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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be peeved of that we're still not engaged

174 replies

isitsummeryett · 17/01/2019 11:54

We've been together a year and a half we have dd together and he has taken my DS on as his own.
He says he wants to get married but wants to be able to afford a proper ring.
Where as for me I'm not really bothered I just kind of want all of us to feel connected and have the same last name and also start the adoption process as he wants to adopt ds.

Aibu to feel annoyed by this? I feel like it's just never going to happen.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 18/01/2019 10:58

Your son has a father.
He might be waste of space.
But I don’t think that you have the moral right to legally stop that ‘relationship’.
Your boyfriend doesn’t need to adopt your son to be a father to him.
I don’t think you have any moral right to take away the legal relationship between your son and his father. I actually don’t think it should be legally allowed to be done by a parent, it should be driven by the child themselves.

QforCucumber · 18/01/2019 10:59

How old is your son?

Ellisandra · 18/01/2019 12:59

No age given. Young enough to still be at nursery though.
Far too young to be anything other than a unilateral decision to want adoption.

OP, why on earth would you consider your boyfriend committed enough to your family to legally become your son’s father, when he isn’t committed enough to marry you?

Imagine telling your 15yo that his legal FATHER is a man you were dating and never married, and split up with years ago? That could happen. Of course marriage is no guarantee that you’ll stay together, but it does show some commitment.

It sounds like you’ve had a difficult situation with a small child and no father involvement beyond CMS, and now an unplanned child very quickly with your boyfriend - and that because of that you want your fairytale of all having the same surname and all that represents. SLOW DOWN.

Original poster

isitsummeryett · 18/01/2019 13:45

@Santaclarita you are completely lost!
When I had my son I went to child Maintence his dad was not willingly paying as he wanted nothing to do with him.
They had to take the Maintence from his wages as he wouldn't pay it was £150 a month it is now £7 a month as he isn't working.

My partner pays for DS nursery not his biological father who he has met twice and has no interest in seeing.I was the one that arranged for DS to meet his biological dad otherwise this would never of happened.

I'm 24 and OH is 28

I'm not in a rush to have OH adopt DS as I said earlier up I heard the process took a while and I wanted to get married before we started the process. We wouldn't get married for another two years max so we would of been together nearly four years by then.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2019 13:48

Why are you in a rush to be engaged if you wouldn’t get married for two years?

Original poster

isitsummeryett · 18/01/2019 13:52

Find it really baffling that people think I'm taking my son away from his biological father that hasn't even made no effort with his son at all. Really is hilarious!

If I do get married one day and my OH has already said he would like to adopt DS to me that is the right thing to do. He has shown nothing but commitment to me and my son from the moment he has came into our lives.

@PurpleDaisies the type of wedding my OH wants we would have to save for.

OP posts:

gentlyscented · 18/01/2019 13:57

I've been with my partner almost 7 years, we have two children together and I'm not at all bothered about getting engaged/married.

A ring/piece of paper makes absolutely no difference in a relationship what so ever in my opinion

LordEmsworth · 18/01/2019 13:58

the type of wedding my OH wants we would have to save for

So why haven't you started saving? Why do you need to have a ring in order to plan the wedding? Why are you insisting that agreeing you are going to get married isn't properly engaged?

You do not need a proposal and/or a piece of jewellery if you are both agreed that you intend to get married. If in fact one of you (that is to say, him) does not intend to get married, the absence of jewellery is the least of your problems.

choli · 18/01/2019 14:40

I think he is having second thoughts about a hasty marriage, for all the very good reasons listed by BejamNostalgia.
Frankly, if he was my brother or son, I would be telling him to wait at least a few years before committing to this relationship. Being rushed in to fatherhood by an accidental pregnancy after a 4 month relationship was enough, he does not have to agree to be rushed into marriage.

Santaclarita · 18/01/2019 14:40

Your sons father has still paid. Many women on here get nothing at all, ever. They still don't try to remove the father legally from their children's life.

popcornpaws · 18/01/2019 15:08

He does not want to get married.
I’m not saying ever but certainly at this moment he doesn’t.

The ring, the big family, not being busy enough at work, he obviously is trying to tell you no!

I did not get engaged, decided to get married and we done it four weeks later, if my husband started saying shite about rings, big weddings etc i would have known immediately that he did not want to get married!

BejamNostalgia · 18/01/2019 17:11

OP, I notice you haven’t responded to my question about the assets going into this marriage. Was the house his before he met you? Who is bringing savings and assets into the marriage, did you own any property or have significant savings before you met?

I think that is a very significant issue.

BejamNostalgia · 18/01/2019 17:17

And I don’t think, in his position, claiming you wouldn’t marry for a couple of years would be convincing.

In 18 months you’ve had a baby, moved on together, own a house together and you are really, really pushing for adoption and marriage.

Can you not see that in his shoes, he has every reason to think the day after the ring goes on your finger, you’ll be making an appointment with the registrar, buying invitations and drawing up your guest list?

FunkyKingston · 18/01/2019 17:30

Op if you were a friend of your boyfriend what would you advise him?

If he were my friend I'd be sating "cool your jets a bit pal' you've known this woman for a year and a half and it is all moving too fast and it is early days in the relationship, give it some time before you make any more commitments to this woman as yoi don't knownhow it will work out, but for God's sake be honest with her rather than trying to pacify her.

Parthenope · 18/01/2019 17:42

When it comes to adoption of your first child , then you are being quite ridiculous. By all means marry your DP and get financial protection for yourself and children. If he does turn out to be a dick then you can divorce him and receive the protection that marriage provides.

Unfortunately adoption is a one-way street and 18 months is far too short a time to know how he will be longterm as a parent to a child, not biologically his. Whilst you can divorce an unfit husband you cannot have an adoption reversed because he is an unfit father. This really does need to take time.

This.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 18/01/2019 17:47

Find it really baffling that people think I'm taking my son away from his biological father that hasn't even made no effort with his son at all. Really is hilarious! You don't seem to understand they're advising this for your son's benefit not for his father's benefit. If you two split up imagine how confusing it will be for your son....well I had one dad then I got another one but then they split up so I don't feel I fit in anywhere. Why do that to him? If your boyfriend is going to stick around then he'll stick around without needing to adopt your son.

I'd also lay off the marriage talk because you haven't been together long. It's cringeworthy seeing people trying to pressure their partners to marry them.

Motoko · 18/01/2019 18:58

A ring/piece of paper makes absolutely no difference in a relationship what so ever in my opinion

You are very naive if you believe that. Of course it makes a difference. If you're married, you have legal protection and certain benefits, that you don't have if you're just cohabiting. This is why people advise women to get married, before having children.

OP I agree with people saying it's all been rushed. 18 months in with both of my previous relationships, they were still good. Didn't last though.

However, I don't think your boyfriend wants to get married. I've seen those excuses on every single thread from someone who wants to get engaged (the OPs in those threads also all want to do it the "traditional" way, despite already having the house and children first). Their partners always want the big wedding, the expensive ring, the fancy proposal, but never have the money to pay for them, so the engagement never happens, because there's always a reason they can't do it.
And yet they always insist that they're committed to the OP, and they do love them.

OP whose name is the house in?

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 18/01/2019 19:04

How is he paying child maintenance but isn't on the birth certificate? Did he do a DNA test? If so, surely he would now be on the birth certificate or registered as the Father?

Nope. Perfectly possible to be paying maintenance and not be listed on the birth certificate or to have acquired parental responsibility some other way. If he wasn't there with OP to register the birth then the registrar couldn't put him on it, and there'd need to be a court order that he applies for in order to get it. If he's content to pay maintenance but not apply for PR then it won't happen.

In terms of the engagement, OP you're conflating things that aren't necessarily linked. 18 months is actually not particularly soon to get engaged, especially when you've been living together a while, but it's also early enough that someone might legitimately not feel ready. I would make sure you don't sleepwalk into cohabiting though. If you're going to live together without marriage for any significant period of time, then it should be an active decision.

I'm another who thinks you're shooting yourself in the foot being all selectively traditional about things that actually disadvantage you. You clearly can't be that old school if you had two kids without being married, so why cling to a big proposal that effectively disenfranchises you?

JustHereForThePooStories · 18/01/2019 19:50

OP, please at least tell us you’re working and paying in to a pension.

Are both your names on the mortgage, with 50/50 split?

My concern for you would be that, if you split, he could claim that his self-employed income is very low and you’d end up receiving very low child maintenance from him.

Can you afford to raise two children alone on £14 child maintenance a week?

If your boyfriend doesn’t see why you’d be concerned about that, you have your answer.

Tjzmummabear · 19/01/2019 09:49

If you're cohabiting and he leaves you get next to nothing.

swingofthings · 19/01/2019 10:01

Your notion of time is not right. Yes your son's father sounds like he hasn't been acting much like a dad so far, but there is still a chance that he might do so. Similarly, your OH might have been fantastic so far but there is time to find things about him that might surprise you and make you think he is not the person you thought he was.

Marriage and adoption are decisions for life. 2 years is nothing in a lifetime. There is absolutely no need to rush. Marriage and adoption won't give you the security and assurance you seem to crave. It won't stop you oh de iding he doesn't want to be with you or a dad to your son any longer if he suddenly turned into a monster.

Take the time to build the bond. Adaption and marriage should then come naturally rather than something planned or worse pressured.

Tjzmummabear · 19/01/2019 10:06

8 years? Do u want to get married?

Whatjusthappenedthere · 19/01/2019 10:10

Maybe things have moved so fast between you both that he feels he needs a bit more time to actually get his head around being married. You have already completed a lot of the family stuff in a very short space of time.
It’s possible he doesn’t feel ready for marriage as he’s got enough responsibility already. Men think differently from us.

cheesydoesit · 19/01/2019 10:46

How old is your son OP?

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