DP wants a prenup!

[HappyHattie]

I’ve taken legal advice so fully understand how they do/don’t work- not looking for technical advice just opinions on whether IABU??

I am 27 DP is 32 - he earns 3x my salary. (mine is respectable and I’ve just completed a masters so will increase).

DP owned his home with about £150k of equity before we met. (He paid top end of the asking price so has not gained value and may lose a bit post Brexit)

Anyway we’re financially merged- joint accounts- I’ve never held anything back from him- including my £7k of savings when I moved in. (I know I still don’t match his income but still)

He did mention getting something in writing to protect his £150k much earlier in the relationship - fine, I was happy with that- my sibling has one as he had a large inheritance- I’ve always been independent!

But now we’re actually getting married - my £7k of savings has been swallowed up, I’m not yet named on the mortgage and we’re both wanting to start a family post wedding (2-3 kids).

The plan is I’ll drop down to PT - only today whilst talking it through with a solicitor did I realise how vulnerable I’ll be leaving myself!

I don’t want to have small children and work FT (my career is demanding and DP whilst eager to help is very much consumed by his career and often works away for short periods) I work with so many women who try to juggle this and their lives look miserable! I’d rather not have children than live like that!

So this evening I’ve been really deflated- feeling like I’m getting the shit end of the stick really - I’m not after his money (not at all) but equally I don’t really want to be drafting up a 14 page prenup which even the solicitor said ‘is likely to get quite complicated’

It also seems like it’s going to escalate from ‘protecting the £150k’ to also including inheritance, pensions, earnings...etc.

I didn’t sign up for not being a ‘team’ if I wanted to build a financial future alone - I wouldn’t be getting married.

I’m probably ABU 😞 but would appreciate some opinions!

(DP is a wonderful guy - honestly 10/10 on everything else but he had a really bad experience as a teen when he lost his parent and their very recent new spouse tried to take everything- think this has made him overly cautious)

He happily let you sink your entire savings into HIS house that he wants to legally detach you from.

OP, just no.

You need advice from your own, independent solicitor. Not his.

OP GET YOUR OWN LAWYER! You're getting legal advice from someone paid to advise him primarily** (as he did!).

At the very least do not sign anything until you take it to a different lawyer from a different practice. He will have no problem with you doing this alone as he will want you to be happy.

And yes bold caps because I'm shouting - don't rely on his goodheartedness! You're organising a legal document, not a manifestation of love. Use a legal head for legal things.

I don’t know anything about pre nups or what most consider fair. My circumstances were that when we married, my husband had a house that had increased substantially in value, had just received a decent amount of inheritance, and earned a third more than me. I asked if he wanted to protect any of his assets before getting married. He was actually quite offended. Said that we were a team & he wanted everything to be legally half mine. That’s what he was signing up for by marrying me. I have since sacrificed a lot financially through being at home with our son, but we’ve made those decisions together depending on what we both wanted to do with our time. My husband is really conscious of things like my pension etc and making sure we remain financially equal. For me, it shows how important he sees me as an individual and how he sees us as a team.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

Sounds like you’re planning to enter a business agreement rather than a marriage / family

What's the situation now with bills? As he earns 3x more than you, is he paying 75% of every bill you pay 25% of? No? How did I guess.

You say you'll go part time when the kids are in school - have you any idea how difficult that would be? The nursery years are the easiest - they are in 1 place 7.30-6.30. You'll need to find breakfast club, after school provison, holiday clubs - usually only 9-5. And will he expect you to pay 50% of all of those bills from your part time salary?

You may love him but you are not on the same page here about what a partnership is. He's told you what he thinks - you are worth 25% of him, and he'll see you and your children homeless if he feels like it.

Can you see all the other women on this thread whose DH's have not thought like that? Find one of those type of men!

Dh got genuinely upset with me when I wasn’t earning and said that made me feel bad about buying some boots. He was very clear that all our money was both of ours as he happened to be earning while I was looking after dds.

What Can I build a snowman said - he's just not that into you (this). Also previous poster Ellie m, it sounds like a business arrangement. I think they've summed it up.

To everyone saying ‘get your own lawyer’ she has her own lawyer. Independent legal advice is necessary for the prenup to stand a hope of being considered and her DP will know this, so clearly the lawyer will be independent.

It is usual for the financially stronger party to pay the others costs. This is to make sure they can afford good advice. And nothing the OP has posted about her lawyer sugggests the lawyer is inadequate.

I would accept it however with arrival of fist child the agreement becomes null and void.

I wouldn't be marrying this man . Most definitely not having kids with him. You'd be mad to

The £7k you technically invested in his home, assuming you have all the proofs you should be able to get back in the event of divorce. If the value of the house increase then that 7k should form x percentage of whatever the value of the house is at that time.

Having said that, this is not the type of man that views marriage as a partnership, but with all the comments on here OP. It seems as if you've made up your mind. Yes his experiences where bad growing up, so we're many other people. What if he suddenly becomes unemployed. You have no actual career. You spent serious money on a masters to not actually make anything off it. Invest in yourself first, before investing in anyone else. Do that now whilst you don't have kids. It's much easier to do and tell him goodbye.

Going by his line of thought if you have a baby you can sweetly present him with a bill of what a full time nanny and house keeper would cost and he can pay it so you can save for a rental property so you have some security outside the marriage. That’s the equivalent of what he is doing so he can’t complain.

When I married my dh, my assets and his assets became our assets. I reduced my hours in work following the birth of our ds- if I didn't have the security of our marriage this would put me in a vulnerable position financially. But even prior to our marriage (once things were serious and we lived together) we always talked in terms of us and ours rather than yours and mine!

I think it is ridiculous to think in terms of how much monetary value an individual brings to a relationship, you aren't some gold digger, you are planning a life with this man. It would make me question how much 'value' will he put on your 'contribution' once you have children and are not earning a full time wage.. I understand why you have issues with this and I don't think yabu! X

Why would you only have 25% of profit? Where is this figure from?!

What if he left you, became self employed and hid his income and couldn't pay child maintenance or bills? Think he'd never do that? He's playing the 'What if she left me and took half the house ' game i think it's time you joined in and protected yourself.

Doesn't sound like the basis for a loving, trusting marriage into which you are possibly going to bring children.

Your update seems even worse to be honest. I could sort of understand protecting the initial capital in the house (but even then at your stage of life it is a fairly mercenary decision that lots of couples won’t make) but the rest is getting silly. If you were in your 50s, had other children to consider etc I could understand a prenup more.

Please do not underestimate how much earning potential you are giving up. I have seen my career stagnate while I’ve been on mat leave and part time. My husband’s has gone from strength to strength. At a gross level I’m earning 3/5 of what I previously did , an unlikely to ever be promoted until I go full time and the differential in pay is now massive. However, our set up gives us a nice balance we both like, we share everything equally and he does not begrudge supporting us financially. We are a family and one day it might be me that is supporting him financially if he later takes a step back, is sick etc.

You can’t predict how life will go but he is showing what he values and at this point it seems to be money.

What an preposterous suggestion that all assets are split 25:75 in the event that the marriage ends sometime in the future. I feel so angry for you just reading this! It's a recipe for disaster for you in th elong term.

It's absolutely ridiculous, given that the actual amount he's trying to protect is only £75K. (He'd get the other £75K anyway as his share of the equity without any prenup).

Why would you agree to this very unfair 'deal'? There's nothing positive in it for you, or your future children, at all. You won't be able to sue him if he can't or won't pay his 75% of CM and bills. There's a very high possibility you would be homeless with young children, or after they have grown up.

You are financially trapping yourself forever by agreeing to this option. £75k is a mere drop in the ocean compared to your loss of earnings by not being London based now (because he doesn't want to move) and over the coming years when you have children.

Just think, even over 5 years you could probably earn an average of 15K more a year in London, but don't have this opportunity due to his wish to stay more North. Look at it over 10 years and taking into account your child bearing and rearing etc. and your loss of earnings (even if you stay local) become even more appalling!

Also, the deal that you stay in the house is NOT a good one! You may desperately want or need to move out of the house if you split up. What would happen then? Why commit yourself to something in the future that you can have no idea about what you may want then?

Ringfencing his £150k may be appropriate for the first few years (3to 5 years) of child free marriage, but when your first child arrives, then it needs to be torn up, and he takes his chances in an equal partnership and marriage the same as most other couples do. The courts will help divide the assets if you divorce, taking into account all the circumstances at the time.

Life has a very odd way of things happening in very unexpected ways, and it's really not possible to cover all the future possible scenarios. I really cant think of one scenario where you'd come out of this marriage that would be fair, and allow you to live in even a modest but reasonable way and not be financially dependent on his largesse and keeping his side of the bargain about paying 75% of the bills etc.

If you ever become a single parent, I can assure you that you WILL want to have control over your own finances and hence your own decisions/choices in other aspects of your life.

Your fiance seems to be very keen on having financial control over you for ever- even in a divorce scenario! This is a huge red flag which you really need to think about. He is not thinking about your best long term interests at all.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Actually about that comment of him just not being into you - don't let that bother you, because it's likely he will be like it with anyone.

I think he should just accept that if children are involved, you are likely to be paying in less during those years. I can’t understand it, frankly, money issues only get more aggravating during a marriage, not less, you need to be agreed beforehand and this a PreNup presupposes you both aren’t.

IMO if you are considering a pre nup then you are not intending to stay married "until death do you part"

I’m pretty sure this has been covered but @gunpowder does not know what they are talking about so please do not rely on their advice.

If he wants to "protect" all of these things, marriage is not for him. I would be very wary of this. Marriage should be an equal partnership and if you are intending to focus more on children that's just a valid as earning the money. Marriage exists to simplify the financial and legal relationship between two people, not make things more complicated. What if he is incapacitated at some point and you start earning more? Do you need to constantly update the pre-nup?

Surely when you marry you will be entitled to half the house anyway? If the unthinkable happened?