AIBU regarding PE teacher, DD and her period?

[Tink2007]

My DD is nearly 13. She’s been having periods for 8/9 months. She came on yesterday. She said it was quite heavy and she didn’t feel comfortable doing PE today as she was worried about leaks and it being so heavy just left her feeling uncomfortable.

She’s never missed a PE lesson, she has done PE whilst on her period but it has always coincided with the end so has always been lighter. I said it was fine and I would jot a note in her student diary (as required) especially seeing as it was the first time she has come to me and said “‘Mum, I don’t feel comfortable with this today.”

So imagine my surprise when she came home from school and told me how PE went today. Her actual PE teacher was fine with her not doing PE but said the final decision was with the head of PE.

Now given she didn’t have her PE kit, she had a note and expressed her discomfort with doing PE I wa surprised that the head of PE tried all manner of ways to make her do PE, telling her a period couldn’t be “that bad”, she wouldn’t accept it as a reason again. Then said if she had a spare PE kit she would have made her do it, asked the other PE teacher to make her do it in her school uniform (which the other teacher refused to do) and pulled her by the arm to a standing position to bat a shuttlecock back and forth towards the end of the lesson. She simply couldn’t accept she wasn’t doing it this lesson.

AIBU reasonable for being annoyed? In an age where we are supposed to be empowering young women to have their voices heard, be confident in what they feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and voicing that but yet this teacher seems happy to ignore it and physically pull my DD to her feet.

I should add I do know the teacher in question - she was my PE teacher 22 years ago and it does sound just like her to be honest.

So why do Weetabixandshreddies and MaisyPops think these girls are pretending?

I don't think that all girls are pretending. I do think that allowing girls to opt out whenever they want to by blaming their period will cause a lot of girls to avoid doing PE.

We all know as well those people who have a migraine when they have a headache or flu when they have a cold. Sure, some people do have very heavy or painful periods but others will exaggerate their symptoms when they realise it's a useful ploy to avoid doing something that they don't like.

Personally, I don't think that's a brilliant message to send kids. Often we don't feel 100% but we do still have to get up and carry on.

Lots of other things children experience that are difficult we encourage them to keep going, to persevere, to give it a go. Why don't we take the same attitude about dealing with periods?

Maybe it would be better for PE teachers to allow girls to do part of the class or to do as much as they felt able to? Perhaps if the girls had more control and knew they could stop if they wanted to then they would give it a go and possibly surprise themselves that it helped them feel a bit better.

I remember years ago when we were growing up up, my DSis broke her coccyx at the age of 12, and severely dislocated it. She was eventually signed off school for 16 months, but preceding this she was simply signed off PE. But instead of being allowed to actually miss it, she was made to stay outside with the other children and run around collecting the ball for them.

I would like to think things are better now, and maybe they are, but the attitude persists clearly that if a child is in school they're well enough to do PE, which patently doesn't follow.

Encouraging them to do as much as they can sounds a good idea.
I find there is an enormous difference between people on how much they push themselves to do things when they don't feel 100%. But of course some people never feel 100% because of a chronic illness.

TBH the "tough love" approach has been tried for literally generations and the result is that adult women are 36% more likely than men to be physically inactive.

If something has never worked before, maybe after a few decades of it not fucking working we could try, oh I dunno, treating teen girls like they might know how their bodies are feeling and encouraging them to take responsibility by making fucking decisions about what happens to their bodies instead of telling them they must be wrong/lying/weak?

It's not fair to compare her to an adult in this situation, as they did. She's 13! I shudder at the memory of how heavy and painful and unpredictable my periods were when I was that young compared to how they are now (except I'm pregnant now so no periods for me for ages yay!). And then of course there is the horrible embarrassment of stains and drips, which is likely to happen when you're running around in PE and so especially difficult for a school child. The bullying would be horrendous if anyone else saw it.

I think if she'd just turned up and said I'm not doing it because of my period then that wouldn't have been good enough, but the fact that you've written her a note is enough. If they had a problem at that point they should have taken it up with you over the phone or at a parent's evening.

I'm not a big complainer because I think it can send kids the wrong message, but in this instance I think you'd be within your rights to mention something to the school about the head of PE's behaviour to make sure this doesn't happen again.

cucumber There is very good research that outlines why teenage girls are less active than boys. There are a range of factors including communal changing, not wanting to appear red and sweaty, and being self conscious about their bodies. The research also recommends ways to increase the amount of girls taking part.

OP I think YABU to write her a note excusing her. I understand it was her first heavy one but I would have sent her with kit and a note asking that if she is too uncomfortable during PE she was excused at that point but not initially sitting out.

However . . And I say this as an Assistant Headteacher you must complain to the safeguarding lead at school regarding the teacher (especially as it was not her class teacher if I have correctly understood) physically pulling her up. This is completely unacceptable on many levels and needs highlighted to the school. Unless a student is at risk of physical harm or harming another there is no need for physics contact. This is evasive and you have every right to be annoyed. I would email the school - head of year perhaps detailing in a factual non emotive way what happened and cc in head teacher and board of governors. Ask for a meeting and response in certain time frame.

I am a bit mmm about the amount of comments about drips. I have very heavy periods and play sports. You can avoid any dripping. Yes a 13 year old may need advice about how to do this. But there is no need for that to happen.

I'd be fucking livid.

Having lived with endo and dysmenorrhoea my periods are 'that bad'.

I was forced to do PE. Made to ran 2 laps and I collapsed and blood leaked everywhere.

Mind you, didn't have to do it after that.

Can we just believe women when they say they have terrible periods? And not base it on your own light piss easy ones

Just remembering my school days - I hated PE because my teacher was very unpleasant. At the very start of year 8 my father was in intensive care and my whole family was up in the arms, and of course the purchase of a PE kit for me went out the window. I still went into school, my own choice, because I wanted to feel normal and my mum had her hands full already. My mum wrote me note saying that it wasn't possible for me to purchase a PE kit just yet and could the teacher please speak to my form tutor for updates on what is happening. My PE teacher didn't accept this, couldn't be arsed speaking to my form tutor and shouted at me in front of everyone, demanding to know why my mum hadn't bothered to buy me a PE kit ready for the first day back. I burst into tears and was forced to say in front of the whole class that my dad was dying and we were spending all our time at the intensive care unit because he only had a few days left, and my mum wasn't in her right frame of mind. The teacher was horribly embarrassed but didn't apologise and was a really arsey b*tch with me for the rest of the lesson.

I never went to PE again after that. The school was disorganised and badly run so never even noticed that I wasn't there. I just went to the park with my other friend who hated the PE teacher. Did that every PE lesson for 4 years.

I know that was wrong of me and I should have sucked it up and gone to PE like a big girl. But I didn't feel like it and the school were shit enough not to notice so I didn't bother. I guess my point is that at least your daughter is responsible enough to let you know about things and discuss it with you! I never told my mum about what happened with the PE teacher because I didn't think it was a good time to pile on more stress, and then the moment had passed.

I really HATED my PE teacher lol... I think I still have an unfair vendetta against them all now lol...

YANBU. I can't go to the gym when I am on my period. I have an extremely heavy flow and flood right up until the last days of my period. It is hell. No way would I be doing P.E.

I used to pass out when I had my period. (I was sporty, on the hockey team).
On every thread about periods there's always a slew of self appointed experts who believe that just because their periods are manageable, it means every else must have periods that are exactly the same.

She sounds like PE teachers at dd's old school. Thanks to them, dd will never do sport again (well, maybe in 20 years....).

I'd complain loudly about her attitude. A lot of young girls have very heavy, painful periods which ease when they are older. I used to faint during mine when I was 15-19, but once in my twenties I barely noticed them. IME, the girls who were sports mad were the ones who never let their periods stop them doing PE, but was an all-girls school so no boys around to take the mick when leaking ocurred (which it did) or to try to see the bulge in your knickers.

YANBU!

Jeez some women must shed fairy dust once a month to be able to say that you are being unreasonable on this.

You must speak to the school about your daughter being pulled up by the arm - that is just unacceptable.

Any teacher worth their salt will have sussed out the p takers by this point in the school year & so therefore your daughter's PE teacher should have known she wasn't pulling a fast one.

Where is the compassion? Why are some people's attitudes we should just struggle on through goddam awful periods just because 'it's a natural function'?

I speak as a primary teacher who has had horrific periods ever since being sterilised, I sometimes can't stand up straight at the front of the class for fear of what might happen.

Even before then, I've worked with Y5 and Y6 girls, wouldn't dream of making them do PE if they told me they were struggling with their period or if a parent had written a note. But then again I've also been a petrified 10 year old who came on during a dance lesson whilst wearing only a leotard and had to perform a dance in front of everyone with blood trickling down both legs & seeing it in the reflection of dance studio mirrors, then having the dance teacher call me over to speak to me about it. So maybe having that experience myself has made me more empathetic towards these situations.

It's all about empathy and compassion. 2 qualities some people, including teachers, seem to lack.

I hate stuff like this. Females deserve and need the right to say no to physical activity when on their periods if necessary - require a medical certificate if you must, but periods can and should be a valid reason to sit out.

My flow isn't the heaviest but the pain and inflammation has at times been fricken unbearable, and made much worse by physical activity. I've been investigated for endo (80% sure I don't have it though I do have the symptoms) and I got through high school & work by taking heavy-duty dr prescribed pain medication and yes, sitting out PE on occasion. Most of the women on my side of the family have this issue so I'm prepared for it to be a problem for my daughter as well. I will do battle for her if necessary, and if teachers require her to participate regardless then she can stay home and watch movies all day instead. I'd prefer her to be in school participating in what she can, but if it's an issue for the school then I will happily excuse her for the 2-3 days each month as needed.

There's no need for such draconian approaches to women's health, but given the misogyny on display in the medical system is it really such a surprise? Periods aren't an excuse, your pain doesn't count, you're not having a heart attack cos it looks different to male heart attacks, take the damn mesh and quit complaining. Why on earth do we put up with this crap?

YANBU OP.

This shit is the just the start of minimising women’s health experiences.

Then comes:
Pregnancy isn’t an illness, you know
Endometriosis treated like period pain
Pressure to spring back 6 weeks post partum
Birth injuries? Should have done your pelvic floors...

But thanks for making me aware that this shit continues. I’m making a mental note to remember that if my daughter ever needs a similar letter I’ll write the following:

Dear teacher,

X will not be participating in P.E. today. We have discussed this matter at home and agreed this. We have also agreed that DD need not, and will not, discuss her reasons for non-participation at school. Thank you for respecting DD’s privacy on this occasion. If any further discussion is required, contact me directly on:

As pp have said - we experience mestruation differently, or not at all in men's cases, those of us who suffer extreme pain or heavy bleeding often can't manage activities during the worst periods of our cycle (pun intended!). I've finally had a hysterectomy following years of chronic pain that gradually worsened. I didn't have major surgery because I was overreacting or causing a fuss, it was impacting my life negatively and had done since they began. Op well done for supporting your dd and listening to her - nothing worse than having things minimised by folk who don't understand when it's your body and ylur experience.

needanappp

As a teen on my heaviest of days I would be changing a tampon and a pad every hour and I still leaked.

I certainly could not have done PE.

Pretty much the only purpose of PE as far as I am concerned is to try to prepare kids for lifetime fitness. If kids are skiving off, some questions need to be asked about the way it is being done and why kids are avoiding something that should be fun and enjoyable.

God I hated PE at school. It was shit and me and my friends couldn't wait to drop it. I fake-period-ed about every other week (or just bunked off altogether).

Can we just believe women when they say they have terrible periods? And not base it on your own light piss easy ones

Some people, won't or can't believe that anyone's experience can be any different to their own, not just about periods either, it's childbirth, migraines etc. It's a flaw in their character to not be able to show empathy or at least just accept that everyone is different.

I've even had female doctors minimise my period issues after being diagnosed with endometriosis, adenomyosis and being investigated again for cysts/fibroids. Apparently the best thing to do was to 'power on through'. I had a lovely male locum who was very sympathetic and offered real help. I think some women can be other women's worst enemy on things like this.

Periods are something that women have to deal with and while I don't need 'special treatment' I do think that reasonable adjustments should be made to help young girls at school and women at work who are having problems.

We need to believe that 12 year old girls are telling the truth and know their own bodies.

If a girl doesn't feel well enough to take part in PE, that doesn't mean that she should miss out on other learning that she can do.

Pretty much the only purpose of PE as far as I am concerned is to try to prepare kids for lifetime fitness. If kids are skiving off, some questions need to be asked about the way it is being done and why kids are avoiding something that should be fun and enjoyable.

I agree. Perhaps for another thread, but if so many girls are refusing PE, teachers need to be looking at the reasons why and adjusting the lessons. Bullying girls isn't the answer.

Pretty much the only purpose of PE as far as I am concerned is to try to prepare kids for lifetime fitness

Based on my own school days I'd say that the sole purpose of PE is to humiliate girls and make them feel inadequate.

My very athletic, sporty, muscular 12 year old started secondary school in September looking forward to participating in sport. She now hates most sport and has given up netball and hockey clubs, things she previously enjoyed. She has been injured through being forced to do gymnastics without adequate warming up. If the school want to turn a super sporty 12 year old into a sedentary adult they're certainly going down the right road.

So why do Weetabixandshreddiesand MaisyPops think these girls are pretending?
I've not said all girls are pretending.

I've said that people can make excuses to get out of things they don't like and that means some girls decide they have a period every week to get out of PE (but are well enough to do extra curricular dance, well enough to do youth theatre, well enough to talk about going to cheer).

When I was at school I had an injury causing me to sit out of PE. I was happy when it meant missing hockey outdoors, less happy when it meant missing trampolining. During the few months I missed PE, the number of people sat out with varied based on the activity. People openly spoke about getting out of cross country (lots of sprained ankle notes that week, same for the horrible bleep test). Equally, I know as a student I found some excuses to get out of things I didn't want to do. I know from working with teens that's still the case because teens are human.

As weetabix has said, there are adults who'll play up a headache to a migraine when they want to get out of things (pet hate as someone who suffers from migraines), or cold becomes flu.

In life it's accepted that people can, and do take the piss by exaggerating or using very real issues as a good excuse. Even on normal MN threads that is the case. Get to a MN school thread and suddenly despite the fact that humans have done this for generations and people still do, even suggesting any teenage girl might find an excuse for something is suddenly the worst thing on earth (even if you've already said in the OP's situation it's clear the child should be allowed to sit out because they're obviosuly not the type to tell find to get out)