To be peeved of that we're still not engaged

[isitsummeryett]

We've been together a year and a half we have dd together and he has taken my DS on as his own.
He says he wants to get married but wants to be able to afford a proper ring.
Where as for me I'm not really bothered I just kind of want all of us to feel connected and have the same last name and also start the adoption process as he wants to adopt ds.

Aibu to feel annoyed by this? I feel like it's just never going to happen.

Biological dad isn't on the birth certificate but child Maintence take it from his wages so I think they may contact him.

As PP have said, if you are the only one with PR (which you will be if he isn't on the birth cert) then adoption process will literally take days, so that's not really a process to worry about

Why do you want him to adopt your child so soon? What happens if the honeymoon period dies down in the next few years and you are inextricably linked?

Can I just ask...what is the rush to get married? What is it you actually want? Is it the wedding, the marriage, etc?

@pandechocolate thanks I didn't know that but I think because DS biological has child Maintence taken out of his wages they may contact him?

@Neverunderfed already has died

You've asked twice before, how long had you been together when you first asked ? How long were you together before you fell pregnant. It all seems very rushed.

isitsummeryett - yes, he treated me to one. But we'd been married around 5 years at that point and had brought our first house.

And what do you mean the honey moon period has already died?

I had this with my ex. I always said I'd be happy with a cheap ring but it turned out to be a delaying excuse unfortunately. I got dumped a year or so later.

Good Lord, OP!

If the honeymoon has already died (before the wedding!) then ignore my previous post, stop acting so foolishly needy and make plans for life without this chap.

To the posters who are telling the OP to slow down - that ship has sailed - having a child together is a much bigger commitment than marriage and that has already been done.

Now that they have a child together the most sensible way forward is to get married, to get all of the protections that a marriage brings.

Tell him that this is really important to you, and as much as he wants to get you an expensive ring, you want to be married much more. He can buy you an expensive ring for your anniversary. If he keeps coming up with excuses, he doesn't want to marry you. Use this information wisely.

@pandechocolate not the wedding I'm quite happy to just go to the registry office but he has a huge family and wants a big do.

For me it's just wanting us to feel like one DS has my last name DD has my OH last name and I just don't like that concept of it I want us all to be one.

I fell pregnant very quickly maybe three four months in I was on the depo but it failed I was very closed to having an abortion as we not long met each other and didn't want to make the same mistake again as I did with DS dad @Bluntness100

YABVU to say 'peeved off'. It's 'peeved', just peeved. Pissed off is a totally different thing.

And frankly YABU to want to marry someone you've been with five minutes in the scheme of things. Especially with children involved. Are you even living together? Because I'd say even that was jumping the gun at 18 months, never mind have a child together and looking to adopt your other child!!! How long have you known this guy?

Asking twice is a lot in the space of 18 months.

You shouldn’t be trying to have someone you been with for such a short time adopt your child, it’s madness.

You sound like you just want a man, any man, you don’t actually care enough to get to know him. FIne it if was just you but you have children to think of.

Blimey OP, how can you say "still" not engaged?!

18 months is no time at all! I thought you were going to say 15 years or something.

Yes living together bought our house.

@LotsToThinkOf yeah that's definitely not the case

Your OH cannot just adopt your son because you want him to. Your sons biological Dad WILL have a say, and he WILL be contacted. How is he paying child maintenance but isn't on the birth certificate? Did he do a DNA test? If so, surely he would now be on the birth certificate or registered as the Father?

Also, if your OH does adopt your son, you will no longer get maintenance from the biological Dad, so are you financially able to support your son without that money, especially if your OH doesn't earn much in the winter?

Now that they have a child together the most sensible way forward is to get married, to get all of the protections that a marriage brings

oh ffs, she's known the guy 18 months, it's not sensible at all. He sounds like the sensible one. The child wasn't planned, and they can do parent if the relationship doesn't work out.

thanks I didn't know that but I think because DS biological has child Maintence taken out of his wages they may contact him?

I don't think they will. I know people that pay towards their bio children but aren't on the birth certs for various reasons - they don't have any legal rights to the children, they just pay because they want to.

For me it's just wanting us to feel like one DS has my last name DD has my OH last name and I just don't like that concept of it I want us all to be one.

I do know what you mean, this is one of the things I weighed up when I got married (I was very torn on changing my name - I changed it in the end). But you are still a family unit, these days you don't have to have the same last name to be recognised as such (it's so common to have different surnames nowadays). I really wouldn't worry about the urgency of it :) give him some more time, he might not feel ready to think about that yet (I know it would only be engagement but ultimately that leads to marriage so it's a big step for many people), maybe he will feel differently in a year?

"He has a huge family and wants a big do"

If you are still determined to go ahead, tell him you can have the huge do at a blessing/humanist/ ceremony or party on the first anniversary.

What though are your gut feelings? Is he a willing volunteer or a pressed man?

Woah too quick for me, DH and I were together for more than eighteen months before we even lived together and neither of us had DCs to think about, we'd been together six years before he proposed and had saved a house deposit in that time (I already owned a small flat) , we got married just under two years after being engaged (right and a half years after getting together) and have just had our first DC, we've been together ten years this year. We've known each other as friends since 1995.
You have a child to think about, if this goes South (you're still really in the new relationship hearts and flowers stage) your son is going to be devastated as you've set him up with a new daddy and grandparents who actually have no long term link or obligation to him and could just walk away.

Although I agree you’ve moved incredibly fast here, what’s done is done.

In terms of your reasons for wanting to marry, I think if you look deeper into it they’re pretty sound tbh. It’s not very romantic but practically speaking the children are much better protected if you’re married. If one of you dies there’s a lot of things the surviving parent wouldn’t be entitled to or face a battle to sort out.

I wouldn’t set your heart too much on the adoption thing tbh. Most dads (even absent ones suprinsingly) don’t take kindly to giving up their chilfren how formally.

Only read page 1. OP had a small child when she met her partner.

I'm not anti fast relationships, dh and I got engaged 1 yr to the day of our first snog 😁 and married 6 months later. But with kids you have to be careful.

Why are you still taking child maintenance from your childs bio dad if your partner wants to adopt him, if he considers himself his dad now surely he should be the one paying for him?

@secondarymincepie it's £7 a month. He does pay for him he pays his £500 a month nursery bill