To be peeved of that we're still not engaged

[isitsummeryett]

We've been together a year and a half we have dd together and he has taken my DS on as his own.
He says he wants to get married but wants to be able to afford a proper ring.
Where as for me I'm not really bothered I just kind of want all of us to feel connected and have the same last name and also start the adoption process as he wants to adopt ds.

Aibu to feel annoyed by this? I feel like it's just never going to happen.

I have been with my DP for 12 years now, not married, and have a friend who has been with her DP 11 years and have 5 boys together, not married. My DP's sister only just got married a few years ago after about 18 years, their kids were something like 12, 14 and 16. 18 months is nothing :)

How can you just take away the biological fathers son from him without even asking? You can't just allow someone else to adopt the boy if the father won't allow it. And he should be on the bc, it's terrible he isn't.

Are you going to still expect the biological dad to pay the bills for his child?

I think you're being a bit naive here and childish. You want a wedding, not a marriage.

@Santaclarita have you even read any of the thread?

sorry OP - i think he's not that into you... you are into him though, and it comes across in the posts, it might be he's scared at the speed youre pushing for everything to happen?

Your son will lose inheritance rights from his natural father and his family too. So be VERY careful. If he loses out because of that, he may be very cross. Particularly if he only receives a small inheritance because of splitting it with his sister. Or worse than that, if you did split even if your current partner had adopted him, he might leave everything to DD. That would leave DS with nothing or stuck in legal wrangling with his sister.

If he hasn't asked, it means he is not ready to marry you. After such a short amount of time together, I wouldn't be pressuring him.

I have a friend in a similar situation. She’s been with the guy 5 years, they have one child together and she has an older DC. He said he doesn’t believe in marriage and that he’ll adopt the DC (bio dad died to no barrier). He hasn’t taken even one step towards adoption. My friend raises marriage and adoption about once a year and it leads to a row then gets dropped.

OP you’re going to have to decide if you’re willing to live like this because there’s no way you can convince him to marry you if he’s not ready. Unfortunately as you have a child with him and have (foolishly IMO) encouraged your other child to view this man as daddy, you can’t easily walk away now.

What a pile of patronising bollocks. This poster is a grown adult female with two children.

There are multiple threads on here about the stupidity of having children without marriage - yet a huge % of MN parents go ahead regardless, disbelieving that THEIR DP would screw them over and yet they do, time and time again DESPITE being together for years. ! .

My own closest friend had 4 children with her investment banker partner over 25 yrs . Yet he still left her for a 26yr old and without a PENNY of the huge wealth of money and property she had helped him to amass over that time. So no - knowing him for many years is NO guarantee!)

The problem here OP is that you have lost your 'bargaining chip'. You are absolutely right to want to get married. It matters not a jot how long you have known him once you already live together and have a child and house together- marriage will be a huge advantage to you but a possible massive financial risk to him.

Your 'bargaining chip' is his desire to have a family. Men WANT to get married when they fall in love with a women they want to have children with - and that woman will only consider it if they are married - OR for purely romantic reasons. He (the man) is so head over heels that he doesn't want her to 'get away' and wants to make a public declaration of love.
In your case OP - you have not given him a chance for any of this to develop because you got pregnant so early in to the relationship. It's quite possible he DOES feel this for you but lack of ability to do things in a sensible order has left you with no options but to wait for your partner to decide - the ONE part of the relationship where he has the ability to control the timing.

Yes, marriage now IS sensible for you. There are huge legal issues for you if your property and assets are not in joint names.
Fast marriage is not smart IF there are no children. There are.

When it comes to adoption of your first child , then you are being quite ridiculous. By all means marry your DP and get financial protection for yourself and children. If he does turn out to be a dick then you can divorce him and receive the protection that marriage provides .

Unfortunately adoption is a one-way street and 18 months is far too short a time to know how he will be longterm as a parent to a child, not biologically his. Whilst you can divorce an unfit husband you cannot have an adoption reversed because he is an unfit father. This really does need to take time.

You’ve been together 18 months, you barely know him.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, you can’t be that much of a traditionalist, you live with him already & have a child together.

Just ask him!

Agree with everyone else. 18 months is vvvv quick ....slow down. Sounds like youve agreed to married so just book venue etc.

isitsummeryett

Have you? What's your proper answers to what I said? Where did I go wrong? You don't have your sons biological father on the bc, you want the random man of 18 months to adopt him, and the biological father pays all childcare bills, as said by you.

• it's £7 a month. He does pay for him he pays his £500 a month nursery bill

You said he currently pays £507, used to be £650. A month. You are aware he will stop paying that if you get your partner to adopt his son? And why isnt your partner paying that now if he wants to adopt him?

Have you even asked his father if he is happy for you to allow someone else to adopt his son? I doubt he would be happy about it if he is happy to pay that amount every month.

If you were that worried about tradition OP (as in, you're waiting to be asked) then surely you would have waited to have a child together until after marriage?

Just wait! Nothing romantic about receiving a proposal you've nagged for.

it's £7 a month. He does pay for him he pays his £500 a month nursery bill

You said he currently pays £507

I read that as ex pays £7 a month but current partner pays the £500 nursery fees. Did I read that wrong?

18 months isn't that long.
Some men have a lot of pride in buying a special ring. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Either wait or ask him yourself.
You can't really be annoyed at him.

It's not fair for the biological dad to be paying maintenance if he isn't seeing his kid or on the birth certificate and if your partner adopts the child then he is off the hook completely, no more maintenance.

It's not fair for the biological dad to be paying maintenance if he isn't seeing his kid or on the birth certificate

The op isn’t stopping the biological dad from seeing the son. Until the adoption happens (if it happens), it is right that he still pays to support his child. I don’t see how him being on the birth certificate makes any difference at all.

I can understand why people are saying it was rushed, but me and my husband got together in July 2016, and by March 2017 we were engaged, by August/September 2017 I was pregnant, I gave birth in May 2018 and we got married in August 2018.

As long as you're happy, you do what you want to do :)

It's not rushed. I got with my OH in March 16, moved in together officially Nov 16 (although living together by June but I still had my flat to pop back to before renting) engaged Dec 17, expecting our first baby in Feb 19, getting married May 20.
We are both now 33 and 36 - you know when it feels right.

Also are you prepared for your non contact ex to suddenly want to be involved in your sons life? How old is your son? Is he aware that this man isn’t his biological father? I think you’re going to end up with a very confused little boy by rushing things!

OMG, your OP is exactly what my situation was. I just said that if he won’t marry me, I can’t stay with him. I also said that we can give the notice now, for next year. And he agreed.

I still don’t have a engagement ring, but we had a small budget wedding, with just closest family and friends. We’re happy to be married.

@isitsummeryett Of course they will contact the father of the child if he's paying you maintenance. He would have to give up his parental responsibility and stop the maintenance.
You can't just chop and change your child's father.

@Bumblebee39 step parent - we had a SW, she had a SW. took months.