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Original poster

Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

377 replies

TheSelfishCow · 17/01/2019 21:58

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 18/01/2019 20:14

@TheSelfishCow hope you have a restful night, you must be exhausted Thanks

BlimeyCalmDown · 18/01/2019 20:14

I'm thinking maybe - he wants the best of both worlds ie a couple holiday - where you have daily babysitters alongside having 'his' much loved parents around him = selfish unthoughtful prat not to have checked.

Side thought - how is your relationship? If you don't have much opportunity to spend time together - have you grown apart? or has he without you realising? Could it be he for some reason is trying to avoid you 2 being alone together?? (just thinking randomly here and putting it out there.....)

Qcng · 18/01/2019 20:16

Hopefully he's chilled out a bit meanwhile?

The plan to take the holiday together but make sure you have your own time and PILs have their own time doing their own thing, sounds doable once everyone's used to the idea.

Also, it could be handy having babysitters so you and your dh can have a date night?

Hope it works out.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 18/01/2019 20:17

It isn’t normal for a couple to go all day without speaking - I guess this is how problems are starting to set in. You need to get in the habit of ringing each other on a break or lunch break - even 5 mins scheduled every day so you can start to communicate again. Your work schedules are tearing you apart so if you want to make it work with him communicating a little every day is an easy place to start. Just an idea!

EverlyNow · 18/01/2019 20:23

OP, your H is being an ass!!

I’m in a similar situation, as my DH walked into the living room one evening and happily told me “I’ve just spoken to my mum and she’s agreed to come on holiday [to Disneyworld] with us”.

My reaction was “why the fuck did you do that??!”. I’m furious. It’s our special family holiday, not time for me to be with MIL...

He honestly thought it was a great idea as she will babysit ONE of the nights!!!!

He’s since apologised multiple times. At no point did he get angry/pack a bag/walk out.

Your H needs to apologise. You’re supposed to be a team and make decisions together, not get railroaded.

EverlyNow · 18/01/2019 20:25

P.s. I’ve told my DH that he needs to sort it out as I’m not bloody going on my family holiday with his mother!!

tokira · 18/01/2019 20:28

It isn’t normal for a couple to go all day without speaking - I guess this is how problems are starting to set in

^^this

If you haven't spoken or even messaged after he walked out last night, and you have two young DC between you too... Sorry to say but it's really not healthy!

Molly333 · 18/01/2019 20:34

He's taken control of it all not allowing you any choice or say!!!

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/01/2019 23:19

It isn’t normal for a couple to go all day without speaking

I can go days without speaking to dp when he goes away.

Blinkingblimey · 18/01/2019 23:37

I really hope he was waiting up to greet you and say sorry...if not💐. But stay firm, you have done nothing wrong - my dh can take a while to ‘mull’ before admitting he got it wrong, they usually get there in the end🤞

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/01/2019 23:52

I can't agree that it "isn't normal" to go all day without speaking to one another - some people just don't, some people do!
I have a friend who is on the phone to her OH at least 5 times a day, and I have friends who don't speak to their OH while they're at work at all.
Different people, innit.

SaturdayNext · 19/01/2019 00:20

If I don't see OH before I go out in the morning, it's perfectly normal for us to go the rest of the working day without speaking - and if one of us is out in the evening that may mean it's the rest of the actual day. When we go to work we both of us tend to concentrate on what we are paid to do rather than phoning each other.

ThisWayDown · 19/01/2019 00:24

Agree with ThumbWitchesAbroad that for some people, going all day without speaking to one another is normal. Some people don't have the type of jobs that allow them to be on personal calls much if at all.

As for your situation OP, YNBU. Terrible that he didn't think to ask you, and terrible he's reacted like he did. You are not selfish.

I may be really reaching here and way off base ... but do you think there may be other issues in the marriage that you don't know about? It just seems that he was so quick to call you a selfish cow and turn on his heel and leave the house, and hasn't as yet returned, that I cynically wonder whether part of him wanted an excuse to leave, or to make things your fault, or to widen the distance between the two of you (inviting his parents on holiday being an example of this).

ThisWayDown · 19/01/2019 00:25

Typo - I meant to write hasn't as yet "APOLOGISED", not returned. I see he returned this morning to look after the kids.

Evilspiritgin · 19/01/2019 00:58

I don’t know why people are going on about him going to his parents, would they rather it could have ended up being a screaming match with 2 young kids there

DoctorDread · 19/01/2019 02:46

Hope the chat goes well and you sort things out op

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2019 03:06

"I don’t know why people are going on about him going to his parents, would they rather it could have ended up being a screaming match with 2 young kids there"

There are other options you know! Mature options such as sitting down like a rational human being and listening to your wife's concerns, apologising for acting without thinking about anyone else, talking it through - having a tanty in either a running-off or screaming the house down fashion are NOT the mature options!

kateandme · 19/01/2019 03:31

yes I don't think walking out was right.
does he usuaully do things like this when things blow up or go wrong.
if not it could be how stressful your both finding things at home.
like there is no fight so its easier ot he just has to "get out" that not your fault it just sounds a bit tense at home?working all hours and not being togrther.
I like pp ideas on trying to communicate and come together.text.phone calls.nothing fancy just really linking the two of you again as a team.

Gina2012 · 19/01/2019 06:23

I don’t know why people are going on about him going to his parents, would they rather it could have ended up being a screaming match with 2 young kids there

Good grief

Are those your only two options?

The OPs partner could have said how sad he felt that he expected a joyful reaction from the OP but didn't get one

They could have then sat down and worked out what to do

But no - the cockwomble rushed off somewhere - we assume to Mummy - because he didn't get the reaction he wanted

Is he 5?

What a ludicrous and pathetic man - beyond infantile and a total jerk

BejamNostalgia · 19/01/2019 09:27

The OPs partner could have said how sad he felt that he expected a joyful reaction from the OP but didn't get one

Well the OP could also have calmly said she’d prefer to go without his parents. I’m not sure why men are always supposed to be calm and reasonable but female overreaction is by the by. He wasn’t the only one overreacting and too overwrought for a reasonable discussion.

Pics · 19/01/2019 09:42

I agree with others. He has overreacted and been unkind. He is clearly not understood that this is NOT what you wanted. But your children are young and it sounds like you have not had many holidays with them, so he probably just hasn't thought it through. And there are SOME people who like holidays with GPs. He has massively taken offence because of stress, maybe he is feeling even more stressed than you - we all deal with it differently. He is seeing that their contribution means a better holiday than you could have maybe dreamed of affording and you clearly get on with your IL. And maybe they will be helpful (we don't know what they are like). He has misunderstood which part of the holiday matters most to you and this combined with your disappointment has just been too much for him to deal with. You have clearly said this is not normal for him. Fight or flight kicked in. He was wrong, but this is a a red flag for communication, your work life balance and BOTH of your mental health.
Be kind to yourself by being kind to each other. You are quite right to be upset and angry, but maybe this time without talking can help you both get your heads together and now you can talk through the wider issues and find a way forward. Maybe he has had time to talk to someone else who might have set him straight!

Gina2012 · 19/01/2019 10:10

I’m not sure why men are always supposed to be calm and reasonable but female overreaction is by the by.

He was the one who had changed the pre agreed plans to include PIL

BlackCatSleeping · 19/01/2019 10:14

Maybe i missed an update somewhere, but as far as I can see, the OP was very calm and just felt sad about the whole thing. There’s no indication that she overreacted at all.

Motoko · 19/01/2019 10:46

Well the OP could also have calmly said she’d prefer to go without his parents. I’m not sure why men are always supposed to be calm and reasonable but female overreaction is by the by.

Exactly how did OP overreact? I'd hardly call a change of facial expression "overreacting".

You're just making shit up to suit your narrative.

Coyoacan · 19/01/2019 13:54

I just think that you both need to find a way to make more time for each other. A relationship needs communication to work and communication needs time together.

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