To begrudge paying for a replacement screen?

[CollyWombles]

Just befofe christmas the mother of my DS friend asked me if I could look after her son overnight as she had to work and had been let down by the father. I agreed though I have 4dc who were hard work with Christmas being so close, but felt sorry for her.

Anyways we had the boy over night and the next day I was working so my husband (kids stepfather) was watching the kids. My DS1 and his friend are both 10, my DS2 is 9 and ASN.

I got a phone call from DH just before I finished work to tell me DS2 had thrown the friends bag onto the floor and the screen had broken on the tablet inside. DH had sent DS2 to his room. I know my DS2 and knew there would be a reason but DH hadn't bothered getting the story, just sent DS2 to his room.

When I got home and spoke to DS2, it turned out that DS1 and the friend had been pretending DS2 didn't exist and winding DS2 up until he went into meltdown and threw the bag. Now DS1 knows exactly how to get DS2 to go into meltdown and I suspect him and his friend planned to do it together so DS2 would be sent to his room and they could take over playing on the xbox.

DH had already told the mother we would replace the screen, which happens to be an ipad air and I simply can't afford to at the moment. I feel my DS1 and her son are both to blame for DS2 meltdown and we were doing her a favour looking after the boy so close to the Christmas and also her son was taking part in winding up my ASN son to the point of meltdown. Whilst I'm sorry his screen got broken, it was an unfortunate consequence of pushing an ASN child to breaking point.

I would like to offer to pay half as I really begrudge the thought of paying full. AIBU?

Does the other mum know the full story?
Has your son admitted to winding his brother up? Was the other not definitely part of the winding up?
Where was your DH during all of the winding up and throwing?

If it were me I would make your son's take responsibility by going halves, they may have to sell something of their own to make up the money.

If the other boy was definitely involved I would let the mother know that while both your son's were in the wrong and will be selling items to cover the cost, her son was also part of the problem and would she consider following suit and encouraging her son to pay a third also.

YABU.

One of your children broke it. Added to which he was goaded into it by your other child.

Yes I confirmed with DS1 that he and his friend had both been pretending DS2 didn't exist and the more DS2 tried to speak to them, the more they ignored him. My DH was in the kitchen cooking curry and playing music so didn't hear until it reached meltdown level. I should have told DH to keep a close eye on them as DS2 has always struggled socially and gets easily distressed, my DH doesn't really understand autism. Sadly the whole incident has put DS2 back months of progress in socialising.

I would pay for the whole thing & possibly ask the child that broke it too contribute.

The damage happened when your son threw down a bag that didn't belong to him and damage was inevitable. A harsh lesson is learning to watch your temper.

Very unfortunate though.

I haven't told the mother the full story, I have never met her or actually spoke to her in person, just her son, who is a relatively new friend of DS1.

I will pay for it to be replaced because DH already said we would, I will really begrudge it though as money is really tight.

Yes I confirmed with DS1 that he and his friend had both been pretending DS2 didn't exist and the more DS2 tried to speak to them, the more they ignored him

And the friend wouldn't have done this without your son leading the charge.

I follow the rule that if I send a replacement gadget with my child then if it breaks then it's my own responsibility.

As your bloke has already said he'll replace it, tell her under the circumstances you'll agree to pay half but it'll be in installments and maybe knock the babysitting on the head from now on.

You haven't met her and she wanted you to take care of a precious part of her life? yeah no more babysitting. She doesn't sound as if she cares who has him.

Learning to watch your temper is incredibly hard for a lot of autistic children though and my DS2 has done so well over the last year, learning to use a quiet spot in his room when things get too much, coming to talk to an adult. He has issues with males though so I suspect he didn't feel able to find my DH and couldn't understand why DS1 and his friend were acting like he wasn't there. He absolutely should not have thrown the bag I agree.

Either way, one if not both of your ds were involved. If it is insured offer the excess.

I can’t get past the fact that a woman you have never spoken to or met asked you to mind her 10 year old son overnight. Were the arrangements made by the children??

Tell your DH to pay as he so kindly agreed.
YANBU. It is very U that children such age run around with such expensive and easily breakable gadgets.

Yes I also agree DS1 was the ringleader and his friend was unlikely to have behaved like that on his own, his friend seems a nice enough lad. I will suck it up and pay the cost though it will have to wait until the end of the month.

I think your Dh should be paying really. Why on earth wasn't he supervising them better?

Wow .. no way would I leave my child with someone I hadn't met, even for a few hours let alone the night.

I'd pay for it begrudgingly too tbh but then I'm a pushover in real life.. I would be thinking things like was the tablet in a protective case? Or could it have already had a cracked screen?

@CollyWombles I have the same issue with my DC. DC2 is autistic. DC1 sets her off at least once a week, usually when I’m busy with toddler DC3. As far as I’m concerned, if DC2 breaks anything of DC1s after being pushed into meltdown, tough shit hun, bought and paid for.

If it were DC1s friends item broken though... I’d be stuffed. Especially an iPad Air Jesus Christ who buys that for a 10 year old No way could I afford to replace the screen on that. I’d offer to pay half at most.

Regardless of autism or not, there is no excuse for teasing and bullying a child like that and both yours and her DC need to be held accountable for that.

I agree that half is more appropriate - shared responsibility between ds1 and his friend. Winding up an autistic child to the point of meltdown is horrid behaviour and I wouldn’t consider ds2 responsible.

gamerchick exactly. But then I'm not sure why the OP agreed to look after a child she barely knows.

I think I'd (reluctantly) pay for the screen and make sure the boy never comes round again. DS1 would get a bollocking and I'd make it pretty clear that if it ever happened again he wouldn't be having friends round. I'd also be having words with your DP about lack of supervision (or did you organise it without telling him?) DS2 I have no idea about because I have no experience of SN.

No the arrangements weren't made by the kids, she has my mobile number as her son often pops over and she let's me know if he needs to come homeg for dinner etc. I think she was genuinely stuck and panicking about her shift, plus I guess I have a 'good reptation' in my area, my DD's have both been headgirl and school captain etc. I could tell she was really embarrassed to ask and having been a lone parent before, I understood her predicament.

Imo if she sent an expensive item to someone else's home it should be insured.

My son smashed my mums screen I paid all of it, I can't expect her to pay for something my child did

YABU

DS1 did get a telling off, i had a chat with DS2 about his coping mechanisms again and I know DS2 was actually really upset he broke the lads tablet. My DS2 has a tablet too, just the fire 7 but he adores it and he didn't mean to break anything, he just wanted them to acknowledge him. The friend has not been over so much lately and like I say, he usually comes across as a nice lad.

DH, well we had a bit of a row as I am also pregnant, working full time and rather hormonal so I was really quite annoyed that it had happened, that he had sent my DS2 to his room without first establishing what had happened and agreed to pay for the screen before talking to me. DH was only at the end of the hall in the kitchen however and doesn't really understand autism. I guess he didn't think he would need to closely supervise a 9 and two 10 year olds. He knows different now. He also knew about the arrangement as I spoke to him first.

You need to be making your ds1 contribute somehow too. No extra treats for a long time, dock pocket money, cancel a trip or something to pay for it. We have very similar problems with our eldest winding up his HFA younger sibling and we are starting to come down on it like a tonne of bricks.

Cross post too. Is your dh not the childrens' dad? He needs to get on board with the diagnosis pdq frankly or I'd be considering the longer term.

Your son broke the screen because he was being wound up by your other son, whilst being supervised by your DH. Yep, I think you (or more accurately your sons and your DH) should pay for the replacement screen.