Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

[TheSelfishCow]

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

Unfortunately, there's a big difference between a surprise and a shock.

He sounds like a child, running home to Mummy and by doing that has escalated the whole issue!

YANBU OP.

Holidays are precious family time.

When my DH invited a family member on holiday years ago it nearly split us up.

I had a big thread on here about it at the time.

He has been warned to never invite a family member again.

He is only reacting that way as he knows he is in the wrong. My DH did exactly the same.

Hope he comes to his senses.

It sounds like he’s embarrassed and wrong footed by your (justifiable) reaction. Your working hours (both of yours) sound very full on a consuming. Is this a long term thing?

Cannot understand any one who wants to share holidays with their parents if you have left home and have kids. FFS!

Why not invite his grandparents too? And their parents? Their dog? The whole bangjang!

Cut the Gordian knot OP and tell him either cancel the holiday or he'll be faced with a bigger bill....

I imagine he's gone there in hope of getting some back up and validation of his feelings, I'm not sure what they'll say if he tells them.

He sounds like a man child, running off to his parents like that.

Yes, he should have discussed this with you first, your marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. And when you get so little time together as a family unit, of course you're not being wrong, or selfish, in wanting a holiday without anyone else around.

Having your PIL there will totally change the dynamic. And I'd bet the PIL don't do as much babysitting as your DH thinks. It's a holiday, so they'll want to do stuff too.

I guess it's too much to hope his DM sends him home with a flea in his ear?

I can't believe he's gone running off to his parents

@southnownorth oh wow, what happened (if you don't mind me asking)? How did things get better?

he’s packed his bags , left you & the DC and gone back to mummy & daddy

he sounds a ridiculous, irresponsible child
That's not how adults deal with a disagreement

That is even more immature than unilaterally deciding to invite ILs on what you say is probably your only vacation this year

No no no no

I'd hate this and I get on with MIL. We go away with her too. But not as a surprise & never when we have plans as a nuclear family.

Men are tits sometimes they do shit without thinking or asking. Id of been furious. I would ring mil and explain the situation tomorrow. If shes reasonable she will understand. Maybe she didnt want to go anyway but felt obliged. Him walking out is way ott.

Is he under particular stress at the moment ?

YANBU OP.

I can't believe he has left to stay at his parents. Does he have form for this?

Please don't show him this thread when he's cooled off a bit. It won't change his opinion or the way he reacted which is OTT.

What if you invited others to this family holiday without first running it past him? If so and he got upset would you then storm off, call him names, pack a bag and go back to your parents leaving him to look after the DC?

If I were you I wouldn't only be fuming about the holiday but his subsequent reaction. And YANBU.

I think you should salvage this by embracing the PILs coming with you. You and DH can go out together without kids, have lie ins, share the travel trauma with them. Then afterwards you make it clear that you’d like to take charge of your holidays and book what you want next year.

It's just simply not ok for one person in a couple to make a decision like that without discussion with the other one.

I must admit, if my DS came to me and told me he'd done what your DH has done, I'd be telling his to keep his bags packed and go home to his partner to talk it out properly like an adult.

Sounds bizarre that he's packed his bags over this. Did you sit him down and say calmly that he should have discussed it with you first, or did you really lay into him? Sometimes the reaction is worse than the action.
Weird.

Yes very stressed at the moment with work, we both are, which is why this precious time meant such a lot to me. The work situation and hours is temporary until September, it's really hard but we're doing it to be able to build a stable home for our family.

He might think it a lovely surprise but he will you there to look after your dc’s snd his parents to look after your dc’s if you want a walk. I feel mean in pointing out that it will be a very easy holiday for him. Perhaps agree if you are able to just get into the car with your bag and Absolutely Everything Else is organised by him.

It’s supposed to be your holiday too.

Oh dear OP.

Perhaps when everyone calms down, you use this as a point to talk about what's going wrong in your family life balance. You aren't happy with how little time you get to spend together as a family without also hosting other people, if you had a more normal balanced family life, these 8 days wouldn't feel so precious.

Something has to change in 2019.

Well on the actually holiday his family member acted how I thought they would as we had been away with them before and they were incredibly selfish the first time round.

He realised how big a mistake it was when it all kicked off on holiday, how upset I was, how hard it was making sure everyone was happy all the time. He was very sorry at the time and has never invited anyone since. My DH is a massive people pleaser. He will happily invite people and then not realise about anyone else's feelings.

I think your biggest issue is that he’s packed a bag and gone to his parents? Has he left you? Is this just a tantrum? Does he do this every time you disagree with him op?

I would honestly be questioning my marriage if my husband packed a bag and went to his parents because I didn’t agree with him.

@Disquieted1 I was very calm, if a little upset. I didn't shout or raise my voice at all. I tried really really hard not to cry. I think I just looked incredibly sad and tried to explain how precious this time is to me and I just wished he had had a conversation about it with me to gauge my feelings.