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Original poster

45 year age gap - Filipino bride

307 replies

binkyblinky · 18/01/2019 17:42

Argh help me.

My step dad (mum's Ex partner) is in his 60s. He split from my mum when I was 14 and we have remained very close. He has been like a dad to me and my sister.

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Well anyway he's gone to the Philippines and met someone - turns out she is only 19. (He has told us she is 25) but I've had a nosey on Facebook and found her.

I know the age gap is huge but I've seen bigger. I don't understand the attraction and I don't have a clue about Filipino culture. Is this the norm? Is he in danger?

We are going to visit him and have a frank discussion with him. She has applied to come over here on a work visa (she's a student)

Just wanted advice / thoughts. Also I know it's a shocking age gap. I don't need to be told that and I don't want to hear abuse towards him. I'm not keen on the idea.

Thankyou

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 18/01/2019 18:35

Yet he doesn't think it's horrid that he's old enough to be her grandfather.

Silly man.

DistanceCall · 18/01/2019 18:35

Oh, and if they marry after all, I hope she takes advantage of her newfound Western freedoms, divorces, and fleeces him.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/01/2019 18:36

How would you feel if it was a 60 year old woman and a 19 year old male student?

It’s not unknown. I seem to remember various stories of middle aged British women forming relationships with handsome young men from the Gambia. Naturally they were completely convinced these young men were deeply in love with them and wanted to marry them. Deluded.

MikeUniformMike · 18/01/2019 18:38

M3lon. It's just the same only the man and the 19 year old can probably have children.

DistanceCall · 18/01/2019 18:39

Also, the bit about his being lonely is such bollocks.

There are plenty of single women more or less his age. It's just that he doesn't want an equal as his partner. He wants a subservient Asian hottie who will be dependent on him.

I'm sorry, OP, but this is not a good man.

LuckyLou7 · 18/01/2019 18:41

I think you need to have a full and frank discussion with your stepdad, and see if he can step back from the situation, so that he can see what he is getting involved in. A 19yo is hardly likely to be besotted with him, she sees him as a meal ticket and a way out of poverty, for herself and her family. The fact he is so much older is probably appealing - she may well be hoping she will a wealthy widow before she hits her 30's.

Dvg · 18/01/2019 18:43

She wants the visa and the money. They send the money back to theyre family. I don't blame them as they're lifes arnt good at all normally btu still.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 18/01/2019 18:44

There is nothing right with this, it's so wrong.

I know of 2 Filipino women married to English men. One is a friend whose husband is 18 years older, he doesn't know she is sending money home and has even bought a house in the Philippines by hiding away her wages from different jobs she works while he is working. It's not a healthy relationship. The other is my Uncle who met a Filipino woman and she has absolutely drained him financially, he had retired but returned to banking work to meet her demands, he looks a fool and he is trying to look younger.

Your step dad is going to be mocked in Britain if she lives here, he is old enough to be her grandfather and its particularly grim her family appear to be pimping her out. This isn't good.

PerspicaciaTick · 18/01/2019 18:45

If the relationship works for both of them and neither is being exploited, then I see no problem with their marriage having a rather more pragmatic basis than the usual idea of passion and romance.
Will she continue studying after they marry and go on to have a career of her own? Are they planning to have children? Do they care for each other?

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/01/2019 18:47

As others have said this is not going to end well. However, he may also be alert to the fact she may want money and/or a visa and not actually care. Its an age gap I very much doubt will work, but he is an adult after all.

User758172 · 18/01/2019 18:49

No fool like an old fool.

MikeUniformMike · 18/01/2019 18:49

What if the stepfather was seeing a 19-year old UK citizen?
What if your 19-yr old daughter was talking about marrying a 60-yr old man from abroad?

sue51 · 18/01/2019 18:55

I'm in my 60s and the thought of this is horrendous. I wonder what this young girls life is like if she sees marriage with a much older man as a more desirable option.

Quartz2208 · 18/01/2019 19:00

Is she one of the oldest siblings as her family are on board for her to send money through - it is in effect the family selling her for money. its the best way she can earn money

Is he deluded enough to think she loves him or is he aware of ti

Mintychoc1 · 18/01/2019 19:00

I’ve come across quite a few men who do this. Generally they’re middle aged or elderly men who are in bad shape themselves but seem to think they’re entitled to a young slim gorgeous partner. Obviously young attractive UK women aren’t generally interested, so they go and buy someone from a poor country, where the girls are so desperate they’re prepared to essentially prostitute themselves for decades.

Of course the big down side of being with a prostitute is that they often have STDs, and I recall one man who married a Nigerian lady, who neglected to tell him she had AIDS. She brought her teenage daughter with her, and he ended up looking after both of them. Not quite the sex fest he’d envisaged !

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 18/01/2019 19:02

How would you feel if it was a 60 year old woman and a 19 year old male student?

I can't imagine a woman of that age wanting to sleep with a skinny teenage child either, and would be slightly appalled!
You hear of the occasional very mixed age relationship working, but its rare. And usually between people with very liberal views to start with ie artists and alternative types who are 'attracted to personality' or some such...

KittyVonCatsworth · 18/01/2019 19:05

Not obviously the same close relationship as you and your SD but we have a friend of the family who is an absolutely lovely guy and had some heartache. He woke to find his wife had died in the night next to him 4 years ago after being married for 40 years. After he got over the overwhelming grief he started travelling 2 years ago and started a relationship with his translator who is 45 years younger and absolutely stunning. Of course, we initially had our doubts but he was quite open from the offset and as a PP said, he knew she wasn't with him for his charm and good looks but he really enjoyed her/the company (hes quite open and says that he can't perform sexually anymore) and that he's never had to be alone and for those 2 years didn't enjoy it, to the point he was suicidal.

Yes, he does buy her a lot of expensive things, and he helps her family out with money but he's very aware of what their relationship is and she knows that he won't get married again.

It must be working somehow as they've been together for 2 years. He's not naïve to the fact that it's not the lustful love affair but they enjoy each others company and both get something individually out of the relationship as well as together.

I'm not sure trying to talk sense to him is the right thing although I can appreciate your concerns. He's maybe full aware of what it is but it suits him/them. Perhaps it'll come to a natural end. You are right to monitor his gain v loss and raise concerns as they happen but confronting it before it happens could mean that he'll hide what's really happening in the relationship until it's too late. If you appear accepting, he may be more open which will allow you to advise him.

IcedPurple · 18/01/2019 19:05

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Hmm.... I've been lonely from time to time, but it wouldn't even occur o me to solve that problem by marrying a teenager from the other side of the world. Does she even speak English?

If he really is "a lovely, warm, kind man" he should have little difficulty finding a British woman close to his own age. Chances are, however, that like him, she'll have a few wrinkles and a lot of life experience - in other words, a real, mature woman. But no. He doesn't want an equal. He wants a young girl from a very poor country, who will depend on him for everything, including her right to stay in the UK.

So forgive me if I don't feel sorry for him.

Vicky1990 · 18/01/2019 19:08

It will pan out thus.
Sha comes here, if not married before then soon after arriving they will be.
Live together in his house for a few months.
She files for divorce with some concocted charges made against him, pack of lies but the judge will believe her, (it happens all the time in this country even with uk born wife's )
Goes to court and she puts on a good show as the wronged wife and what a basted he is, abuse etc.
She ends up been awarded half the house at least , that he has paid for.
House is sold, she fucks of with his money.
He ends up in a bed sit with not enough money' to buy another home.
She finds another mug and lives happily ever after.
He lives in misery been robbed by his ex and the legal system of this country.
It happened in my family.

Vicky1990 · 18/01/2019 19:08

It will pan out thus.
Sha comes here, if not married before then soon after arriving they will be.
Live together in his house for a few months.
She files for divorce with some concocted charges made against him, pack of lies but the judge will believe her, (it happens all the time in this country even with uk born wife's )
Goes to court and she puts on a good show as the wronged wife and what a basted he is, abuse etc.
She ends up been awarded half the house at least , that he has paid for.
House is sold, she fucks of with his money.
He ends up in a bed sit with not enough money' to buy another home.
She finds another mug and lives happily ever after.
He lives in misery been robbed by his ex and the legal system of this country.
It happened in my family.

IcedPurple · 18/01/2019 19:09

It must be working somehow as they've been together for 2 years.

2 whole years?

And yes it 'works' because he gets to be seen with a young hottie who wouldn't look twice at him if he was from her country, and she gets to enjoy his cash.

She'll run off with a fit bloke closer to her age within the next few years, I'll bet.

DistanceCall · 18/01/2019 19:10

It's not so much the age gap, I think - sometimes people with a huge age gap do fall in love. It's the circumstances.

He has specifically gone to the Philiphines to specifically find a young girl, no doubt making use of the services of some sleazy "agency" that specialises in connecting Western sugar daddies with poor young women from developing countries. And no doubt what he has in mind is having a relationship with the stereotypical gender roles - he wears the trousers, she is pleasing and compliant and loving and sexy, not like those liberated Western harpies.

Emetic.

IcedPurple · 18/01/2019 19:11

@Vicky1990

You seem to be suggesting that men like this are victims. But he's a (very) grown man. I'm more than a decade his junior but no way would I imagine that an attractive young man from an impoverished country would want to be with me because they love me or find me attractive. If he's a big enough fool to marry this teenager, that's his problem.

evaperonspoodle · 18/01/2019 19:19

She probably wants a comfortable life and a passport. He probably wants company of a beautiful young woman and is willing to pay for it

I've seen an increasing amount of older men married to Filipino women in my city. The man is always older, not as big an age gap as the OP but it is a marked difference. What strikes me every time is that neither the man or the woman are particularly attractive (I say that as an unattractive person myself) and I wonder was it just an arranged marriage of convenience on both sides.

I would be concerned about both parties in the OP's case as both are vulnerable to getting hurt. I think a 19 year old with a 60 year old is far too bog a gap.

viques · 18/01/2019 19:19

I wonder if she has got her visa yet? I think they will find it harder than they think, and even more so when they ask to change the visa to a fiancée or wife one. Even student visas now expect that you provide proof of the course, ability to support yourself etc. It is not as easy as people assume.

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