DP wants a prenup!

[HappyHattie]

I’ve taken legal advice so fully understand how they do/don’t work- not looking for technical advice just opinions on whether IABU??

I am 27 DP is 32 - he earns 3x my salary. (mine is respectable and I’ve just completed a masters so will increase).

DP owned his home with about £150k of equity before we met. (He paid top end of the asking price so has not gained value and may lose a bit post Brexit)

Anyway we’re financially merged- joint accounts- I’ve never held anything back from him- including my £7k of savings when I moved in. (I know I still don’t match his income but still)

He did mention getting something in writing to protect his £150k much earlier in the relationship - fine, I was happy with that- my sibling has one as he had a large inheritance- I’ve always been independent!

But now we’re actually getting married - my £7k of savings has been swallowed up, I’m not yet named on the mortgage and we’re both wanting to start a family post wedding (2-3 kids).

The plan is I’ll drop down to PT - only today whilst talking it through with a solicitor did I realise how vulnerable I’ll be leaving myself!

I don’t want to have small children and work FT (my career is demanding and DP whilst eager to help is very much consumed by his career and often works away for short periods) I work with so many women who try to juggle this and their lives look miserable! I’d rather not have children than live like that!

So this evening I’ve been really deflated- feeling like I’m getting the shit end of the stick really - I’m not after his money (not at all) but equally I don’t really want to be drafting up a 14 page prenup which even the solicitor said ‘is likely to get quite complicated’

It also seems like it’s going to escalate from ‘protecting the £150k’ to also including inheritance, pensions, earnings...etc.

I didn’t sign up for not being a ‘team’ if I wanted to build a financial future alone - I wouldn’t be getting married.

I’m probably ABU 😞 but would appreciate some opinions!

(DP is a wonderful guy - honestly 10/10 on everything else but he had a really bad experience as a teen when he lost his parent and their very recent new spouse tried to take everything- think this has made him overly cautious)

You both need separate solicitors by the way if you want any chance of the prenup being legally bniding.

The solicitor for him is not alowed to leave stuff out or they would be negligent. They have to deal with all relevant possible financial things even if it is to say pensions will be divided 50/50 on divorce.

he will retain 75% of the profits upon future sale of our home whilst I would receive 25%.

No way!!
That is not fair
You will be married
He can protect 150k as a % but why should he get 75 % equity due to house price rises?

@HappyHattie if I were you I would include things like inheritance/pensions/etc in the prenup as a 50/50 split.

Also it's all well and good for him to say what he wants, but arranging a pre nup isn't a 1 appointment trip to a solicitor. Will he be paying for your legal advice as it is him who wants the pre nup?

Discussions will go back and forth between your solicitor and his. Your solicitor should advise you as to whether they think what your DP is putting forward is beneficial for you as well, not just covering your DP.

He cannot just go to a solicitor, decide what he wants, and then have you agree to it.

Savings out of your pt income? I doubt you’ll be in a position to buy a decent property with only 25% of equity and part time does limit your career not just earnings, in the sense that it’s virtually impossible to get a promotion in many places when pt. Meanwhile he is getting the lions share of equity and is also earning and progressing. This is a pretty depressing start to marriage! I’m normally quite practical but I would worry for the above reasons op.

According to gunpowder, she's a press officer.

If you split then sell the house and you tske 100 % equity to house you and dc

It never ceases to amaze me what women will tolerate in the name of love.

Good luck with what he's "agreeing" to, OP. Let's hope you never need to test his integrity.

I would absolutely get a pre nup and have done since they are enforceable in my jurisdiction. I also got a cohabitation agreement when we moved in beforehand- also enforceable as I had assets and he had none other than a pension which he got to keep as part of the arrangement. Transpires I did the absolutely right thing as hubby turned out to be a compulsive gambler so I've saved loosing the roof over my Childrens heads. Would 100% do it again and if new person refused that would be the end of the relationship. That being said you need better advice - why should your £7k, pensions etc not be protected? There's no reason not to protect what each of you brought into the relationship but leave the rest as 50/50 in the event you have children as inevitably you will be the one who looses out financially by giving birth and he is the one who can walk away. I would however question why you refer to it as his house - while legally it's his, you should feel like it's "ours" in every other sense. If you don't it's maybe a warning sign of what lies ahead? If he doesn't want to sell, could he rent it out and you buy jointly? If you both differ on your views on finances this much, I think you need to assess whether you want to proceed with the wedding - is he going to expect you to pay your way of you are on mat leave for example? Sorry - not much help I know! Good luck

I was on here a month or so asking for advice as to whether I should get pre nup drawn up before I marry my husband (I'm significantly better off than him)
The majority of you told me to do it! Why is what he doing any different?!

I quite like the idea of a pre-nup as a tool for deciding what is fair incase you ever hate wash other. It's rational, and it's about what is wanting what is fair when you are rational. However it doesn't sit right with me when there is massive inequality in finances. Marrying him and having children with him will greatly impact your earning capacity. Not just your missed opportunity for progression equal to him, but because he can't move to London with you. He is grounding you in more ways than one. On top of that, you don't even get to choose where you live in his work area because of the house he bought at the price he bought it. You will be the one making bigger sacrifices in the name of your relationship. Has he not considered that? You may be willing to let it go now but when the spark wears off (and it always does) then it will begin to chip away at you.

^I was on here a month or so asking for advice as to whether I should get pre nup drawn up before I marry my husband (I'm significantly better off than him)
The majority of you told me to do it! Why is what he doing any different?!^

This, with fucking bells on.

It is a difficult one.

On the one hand no one gets married intending to divorce (hopefully). On the other a huge percentage of marriages do end in divorce and why should marriage be about gaining someone else’s money if you no longer want to be with them?

I think a pre nup is quite sensible but does need to be fair and take a lot into account, such as loss of earnings and career progression should one partner stay at home (assuming both want that to happen).

The reality is that it would fiendishly complex to draft one which would take into account all the permutations of work and children going forwards.

However some kind of broad guideline does seem reasonable so both know what they have committed to and roughly what would happen if it does not work out.

Just focus on it being an agreement - that you can negotiate and then sign or not sign.

I think your 7k is a red herring becuase your current shared pot exceeds double that amount.

I think you need a stake in the house. I think you need a share of pension and future earnings if you go p/t. I think if you can’t agree then you don’t sign.

(And I know someone who signed a pre-nup stipulating how many children they agreed to have!)

@thinkingcapon because you are a woman. Your husband would be at no risk of slower or no progression in his career due to him becoming pregnant with your child, lower chances of him being the sole SAHP/resident parent of you split. That's ultimately the issue here.

Question for the lawyers here- although prenups aren’t binding now, is it possible that the law could shift towards wider acceptance of them under English law, so that in 20 years from now they may carry more weight?

OP the prenup does not sit well with me because it is inconsistent with what marriage means to me. YANBU

Thinknigcapon I didn’t see your pre-nup thread. But did you ask whether you should have a pre-nup drawn up to not only safe guard the assets you bring to the marriage, but also any assets you amass during your marriage, whilst your partner takes a hit in their salary by taking time out from their career due to mutual agreement to bring up your children? Whilst you absorb all your partners savings they bring in to the marriage. Are you also living in an area which immediately disadvantages your partners earning capacity in order to ensure your earning capacity is not affected?

If so then I personally think you shouldn’t be marrying your partner you should let them live and thrive instead of playing second fiddle to your career and enable you to have a family life which you otherwise would not enjoy.

You assume we have children slapinthebass?

Christ that reads like a divorce Consent Order in advance

thinkingcapon

Is your husband going to give up work to be a SAHD?

You assume we have children slapinthebass?

If you don't have kids and both continue working, then separate assets is much more reasonable.

Starry sky, your second paragraph exactly!

I wouldn't agree to this. What if you split up he runs of with his secretary when your youngest is 17.
You'd be kicked out the house with only 25% a year later. A marriage should be equal and if you have children, even if one earns less they still contribute by providing more childcare.

I would only agree as an absolute max to him getting his 150k back in the event of divorce with NO children. But beyond that no way.

It's a difficult one. I have about £250k 'equity' in my property which DP hasn't paid into. I want to ensure that is protected for my DS (not DP's).

However OP is embarking on a marriage and family. So a different scenario.

Perhaps there is a way this can be done on some sort of sliding scale. So if you split after 1 year then you both walk away with what you brought in. After 5 years with a different split. After DC or say 10 years the prenup becomes null and void as you have a long term marriage/dependants.

I would also say if you do go part-time to ensure that an equal amount is paid into your pension during this time. This is good for both of you as it means less claim on each other's (you on his as the higher earner) if the worst happens and more paid into the pension.

Surely it’s easier to ditch the pre nup and then if you do divorce a judge decides what’s fair taking into account the whole picture? I can see the reason for a pre nup with a second marriage protecting kids from previous relationship but there’s a reason why your average couple starting out - which these two are - don’t get normally get them done

I’m not sure I’d want to marry someone who would willingly see my and ‘our’ dc financially worse off. Not to mention that it’s actually ‘his’ doing that is causing you to be worse off. It’s like he’ll happily see you with no house, no pension or maintenance whilst being the main Carer for your dc, this not forwarding your career whilst he sits happily in his house that’s paid off and good job whilst paying nothing. Sorry that’s not someone I’d want to be with