Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants a prenup!

590 replies

HappyHattie · 17/01/2019 00:05

I’ve taken legal advice so fully understand how they do/don’t work- not looking for technical advice just opinions on whether IABU??

I am 27 DP is 32 - he earns 3x my salary. (mine is respectable and I’ve just completed a masters so will increase).

DP owned his home with about £150k of equity before we met. (He paid top end of the asking price so has not gained value and may lose a bit post Brexit)

Anyway we’re financially merged- joint accounts- I’ve never held anything back from him- including my £7k of savings when I moved in. (I know I still don’t match his income but still)

He did mention getting something in writing to protect his £150k much earlier in the relationship - fine, I was happy with that- my sibling has one as he had a large inheritance- I’ve always been independent!

But now we’re actually getting married - my £7k of savings has been swallowed up, I’m not yet named on the mortgage and we’re both wanting to start a family post wedding (2-3 kids).

The plan is I’ll drop down to PT - only today whilst talking it through with a solicitor did I realise how vulnerable I’ll be leaving myself!

I don’t want to have small children and work FT (my career is demanding and DP whilst eager to help is very much consumed by his career and often works away for short periods) I work with so many women who try to juggle this and their lives look miserable! I’d rather not have children than live like that!

So this evening I’ve been really deflated- feeling like I’m getting the shit end of the stick really - I’m not after his money (not at all) but equally I don’t really want to be drafting up a 14 page prenup which even the solicitor said ‘is likely to get quite complicated’

It also seems like it’s going to escalate from ‘protecting the £150k’ to also including inheritance, pensions, earnings...etc.

I didn’t sign up for not being a ‘team’ if I wanted to build a financial future alone - I wouldn’t be getting married.

I’m probably ABU 😞 but would appreciate some opinions!

(DP is a wonderful guy - honestly 10/10 on everything else but he had a really bad experience as a teen when he lost his parent and their very recent new spouse tried to take everything- think this has made him overly cautious)

OP posts:
kickerss · 17/01/2019 07:54

I think you should have a prenup for the house equity (reflecting the potential drop in value). But that's it, any future earnings, pensions etc should be joint as it's unfair with you looking after the children and losing earnings. You need to have a discussion about where your 7k has gone. If it's to pay half of the wedding then that's fair enough bit maybe keep it separate until you get married.

Boom76 · 17/01/2019 07:55

If it was the woman who had the assets she’d be told to protect it and not even marry to enable this. Why is it different for the man?

EngagedAgain · 17/01/2019 07:55

Hattie I think you summed it it up in your post at 24.42!

OrchidInTheSun · 17/01/2019 07:56

Because the man isn't giving up his career to raise their children Boom.

TeenTimesTwo · 17/01/2019 07:59

I don't think a pre-nup is unreasonable per se.

But

  • you need your own independent legal advice
  • it needs to cover you splitting up 2 years down the line with no children
  • but also recognise that 8 years down the line with 2 children is completely different.

Though I don't see particularly how doing a pre-nup after financially merging would help.

PurpleWithRed · 17/01/2019 08:00

We sort-of have a prenup - but we are a late marriage (both in our 50s), I brought my property to the marriage, he has a much better pension provision than I do, and there was never any chance of children. So we both put stuff of value into the property, and won't have children to protect in the future.

By all means have a prenup until children come along, but once kids are there and you have taken a big hit on your future earnings IMO the prenup should be ripped up.

Maybe your expensive solicitor should add a secondary level prenup that says from the moment you get pregnant the prenup is cancelled.

But I would be very very hurt by this.

Moussemoose · 17/01/2019 08:00

You are going to make yourself financially vulnerable to a man who thinks all his money is his.

If you weren't having children fair enough but if plan to have children and work p/t and he has this attitude you are being very foolish.

SushiMonster · 17/01/2019 08:03

Because the man isn't giving up his career to raise their children Boom

No women has to do this. It’s a choice.

EngagedAgain · 17/01/2019 08:06

Loopy has made a good point. Put off the having children and concentrate on your career. Gosh you're still so young. Know one knows how things can pan out and the decision has to be yours re. The children side of it if you're worried about fertility problems.
I find it a bit disturbing that a few people have mentioned counselling! What for exactly?

Onandonandons · 17/01/2019 08:08

This would be a big nope from me. It would make me think twice about the relationship. He's saying he doesn't trust you.

Dh and I bought a flat before we got married. The deposit was paid by me. I knew it was possible to draw up some kind of agreement to protect that money but I didn't care as it's not my money it's our money. I've also always earned more than him, except when I was studying. Therefore I've paid more into the mortgage. But we're a team.

HowardSpring · 17/01/2019 08:08

My best friend's daughter has just been screwed over by a husband who turned out to be very good at the "love" bit, the hearts and flowers bit the "treat her with respect and adoration" bit BUT was deeply in debt that she didn't know about and had lied about his ex wife and three kids living in a property that he owned, (he didn't own it). He had a gambling addiction and was a flashy spender. (Grand gestures - massive bouquets on Valentines day sort of thing)

Divorce is not going to serve her well. She is liable to lose a good proportion of her assets including stuff she worked for pre-marriage and that she inherited from her father.

She still loves him(!) ( "lovable rogue" type and very good looking) - but she is no-where now.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 17/01/2019 08:10

What has he said about the earnings you will lose? You're going part time so someone is available to raise the kids, this means your earnings drop. You're going to lose more than £150K by doing that. So why should you lose that, whilst he gets to protect It?

Prenups makes sense when there's multi millions involved, and high end or multiple properties. They really aren't needed for this level of money.

anniehm · 17/01/2019 08:12

He's being vu. Marriage is a partnership, you contributed your assets. I brought £120k of equity to our marriage and put into our first house we bought together (we never lived in my previous flat together as it was rented for a time due to us living overseas) - marriage is a time for sharing.

If you aren't wanting to share marriage isn't right imho. The only good news is that in the U.K. , all assets acquired during marriage eg pensions, savings and equity are joint assets as long as the marriage lasts more than a few years. If he just wishes to protect £150k, I suggest you negotiate and say ok, but you should have the £7k protected too.

pomobrokemypogo · 17/01/2019 08:12

Because the man isn't giving up his career to raise their children Boom

sushimonster.. No women has to do this. It’s a choice

Not true. Not all careers are compatible with having children without them being cared for by permanent nannies etc, and women may have birth injuries or PND which mean they have to stay off work or change to a less demanding job. Children can also be born or become unwell or disabled and need more than child-minding or nannying can provide.

If one is getting into what ifs and prenups, these what ifs need to be considered too.

yoyo1234 · 17/01/2019 08:15

I would be very wary. Also the idea of writing pensions ( often and especially if built up after the wedding at the expense of family money) really wrong. PP why have you accepted not getting pensions fairly divided this is often the biggest asset a person can have.

Somerville · 17/01/2019 08:15

You'd be mad to give up work to look after children FT with a man who doesn't want to provide you and them with a home should you split up. Absolutely mad.

FlipF · 17/01/2019 08:16

I think he should protect his house too. I'd want a pre-nup in his situation. I think the £7k is irrelevant. The OPs partner is currently earning 3 X what she is so if they have been pooling their money she has benefitted from far more than £7k.

At some point in the relationship, perhaps when you have kids, get married or buy a house together then I think all money bought in or capital increase can be joint.

I'd get the house valued and I'd happily sign something to say it was my partners. If you have confidence in the relationship then you won't have a problem doing it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/01/2019 08:19

It might be a choice, but it's one that a couple make because they both feel it benefits their family life. It's a lot easier to work full time and do what is needed for career advancement if you don't have to worry about childcare. School holidays are long, kids get sick at inconvenient times, bosses want you to travel abroad - not all of this can be covered by paid childcare.
My DH has had the stress of being the sole earner, but he's also had the benefits of total career freedom.
It was a choice we made - he wasn't doing me some great favour that means I owe him all the equity in our house should we divorce.

goldengummybear · 17/01/2019 08:20

I think that his money should be protected now until you are pregnant.

If you proceed with the prenup then you need it to say that once you're pregnant, if the relationship breaks down he needs to pay a cash amount so that you can get housing for you and the child(ren)

I don't understand about future earnings. Child Maintenance is normally a % of earnings.

I'd be happy for him to keep his pension money up to the point where he marries. After that I'd expect the % that I can claim to increase with the marriage.

Why is he getting married? It sounds like he'd be better off protecting the 150k. There'd be no claims on his pension etc so he'd only have to pay child maintenance and if you pay half the mortgage then your share of the house.

goldengummybear · 17/01/2019 08:21

I think it's fine for him to protect the current house but I'd expect 50% of the next house you bought together (including the 150k deposit assuming he pays this again)

Original poster
HappyHattie · 17/01/2019 08:22

My £7k savings went into the ‘pot’ they did get used on some stuff we needed- however our joint savings account currently has about £22k in it (approx £15k both our wages and £7k family contributions for wedding)

He doesn’t keep his wage from me - I have full access - so right now I’m in a safe financial position - I’m concerned about the hypothetical 10 years from now when he runs off with his secretary!

😞 feel awful saying it as he’s so optimistic and I’m just cynical

OP posts:
Ultramic · 17/01/2019 08:24

I bought 25k savings into my marriage. DH bought 400k.

He didn't ever mention a pre-nup or have any issues with us pooling what we had- but we were together 9 years before we married.

We're a team! I've made huge investments with our combined savings and there's just no way I could marry someone who was worried about what was theirs and what wasn't, personally.

I'd have felt the same if it was the other way around, too.

GabriellaMontez · 17/01/2019 08:24

Why has your 7k gone on his house if he earns 3x more? We this honestly a fair arrangement?

Is it agreed that you may nothing towards upkeep, repairs,maintenance etc. Would he have to pay if you needed a new roof and rewire?

If he left you in 10 years, part time with 8 yr old twins and a 6 year old. What would happen?

I'd want some very detailed answers to these questions and many more. And don't say "He'd never do that". He clearly doesn't think that about you.

Allthewaves · 17/01/2019 08:26

I think it's fine that he protects the current equity in the house. You don't have to be a vulnerable sahp. Set up a private pension that will equal value of his pension and make it a household bill. Separate savings accounts - have one each putting same amount in each account every month.

kaytee87 · 17/01/2019 08:28

He's not optimistic if he wants a pre nup......