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Original poster

Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

377 replies

TheSelfishCow · 17/01/2019 21:58

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 19/01/2019 16:15

Hope you and he managed to talk things through op.

SaturdayNext · 19/01/2019 16:24

@BejamNostalgia, could you explain what exactly is your source for the statement that OP was overreacting and too overwrought for a reasonable discussion?

Stardustinmyeyes · 19/01/2019 16:32

BejamNostalgia

Are you the op's husband, I ask because you seem to know stuff that the op hasn't even posted about

Charlie97 · 19/01/2019 19:15

@TheSelfishCow hope it's being resolved Thanks

Awrite · 19/01/2019 19:46

He's unreasonable on so many counts. Please don't try to appease his bad behaviour or, I fear, you will spend a lifetime doing so.

Holidays should be looked forward to by the way.

Good luck with the chat tonight. I have a feeling he will get his own way though.

Clinque · 19/01/2019 20:03

Yanbu... Not that I'd ever pull a stunt like this, anyway, because I'd need to be daft to somehow not have known your feelings on the subject beforehand. I mean....I try, in general not to spring things on her such as would piss off my wife to the extent that this would...but, if I lived in some bizarre alternate reality where I somehow had done this thing, I can tell you right now. she'd look at me levelly and say nothing for a few moments and then she'd just simply tell me to change the bookings or none of us were going anywhere. And I'd know that there was no point in even trying to get defensive about something this dumb and I'd bloody well do what she'd said before making everything even worse. I would also know that if I didn't fight her on it and instead said that I needed help fixing it now, while she'd not get actively involved, she'd absolutely help me come up with how to approach my parents, the situation as a whole, so I'd have an easier and better attempt at making everything good.

Omg I can't imagine the backlash over calling her a cow, telling her she's spoilt and then packing bags and going to my parents. My parents! I would need to actually be intending to leave her before doing some crap like that. And...when all's said and done, I have absolutely no desire to leave.

Which...is why I'd just never go about anything this way. Tbh...I think she'd be so broadsided by my display of lunacy that she'd probably be concerned and genuinely worry if I'd suffered a stroke or something.

But one thing I can say for certain; if she were unhappy with the arrangements, there's no way in hell she'd be allowing her chance at a holiday to be taken away like that. And she'd simply shut it down, get the money back if I wouldn't, and I'd likely not be given the opportunity to make the same mistake twice. And if I tried to go with the kids and my parents without her, well...no. I won't go there, not even theoretically. Lol.

Put your foot down. Be kind but just...I dunno, you're the woman of the home, you simply do not need to put up with this.

End of story.

BejamNostalgia · 19/01/2019 20:16

She burst into tears when he told her about the holiday! That wouldn’t really suggest that she was in the mood for a calm and rational discussion. Both of them overreacted.

This is the usual shite MN biased advice.

Their lifestyle at the moment is unacceptably stressful for both of them. Telling the OP she should tell him that she’s marvellous and he’s a bastard who should crawl back home and beg her forgiveness is shite advice.

They’re in an intolerably stressful situation. Both of them are bottling up frustration. They both lost it and had a blow up. They need to work out how to make their lives less stressful and communicate better.

Taking advice of MN pot stirrers trotting out their usual ‘what a bastard’ shite would be destructive and achieve nothing.

BejamNostalgia · 19/01/2019 20:17

The most constructive thing to do would be for both of them to apologise and find a way to work through the problems together.

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 19/01/2019 20:25

Hope you manage to sort things out OP, I'd be so upset if my DH secretly invited his mum on our holiday, although I would hope he knows better than to do that. We don't exactly get on...

MummaBear120613 · 19/01/2019 20:27

YANBI I'd have been just as gutted. Give him the night to cool off, I'm sure he'll see it from your side and understand how you're feeling. He would've done this with the best of intentions, but I totally see why you're upset xxx

Tiredofit · 19/01/2019 20:49

It isn’t normal for a couple to go all day without speaking - I guess this is how problems are starting to set in

We’ll, we are obviously abnormal. In our 27 years of marriage I don’t think we’ve ever called each other from work except in an emergency ie. I’m going to be late can you pick up dc or, shit did I switch the hob off!

cstaff · 19/01/2019 20:50

@behamnostalgia You are of course right that they should have sorted it sooner rather than later. What should not have happened is him packing his bags and running back to mummy. That was just plain childish.

Yeah she was upset but you know what - that is allowed. He just needs to learn to deal in a grown up manner.

Hope you get sorted OP.

elle1111112 · 19/01/2019 20:52

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents

Wow. What an absolute man baby running to Mummy and Daddies when he's a grown man with two kid. LTB!!!

aruba786 · 19/01/2019 20:54

hope u manage to get things sorted Op.

Stardustinmyeyes · 19/01/2019 20:56

BejamNostalgia

Re-read the op, she didn't burst into tears.

elle1111112 · 19/01/2019 20:59

Well the OP could also have calmly said she’d prefer to go without his parents. I’m not sure why men are always supposed to be calm and reasonable but female overreaction is by the by. He wasn’t the only one overreacting and too overwrought for a reasonable discussion

Stop mansplaining how we need to tip toe around man babies like the OP's husband. He did an absolute shitty thing he shouldn't have done. Would you like it if your girlfriend booked a holiday and invited her parents without asking her first?! No?!

The fact that all she did was have a look on her face that showed her annoyance, and you think that the OP is in the wrong?! Wow.

frazzledasarock · 19/01/2019 21:01

@BejamNostalgia where does OP say she ‘burst into tears’?

She said her faced must have dropped, but she spoke to him calmly about her reasons for wanting a family holiday with just them.

To which her husband responded she was selfish and blah blah & then he packed his bags and stripped of to his mummys.

I actually re-read the OP’s responses again after reading some the replies on here.

OP didn’t cry
She did not scream
She did not tell him to leave the house.
She did try to calmly explain her views
He stropped off leaving her to deal with two young children alone. And she had work early the next day.

But yeah, don’t let that stop making excuses the for poor hard done by H!

Dragonlight · 19/01/2019 21:01

I just saw this on a nine news site. No names but a lot of detail. OP I hope you're ok.

Motoko · 19/01/2019 21:08

She burst into tears when he told her about the holiday!

You're making shit up again! This is what OP said:
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

Lunde · 19/01/2019 21:39

BejamNostalgia - She burst into tears when he told her about the holiday! That wouldn’t really suggest that she was in the mood for a calm and rational discussion. Both of them overreacted.

You are just making stuff up - OP didn't say that she burst into tears at all, She said the her "face dropped" which means she looked disappointed

from OP...........................................................
DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness. OP very happy at prospect of family holiday

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago. OP's DH has decided to book the holiday with his parents and exclude OP from discussions and choices
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway. OP looked disappointed and didn't say anything - so no crying and no getting overwrought that Bejam has invented

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen. OP attempts to discuss the situation rationally with DH

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow. He's packed a bag and gone to his parents. DH throws a tantrum and stomps home to mummy - precluding an adult discussion
......................................................................................

BejamNostalgia · 19/01/2019 21:59

No, she said she tried really hard not to cry - which I took that she did cry.

Having to make a real effort not to cry is not just looking a bit disappointed. You can see people are doing it. It’s being devastated. It’s not being disappointed.

There is clearly a lot going on here. Their lives are organised in such a way that it’s very stressful and they’re both dissatisfied. They both seem to be either working or with their children most of the time.

They also both seem to be wanting different things. The OP wants time together alone as a family. Her DH seems to be concerned about wanting to spend some time alone with his wife doing adult things.

Neither is wrong, but the situation has brought it into focus because it had created an either/or situation where either they can go with his parents and spend some time together alone, or they can go alone as a family.

They need to sort something out in the future so they are both getting enough of what both of them want - time alone as a family and time alone as a couple.

But you just carry on stirring the pot. Hopefully OP will come back and tell you that they’re getting divorced so that you can all sit back happy with the smug satisfaction you’ve made someone else’s life as miserable as your own.

redredvino · 19/01/2019 22:06

How have things gone tonight?

billybagpuss · 19/01/2019 22:16

Have you managed to talk properly yet?

DewDropsonKittens · 19/01/2019 22:19
Sad
Stardustinmyeyes · 19/01/2019 22:27

Jesus BejamNostalgia

I would really hate to have a conversation with you, you're just making stuff up.
So because the op said she tried really hard not to cry, you've decided that she did cry.

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