and the home will be immaculate. Like the above poster said its cheaper than a care home.

[kateandme]

so does he think its love?or does he just want company so much he doesn't care the real reasons behind this relationship

[Furiosa]

LauraMipsum

Yes she could get an under 30's 2 yr youth visa but she couldn't convert to a spouse visa here.

If she were to come as a domestic worker she would need proof of min wage and NI contributions and health insurance.

Whatever she plans she will need to get through entry clearance application and and BFO questions on entry here.

If she arrives in the UK irrespective of visa type if she appears dishonest about her intension (which she will because she is) she faces a 10 yr ban from the UK.

[SearchingForSeaGlass]

A friend's dad did this. The friend was pregnant and 40 while her Thai bride stepmum was half her age and also pregnant.
I know of a few men who've gone abroad to find a wife. Not all older, for younger men if they're sexist and generally not a good catch in the uk, they can see it as a good way of getting an attractive, compliant woman. Anyway as expected these relationships aren't happy ones. The women tend to get pregnant immediately and then they stop pretending to be in love and you can see it's just a business transaction. Particularly if they expect to outlive their partner.
There must be loads of advice online about this, it's not that unusual.

[Bluntness100]

Op, I think you know this isn't about loneliness, he will have very little in common with a teenager from the Philippines. It's sex.

If he had went for a lady more age appropriate, and I mean even thirties or forties it would be more acceptable, but the fact he's bought a teenager is something most people will find quite sickening. I also imagine she looks very young too.

He's not in danger no. He knows what he's doing. Personally I couldn't support it, even though she's of legal age.

[kateandme]

ok why are we all saying hes buying her for sex and clean up after him.not all elderly men want this.he ight be going about it totally the wrong way but he could still want a loving relationship with someone and treat them rightly and care for them.

[NyNameIsTaken]

There's a reason men choose to head to devping countries and seek out young women in poverty as sexual partners. Teenage girls in poverty are malleable and desperate and men going to these countries know this.

A woman in her 60s choosing to seek out teenage boys for sexual relationships is just as creepy and exploitative as middle aged men seeking out young disadvantaged young women and teenage girls.

Saying the love the teenager probably makes them feel less guilty for taking advantage of someone who is desperate.

I'd lose all respect for him to be honest.

[wLuytgNx]

kateandme - I agree. I'm sure he will love and care for her and it will be reciprocated. They both know the score and why they are with each other but they will still care and love each other and have a genuine relationship. I don't know why people can't just be happy for other people's choices. She is legal, she is happy, he is happy - Leave them to it and support. He will do it anyway and the support of his family means everything.

[Bluntness100]

Oh cmon, if he wanted someone to have a loving relationship with it would be someone he had something in common with, who he could converse with and share experiences with, not a bloody teenager. Don't be so naive. There is only one reason a man in his sixties goes after a nineteen year old and it's not for the mutual interests.

[IcedPurple]

he could still want a loving relationship with someone and treat them rightly and care for them.

She's 19.

19. A teenager. He's an old man, or close enough. Surely it would be easier to create a 'loving relationship' with a woman close to your age, with similar life experience, who speaks the same language, etc. The OP claims he's "a lovely, warm, kind man" - plenty of similar aged women would love to have a relationship with such a man.

But that's not what he wants, is it?

Put it this way: If you were looking for a 'loving relationship', would your choice be a 19 year old boy on the other side of the world?

[newmobile]

Two of my friends in their 50s are married to Turkish men. Husbands both early 30s. They also send alot of money home to support their families. Any different the other way round?

[Isleepinahedgefund]

Well I just googled life expectancy in the Philippines and it’s 66 for a man. Is it possible she thinks he will be dead soon, and doesn’t realise that in the UK we’re very good at keeping people going for another 20 years? She might think she’ll be coming into all his money in few short years. She’d think she would be set up for life before she’s 30.

I am nearly 40 and when I meet 19 yr olds I see children still growing into adulthood. I think as we grow older we have a responsibility to recognise that we are more wise to the ways of the world than the young (even though they think they know it all!) and we need to act accordingly.

[wLuytgNx]

Icedpurple - As a response to your statement

"Put it this way: If you were looking for a 'loving relationship', would your choice be a 19 year old boy on the other side of the world?"

Yes most men would do this because the cultures are different. They stay home, cook, clean, look after and dote on their husbands, the home will be immaculate, he will receive attention so he is happy. What a nice way to live out the retirement days!

He knows she isn't with him for his looks... clearly. He knows what he is doing. She does too.

Leave them to it.

[IcedPurple]

Two of my friends in their 50s are married to Turkish men. Husbands both early 30s. They also send alot of money home to support their families. Any different the other way round?

In theory no, it's no different the other way round, but your example isn't comparable. We're talking here about a man almost old enough to draw his old age pension getting with a teenage. Not quite the same.

[decemberfrost]

@freeloader

He is lonely? I really don't think there is a shortage of single women in their 50s and 60s in the UK . Being the same age and having grown up in the same country speaking the same language they would have lots in common, which is a great basis for a good relationship. I wonder why he doesn't want that?

For some reason, single/divorced men over 45/50 don't seem to want women their own age. They always want younger/ fitter/ slimmer women of no more than 32-33 ish. Most women of that age (born and raised in this country anyway!) won't be interested, and will not be subservient like many young Filipino women will be.

Most single/divorced Western women 40-45+ have taken plenty of shit from men, and will have spent at least a couple of decades raising a family, doing the wifework, and dealing with drudgery, and will not be the willing maid that many single men aged 45+ will want.... Probably why they look further afield … to find a woman who will be what they are looking for.

@kateandme

ok why are we all saying he's buying her for sex and clean up after him - not all elderly men want this. he might be going about it totally the wrong way but he could still want a loving relationship with someone and treat them rightly and care for them.

Yeah I kind of agree. Some of the young(er) women aren't in love with the older men, but they do have a decent relationship and get on well usually. I mean, no marriage is perfect anyway is it? And many people stay together with not necessarily being deeply in love. Some fall out of love, some were never in love to start with.


I don't think these men are in it JUST for the sex though (and the wifework,) they want the companionship too. And as I said, the young women get looked after too.

Still think 19 y.o. with 60 y.o. man is grim though!