Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

[TheSelfishCow]

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

Wow! YANBU. Explain that you were just so looking forward to some quality time together. If he still gives you shit then just let him stay at his parents until he works out where he went wrong with this one.

You are not unreasonable at all.

if my son packed his bags and came home to me in those circumstances, I'd tell him to cop on to himself and get back to his wife. I'd actually be a bit worried about his mental health.

I love PIL and we get plenty of time on our own and I STILL wouldn't want to holiday with them (or anyone actually - our best friends are dying for us to vacation with them but I have no intention of doing it ever - I like my own space). And if I expressed this and dh took a strop and packed his bags I'd probably be laughing too hard at his tantrum to cry.

Look, your lives sound full on and very stressful. Is it possible he just lost the plot and this isn't really how he thinks/wants to behave? Would you maybe text him and say "lets discuss this tomorrow"

YANBU. I would expect an equal say in whether PIL come on holiday with us.

Hell fire, I adore my PILs and we do go away with them once a year, but I would have a shit fit if DP booked something without consulting me - and in your family circumstances, it's really out of order of him.

I note that he has gone back to his parents - is there any chance that they will actually help him to see it your way? I mean, if he moans to them that you selfishly want your first holiday since before the children came along to be just for your family unit, given that you don't get much time together as a family, might they point out that he should probably have run it by you first, or that you actually have a point?

He’s an idiot for assuming you’d just be delighted. I too would be gutted beyond words. Who is he to organise YOUR holiday without your agreement? He is being unreasonable and has overreacted massively. Packed a bag and run home to mummy and daddy? Is he actually an adult?

Hes packed his bags and huffed off over that. Does he normally behave so ridiculous?!

Yanbu

Give him some time to cool off and hopefully he will realise why you were upset and how he has messed up- albeit with good intentions

Nah, let him off, yanbu about the holiday at all, inviting anyone on a holiday warrants discussion and then when you are honest he packs his bag and runs off to mammy and daddy, fuck that! Someone needs to cut the apron strings there!

The main problem for me would be his reaction; the names he's called you, and packing a bag like that. Really horrible.

Tbh, it doesn't sound much of a marriage.

Do you both really have to work the amount that you do?

It sounds as though your relationship is breaking down because of lack of time together.

I was going to call his mum, but I'm not sure if he's told them my reaction or what's been said (if anything). And then how bloody awkward is that? Oh Hi MIL, just so you know DH is on his way round, we've had a big argument because he invited you on our holiday and I really don't want you there oh and you've paid and booked so it's too late to cancel now anyway so we're all going to have to go and pretend to have fun together!

YANBU. He's a tit! Don't apologise, OP - and show him this thread.

YADNBU!!

I'd be seriously sorting out your availability for family time too. Not having an opportunity for another 2/3 years is just ridiculous

What the hell was he thinking?

Yanbu at all btw

I would probably have burst into tears.

Fuck that. He's being a cock. YANBU

Is it possible that the over-reaction was actually because he realised how badly he'd misjudged it?

Why was his reaction so over the top? Packing his bags and leaving over a fairly small argument like that?? I couldn't deal with someone like that.

He shouldn’t have gone ahead and booked it with them. He was thoughtless in that regard, but I guess he wanted to do something nice for you, and must have thought you would like it?

Holidays are hard work with little kids, do the pils normally help?

Your working hours sound insane.

He's never stormed off before ever! We very rarely argue. I am going to show him this thread when he's cooled off a bit.

It's never going to be a fun trip now with this having happened anyway, PIL either won't come and DH will be annoyed about it, or they will and then everyone will know Id rather they weren't there

He sounds like he hasn't quite grown up yet to be honest! I'd go mad if my PIL were around every weekend nevermind on holiday too! It almost sounds like he doesn't want to spend time alone with you all.

I think he thought he was doing something really lovely and it would be a nice surprise

YANBU. I love my PIL and we spend a few days with them each year, but I’d have a shit fit if DH secretly invited them on our annual family summer holiday without discussing it with me first.