Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

[TheSelfishCow]

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

He is being unreasonable because he shouldn’t have invited His parents as part of a surprise.

That said, I can imagine what went through his head when he booked and when he told you. He thought he’d had it sewn up: you’d be pleased he’d done this and he would have less child time because parents could baby sit. So when your face dropped he felt anger at possible waste of money, pride crushed because he thought you’d love the idea.

So he stropped off. As my daughter would say: perfetic.

September is a long way off. If work pressure is building up now like this, it’s not healthy. It sounds to me that your husband is finding it difficult to handle and this may have been a tipping point for him - temporary hopefully.

Well if one of my grown sons invited me on the only family time holiday he and wife were having. My and my Dh answer would be hell no!
I'd be tearing a strip of Ds for being such an idiot.
Call Mil and talk to her, tell her how much you love them and when Dh said there was going to be a holiday, you were so excited to finally have time with him and the kids as a family unit just the four of you, you could have burst.
She will understand you said she has good boundaries, she'll explain to him where he's gone terribly wrong.

If I was his DM I'd hit the roof. He abandons his dw and dc and comes running home because he made a major decision with out asking. He has put everyone in the family in an awkward position and then he blames YOU?

He is a spoilt brat and he needs to be given a stern telling off by his mummy.

Do you thhink that he must have told them that you're OK with it?

I'd be furious!

Packing his bags is such an overreaction

Leaves you with all the responsibility though

Shit husband & a shit father!

@Lollypop27 he's never ever reacted like this, he said he didn't want to be around someone so selfish and ungrateful (me) when all he had done was a lovely thing for all of us.

I don't think he's left me left me, but I don't know where we stand now. I'm meant to be leaving for work at 8am tomorrow so no idea if he will come back so I can go or what!

(He sounds like an immature knob. I struggle to cope with immature histrionics, so he wouldn't be the guy for me!)

BUT:

He should come back and apologise for misjudging things profusely. I'm being generous here and maybe he thought having his parents along meant you both could go out together and reconnect as a couple.

He would need to promise never to not include me in the decision making process of my own holiday (because I'm not a 5yo and couples are supposed to work..together?) And he would have to make another mini- family holiday - as in NOT parents.

You sound like you actually like your in-laws, so in summary, if he were to a) apologise b) promise never to make such important decisions without consulting his life partner and c) make a commitment for some family time together or another holiday ( finances permitting) , surely the holiday wouldn't be a write-off?

He would make it so, if he isn't prepared to take on board your feelings, I think.

His Mum should have told him to run it by you first. I would have advised my DS to do that. What a muppet he has been

I'm with LizzieSiddal on this. His over-reaction was ridiculous but the fact that he went to stay with his parents - the "issue" in this instance - is really disloyal.

I wouldn't feel too guilty about this op. It may be a genuine mistake in that he had a romantic vision of the holiday, with him spending time alone with you, while his parents looked after the DC. And you had a more "family" vision of the trip. But he should have consulted you first.

But mostly he was at fault for over-reacting, calling you a cow, and rushing off to his parents. He needs to grovel now.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I agree that your dh thought he was doing a nice thing and I understand why he’s upset that it fell flat...BUT I totally hear and feel you! I hope your dh is able to come back down to earth and realise this is not a slight against him or his parents but a simple desire for quality time with no interruptions. He should have run it by you first.

@diddl I imagine he told them I had no idea and not to say anything - he wasn't planning on telling me yet he wanted to make it a big surprise but I started saying 'we really must look to book that trip away' and he told me then..

Wow, people are so quick to judge. I guess it is AIBU...

To stand up for your DH, you’ve already said this is very unusual for him so I imagine it’s just a case of a genuine misunderstanding and mismatched expectations. He thought you’d be delighted about inviting the parents so you could have some time just the two of you. And lots of people would be - it just wasn’t the idea you had in your head. He was probably excited about telling you, and gutted it didn’t go down well, and is now reacting.

Let him calm down, and then talk about it? Could you have a couple of days without the grandparents while you are there? It might be nice to go out with just your DH for a couple of evenings too?

So you don't get any family time and you don't get and leaving thy time as a couple and it is your anniversary. You probably complain, (most of us do), about being tired, stressed, having to do it all. He thoguht by inviting the PIL along, (especially as you say they are good with the kids and good at keeping their distance), you could get some 1-1 time. You must really need it.

We did it when my DDwas 5 and DS was 1. I'd forgotten how nice it was to go out and have dinner and not be spponfeeding/supervising, keeping one eye on the kids. I'd forgotten how lovey it was to have a real long conversation with my DP. And the kids were happy.

If PIL can also go off and do their own thing, eat out sometimes, go on excursions on their own etc etc it could be lovely.

Holidays with children that age are not really holidays at all. Same problems, same workload but without any of your support network.

Talk to him. It might not be so bad.

Give her a call say what’s happened and that he’s on his way over, and explain that you wanted a ‘just the four of us holiday’ this time.

Sorry - awful typos

So he invited his parents but not yours?

His reaction is very childish.

YANBU.

He's not done a lovely thing for you though has he? He's done a lovely thing for him.

He's thought about what he wants, to get away with you, also being able to treat his parents that he feels he should do, and have them there to help out with childcare, so he can have a more relaxing break, without feeling guilty he's not doing more with the kids.

This isn't something he's done for you. He's not invited your parents along.

This is him thinking what sounds like the perfect trip for him.

@Giraffetower you're spot on. I do feel like I should get an apology, if not for the initial poor judgement on the holiday front, then for his tantrum like aftermath and fucking off like a toddler.

I'd be happy (ish) to suck up the holiday this time but I'd want to lay out some ground rules about us getting some bloody time to ourselves too, I could maybe help MIL and FIL plan some activities for just the two of them..

He has gone to his parents because he knows he is out of order.

"when all he had done was a lovely thing for all of us."

For himself & the kids maybe-but he can't really think that inviting his parents would be lovely for you?

Perhaps you should extend an invitation to your parents too- given it’s an extended family holiday after all.....

@HowardSpring and @Jenwiththecurls thank you for another perspective on it.
I don't want to fight or argue or even ruin the holiday, I just want to make it better and I don't know how at this point.

I feel like if I say to him that it's fine let's just get on with things but make sure we plan some proper family time for us along the way - then he's just going to say it's too late and it's ruined now

You both sound really stressed OP, with 2 very young children and a lot of working hours between you.

Perhaps tonight is a red flag that you both need to cut your stress levels down?

You are not being unreasonable. 100% he should have talked to you. 💐💐💐

@KeiTeNgeNge god no!! I just wouldn't ever want to do that and I adore my parents