DP wants a prenup!

[HappyHattie]

I’ve taken legal advice so fully understand how they do/don’t work- not looking for technical advice just opinions on whether IABU??

I am 27 DP is 32 - he earns 3x my salary. (mine is respectable and I’ve just completed a masters so will increase).

DP owned his home with about £150k of equity before we met. (He paid top end of the asking price so has not gained value and may lose a bit post Brexit)

Anyway we’re financially merged- joint accounts- I’ve never held anything back from him- including my £7k of savings when I moved in. (I know I still don’t match his income but still)

He did mention getting something in writing to protect his £150k much earlier in the relationship - fine, I was happy with that- my sibling has one as he had a large inheritance- I’ve always been independent!

But now we’re actually getting married - my £7k of savings has been swallowed up, I’m not yet named on the mortgage and we’re both wanting to start a family post wedding (2-3 kids).

The plan is I’ll drop down to PT - only today whilst talking it through with a solicitor did I realise how vulnerable I’ll be leaving myself!

I don’t want to have small children and work FT (my career is demanding and DP whilst eager to help is very much consumed by his career and often works away for short periods) I work with so many women who try to juggle this and their lives look miserable! I’d rather not have children than live like that!

So this evening I’ve been really deflated- feeling like I’m getting the shit end of the stick really - I’m not after his money (not at all) but equally I don’t really want to be drafting up a 14 page prenup which even the solicitor said ‘is likely to get quite complicated’

It also seems like it’s going to escalate from ‘protecting the £150k’ to also including inheritance, pensions, earnings...etc.

I didn’t sign up for not being a ‘team’ if I wanted to build a financial future alone - I wouldn’t be getting married.

I’m probably ABU 😞 but would appreciate some opinions!

(DP is a wonderful guy - honestly 10/10 on everything else but he had a really bad experience as a teen when he lost his parent and their very recent new spouse tried to take everything- think this has made him overly cautious)

I think you are not being realistic about how difficult it is to just ‘go back full time’ when the children are 18. Depending on your job, 20 years of part time work is likely to set your progress back considerably, whilst enabling his career. Do not assume that you will be able to earn as much as if you had been full time the whole time.

Also - where has the 75/25 come from? If that is the split now (his 150k is 75 percent of the house value) then you are giving up all increase in value of that amount, which could be quite substantial.

We are going to get something in writing to state that he will retain 75% of the profits upon future sale of our home whilst I would receive 25%.

What the fuck?

Just run. Now.

"It seems to be a very cultural thing that I've noticed on here: if you are married you must share all of your assets and earnings or what's the point of being together? "

It's in the marriage vows, so, yes, cultural I suppose. Also, some countries have a choice of regimes, separate or common assets and the UK doesn't.

I'd be fine with it so long as once children were involved it was null and void. At that point you're a family.

When don't you just adjust ownership of the house when you marry so his £150k (or £143k as you brought £7k in) is ringfenced then joint on everything else...

OP this is really really bad. You will not find a high paying job after being out of work for 20 years, you will definitely not walk into a good paying physically easy job after that long out of the job market.

Have a look on the job market see what you’d get with 20 year old qualifications and experience and nothing current. It will be minimum pay zero contract work not something you’d be able to support yourself on.

Why would you agree to this?

Get independent legal advice.

It’s great you want to give up work and have kids, but you are making your future very precarious giving yourself no financial buffer should the worse happen. And it very well could.

Don’t marry him, don’t have kids with him. See how things go for now and definitely move to London and get yourself a good paying career for now to start building your personal assets.

Don’t have children with him. You sacrifice a lot in having children and it doesn’t sound like he values what you contribute

So when your kids are 18, you’re homeless.

You must feel so cherished

OP this is a load of shit. You’ll have the kids, care for them, go PT...all the while knowing how vulnerable you are. And he, meanwhile, will be absolutely 100% satisfied, secure and supported, while you wifework around him.

This doesn't sound fair at all op ... please re think signing this prenup... it's obvious you think marriage is a partnership and are willing to take a back seat with your career to care for his children

Putting all the financial losses aside, being a SAHM isn't easy and is a huge commitment on your part! One that he won't even begin to understand or feel the effects of.

if my DP thought to protect himself first over his dc and me then that would raise huge red flags... you're becoming a family and yet you'll always be in his house knowing that you won't get a fair share at the end if it all goes tits up

Your partner is not a nice, loving man OP. He is treating you like a gold digger.

Move to London, get back on the career ladder and find someone who doesn't think £150k is worth more than having you in their life.

I just could not marry him. Just imagine after say 15 years and you're both fed up of one another - are you gonna be chucked out on the streets with him keeping the kids or something - you would have no money to go and live with the kids - forget about joint maintenance even - it would be every couple of weeks.

I’ll preface by saying - I’m saying this to help
YOU NEED TO WAKE THE FUCK UP

he will retain 75% of the profits upon future sale of our home whilst I would receive 25%. However, should we split with small children - I will remain in the home (with him paying 75% of all associated bills- as well as CM) until they’re all 18+ (Once they are school age I’d be back to FT anyway so could save a lot whilst only paying 25% of bills.) Pension/ earnings/ inheritance will not be included

This is a fucking awful offer. I know nothing about law but anyone who negotiates can see this. That you can’t is frankly, alarming.

You really need a professional to help negotiate for yourself if you want to continue with this which is a bloody awful idea IMO but honestly think about it...you are minimising your earnings by staying in the north, giving up work so screwing your pension, Your 7k is absorbed. This deal sucks for you....
You plan to give up work for kids but want to agree to keep pensions separate

I earn more than double my DP and he is a high earner. When (praise Jesus) he finally proposes I’ll ring fence my current property (~£500k no mortgage) but our new home and everything else will be totally 50/50. I don’t even want to, but am doing it because he has insisted I protect my assets. 🤷‍♀️

This guy is setting it up so he can fuck you big style and you seem to blandly be going along with it “to be nice”

Again WAKE THE FUCK UP

I think the most I would agree to would be him retaining his £150K equity that he had before you met. Anything else is just going to leave you in a very vulnerable position if you were ever to split. As others said, he is very keen on protecting himself at your expense and not trying to make things fair for you both.

As you are planning a family and part-time working to raise the children, thus negatively impacting on your future career prospects- and therefore earning potential- whilst he forges ahead with his career to have anything less than 50/50 split of assets gained during the marriage would leave you in a very vulnerable position financially. Unless he really doesn't want you to go part-time once/if you have children, your partner is essentially saying he is happy for you to give up your career and financial independence to further your combined choices re family- but is not happy to put finances in place to protect you should you split.

I'm not saying he should give you everything if you split, but some recognition that you have made career sacrifices and damaged your earning potential is essential.

I do not think I could marry someone who was not only keen on protecting themselves in the event of our split, but was happy for me to curtail my career and financial independence to go part-time to bring up our children, whilst simultaneously actively seeking to shaft me financially in the event of a divorce. He may love you but it looks like he loves his money more from where I am standing.

Say you split up when your kids are 10,12 and 14. You and the kids stay in the family home.

When youngest is 18 and in 6th form, the others will be 20 and 22. Probably still at uni.

You will have to sell the family home and give him 75% of the proceeds. You and the kids will be homeless.

You will have to find somewhere to live in the same area , so your child at school doesn’t have to leave . You will have to house and support the 4 of you because you will get no child support .

You probably wont be able to afford put the youngest through university anyway, as even the max student loan doesn’t cover living Costs in many areas .

Meanwhile your ex will have 75% of the assets and one person to support.

He will have the greatest income as he has never been part time and probably never done childcare or housework .

Yet you think this is a good deal ??????

Suggest you say if you have children, you both work full-time & pay equally for the childcare. Therefore you both protect your career, pension. The prenup sounds like he is not treating you as an equal now or in the future. He is not keen to share now or support a wife and children. Think very carefully before marriage and children with this person.

This is awful

And don't assume you will work full time when you have primary aged children. Who will pick them up at 3pm each day ?

How could you go about day to day knowing he would just be willing to o leave you with no house if he left you

It is absolutely a mistake to agree to any binding split of assets like this as so many things could change throughout your lives to make it untenable. Why should he want to keep the 150k from you, and in fact make more out of his current advantage?? When you marry what are the vows for? What's the point if you don't share what you each have? Why would you have children with someone you don't trust and love and want to share your good fortune with. You have let your savings be absorbed no questions asked, yes 7k proportionally not a lot but to you at your stage of life quite a lot, and you've given it so genuinely.

I actually despair of this. Its depressing how he is proposing to treat you. Please see sense!

honestly? He just not that into you.

Do NOT do this

Really depressing a woman could value herself so little to think 75:25 is fair

It would be different if he already had a multi-million business, or DC from a previous relationship

• still wouldn't be a good deal for you personally , but at least we could say he wasn't deliberately stitching you up

He'll have a brilliant career with a PT / SAHP to take care of everything else

That 25% will in no way make up for the destruction of your career, or enable you to buy a home if you split up
Once the kids are grown, you'd be without a home or anything like a decent pension

In addition to all the other yelling "Don't Do This", I saw you were spending some of your savings on house decor and improvements.

No, just no. That money has been thrown away. You don't own the house, you're not yet married and he wants a pre-nup to keep the house anyway. Never put money into someone else's house, unless that money is protected.

Frankly, LTB.

I'd ringfence the £150k for him. And then everything else left to the court (so dependent on all circumstances at the relevant time).

Nothing more. And I think prenups are a good thing!

Canibuildasnowman - I agree totally ! Tell him 50/50 or you will end the relationship. If you end it, ask for the 7k back or ideally walk away without the 7k & tell him that you will find someone who values you for 50/50 & you will save the 7k for a better future with someone else !

Oooch your getting a rough ride on this thread OP (and slightly in RL too)

Myself and DH kind of have a prenup as when we bought our house it had to go in my name for the first few years due to him being made redundant just before completion.

So we have a notice of interest drawn up (before we were married) which protects his contribution to the deposit (much larger than mine) and mine if we were to split/divorce. Anything above and beyond the initial deposit take outs is then split 50/50. We are in Scotland though so anything DH owned before marriage would actually remain his but you get the gist!

I agree with others that the 75/25 split forever and a day potentially is unwise but it could be initial protection of his investment of the property covered.

We make a joke of our "prenup" it's not caused any issues but him not being on the deeds/mortgage stung a lot for him. We changed that when we remortgaged so he feels a lot happier. I suggest that you get yourself on the name of the mortgage and deeds as well as the agreement sorted.

Not only is this really stupid financially and legally but it should put any intelligent woman off this man for good.

This is not just a prenup: it’s a statement of intent for your entire marriage.

Even under the revised offer, I think you would be better off being his paid nanny and housekeeper than his wife. At least you'd be able to save and buy your own property.

How much was the house worth when he bought it OP? Because if it was more than 300k he's offering you a bum deal. The fairest way of protecting his 150k, if that's what you really want to do, would be to work out what percentage of the total value of the house 150k was at time of purchase. If you split he gets that percentage of the equity first, and then you split the remaining equity equally.

If he runs off with his secretary when you are 50, he'll keep the family home by buying you out of your 25%, any adult children will stay with him because he still has the house, and you will be living in a bedsit without your children and having kissed your earning power away.