To begrudge paying for a replacement screen?

[CollyWombles]

Just befofe christmas the mother of my DS friend asked me if I could look after her son overnight as she had to work and had been let down by the father. I agreed though I have 4dc who were hard work with Christmas being so close, but felt sorry for her.

Anyways we had the boy over night and the next day I was working so my husband (kids stepfather) was watching the kids. My DS1 and his friend are both 10, my DS2 is 9 and ASN.

I got a phone call from DH just before I finished work to tell me DS2 had thrown the friends bag onto the floor and the screen had broken on the tablet inside. DH had sent DS2 to his room. I know my DS2 and knew there would be a reason but DH hadn't bothered getting the story, just sent DS2 to his room.

When I got home and spoke to DS2, it turned out that DS1 and the friend had been pretending DS2 didn't exist and winding DS2 up until he went into meltdown and threw the bag. Now DS1 knows exactly how to get DS2 to go into meltdown and I suspect him and his friend planned to do it together so DS2 would be sent to his room and they could take over playing on the xbox.

DH had already told the mother we would replace the screen, which happens to be an ipad air and I simply can't afford to at the moment. I feel my DS1 and her son are both to blame for DS2 meltdown and we were doing her a favour looking after the boy so close to the Christmas and also her son was taking part in winding up my ASN son to the point of meltdown. Whilst I'm sorry his screen got broken, it was an unfortunate consequence of pushing an ASN child to breaking point.

I would like to offer to pay half as I really begrudge the thought of paying full. AIBU?

Blimey. Fifth child on the way and your DH finds it difficult to cope with handling the ones you've already got...

Yes I guess looking at it from another point of view, when DD goes for a sleepover I wouldn't let her take expensive stuff like tablets. It's up to her if she wants to take her phone but as it's not necessary (she could contact me via friend's parents if need be) she knows that she's responsible for it and if it got broken that's her problem for arsing around.

Unfortunately, CollyWombles I think the only important thing in this thread is the fact that your DH told the mother that your family would be replacign the screen, and IMHO if you renege on that now, then I think you would be U.

Having said that, I do totally understand everything you say, and have huge sympathy. I think your DH handled absolutely everything really badly at each stage.
BUT - he's made the offer.

I agree with PPs. HE should be the one paying as he made the offer/failed to supervise effectively/didn't find out the full story first.

It sounds like your DH should have been supervising better. On that basis I think you probably should pay. I understand why it’s galling though!

So your DS 1 was the ringleader in the teasing, the boy is usually well behaved, DS2 did the actual damage, DH wasnt superving closely, and you still resent paying even half?

It's so difficult as DS1 can also be wonderfully tolerant with DS2 and although I try to give equal attention, my DS2 can be so much more demanding of my time which must upset DS1. DS2 can also be cruel to DS1, DS2 hates repetitive noises for example and will get on at DS1 for even breathing sometimes. It's not easy and I think DS1 sometimes resents the fact he rarely gets to see his friends on his own because he shares a room with DS2 and DS2 always wants to join in but can't really socialise well. Whilst I am not excusing either sons behaviour, ultimately I feel responsible and DH, though I should have made it clear to DH that he needed to keep a closer watch on them. He was cooking dinner, it wasn't like he was off watching TV or something.

Why did you marry someone who apparently doesn't understand autism? Surely understanding one of your children's health conditions is a pretty basic requirement of a spouse? If he hasn't made the effort to understand by now, he is never going to.

Lovely Shatners, not all of us are comfortable with terminating a child as a result of failed contraceptive. There will be a huge age gap between this baby and my other children, but thank you for reminding me how awful I feel as it is, having another baby when we are on a shoestring and I have two special needs children as it is. Very kind of you.

RedHats

^this

Hmm, it's such a tricky one. I wouldn't welcome children bringing their tablets unless they had shockproof cases for them. My DSs IPads have survived a number of falls because of the cases. My friend's DSs' IPads have broken the screens several times because they didn't have protective covers.

Some people just don't understand it. My DS2 own father doesn't get it. A lot of my understanding has come from years of raising autistic children, no book can really prepare you and every child with autism is different. I married my DH because he loves his step children, they adore him too. DS2 own father was convicted of assaulting him! Whilst I wish my DH understood more, he does understand better than he did when we were first together.

But this isn't a thread about autism. It's a thread about whether or not you should pay to replace a screen

[disclaimer - it's your thread, you can take it in any direction you like, and I hope you get from it what you want or need. I just happen to think the autism is a distraction from the issue you asked for help about in your title]

The odd thing is the tablet was in an ipad case. In the bag, and apparently my DS2 threw the bag from the couch to the floor. I can only assume the case wasn't actually folded over the screen at the time.

It's not just about understanding autism. Your DH missed that DS1 was deliberately winding DS2 up and he missed that it was escalating to a point where DS2 threw something. I'm guessing he offered to pay so quickly because he knew he should have been supervising better, plus DS1 instigated annoying DS2 and DS2 threw the bag. It's all firmly in your family's responsibility although I can see why you're frustrated because it would probably have been avoided if you'd been there

Did the iPad Air not have a cover or screen protector on? If not, then your son's friend bears some responsibility.

I have sympathy for you - it's awkward. Both your ds1 and his friend behaved badly.

I do think ds1 was much more to blame than his friends. He was winding up his brother and the friend probably followed his lead. That said I think if I were the other mum I wouldn't accept more than half of the cost of the screen (if anything). If I sent my son to a friend's house with an expensive uninsured piece of equipment you risk it getting broken. You were doing her a favour and had lots of kids to look after.

X-posted. Are you sure it broke when your son threw the bag?? Could your friend be pulling a fast one??

You’ve(well DH) told the mum you will pay so you will have to pay. However I would have offered to pay half as although it happened at your home IMO the iPad shouldn’t have been sent over to your house(mum is responsible for that). The half that I would offer to pay would be partially funded by your ds1&2.

Because your husband said he would pay it, i would just pay it. But if the boy stays again either say no or state he can but you are not responsible for breakages so to leave lpads at home.

Well it is about autism, if my DS2 was a neurotypical child that smashed a tablet out of anger, i would be paying for the screen in full with no begrudging. The reason I begrudge it is that my son is neuro diverse and was goaded into a meltdown by both other children, which I believe makes it a different matter.

Anyways, I agree that DH offered to pay for it and so we will. I will just silently begrudge it inside instead of paying half.

Sorry op, I really don't think that is right. I didn't understand autism, but then my best friend's little boy was diagnosed. I read up and spoke to other friends with children with autism. I asked my best friend when I haven't understood something. I educated myself so that I could interact with her little boy in a way that he could enjoy and make sure I was not inadvertently making him feel uncomfortable.

I think you are making excuses for your dh because he is less shit than ds2 dad, but actually it's not good enough. He should be working to understand autism. Anyone can learn if they want to.

As said, DH understands more than he used to. I have done heaps of research, currently completing a course in understanding autism and raising two SN children (elder sister is ASN but milder so) yet none of that beats actual experience. They are all so different.

I’m sorry but your son broke it. ASD or not.

He was the one who picked it up and threw the bag resulting in the iPad screen being smashed. You should be paying.

My son also has Autism so I understand but ultimately he still did it.

Your DS1 knew the likely consequences of winding his brother up, so I think you do need to take full responsibility for this, and take at least some of the cost out of his pocket money.

Also your DH should of been watching a lot better.

Your other son probably wanted some time alone with his friend in which case he should of told to leave them alone and then they wouldn’t of been winding him up.