AIBU regarding PE teacher, DD and her period?

[Tink2007]

My DD is nearly 13. She’s been having periods for 8/9 months. She came on yesterday. She said it was quite heavy and she didn’t feel comfortable doing PE today as she was worried about leaks and it being so heavy just left her feeling uncomfortable.

She’s never missed a PE lesson, she has done PE whilst on her period but it has always coincided with the end so has always been lighter. I said it was fine and I would jot a note in her student diary (as required) especially seeing as it was the first time she has come to me and said “‘Mum, I don’t feel comfortable with this today.”

So imagine my surprise when she came home from school and told me how PE went today. Her actual PE teacher was fine with her not doing PE but said the final decision was with the head of PE.

Now given she didn’t have her PE kit, she had a note and expressed her discomfort with doing PE I wa surprised that the head of PE tried all manner of ways to make her do PE, telling her a period couldn’t be “that bad”, she wouldn’t accept it as a reason again. Then said if she had a spare PE kit she would have made her do it, asked the other PE teacher to make her do it in her school uniform (which the other teacher refused to do) and pulled her by the arm to a standing position to bat a shuttlecock back and forth towards the end of the lesson. She simply couldn’t accept she wasn’t doing it this lesson.

AIBU reasonable for being annoyed? In an age where we are supposed to be empowering young women to have their voices heard, be confident in what they feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and voicing that but yet this teacher seems happy to ignore it and physically pull my DD to her feet.

I should add I do know the teacher in question - she was my PE teacher 22 years ago and it does sound just like her to be honest.

Weetabix then we need to be questioning why so many girls would want to avoid PE.

Well, some studies link it to embarrassment about their bodies, not wanting to run around and get sweaty, lack of showers etc. I guess some people just hate PE (I was one of them. I hated hockey and netball, which was all we did. As an adult I love pilates, yoga, swimming but they weren't available at school so I just had to put up with it)

Nikeratos

Thank you for your post, and hear, hear. We've suspected DD has endometriosis, and luckily her Dr was willing to listen. She's now 18 and has had a Jaydess coil for about 6 months. It's not been perfect, but it has certainly reduced the severity in both bleeding and pain. Enough that she doesn't lose a few days every month.

Terrifically gung-ho Malory Towers-type teachers drove me away from sport as a teenager.

Are they for real on here or just making it up for effect? I sometimes read the posts and wonder.

I resumed exercise in later life for my own fitness and because I like the way it makes my body look.

But if someone chivvied me along, as Enid Blyton would say, I'd tell her to get fucked.

How q, is another Blyton saying

I didn't say that students don't make up excuses to avoid PE. I am not pretending that this never happens. I didn't say anything like that in either of my posts. So I am not sure why you directed that post to me?

I didn't say that students don't make up excuses to avoid PE.
How is it to be managed then? How do teachers differentiate between those swinging the lead and those who are genuine?

The problem with that is girls who suffer from heavy difficult periods don't usually do so as a one off, it's often an ongoing problem. There's a good chance that the girls regularly needing to sit PE out are the ones suffering the most.

Well yes, then add into that the girls that are actually terrified of PE because they lack confidence and are targeted during PE because they're no good at it or not that coordinated and who probably would use their period as an excuse not to have to do it, and you might find those girls make up a significant portion of the so called lazy skivers that need to be brought to heel.

I hated PE, like a lot of my peers. Having to get changed under the scrutiny of the adults, at a time when your body is changing, having to brave the showers under the same scrutiny. that is, when they actually worked. We'd frequently have to do PE and not be able to get clean afterwards, which I hated.

I hated the embarrassment of not being picked for a team because you weren't popular (as you weren't good at running). I'd only get picked at an early stage if it were hockey (I was a damn good defender and could hit the ball hard) or for javelin, shot putt or discus. I hated most of the competitive sports, and I wonder if that's something that needs changing in schools.

A lot of girls are being put off exercise, by how it's done in schools.

Yes that was my experience as a teen Carol. Horrendous periods combined with being crap at sports and the fact that for some strange reason the teachers decided it would be a good idea to do mixed sex PE for most of Year 11 which tended to involve boys loudly commenting on your breasts while you had to run around. I refused to do anymore PE after a certain point, I think I had my period every week for the purpose of sick notes. Not because I was lazy but because the school and it's staff were incapable of making the lesson a safe or comfortable environment for girls. I can't imagine it's got any better in the last 20 years going by some of the threads I read on here.

Weetabix exactly, so straight away 3 things that could easily be done. 1) PE kits that don't require young girls to expose more of themselves than they want to. 2) Access to showers after a PE lesson. 3) Spirts and activities that appeal to a broader range of interests.

There are many, many ways to manage this problem that don't involve making girls with painful or extremely heavy periods do things they don't feel able or comfortable to do.

You sound like a lovely mum op. YANBU.

@Weetabixandshreddies

I should think a good PE teacher should be able to differentiate between children with genuine reasons for missing PE and skivers. From what the OP has said, her DD normally enjoys PE and this is the first time she's asked to sit out PE. And her mum had written a note. So it's not that difficult to work out in this particular case.

Bleurgh0
That's really rubbish. You're right about people knowing who shirks regularly and makes up excuses vs those who don't. Sort of boy who cried wolf really.

Lizzie48
I agree.

Weetabixandshreddies

Do you have a daughter?

How is it to be managed then? How do teachers differentiate between those swinging the lead and those who are genuine?

It's like anything in life, you have to just let it go and accept that some will get out of doing it by lying so that the ones who genuinely need to be excused, are. It will only be a small amount of girls anyway.

CoastalLife

Many schools have changed their PE kits - certainly the 2 my daughter went to had a choice of leggings, tracksuits or black football shorts.

Showers are an issue because of lack of money and also being difficult to timetable long enough PE lessons (a standard 1 hour lesson doesn't give enough time to change at the beginning, then shower and change at the end).

My daughter's school looked at introducing different activities but again lack of money needed to buy in appropriately trained staff stopped it. They did try to offer zumba (as it was requested by the students) but they asked parents to pay £2 a session for the teacher and not enough parents agreed so that was stopped. Some schools do offer a greater range but they tend to be the better resourced schools, which is a great shame.

YANBU at all.

I regularly ended up in the sick bay at school because I was so unwell with my periods. Most months I ended up vomiting and had to lie down with a hot water bottle while the ibuprofen kicked in!

Luckily we had a lovely school nurse who let us sleep off the worst of it in a cosy bed with a hot water bottle and let us have tea and toast if we wanted it!

I don't understand why some women are so unsupportive of others when it comes to heavy periods. Nor do I understand why school PE lessons are so vitally important that the world will fall apart if they're missed occasionally!

Some people can just get on with things when they have their period. I'm lucky that mine are much lighter these days and mostly manageable with ibuprofen but I remember being a teenager and feeling sick and shaky every month. I remember leaking at school, vomiting and being in so much pain I was regularly sent home. People who can manage daily activities and apparently play in Wimbledon finals with their "crippling periods" should count themselves bloody (ha!) lucky.

It will only be a small amount of girls anyway.

I really don't think it would be. I would imagine that quite a lot would choose not to participate if there were no consequences. This is only going by mine and my friends views and my daughters and her friends - we all hated it but had to do it. If I had the option not to I wouldn't have done, nor would my friends.

YANBU.

If your daughter normally does PE then missing one lesson is not going to impact on her academically going forward, or on her physical fitness. Of course you can do sports when on your period, but if you are really uncomfortable it can be distressing being forced to; especially for no real benefit.

Anyway, I would rather ten girls lied about their periods to get out of PE than have it being mandatory to the extent girls are passing out or leaking in front of their classmates!

Weetabix so it's emblematic of the same old problem then really: women and girls are the ones who have to sacrifice. Yet another message, loud and clear, telling girls that they are less important.

Nor do I understand why school PE lessons are so vitally important that the world will fall apart if they're missed occasionally!

Well clearly this forced PE regime just isn't working as so many women hate it and it influences how they view exercise for the rest of their lives. How many posts have we seen on here where women are put off PE and then only come back to exercise later in life when the hell of forced, uncomfortable, humiliating PE has faded.

Weetabixandshreddies

Obviously if it was every week, then a phone call or letter home would be appropriate but for one every few weeks, if some lie, who cares. My nieces school are really understanding and let the girls sit out if necessary but still it's only a few that sit out.

We weren't allowed to use periods as an excuse, so I got a reputation for being difficult- I used to refuse to join in. Better than leaking. Now if somebody had bothered to put 2+2 together they may have realised it was just once a month, but alas we had 3 PE teachers depending on the sport, so I just got a lot of detentions- again, preferable to leaking while jumping on a trampoline or doing basketball.

Yanbu OP

When I was 13 My periods were very heavy and i was unable to wear tampons due to the fear of somthing being inside, so I had to make do with towels. PE could sometimes be awful as it was white shorts and I didn't want to leak. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable, so yes I did miss a couple of lessons.

But you will always get some people that say they managed to mountain climb, win Wimbledon and run a marathon whilst on their period when this subject comes up.

Bottom line, everyone is different and everyone has different abilities and experiences, no time of the month is the same for every woman.

I hope she's ok

women and girls are the ones who have to sacrifice

Sorry, I don't understand? It was the girls asking for specific coaches to be brought in to teach specific lessons that they chose. What were they being made to sacrifice?

The school had no money - teachers were buying their own printer paper, staff were made redundant. I don't think being unable to pay for a zumba teacher was any great misogynistic display by the school.