AIBU regarding PE teacher, DD and her period?

[Tink2007]

My DD is nearly 13. She’s been having periods for 8/9 months. She came on yesterday. She said it was quite heavy and she didn’t feel comfortable doing PE today as she was worried about leaks and it being so heavy just left her feeling uncomfortable.

She’s never missed a PE lesson, she has done PE whilst on her period but it has always coincided with the end so has always been lighter. I said it was fine and I would jot a note in her student diary (as required) especially seeing as it was the first time she has come to me and said “‘Mum, I don’t feel comfortable with this today.”

So imagine my surprise when she came home from school and told me how PE went today. Her actual PE teacher was fine with her not doing PE but said the final decision was with the head of PE.

Now given she didn’t have her PE kit, she had a note and expressed her discomfort with doing PE I wa surprised that the head of PE tried all manner of ways to make her do PE, telling her a period couldn’t be “that bad”, she wouldn’t accept it as a reason again. Then said if she had a spare PE kit she would have made her do it, asked the other PE teacher to make her do it in her school uniform (which the other teacher refused to do) and pulled her by the arm to a standing position to bat a shuttlecock back and forth towards the end of the lesson. She simply couldn’t accept she wasn’t doing it this lesson.

AIBU reasonable for being annoyed? In an age where we are supposed to be empowering young women to have their voices heard, be confident in what they feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and voicing that but yet this teacher seems happy to ignore it and physically pull my DD to her feet.

I should add I do know the teacher in question - she was my PE teacher 22 years ago and it does sound just like her to be honest.

Eminado

Yes I have a daughter. Why?

Yanbu. In a country where so few exercise, P.E lessons at school should encourage children to love taking part & as your dd has never missed a lesson before, this approach could have the opposite effect on her. I remember shared showers, horrible p.e teachers & freezing cross country runs. Hardly inspiring!

I have terrible periods and have since I was 9 so I really get the issues.
However, the issues don't really matter in my opinion. You as the parent said no. That's it. No. A teacher (Not doctor!) that spends limited time with your child does not know them better than you and does not get to override your decision.

Weetabixandshreddies
It was a bit of a thing at my school. I was out of PE with an injury. Very happy to avoid playing hockey (because I was allowed to sit indoors in the gym reading my book), but less happy about missing trampolining. Depending on the activity, the number of girls who'd develop girl problems would fluctuate. It was an open secret.

Some people take the piss and use It as an excuse. It has ever been thus.

As i said up thread, most of the time it's obvious who claims they're on every 8 days but only over PE (but well enough to do dance and youth theatre) mum always backs them with one note after another and someone who it's a one off / someone who doesn't take the piss.

I used to claim a verruca Weetabixandshreddies why do you give a shit?

People are fucking weird on here. Like we're all going to hell in a handbasket because we didn't want to do netball in January and shower naked.

It was an open secret

Ooh Miss. Oh please

Doesn’t matter what you think about it maisypops; save it for your Who’s The Most Difficult Parent? gossiping in the staff room. It’s not your decision to make if there’s notification from the parent.

Well, in general I don't give a shit. But the OP asked a question so, you know, I thought she wanted responses. Otherwise, why bother asking?

Weetabix., thanks for answering me. I'm really sorry you have that. I still disagree strongly with your approach, and I'd be interested to know, as someone who also has bowel damage: whether your really tough approach has ever led to negative or embarrassing consequences, such as soiling yourself at your desk while waiting for permission? What would you do if you reach a point where you really do need a lot more sick leave than other people? This isn't always preventable with willpower - not if you find you need one operation, then another, then another.
Also, forgive me for saying this, but I have sometimes noticed that people who go through these types of health conditions and remain undiagnosed for lengthy periods at too young an age and just have to cope, do sometimes end up becoming excessively tough to the point of sometimes seeming callous when faced with the very genuine problems of others. I recognise it sometimes in myself and it's something to guard against. Do you think it is right to hold to a position that could lead to some adolescent girls undergoing an experience that is physically and mentally damaging, just because you feel you can cope yourself?
My own experience is that one does cope, until suddenly, one can't.

By 'naive' I meant that it's all very well to say that the girls' parents should be solving the problem by fighting for medical help , but when it takes an average of 6 or 8 doctors before finding the one that takes the problem seriously, medical help may not be forthcoming. Inevitably the girls who are disadvantaged most are those whose parents are least in a position to put forward a coherent and well-argued case that they should be referred on to specialist care, and to know which tertiary centre locally has a specialist clinic.

A one off missed lesson is totally fine IMO. I'd be having words. I had a couple of friends at 6th form whose periods were horrifically heavy. No one forced them to do PE. And rules were changed so visits to the loo without asking permission were ok after a teacher quizzed one friend re her regular loo visits & was mortified that friend was worried she'd leak on a chair. Both girls later turned out to have endometriosis when Dr was finally resorted to some years later.

Sorry, I don't understand? It was the girls asking for specific coaches to be brought in to teach specific lessons that they chose. What were they being made to sacrifice?

The school had no money - teachers were buying their own printer paper, staff were made redundant. I don't think being unable to pay for a zumba teacher was any great misogynistic display by the school.

As far as I'm aware from conversations in "real life", comments on this thread, and certainly my own time at school, the issues of disengagement with PE lessons and absenteeism is largely something that affects the girls. That would indicate to me that PE lessons are catering for the boys, but not the girls. The boys aren't having to ask for outside coaches to come in at an additional cost, because their needs are being met by the existing curriculum. So there's money to fund the sports that the boys are interested in, because that's all standard curriculum stuff, but what the girls have been asking for can't be funded.

I refuse to believe that anyone who has experienced very heavy and painful periods would be saying she should do PE. Everyone’s experience is individual, as a teenager my periods where so bad I would almost pass out through blood loss and pain and I had both an unsympathetic doctor and step mum. I think if you have been there you can empathise and if you haven’t it’s hard to imagine how much a heavy blood loss can be.
If it were my daughter I would be going in and having a heart to heart with the head of PE.

Nikeratos

Do I think I am callous - I don't know, I guess that's for other people to judge. I do know that had I not pushed myself and given in to this illness that I would be far worse off than I am. Interestingly, if you do pain management courses they are all for encouraging more of a "can do" attitude rather than giving in.

If I need more sick time I have no idea what I will do - I have had surgeries and time off sick but I try to manage it as best I can - I take responsibility for trying to keep healthy, I exercise as best I can and I only take time off if I really am too ill to get out of bed. Not just because I just don't feel very well (because I never feel well). I am very reluctant to take sick days because I might need them even more next week or next month and so I push through as best I can. If I know that I need time off for surgery or something I take holiday if I can to minimize sick time and I do fear needing more and more time off that eventually I lose my job - I don't know what I would do if that happens.
With regards accidents - it has come close!!! Medication helps as does elemental diets (though it tastes like fizzy sick! But it reduces the bowel symptoms so I put up with it)

Do I think it's right to push young girls - I think there is a tipping point. I don't think it's right to give in and not at least encourage them to try but I'm not advocating forcing them too if they genuinely are too ill. My approach is to always try, even if I feel ill. If I just stopped trying because it's difficult my life really would just become these 4 walls.

I know myself and having people pander to me doesn't help. I'm better with being chivvied along a bit and the expectation that I'll cope rather than sympathy and constant "how are you" " how are you feeling"? Can't stand the fuss tbh.

Fit enough for school/work fit enough for PE

Is a load of bollocks. I am an iron addict and like my outdoor cardio too but if I have a cold I'll be able to work but I'm sure as hell not gymming it if I'm not well enough.
The only time my periods were regular was after the birth of my first child. Even now the first day can be quite sucky and if it coincides with a normal gym day I might just give it a miss.

And there's me thinking that PE teachers would be expected to have a basic grasps of anatomy and physiology...

To say if you attend school you can do PE is stupid.
I was at a&e last night because of heavy bleeding, and had to take my lo with me (11months) I still look after him even though I was struggling because I had no choice.
You can sit behind a desk bleeding with cramps but not be able to jump up and down.

So there's money to fund the sports that the boys are interested in, because that's all standard curriculum stuff, but what the girls have been asking for can't be funded.

But presumably that's because boys do traditional sports - football, rugby, cricket - which the teachers are trained to teach. Zumba for example is relatively new isn't it so maybe in a few years newly trained PE teachers will be qualified to teach it? I don't really know the answer. Why are girls taught hockey and netball? Where did that come from? Is there an equivalent of say football for girls? Boys play it from infant school upwards don't they just for fun. Is there an equivalent for girls (I know they can play football but I mean is there a sport as universally appealing to girls?)

Our pe teachers in the dark ages were a bunch of sadists so I'm dismayed to see it's no better now.

I can make it through a gym class with a seriously heavy and clotty flow. In fact, I did - last night. But only because I had access to a loo and could go empty my cup whenever I needed to (twice).
But you know what, some months I just skip my class (which I love) because I hate the discomfort, and potential for embarrassment. I hate the feeling of my cup leaking out on to a pad when I’m bouncing around. I barely make it through an hour at work without needing to sort myself out. So - my point being, I have a choice - I can choose to go, or I can choose to sit out, given my personal circumstances and how I’m feeling on my heaviest day, and I think it’s only right that these young girls should have the same choice over their own bodies, and the same options.

Isn't that the case with lots of things though? As adults we can make many more choices than we could as children. As an adult I don't have to do homework every night for example. PE is compulsory at school so I suppose schools do need to be a bit stricter, rather than if it were a leisure activity.

I was lucky in a way.I had very heavy periods,cramp, diahorea, fainting but mostly on the first day and bleeding less after that.So I never had to do PE on day one as I would already have fainted somewhere.
I did do 2 GCSE s in the sick room though ,the first one I said I needed to go to the toilet as I felt sick,request denied by a teacher who didn't know me and I vomited over my exam paper.
I think as regards leaks and my now 15 year had this then finding a solution to contain this for your daughter is needed,not just for PE but because the flooding when you stand is distressing too.

I don't think your were B U as it's her first missed PE lesson and she obviously would want to participate if she felt comfortable doing so.
However in future I think it would be helpful for her if you showed her ways to make periods more manageable, tampons, period pants (those anti-leak ones I keep seeing advertised, not tried myself though but they sound good!). Belt and braces approach to make her feel more confident about not leaking so she can continue to enjoy sport.
My dd is only 10 so we're not at that stage yet, but she is v sporty and I'm acutely aware that girls in particular tend to lose interest in sport/exercise at secondary school because of periods and becoming self-conscious of their changing bodies. I think it's crucial that we do all we can to support girls and enable them to carry on with all the activities they previously enjoyed.
And, to echo a PP, you do sound like a lovely mum.

I had periods between the ages of 13 and 49. They didn't hurt, lasted barely five days and I never needed more than a regular tampon.

But I believe the friends who've had a different experience.

So why do Weetabixandshreddies and MaisyPops think these girls are pretending?

Teenage girls want to get out of stuff but what does it really matter, especially if you aren't a PE teacher?

The reason I say that is because I had a PE lesson directly before my chemistry lesson and I was always late because my PE teacher used to hold us until the last minute.

My chemistry teacher complained and so did my parents. My chemistry O level was much more important than netball.

Any teacher who doesn't think that is a bit bonkers.

Our pe teachers in the dark ages were a bunch of sadists so I'm dismayed to see it's no better now.
I don't know. I don't think they're able to get away with quite as much as they did back then!

You need to speak to school & stick to your guns about this. It's not acceptable for any teacher to treat a pupil of any sex like this. What would have happened if your daughter had fainted & hit her head as she fell? School would have been doing everything to cover their arse & worm their way out of any blame. At DS school pupils aren't allowed to carry any type of medication in their bags, so if a girl starts her period during the school day she has no access to painkillers, DS suffers from migraine & isn't allowed to take painkillers if he feels one starting as the ones he takes aren't on prescription, he takes over the counter drugs. His only way is to hide them in a secret pocket in his bag & go to the toilet to take them in secret. The other problem is the stupid rules that pupils can't use the toilets during lessons unless they have a letter from a doctor stating that they have a medical need for access. Due to the state of the NHS can you imagine the outcry if every schoolgirl went to the doctors for a letter to access toilets at school? In the workplace the vast majority of women have access to toilets & painkillers if they need them. Girls should be allowed to access toilets & painkillers when required without question if they are going to learn to deal with periods & carry on with their normal day & if a parent feels that their child needs to make adjustments for one lesson then teachers should accept it.