Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

[TheSelfishCow]

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

It’s up to him to find a solution, not you. He’s made a right royal blunder, let him stew.

Ugh. He was probably too lazy to think. Yanbu

My dh found a 'great deal' on a holiday & I wasn't bothered about going abroad this year as we're poor & it's always me doing all the packing & admin for house & dc so could easily live without it.

If dh booked something without telling me & invited his parents, I'd rather stay home alone.

He ordered champagne on our flight to honeymoon without consulting me & I didn't like that-it was 10am!!😏

Hope he comes to his senses & you get it resolved

Im a Mil (not one of the devil ones hopefully)
I would fully understand if my DIL rang me to explain the situation. DIL's parents are lovely but very full on and always book my son and DIL without asking. They go along with it for the quiet life but a lot of the time just want to stay home with 7m old GD. Its very well meant but not always thinking about the full situation.
Long way to say talk to her, she may well get where you are coming from.

Don't suck anything up. Tell him to cancel the holiday full stop. Don't let him get away with this. Behaviour such as calling you names and storming off should not be rewarded by you doing what he wants.

Yes he should apologise. You have done nothing wrong. He has behaved quite appallingly, creating unnecessary drama and upset with his thoughtlessness. I’d never dream of inviting anyone along on our family holiday without consulting dh. That’s a basic even if well-intentioned. He has no business having a tantrum like this.

OP, I suspect your reaction just took the wind out of his "look what an amazing thing I've done" sails. He'll calm down, you can talk about it in the morning and it'll all be fine.

I'm not suggesting your reaction was unreasonable BTW; I love my PILs but I wouldn't want to holiday with them. I think he's probably super stressed and was expecting a much more enthusiastic response than he got.

Hope you get it sorted tomorrow (and that you make your meeting).

That's a very generous update on your behalf op. If my dh called me a cow, he'd be holidaying with the dc and his parents alone!

YANBU. Your DH is being ridiculous. Who wants their inlaws along on their special anniversary holiday? What sort of idiot would invite his parents to come on holiday without asking his wife first? And as for packing his bags and going home to Mummy........

I can't believe he's been so dense and cannot see that this ruins your family holiday. No cuddling up together at night or family trips with just you and the kids. When they're grown up, you'll wish you had some time away just you 4, without him turning round to chat to his parents or involve them in what should he your time together. What an idiot.

After your last update your dh’s reaction is bang out of order! He has basically been outraged by how you feel! Which you can’t bloody help! What did he expect? He has taken full control of planning a trip you have been dreaming of and discussing for some time. Has gone ahead and booked it, after consulting his parents, when he didn’t even have the decency to run it past you first.

Does he actually want to spend time with his children? Or does he foresee his parents watching them for the week whilst you two pretend you are newlyweds and romance the week away? I bet that’s it, he wants a reasonably child free holiday, so he has brought your in-laws as childcare, so you and he can spend time alone.

Only he won’t have reckoned on how much you have missed your little ones and were looking forward to a holiday of fun during the day with your dc and snuggling with a glass or two of wine after they have gone to bed. I bet he is taking your reaction as your saying you don’t want to spend time alone with him. When he is likely already jealous of any attention you give your dc.

YADNBU. I can't believe he's packed a bag and gone, because you had the nerve to not be ecstatic that he'd invited his parents on your holiday - without even consulting you.

I can see that he might think he's done a nice thing - allowing you nights out, to eat in restaurants etc - but to not even ask you first? I personally love holidaying with family - I also cherish holidays just us & the dc - but I would never dream of planning this without DH agreement.

He must know deep down that he is being very unreasonable

I'm half tempted to book a holiday with my parents for the same week and take the kids

If your MIL usually respects boundaries , I am amazed she agreed to go if she knew you were in the dark with the plans . Also if my DS turned up after such an argument, he would be packed off Home again !

He's left because he knows he's messed up but doesn't want to admit it to you.

DH and I are fortunate enough to have a lovely relationship with both of our parents.

We've been on short breaks with the children with both of them and had a great time.

That said I'd be equally upset as you if DH invited either set of parents on our only family holiday (not that he ever would).

As I said we've had some lovely times going away with parents but it works because there is a conscious effort by everyone not to tread on toes, give everyone some space and frankly because it's limited to 3 nights max (yes Centre Parcs on many occasions but we have a lodge with the children and parents stay in one bedroom apartments).

There is an "effort" involved in sharing a space with other people and their "ways" even if everyone is on best behaviour (food likes/dislikes, activités, waking up/sleep times etc etc).

Having that background tension/effort, when all you really want (and need) to do is relax over a prolonged period is a recipe for disaster.

It's not a reflection on your PIL's or how you feel about them. It's a need to have some time as a small family unit where you don't have to pander to the considerations of anyone outside that.

Tbh I'd stand your ground on this. He should have discussed this with you and yes it's now a mess - but one of his making and responsibility to sort out.

Book the week in a spa with your best friend and let him and his parents take the kids. Honestly I wouldn't go on a special family holiday with the inlaws.

YANBU, especially if the trip is self-catering.

Any short break I have ever spent with HIS family has involved me providing lots of meals for them, whilst they sat around enjoying the service. Not a holiday by any means, although they possibly all thought it was great.

I'd be happy (ish) to suck up the holiday this time but I'd want to lay out some ground rules about us getting some bloody time to ourselves too, I could maybe help MIL and FIL plan some activities for just the two of them..

Yes i think that is what he is hoping for, for you to back down.

Would it be awful for me to suggest to MIL that they perhaps come for part of the trip (like a long weekend) its only 2 hours from their house so not super far to go for a few nights?

Yanbu

Your dp’s behaviour is immature but he probably was very excited about having organised the holiday (must have been tricky given how busy he is) and thought you’d be pleased to have pil there for child care so that you could have time with just the two of you.

I suspect he felt rejected by your dismissing his present (especially the time just the two of you part) so he hurt you back by packing his bags.

Unilaterally taking a big decision without consulting the other is high handed and disrespectful. You might surprise someone with a birthday meal but holidays, cars big spends need both to discuss and agree. Bet he would have gone mental if you had done the same to him

YANBU, I can see how he would have thought he was doing a good thing but he should have been able to see why you wanted 'alone' time just with your little family.

Having other people along on your holiday changes the dynamics whether they are the inlaws or your two closest friends, suddenly you are trying to keep everyone happy instead of just yourselves.

I would suggest that you make the most of it (after your DH apologises good and proper for his behaviour!!), let your Inlaws know that you will be spending a lot of time by yourselves as a family, that you will spend a day or two (or whatever works for your family) together but the holiday is a chance for you to all reconnect as Mum/Dad and kids, you might even find it a bonus having them there if they don't mind watching the kids while the you and DH have a chance to let your hair down together.

Any short break I have ever spent with HIS family has involved me providing lots of meals for them, whilst they sat around enjoying the service. Not a holiday by any means, although they possibly all thought it was great.

This.......

Is the holiday self catering OP?

Your DH was completely and utterly unreasonable to book an 'extended' family holiday without discussion and agreement from you. This is your rare holiday time, too. And you had a right and a NEED to discuss what you want on your holiday with your family, too.

And he was a dick to call you selfish and ungrateful and then strop off to his parents.

I can only hope he's honest with his parents and they are horrified to discover that he invited them on your rare family holiday without discussing it with you first! And then not go. And insist their idiotic son apologise profusely to you for his twattish behaviour.

He knew when he was booking for your PiL to come with you that he shouldn't have been doing it. That's why he knew as soon as he told you and your face dropped.

Maybe his parents bullied him into it. But whatever happened with his PiL, he should have just told them a firm 'no'. He is clearly not as bothered about your family and family time as you are OP.

"Would it be awful for me to suggest to MIL that they perhaps come for part of the trip "

I think that that would be very kind.