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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be peeved of that we're still not engaged

174 replies

isitsummeryett · 17/01/2019 11:54

We've been together a year and a half we have dd together and he has taken my DS on as his own.
He says he wants to get married but wants to be able to afford a proper ring.
Where as for me I'm not really bothered I just kind of want all of us to feel connected and have the same last name and also start the adoption process as he wants to adopt ds.

Aibu to feel annoyed by this? I feel like it's just never going to happen.

OP posts:
Isth · 17/01/2019 12:12

Agree with a PP, be more careful with your sons emotional well-being for goodness sake. That’s all far too quick.

FissionChips · 17/01/2019 12:13

18 months and you have a child together and plan to allow him to adopt your son?!Shock

I honestly dispair.

Original poster
isitsummeryett · 17/01/2019 12:13

@tiggerkid do you know what it's never bothered me before but he always says Im going to do it by so and so then that date passes. If he didn't say things like that I wouldn't even feel the way I do.

He's self employed so it's winter now so money will be tight until summer and he says he just can't afford it so not sure if it's just an excuse or what. If he wanted to marry me now I'm sure he would.

OP posts:
FissionChips · 17/01/2019 12:14

Enot i^

Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 17/01/2019 12:14

Met Dp in 2014, dated a year before he met Dc in 2015. Had a baby in 2016 and got engaged that year. Still now married, hopefully this year. But my god you are rushing. 18 months is so early in a relationship.

AnnaMagnani · 17/01/2019 12:14

Am I missing something here?

He has said to you that he wants to get married to you.

In what form, was this not a proposal? Surely this was your cue to start booking venues and get your DM to buy a hat?

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 12:15

you may like the tradition but it's making your very passive with regard to your future, which I find very odd in an adult and a parent.

Original poster
isitsummeryett · 17/01/2019 12:16

I'm sure the whole adoption process takes years anyway.

OP posts:
DanglyBangly · 17/01/2019 12:19

You need to slow down and think about your DS. This is all way too fast.

If it’s ‘right’ then it doesn’t matter how long it’ll take, because you have the rest of your lives together.

pandechocolate · 17/01/2019 12:19

I'm sure the whole adoption process takes years anyway.

In your circumstances, no it wouldn't. It would probably take a few months.

Personally, I think YABU. 18 months is very quick and I would not want to rush a person in to adopting my child in that time, for my child's sake.

buzz91 · 17/01/2019 12:20

You don’t need to be married in order for him to adopt, once you’ve lived together for a year you can get things moving in terms of adoption - and then you’re looking at a year plus until it’ll actually get to court.

ImNotKitten · 17/01/2019 12:24

18 Months in and you already have a DD together and you want him to adopt your other child? Jesus. You need to slow down. It’s one thing to get carried away when you’re single and without commitments, but completely irresponsible when you have a DS to consider.

You can’t be that into tradition if you’ve had the baby before marriage anyway. If he wanted to propose to you, he would. Another reason to slow down.

Original poster
isitsummeryett · 17/01/2019 12:24

I have spoken to someone and they said it took two years for them so I assumed it would take around that time.I know you don't need to be married but thought it might make it a smoother process.

OP posts:
LotsToThinkOf · 17/01/2019 12:27

‘He always says I’m going to do it by so and so then that date passes’

Sorry but how often have you been asking him, because ‘always’ sounds like it’s a regular conversation and you’ve only been together 18 months. Due to the fact you’ve nagged him I think he’s dragging his heels and questioning what he really wants, I don’t blame him!

Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 17/01/2019 12:28

Are you even listening 🙈🙃

Bumblebee39 · 17/01/2019 12:28

The adoption process is just a form to fill out and take to the court if your married... unless DS has his bio dad on birth cert? If you are the only one with PR it is literally a days effort (if that).

pandechocolate · 17/01/2019 12:29

I have spoken to someone and they said it took two years for them so I assumed it would take around that time.I know you don't need to be married but thought it might make it a smoother process

If you are adopting via an adoption agency and aren't already approved adopters, it will take longer, as the birth family will have to go a whole process of assessment as to why they shouldn't keep the baby, it needs to go through court, then social services would need to assess adopters before finding them a child etc etc...

I'm assuming this is what your friend would have done for it to take so long? If you are the child's birth mother, biological dad isn't involved/on the birth certificate or is on the birth certificate but has given permission for adoption, then it won't take long.

hellhavenofury · 17/01/2019 12:29

I got engaged in November after being together for 8 years and buying a house together etc! I thought that was long but it worked out to be perfect timing for both of us as he did it on his terms :-) Don't try and rush/pressure a man, it never works out the way you want it to!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/01/2019 12:30

OP, you are totally ignoring any advice given..

Slow down. It sounds as though he's not ready and I'm not surprised - as others have said 18 months is really short time. You can't keep comparing your relationship to other peoples'. 'Well, they got married within 2 years so we should too.'

It just sounds like you're piling on the pressure way too much.

Take it easy! If you're not going to ask him, then you're going to have to wait until he's ready. How long you wait is up to you.

Also, getting engaged is meaningless in itself. So tell him you don't care about a ring, you just want to get married. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Huntawaymama · 17/01/2019 12:31

There's obviously a lot of traditions you're not bothered about so why not just ask him?

18m is not long to have been together either. Why rush?

Original poster
isitsummeryett · 17/01/2019 12:32

@LotsToThinkOf I've asked twice.

By time we would of got married and started the adoption process would be another 2years max. I never said I wanted to do it now I heard it took a few years to do.

Biological dad isn't on the birth certificate but child Maintence take it from his wages so I think they may contact him.

OP posts:
CountFosco · 17/01/2019 12:32

You need to look after the child you have with this man by marrying him.

But you also need to look after your first child, is his father and father's family not on the scene at all? If there is the slightest chance that any of that family will show an interest in your child in the future then your partner should not adopt him. Also, I hope both your children have YOUR surname and not their fathers.

aconcertpianist · 17/01/2019 12:33

Go along to the Registry Office, get a list of available dates.

Show him those dates.

Ask him which one does he fancy.

Make it clear that you do not need a ring, a cake, a dress, a party-if you want have all those things on the first year anniversary.

If he is happy to go ahead with that and books one of the available dates, then great.

If he doesn't want to, listen very, very carefully to his excuse/reason and either accept it or, if marriage is a deal breaker, make plans to untangle yourself.

dottybutterfly · 17/01/2019 12:33

18 months 😂😂 try 8 years!!

explodingkitten · 17/01/2019 12:34

If you're so traditional then why didn't you get married before getting pregnant? Not that you have to on my account but it sounds so weird, havind two kids by two different dads, being unmarried and then claiming that you are traditional....

I second that you are rushing into things, but you obviously don't want to hear that.

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