Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

[TheSelfishCow]

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

Yanbu!! I would be furious! He definitely should have run in past you first. That is not a “special family holiday” when the pils are coming along. and how immature of him to run off to his parents. DO NOT back down. He needs to realise he screwed up.

@DeRigueurMortis yes, completely. There are restaurants and pubs about a 15 min drive away from what I've found so far, but the whole point of the place is to not be in the middle of a busy town and to enjoy your peaceful surroundings being self sufficient and be alone..

I don't want to say too much about where it is in case SIL or MIL are about 👀

He should marry his parents if he's still intend on feasting from their collective teat.

My PIL are really nice and I would still be absolutely devastated to hear that my only holiday that year was with them. Why on earth would he think that was a good idea lol? In his defence it sounds like he thought he was doing something good... But I don't quite understand his logic. YANBU but this sounds like a misunderstanding. Hope you manage to sort it out OP, sounds like you deserve a relaxing holiday xxx

@Hoopaloop thank you for that, it made me smile for the first time all night

If your not to bothered about going away as such could you get your DH to take the DC and he could go on holiday with his DP whilst you got to stay at home and do what you want?

I'd love that idea if it was me,no travelling,no packing,I could eat what I want when I want,spend all day in my PJ's,watch what I want when I want,meet up with my friends at a drop of a hat,that for me would be a holiday in it's self.

I'd rather go camping in my own back garden at the moment than anywhere with him

He probably would take the kids for the week without me but there's no way I'm giving up a whole uninterrupted 8 days with my babies!

This really isn't for you to make right OP. He's been a twat. He shouldn't have invited his parents, and he should have the grace to admit he got that badly wrong, instead of huffing off.
I hope he shows up for 8am. He's being very unpleasant as he knows you need him in the morning.

P.S the daily mail are cunts (just in case)

The main problem for me would be his reaction; the names he's called you, and packing a bag like that. Really horrible.

^This^

Was he looking for a reason to strop off? Has he definitely gone to his parents?

Your husband has massively fucked up and he knows he has. That's why he's being so defensive and such a collosal prick.

you both work 6 days?
You're poor kids.
Unless the only option is the streets then sort this out. They will have grown upbefore you know it and you will miss out on the best bits.

The OP has already said the work situation is temporary....

Problem is it's fucked now. Will be mega awkward if you all end up going.

One of us is always at home with them, one of us is out on appointments whilst the other works from home with them except one morning and one afternoon when they go to nursery/pre school when we both have to be on outbound appointments. It's temporary!

There must be something else on his mind, seems like too much of an overreaction otherwise.

@MustShowDH he wouldn't say he's going there if he was going elsewhere, I ironically speak to him mum daily so he knows he wouldn't get away with lying about that! If he wanted to sneak off in secret he would have said he was staying at a mates.

southnownorth Thu 17-Jan-19 22:23:51

. My DH is a massive people pleaser. He will happily invite people and then not realise about anyone else's feelings.

these two sentances do not belong together. But explain a lot

@Fiddie it's fucked whether we all go, some of us go, or none of us go I think!

He has properly screwed up by running home to Mummy and potentially caused issues with your in-laws, just because your feelings didn’t meet his expectations!

He could have flung a huff, gone for a walk to cool down and come home and gone to bed. Giving you time to come to terms with the shock and start looking for ways to improve on his cockup. Instead he has made sure that you are upset, his parents will be pissed off and resent you and that the dream holiday is going to be bloody awkward.

I am surprised his parents haven't sent him back. Or at least called you. If you see them a lot and you get on well I would expect them to be supportive of you? He can't shirk his responsibilities and run home to mummy!

You poor thing. I know how you feel, we work loads, have 4 teenagers coming & going, & just getting some time alone means so much, I know it's a bit different for you you wanted to be on your own with the kids. Either way you are not being unreasonable.

I'd put money on him having gone there and told them we've had an argument and he needs some space but not told them why.
He wouldn't want to hurt their feelings or admit he's fucked up or risk them telling him they agree with me.

Your lives sound hectic!
Any chance you can decrease your work load (both of you preferably)? This can't be good for your marriage.

He was probably misguided with his plans and thought they could help out with the dc.

I would go and book another second holiday just for your nuclear family. Then go enjoy both.