To begrudge paying for a replacement screen?

[CollyWombles]

Just befofe christmas the mother of my DS friend asked me if I could look after her son overnight as she had to work and had been let down by the father. I agreed though I have 4dc who were hard work with Christmas being so close, but felt sorry for her.

Anyways we had the boy over night and the next day I was working so my husband (kids stepfather) was watching the kids. My DS1 and his friend are both 10, my DS2 is 9 and ASN.

I got a phone call from DH just before I finished work to tell me DS2 had thrown the friends bag onto the floor and the screen had broken on the tablet inside. DH had sent DS2 to his room. I know my DS2 and knew there would be a reason but DH hadn't bothered getting the story, just sent DS2 to his room.

When I got home and spoke to DS2, it turned out that DS1 and the friend had been pretending DS2 didn't exist and winding DS2 up until he went into meltdown and threw the bag. Now DS1 knows exactly how to get DS2 to go into meltdown and I suspect him and his friend planned to do it together so DS2 would be sent to his room and they could take over playing on the xbox.

DH had already told the mother we would replace the screen, which happens to be an ipad air and I simply can't afford to at the moment. I feel my DS1 and her son are both to blame for DS2 meltdown and we were doing her a favour looking after the boy so close to the Christmas and also her son was taking part in winding up my ASN son to the point of meltdown. Whilst I'm sorry his screen got broken, it was an unfortunate consequence of pushing an ASN child to breaking point.

I would like to offer to pay half as I really begrudge the thought of paying full. AIBU?

I said he doesn't really understand autism, not doesn't understand it at all! I also said he was improving but as my DS2 is complex often you learn how to manage one behaviour and then a new one arises. As said earlier in the thread, my DS2 had really come on a lot in terms of socialising, so my DH was a bit complacent in leaving them to it whilst he went to make dinner. That does not justify making snidey posts about his ability to look after the kids with a baby too, or the number of children I have had. So yes, wind your neck in.

Who would take a broken iPad around a friends house ?

If the screen is cracked they usually still work, my first iPad is still functioning despite having a crack in it for years. My most recent one has been dropped in a rucksack more than once and is fully intact.

If he came straight from school possibly it was cracked there. He wouldn't be the first person to use an opportunistic event to avoid blame.

We simply don't know - it could have been damaged when the bag was dropped even though it was secured in a case, it could have been damaged when out of the case earlier in the day.

DS1 was the ringleader, DS2 broke it, your husband had his music on so didn't intervene despite knowing DS2 has social difficulties and his brother likes to wind him up. It's your family's fault it got broken. You need to pay to fix it as your DH seems to realise

Funny how whenever you have a thread OP you get really arsey if anyone isn't anything but incredibly supportive. I was on another of your threads last July. Nothing much has changed it seems. You'd just had an issue with contraception then, your bloke didn't want it, he's a recovering alcoholic who was considering going back on the booze, your had 4 kids whom you were finding it difficult to cope with, acquired a puppy into this mix, he was spending £100 a month on tobacco....

Fine. I'll leave you to it.

@ShatnersWig oh really, but now he's the perfect step father! 😂

It should be covered on your house insurance if that helps

@Jasper Oh yes

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3295565-husband-coming-home-to-talk

Whether you pay for it or not, I would not be available for her to dump her child and his allegedly perfect screen in future whatever her problems.

People are so untrusting! Loads of PPs accusing the other mum of not caring who had her child, the screen was already broken etc. Is it not possible that the mum didn't have any other help? What was she meant to do? Not go to work?

OPs children are at fault. DH by proxy as he was the supervising adult. He made a judgement call to offer to pay for the replacement screen so obviously he felt that that was the right thing to do.

Oh do sod off shatner, a recovering alcoholic can't be a good father huh? Rubbish and a shit attitude to have but one that is expected on MN when the word alcoholic is mentioned!

If I was worried about previous posts I would have name changed, I'm glad you are so bothered you feel the need to go looking though!

Things I posted months ago do not have any bearing on the tablet being broken nor whether my DH can parent effectively.

As for getting arsey, only with you, for your shit attitude, other posters have been more than capable of giving opinions without being snarky.

Thank you to everyone else for the replies, I have said I will be paying the full cost because I have agreed that my DH offered to, so we have to now and also that my DS1 was the instigator so regardless of DS2 reaching melt down stage, its still our responsibility.

People are being a bit ridiculous about OP's husband. So he took his eye off the ball - which parent, hand on heart, can say they have never done the same? I agree that that is one reason for saying that he and OP should pay for the iPad screen, but I don't see that it makes him a bad stepfather.

Dd had a broken phone that she just used for music, would appear to be fine but didn't actually work.

I repeat that really the child shouldn’t have taken an expensive gadget with him, my DS is 18 next month and going on a school trip, the ‘rules’ clearly state not to take any expensive/precious gadget away with you as accidents can happen. What was the other mother thinking of by letting her DS take his iPad with him? (Actually who really thinks an iPad is suitable or necessary for a 10 year old but that’s a whole different thread).

@SaturdayNext I think it was more the comment from op that her dh didn't really understand autism. I'm afraid I find it strange too, especially after 5 years.
My dh is also stepdad to my older 2, my eldest has autism and this was discussed at length before we even became serious. Dh had never even heard of it so I told him what it was and how it affected my son, explained how bad things could get and that he needed to be sure he could handle it before meeting the children.

It's honestly not that hard to understand really - there's plenty of information out there and after 5 years living with his stepson day in day out the comment about not understanding it is very bizarre.

As to the actual topic though, all children behaved badly imo. Yes your ds2 has autism but that doesn't excuse all and any behaviour. He needs to learn personal responsibility. Using autism as an 'excuse' is just asking for trouble.

He knows what autism is, however he might find it odd that my DS2 insists on using a bowl for a packet of skittles say. He would not stop DS2 from getting one though, he accepts DS2 autism just doesn't always understand it. In terms of socialising, sometimes he finds it hard to work out if a behaviour is related to autism, or if it is related to being a nine year old kid. I find it a lot easier to work out the difference or know when it doesnt matter either way. Sometimes the boys can be normally mucking about, other times my DS2 may be deliberately making a humming noise to wind DS1 up and although DH understands that, he thinks DS2 should be able to learn to ignore it for example. He would still tell DS1 to stop making the noise because he knows it upsets DS2, I would say he accepts certain things to do with autism but doesn't really understand the why's of autism.

I remember struggling to work out with DD1 what was autistic behaviour and what wasn't. When she was about five, I had put down a line of salt at the back door as some garden slugs kept trying to visit and she rolled up to see what was going on, on her scooter. I explained and said to her not to go over the salt with the scooter as it will flatten it down... And she immediately rolled over the salt ever so slowly right in front of me! I of course asked her why she did that and she looked at me like a wounded puppy, as if she genuinely didn't realise she had done anything wrong as such. I remember talking to my mum and saying how hard u found it knowing if I should be telling her off for something that she might not be able to help.

DS2 was socialising much better to the point his SN teacher was considering beginning to try to phase him back into main stream classes again for a bit, so I think my DH just got a bit complacent.

I think your DH shouldn’t have offered, but now he has you should really make good on that.

That said: What it really comes down to for me is that the 10 yr old should not have been sent to you with such an expensive piece of tech - I’d say not at all, but you should at least have been told it was there and therefore had the chance either to keep it safe or send mum away with it because you didn’t want the responsibility.

TBF, we are assuming that the mum knew he had the iPad. He could have very easily stuffed it in his bag without telling her and had to 'come clean' after it got broken.

Bianca in which case surely the mum should have said ‘you know you shouldn’t take your iPad with you, it has now got broken & you will use your pocket money to repair it’.

If that was my DS there is no way I would be expecting the other family to pay for it, particularly when they were doing me a massive favour.

Did the mother thank you for looking after the child OP? Bunch of flowers? Bottle of wine? Or just the demand for the repair?

She sent round a box of celebrations but honestly, I didn't mind looking after him, I remember my lone parent days. Also I think the Ipad may have come from the father, disney dad type gift. She seems a good mum and her boy has never been an issue when coming over to play. I am certainly not judging her and as much as money is tight for me, I am sure it is for her too. I will pay it in full and I probably would watch the lad again, but next time without expensive gadgets and better supervision.

You're being ridiculous. The friend wouldn't have been goading DS2 if it wasn't for DS1 initiating and leading it so how can it be his fault?? It was your sons who either initiated the conflict or broke the bloody tablet

My DS has ASD (sorry, don't know what 'is ASN' means, please explain). We get benefits for him for various reasons and this is one of the reasons. A lot gets broken. It means I feel I can offer to pay for anything he's responsible for paying for because it's money we wouldn't have otherwise. If you're not already claiming, have you considered it? If you are claiming, it's for the additional costs of having a child with additional needs, replacing and repairing broken stuff being one of them.

Maybe your ds1 and 2 should pay a portion out of their pocket money or Christmas/birthday money as a reminder that actions have consequences

Hi OP

I would be paying but, like you, I would also be begrudging it.
There's nothing wrong with feeling begrudgy when it could have been avoided.
I am sorry you are having a rough time - a lot of what you say including DS1 vying for attention resonates. Also, my own son's needs sometimes get the better of me and I gave birth to him so five years as some kind of measuring stick is simplistic.
Similarly, many siblings fight and although DS1 should know better than to goad because the consequences are more severe with DS2 he is not always going to get it right.
Hope things fare better, don't let the bastards grind you down.

ASN - additional special needs, DS2 is still undergoing diagnosis, he has been in the special needs room at his school for two years and on the waiting list for assessment for the same amount of time. His EHCP is on the assumption that the eventual diagnosis will be autism. Unfortunately his father has assaulted him in the past and we have no idea how long it may have gone on for, when having contact so this also complicates issues as to what may be behavioral problems, what may be special needs and what isnt. I haven't claimed for DLA yet and have no idea how long a wait it till be until we have an official diagnosis either.