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AIBU?

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Original poster

Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

377 replies

TheSelfishCow · 17/01/2019 21:58

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 18/01/2019 08:05

he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me

I am really not a big fan of 'surprises'. I want to be involved in the choosing and the planning, especially if it is a significant investment of joint funds.

he had done was a lovely thing for all of us.

Stropping off is such an immature reaction, it is just more of the same, making decisions without involving you. If he could realise that you need to be an equal partnership in future and that he needs to involve you in any big decisions, it would be the best possible outcome.

Don't chase him, don't apologise: the ball is in his court now, let him do the running.

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:06

It's far more likely that the OP told him where to go than him upping sticks.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/01/2019 08:06

If I were you, before you talk to him, I'd contact your MiL to see if he said anything about why he went home last night. Gauge where the land lies before you need to or have to talk to him.

Original poster
TheSelfishCow · 18/01/2019 08:07

I didn't tell him where to go at all Hmm I wouldn't have sent him away knowing that I had such an important day today and whilst all I've wanted to do it make this work/right/better. I was upset not angry or mad, I just wanted to fix things.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/01/2019 08:09

Does your DH see you two plus DC as a separate individual family unit or does he still see his parents as part of the same unit?

It's great when parents are involved etc but the nuclear family still needs time on its own, it doesn't take away from being a close knit "extended" family.

Pumpkintopf · 18/01/2019 08:10

Did he come back so you could go to work op?

Pretty irresponsible to run away knowing you had work commitments imo.

wellhellothereall · 18/01/2019 08:13

He is out of order on every front

SkylightAndChandelier · 18/01/2019 08:14

Sounds very much like he thinks a family holiday means you and him spending time together and in laws looking after the kids. I think he needs to be told that family means you and the kids....

I think this is very likely - I've had this - when DP's been away for a bit, I want to spend time with us all as a family first, then time with him alone.

He doesn't prioritise spending time with the kids at all.

OutPinked · 18/01/2019 08:15

YANBU. I would be gutted too and he has reacted like a child.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/01/2019 08:17

A guy I worked with organised a surprise trip for him and his wife for their anniversary. He got his parents to babysit the kids and she was really excited about it all, until she heard that they were self-catering in the middle of nowhere. She really wanted to go and stay at a hotel in the city, you know dress up, eat at a nice restaurant, that sort of thing. She told him she was disappointed and he was such a dick about it. I told him so as well. I also hate surprises. Part of the risk of a surprise is that the other person will be disappointed.

Canshopwillshop · 18/01/2019 08:18

You are definitely NBU. He had no right to invite his parents without consulting you first.

Hazlenutpie · 18/01/2019 08:19

It’s him who just be fixing things OP. You’ve done nothing wrong. 💐

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 18/01/2019 08:30

I think this is symptomatic of a bigger thing. I agree he’s a twat, BUT both of you working 6 days a week is the real problem. I don’t see how this is sustainable with 2 young children. How could you address this issue?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 18/01/2019 08:32

you both work 6 days?
You're poor kids.
Unless the only option is the streets then sort this out. They will have grown upbefore you know it and you will miss out on the best bits

FFS, people are so judgemental Hmm
OP has said this is a temporary arrangement and a necessity at the moment. I doubt very much OP and her DH are working such long hours for the sheer joy of it. The poor woman's twat of a DH has just called her names and walked out on her and you're berating her for working hard to support her family. Nice.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 18/01/2019 08:40

He didn't book 'babysitters'. He's booked to take his parents with them on a very rarely taken family holiday without talking to his wife about it first. Two very different things.

I would be speechless and then quite upset as well. That's just not on. Especially when you hardly ever have any time together as a family to begin with, and these are precious holiday days.

I would be fully expecting him to sort it out, telling his parents what he had done, apologising for putting them in this position, and asking them to not come. He also owes OP a huge apology for what he's done, and then stropping off like a toddler for his poor choice.

kennelmaid · 18/01/2019 08:46

You're definitely NBU, I'd feel the same as you. What jumps out at me from your post though is that you both work six days a week then when you are at home you're working on your phones. What about work/life balance?

nothinglikeadame · 18/01/2019 08:48

Your work life balance is ridiculous, no way should you both be working so much with two little ones, this is the real reason behind this situation you are now in.

It is perfectly doable for you both to work full time, but have a hell of a lot more 'family' time. You will never get this time back with them.

Check your lifestyle and make changes. No high paid job is worth what you are both losing. I'm suprised it's taling this long for one of you to snap.

teraculum29 · 18/01/2019 08:59

Just wondering...
Maybe he thought he is doing you a favour??
I m thinking, I will take mum and dad with us so they can babysit and you and him have a quality time just 2 of you??

obviously he didn't think that through

LannieDuck · 18/01/2019 09:04

There was a really good thread on here a while ago about a woman who went on holiday and her DH's family came too. It may have been the one mentioned by the poster earlier in the thread. I wonder if anyone has the link?

That thread also linked to another amazing thread on a different site where the woman's MIL turned up accidentally-on-purpose. That one actually led to the couple breaking up.

MovingThisYearDefinitely · 18/01/2019 09:04

Glad he came back OP. Flowers

woollyheart · 18/01/2019 09:05

He has made a mistake. Just because he feels totally comfortable having his parents on holiday doesn't mean you will feel the same.

Perhaps this will remind him that you are an individual and not just an extension of him.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 18/01/2019 09:05

Yanbu. Don’t be a doormat and apologise. You need to start standing up for yourself. There are several red flags here.

gambaspilpil · 18/01/2019 09:13

Your DH was very foolish to think he could book a holiday and invite his parents without you being involved in that decision. He obviously believed you wouldn’t have an issue with it. He should have apologised but instead he runs to his parents who I am assuming didn’t make any contact with you? Given this special relationship you must all have. Then your DH stays the night leaving you all night not knowing if he will be back so you can go to work and arrives then mina before you need to leave. That’s actually very abusive.... you need to have a fierce conversation with this man child..... your life sounds terribly stressful as it is despite this turn of events

Wheresthebeach · 18/01/2019 09:34

Outrageous behaviour from him on all counts.

nothinglikeadame · 18/01/2019 09:35

"The poor woman's twat of a DH has just called her names and walked out on her and you're berating her for working hard to support her family. Nice."

And here's you immediately cracking on with usual Mumsnet man hating..always got to be their fault hasn't it?.

The facts are there has been a tremendous amount of pressure in this relationship due to the stupid hours both are working.

Hopefully this has been a wake up call and lifestyles can be reassessed.

There are no ' red flags' here, just frustration born out of desperation.

Start putting the kids& family first time wise and leave the career building stuff until later. Get the priorities right.

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