45 year age gap - Filipino bride

[binkyblinky]

Argh help me.

My step dad (mum's Ex partner) is in his 60s. He split from my mum when I was 14 and we have remained very close. He has been like a dad to me and my sister.

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Well anyway he's gone to the Philippines and met someone - turns out she is only 19. (He has told us she is 25) but I've had a nosey on Facebook and found her.

I know the age gap is huge but I've seen bigger. I don't understand the attraction and I don't have a clue about Filipino culture. Is this the norm? Is he in danger?

We are going to visit him and have a frank discussion with him. She has applied to come over here on a work visa (she's a student)

Just wanted advice / thoughts. Also I know it's a shocking age gap. I don't need to be told that and I don't want to hear abuse towards him. I'm not keen on the idea.

Thankyou

[toxic44]

@CosmicCanary We had a 35-yr age gap and were on our honeymoon all the years we were married. I've been widowed a good few years now and I am still in love with him. If you are matched in your hearts, the age is nothing. How many failed marriages do you see of people the same age?

[IcedPurple]

Yes most men would do this because the cultures are different.

I didn't ask what 'most men' would do.

I asked what you would do.

Would you seek out a "loving relationship" with a 19 year old boy? I presume you would, since you seem so enthusiastic about this pairing?

They stay home, cook, clean, look after and dote on their husbands, the home will be immaculate, he will receive attention so he is happy. What a nice way to live out the retirement days!

Oh well, as long as the man gets a housekeeper with benefits then who cares eh?

And I've known many FIlippinas, both here and in my time in the Middle East. All the women work. None of them are home doting over their geriatric husbands.

[decemberfrost]

That's very sweet @toxic44 and I am glad you were happy. However, a 35 year age gap is very unlikely to work long-term for most people.

[MsLexic]

Mutual exploitation is a horrible thing. Loneliness does not equate exactly to sex with a young woman. It equates to bigging up your ego,
and a sexual beanfeast.
However, nice this chap is, what he is doing is not at all nice.
You can be a good person and do bad things... at times.

[Bluntness100]

Two of my friends in their 50s are married to Turkish men. Husbands both early 30s

50s and 30s is not remotely comparable to 60s and teens. And I notice the op didn't say exactly how far into his sixties he was. For all we know it could be closer to fifty years age difference.

[Batteriesallgone]

All the people saying he just wants companionship - why not just employ a live in housekeeper?

Take in a student for minimal rent if they do all the house work. Like an au pair type thing.

No sexual expectations, no ‘relationship’. The sort of thing that was a regular feature of Agatha Christie books - old rich women employing young women to go on holiday with them and iron their clothes etc.

Ridiculous to suggest the only way you can get looked after in your own home is via an exploitative arrangement.

[Sn0wscary8]

I've traveled to Philippines & Asia. There is no benefit system or free school or NHS. It's a predominantly Catholic country. It is a beautiful country and the people are warm and friendly. I was walking round an indoor shopping mall ( can't remember which country) there was a 'shop' that advertised brides ' who would look after you and your relatives'. I am not saying that I agree, but these things do occur in countries where there are few opportunities and no state benefits. Secondly, I believe that a UK person has to have an income of £18k to bring in someone from a non EU country.

[IlluminatiConfirmed]

It can be a fair arrangement and a happy relationship. Or it may not be. Relationships are hard. This one is no different.

I think that a lot of condescending comments on this thread are from people who are British and possibly don't quite appreciate their luck and privilege. Most of the world needs a lot less than perfectly equal, 200%-in-love-all-the-way relationship to be truly and genuinely happy.

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

OP, you asked for advice. I would never normally advocate sharing a thread but I think in this instance he’s in urgent need of a wake up call. This is what people will think of their relationship and of him - can he cope with that?

[RedPanda2]

So creepy. Why don't women his own age like him?

[FuckingYuleLog]

If he’s interested in 19yos at his age he’s likely to be unlucky in love! Unless he basically buys a younger woman from abroad which is what he’s doing.
I’m sure he’s under no illusion that the young woman just happens to have a thing for men in their sixties so he is aware that she is trading sex for a better lifestyle and is obviously ok with that.

[binkyblinky]

@Bluntness100 he's 63

[Mother87]

MikeuniformMike - I keep picturing those two imaginary couples😂 Altho Prince Charles & Helena Bonham-Carter doesn't seem quite so ludicrousvisually at least

[Boulty]

19 and in his 60's ….. after his money - there is no fool like an old fool so the saying goes...

Basically he gets sex and she gets money - the oldest profession out there

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Is he in danger? No, he's exploiting this young woman

I agree about the exploitation, but best not to make too many assumptions around his own safety

www.theguardian.com/uk/2007/dec/12/ukcrime.philippines

www.theguardian.com/uk/2006/sep/06/ukcrime

(And for balance, there have of course also been cases where the women themselves have been murdered by their western husbands ... )

[OnlyaMan]

This kind of arrangement is common. Some Philipino "brides" openly advertise "Disabled husbands welcome". (Yes, I have looked at the Websites, out of curiosity).
It is a straightforward financial deal. The young woman from a poor country will act as a wife for the elderly Westerner, in return for financial security, and the later inheritance.
Rather distasteful for us in the West...……..but...…if both parties are in agreement, then we lucky wealthy people in the UK should keep our noses out of it.
The only issue in the "Frank Discussion" should be that his children should be catered for in some legally unchallengeable way, before the young woman marries him.
As a side-note, the Philipino brides often give a hobby as "Gardening". One can imagine the lush tropical gardens the young girls are used to, full of edible vegetables. It must be a little disappointing for them to arrive in England, and be directed to the lawnmower and the weeding trowel.

[Mayrhofen]

DSs ex was half Filipino, mum was from the Philippines dad uk.
The mum was 20 plus years younger than him. Tbf he is now in his sixties bed bound after a stroke and dependant on his wife. She has stood by him thick and thin.

Personally I think the Asian wife and European man is not all it seems.i think many of the women are happy to go into a marriage of convenience for a better life and to support those back home but genuinely do end up loving their DH and dedicating years to him.

That said, 19 is too young IMO.

[Bluntness100]

Thanks op, so a 44 year age gap.

As said, this isn't about loneliness, if it was I think we all know a teenager isn't going to be one who shares his interests. You know what this is.

I don't think it's just him exploiting her though, it's a two way street, she's there for the money, but I think where people take issue is her very young age. And I think most people have been polite on here, I don't think they will be so polite in real life.

[CatnissEverdene]

Someone I work with has a bride from the Phillipines. He went over there for the wedding, costing thousands and had to pay her parents an expensive dowry. Now she's here with him in the UK, they live in a tiny cramped flat as all of her wages are sent back home to support her parents. She has 3 part time jobs and earns more than he does. He didn't realise this was part of the package, and now feels pretty cheated to be honest. Her parents incidentally are now living a life of luxury ..... something he thought they'd be doing with 2 incomes. She's never at home as she's always working. I don't think it's quite been the non stop sex and care package he'd imagined for himself.........!!

[binkyblinky]

Thankyou everyone. Head totally
Screwed 😞 heart a little bit broken

[donquixotedelamancha]

I know the age gap is huge but I've seen bigger.

I can only assume OP works for channel 5.

[Peacocking]

A Malaysian friend of mine married a man 49 years older than her. She cared for him as he aged until he died, then mourned him deeply for the rest of her life until she died (at a fairly young age). She absolutely adored him, and wept frequently at his memory.

[XingMing]

Having glanced though but not RtFT in detail, I sort of see both sides. Yes, it's seedy, but it is commonplace in most countries outside Europe to see marriage as a transaction. She gets financial security and he gets companionship and care. If they are both happy about the arrangement and there's no illusions, then it might work. Romantic love is not always the be all and end all.

[Weenurse]

I have met a couple. He is now in his 90’s, she is in her 50’s, married 30 years.
He is very upset as she wants to sell the house and put him in a nursing home so she can go back to her country.
She has said now is her time to put herself first. He has lived longer than she expected and she is sick of waiting for him to die.
Very sad really.

[Sn0wscary8]

Mick Jagger....