Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

[TheSelfishCow]

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

The red flags are 1. booking a holiday ‘as a surprise’ but it being what he wants not she wants

1. There being an unhealthy stressful current living arrangement - why working 6 days each, why not communicating, why no time for each other

1. Him blowing up and overreacting over her expressing a completely valid opinion

1. Him running away and leaving her upset over something they should have sat down and talked about

1. His parents being willing to take him in for the night and not tell him to sort it out

1. Having a massive arguemtnt about this - it’s probably means there’s way more issues that are lying underneath

1. The op feeling she’s done something wrong and wanting to make it up - when it’s actually been all him

He’s was out of order but probably behaved from a position of caring about you....he got it wrong! But we all do and men especially (been with DH 22yrs and we have 8 children...sorry men!) reminds me of when we had 3 very young children and DH bought me “toddler taming” as a Mother’s Day present 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ He really thought I’d love it!! Honestly he did....I was apoplectic with rage!

Anyhow, he needs to apologise for not respecting your boundaries - he should have consulted you over the PIL and for being an immature person by storming out.

Then if I were you I’d carry on with the booked holiday - making VERY SURE that you take time for the two of you...you need to connect with each other - the work/life balance is going to break you if you aren’t careful - each of you will become more of a childcare solution for when the other is working rather than a life partner. I know exactly how hard self employment is and for both of you to be doing it makes for a very complicated dynamic to satisfy.

In the meantime you agree to both take a couple of extra days and book another short holiday with just the 4 of you.

He sounds awful.

There are several problems to address as I see them.

1. He didn't ask if you minded PILs coming on holiday
2. He got angry when you expressed your opinion
3. He stormed off in a tantrum

But the main problem is that it is clear he doesn't want to be alone with you and the children for eight days. I expect he prefers work to looking after such young children.

Your dream holiday of just the family isolated alone together is his idea of a nightmare. That's where the real problem is I suspect.

Well I'm glad you are able to get on with your day.
But you both need to have a big discussion about all of this.
You need some family time without any others around.
Please start planning this.
This working madness may be temporary but this could have a real impact on your relationship if you don't start to prioritise yourselves and your family life better.

What’s the betting he hasn’t even mentioned baby sitting to his parents? They’re probably envisioning a family holiday with you ALL going off for trips together and sitting around the table together for dinner. OP, when you talk to your pils, make sure you thank them for coming on holiday to babysit, then see what reaction you get. If they seem shocked or put out at the suggestion, explain that your husband told you that’s why they were coming. They might end up cancelling, themselves.

nothinglikeadame Calling a man a twat for behaving like a twat, is not ‘man hating’, FFS! If you call a dog a twat, does that mean you’re dog hating, or someone who is a different ethnicity behaves like a twat and you call them one, then you’re ‘insert ethnicity’ hating. Catch yourself on.

I haven't rtft yet so apologies if this has been said. Is it somewhere like Center Parcs whereby their financial contribution might have helped make it possible?
I would have reacted like you but at least it sounds like you get on with them. Not quite sure where you go from here. Him leaving sound ludicrous. Is this an ongoing battle? I know it was for us at times when the dcs were young.

3. Him blowing up and overreacting over her expressing a completely valid opinion

They both completely overreacted because they’re under stress. The OP was at the point of tears when he told her. I don’t think the overreaction is entirely one sided.

4. Him running away and leaving her upset over something they should have sat down and talked about

Both of them were stressed and upset and neither was probably in the right headspace for a constructive conversation. ‘Running away’ is not always a bad thing, if both were tired, stressed and at the end of their tether it may well have led to a destructive and pointless argument which resolved nothing, upset them both and possibly their children too. Sometimes removing yourself to cool off is a sensible decision.

5. His parents being willing to take him in for the night and not tell him to sort it out

They can’t physically force him to go back. As you say yourself there are probably lot of other underlying issues - but in both sides, and we’re only hearing one. If a lot of festering resentment on both sides has spectacularly boiled over, his parents might well think letting both him and the OP cool down is a good thing.

7. The op feeling she’s done something wrong and wanting to make it up - when actually it’s all been him

I don’t think either of them have done anything wrong. They’re both stressed and at the end of their tethers. If he’s to blame for overreacting, then the OP is also to blame because she overreacted too.

But I really don’t think blame is the right reaction to either of them. They both need to work out how to reduce their stress levels and communication their frustration effectively rather than suppressing it until it boils over inappropriately.

A lot of the advice being given on here is the usual shitty MN advice ‘you’re perfect and he’s a complete bastard’ which is always trotted out no matter how wildly inappropriate or destructive it is.

*But the main problem is that it is clear he doesn't want to be alone with you and the children for eight days. I expect he prefers work to looking after such young children.

Your dream holiday of just the family isolated alone together is his idea of a nightmare. That's where the real problem is I suspect.*

This. If he had wanted time alone with you then he'd have booked a surprise weekend away for the two of you with the kids left at PILs.

PERF is spot on, too, bet you London to a brick he didn't tell the PILs they are coming to babysit so do exactly as she suggests, ring them and put it like that.

I wouldn’t want to go away with children that age without a set of grandparents.

Seriously? Grow up. I know a couple like this and they can barely make a sandwich in their own house without a grandparent there to watch the kids.

In theory having DPs or PIL on holidays with your is great. But as someone who has been on probably 8 breaks with my in laws the loss of general privacy (we never got a full evening just us on the lodge ever) out weighed the odd hour or two we would get alone to go to the pub or a walk or just to the shops without children. And actually what happened as our DC got older they stopped even giving us that time as they could easily come with us for those things.

They were no help at bed time, they would go off for a walk or a meal together while we wrestled two babies/toddlers/young children to bed would come home not long after they had settled so that we got no time really just the two of us to talk, relax etc.

Your DH op is completely in the wrong to spring this on you like this and when it's too late really to do anything about it.

Seriously? Grow up. I know a couple like this and they can barely make a sandwich in their own house without a grandparent there to watch the kids.

Lol. I am a grown up thanks, we live in a different country from any of our family so we have luckily cracked making a sandwich in our own house without assistance. We have also holidayed with our children alone (numerous times) and it was fun, but bloody hard work. We have also holidayed with grandparents and that felt like more of a holiday. I don’t think it makes you some kind of adolescent to see the benefits of assistance with childcare on holiday. If I had a choice, I would pick with the grandparents and know many fully functioning adults who also take them with them.

Why oh why Pinkprincess1978 did you put up with all those holidays together? One should have been enough.

I think this is the hardest stage of marriage looking back, two small children, the stress of working, having children get every ailment going, sleepless nights, lack of fun in a relationship.. Perhaps he thought it would give you both a break if GPs picked up some of the slack on a break. He was obviously wrong.

He totally over reacted and fucking off to his parents is just ridiculous.

But it sounds like it’s partly driven by high stress all round.

You say the 6 day weeks are until September. Your kids are not school age which makes holidays flexible. So why do you say you now can’t go away again for 2-3 years? I don’t understand that at all.

In a stress free environment, it could have gone:

• I’ve invited PIL
• noooooo! They’re lovely but I wanted just us
• oooops, I fucked that up - sorry
• it’s OK, I can see why you thought it’d be good
• how about we do just us for a week in a cottage*, in October?
• yes!

*doesnt even have to cost anything, like a cottage. Take holiday and stay home. You’re both not managing work properly if it’s going to be 2-3 years before you can take a break together again.

@PositivelyPERF I'll be honest because of cost. They paid for half the cost of the lodge each time. There was no way we could of afforded to go away without them. And most times the cost of a three bed wasn't much more than a 2 bed so we really did save money by them coming. But likewise a holiday for them cost more in the last few years as we went in school holiday. They could have easily gone away for much less (and did, they usually had two holidays abroad most years too) but they loved coming with us.

Which is why for the last couple of years we haven't had a full week away. We have done weekends and camping etc instead 😂

It kind of became a habit after they paid the first time to celebrate fil retiring, we lived it and went back next year and did they want to come? Before I knew it we were going every year and so were they!

It's just simply not ok for one person in a couple to make a decision like that without discussion with the other one.

this with fucking bells on what a twat!!

And double twat for the Mantrum when you didn't immediately throw yourself at his feet in eternal gratitude.

"D"H if you're reading this, grow the fuck up.

We didn't have a family holiday without gps from either side til ds1 was 5 and it was the best holiday ever! My dh kept inviting mine and his dps. I totally regret the time I didn't get to enjoy just as a family. Perhaps the dh didn't think it through but there's no excuse for storming out.

justasking11
I think this is the hardest stage of marriage looking back, two small children, the stress of working, having children get every ailment going, sleepless nights, lack of fun in a relationship.. Perhaps he thought it would give you both a break if GPs picked up some of the slack on a break. He was obviously wrong.

This rings very true with me. DH and I were shift workers and used to hand over DC in the carpark at work between days and nights when they were small. We soon realised that wasn't any kind of family life.

We also used to go away with MIL and it honestly helped to have a third adult / pair of eyes / hands. However we all discussed this in advance and I was happy with it.

Unfortunately this poor poster's DH didn't consider her feelings at all and thought he'd been a clever Trevor.

I do agree with posters that her DH is being very immature. However now I’m older I realize the wisdom of not just adding to the drama by being so angry you don’t forgive him OP. Be the one to rein this in, be calm. You are both stressed and just minimize this behaviour of his by focusing on what you want.

You’ll be amazed how much quicker you can sort this out if you show you him that you realize he was trying to do good. Empathise with him, but show him how to behave more maturely by not losing it yourself.

I hope he's prepared to talk to you this evening.

All those people assuming he thought he was doing something lovely for the OP, it wasn’t her parents he invited, was it? And, btw, if her PIL were that lovely they would have been on the phone to her when he arrived to check she was alright.

This was a selfish act wrapped up in a fake gesture of generosity. He wants a holiday without having to lift a finger, and some couple time.

He’s left you with the guys to run off in a huff??

What a plonker.

It's just simply not ok for one person in a couple to make a decision like that without discussion with the other one.

this with fucking bells on what a twat!!

And double twat for the Mantrum when you didn't immediately throw yourself at his feet in eternal gratitude.

"D"H if you're reading this, grow the fuck up.

^ yes, yes, yes

Sorry it's been a loooooong day, on the way home now. We haven't spoken at all today, I won't be home until 11 and I imagine everyone will be asleep! I'm working tomorrow leaving early doors and home about 6ish so I guess we will speak then!