To be peeved of that we're still not engaged

[isitsummeryett]

We've been together a year and a half we have dd together and he has taken my DS on as his own.
He says he wants to get married but wants to be able to afford a proper ring.
Where as for me I'm not really bothered I just kind of want all of us to feel connected and have the same last name and also start the adoption process as he wants to adopt ds.

Aibu to feel annoyed by this? I feel like it's just never going to happen.

it's £7 a month

Is that what he’s supposed to be paying? That seems very low.

Does your son see your extra?

Ex^

@PurpleDaisies it was £150 a month but he's just gone on to benefits any money I have received has always gone into DS savers.
Not anymore seen him twice when he was around 6 months.

Do you have a history of rushing headlong into things OP? Maybe try a different tactic this time round and see how things work. 18 months is no time at all really in the grand scheme of things. Try living with what you have going on at the moment for a while.

This is all sounds so incredibly rushed OP. How old are you? In the nicest possible way, you sound quite immature.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with you wanting to get married. Some of my best friends got married between 9-18 months after being together. They are still together now, 40 odd years later.

My DM and step dad got married 12 months after meeting. They are still together now, 28 years later.

My only advice is this, don't pester.
My SIL pestered her DH to marry her and he did, but reluctantly. I remember the day before their wedding, him telling me that he was only getting married because he felt forced. Please don't do that to your man! He will certainly resent it. Let him come to this decision himself. He knows you want to get married, now leave it to him. If he decides he still isn't ready after 2 years - then respect that. Don't try to push it, because it isn't just your life here.

Be sure that your DS is happy with his new potential step father. My step father was great with me for the first two years. He then turned cruel and wasn't the man he had been portraying for two years. It was an act for my Mum. She still believes it now.

Anyway, this is all I can add to this thread.

Good luck.

Mumsnet: It's vital to be married if you want to have children so you're not legally screwed. DO IT NOW! AT ONCE! Everything will be a disaster if you don't.

Mumsnet: I simply can't understand why you're in such a hurry to get married...

@ShartGoblin

Actually most posters (having read MN for a while) think that you should take time to get to know each other, then introduce partner to existing children and see how it goes, then marry and then have children. So both your statements still stand.

For a good reason. Most relationships fail, you don't want to hurt yourself or your children in the process. Getting married before children makes sense because it isn't just a piece of paper but gives you rights and obligations. If after these steps you have children you will have a better chance of a positive future because you are financially protected if the marriage fails and you know your partner better so a better chance on a succesful relationship. It isn't rocket science.

In the case of the OP a surprise pregnancy made things a bit more complicated.

Yes I do agree with you on everything you have said. I just find this thread really strange because a lot of responses seem to be written as if their daughter doesn't exist and the OP has said To be fair I think if we didn't have the kids and it was just me and him I wouldn't be bothered

The children do change things, it's not like she can go back in time and change it even if she wanted to. The relationship may fail because it's very quick but surely that's why we protect ourselves in the first place?

Maybe he's feeling like you can take time over engagement and marriage because you are already together, parenting, and own a house together?
It might be because everything else has been rushed he wants to slow down and do this more traditionally than everything else in your relationship so far?
Yes you have a kid together, but that wasn't by his design. It sounds like you rush in head first @isitsummeryett but maybe he's trying to slow the pace down a bit?

However I get where you're coming from too, as marriage would give you all stability and some protections. It sounds like s very sensible approach in someways, but maybe he wants it to be romantic/spontaneous? Not planned and sensible.

So you’ve had a baby & bought a house within 18 months?! 😩

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/stepfamilies-legal-information/adopting-stepchildren/

There you go op, it's as quick and easy as a matter of days 🙄

Ah no I like tradition definitely wouldn't ask!

Stop being silly, you have a house and a child together, none of that is traditional.
His Excuses? He wants to get a proper ring. He has a big family he wants and bigger wedding than a registry office.
It's all excuses. He doesn't want to marry you. If he did then the registry office quicky with a party later in the year for all his family would be just fine.

Noeuf - it wouldn't be a 'matter of days'...... They would have to have visits from social workers, go back to the birth Father and his family, there would be many visits before an adoption order was granted, and this could take months....even longer......and rightly so.

ShartGoblin
Mumsnet: It's vital to be married if you want to have children so you're not legally screwed. DO IT NOW! AT ONCE! Everything will be a disaster if you don't.

Mumsnet: I simply can't understand why you're in such a hurry to get married...

I know this is crazy to some people but generally once you have a child, protecting them should become your top priority.

I mean I could go to a prison right now and find a rich child sex offender willing to marry me and I'd definitely be financially better off but my children would be much less safe. So marrying quick for financial security would obviously be offset by the risk of being tied to someone potentially harmful.

So when you have young children and meet random men you barely know GENERALLY your no 1 goal isn't to tie yourself legally to them asap for cash, it's to go slow and protect your children from potential harm.

Crazy isn't it?

Just legally change all your surnames if that's the most important thing to you.

A year and a half isn't very long at all - nothing against people who get engaged/married after this amount of time, but I certainly wouldn't be pestering my partner after such a short amount of time together. I only started pestering mine after 4 years

I had made the assumption that the OP probably does know the man she lives with, loves and has had a child with...

I'm not suggesting anyone goes out and marries a rich sex offender (unless you're quite good at hiding bodies )

I know this is crazy to some people but generally once you have a child, protecting them should become your top priority.

I agree with this 100% but I don't agree that marrying him would pose more of a risk to them than him living with them already.

@howmanyusernames
Yes, thanks I'm aware of that as an adoptee myself - this is a slightly sarcastic response to the stupid earlier posts of 'its just a form' 'it's just a couple of days'. Hence the

Has your boyfriend said he will only adopt your son if you're married? Or does he want to adopt him if you're not married?

If your boyfriend will only adopt him if you're married you need to exercise extreme caution. If he will adopt him if you're not married - what is stopping him?

annoys me about certain men
dont care to have kids with you but marriage they have to think about

She doesn't barely know him. She's been with him for 18 months, she lives with him and they have a child together.

How would the children be less safe if she marries him compared to just living with him?

OP you say you've bought a house. If bought whose names are on the mortgage?

Seriously, if he loves you and the children, why the need for a fancy ring and a big party that will cost around £20k? Marriage isn't everything. Don't put pressure on him. Focus on the good things about your relationship and family life.

Weddings don’t have to cost £20k.