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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants a prenup!

590 replies

HappyHattie · 17/01/2019 00:05

I’ve taken legal advice so fully understand how they do/don’t work- not looking for technical advice just opinions on whether IABU??

I am 27 DP is 32 - he earns 3x my salary. (mine is respectable and I’ve just completed a masters so will increase).

DP owned his home with about £150k of equity before we met. (He paid top end of the asking price so has not gained value and may lose a bit post Brexit)

Anyway we’re financially merged- joint accounts- I’ve never held anything back from him- including my £7k of savings when I moved in. (I know I still don’t match his income but still)

He did mention getting something in writing to protect his £150k much earlier in the relationship - fine, I was happy with that- my sibling has one as he had a large inheritance- I’ve always been independent!

But now we’re actually getting married - my £7k of savings has been swallowed up, I’m not yet named on the mortgage and we’re both wanting to start a family post wedding (2-3 kids).

The plan is I’ll drop down to PT - only today whilst talking it through with a solicitor did I realise how vulnerable I’ll be leaving myself!

I don’t want to have small children and work FT (my career is demanding and DP whilst eager to help is very much consumed by his career and often works away for short periods) I work with so many women who try to juggle this and their lives look miserable! I’d rather not have children than live like that!

So this evening I’ve been really deflated- feeling like I’m getting the shit end of the stick really - I’m not after his money (not at all) but equally I don’t really want to be drafting up a 14 page prenup which even the solicitor said ‘is likely to get quite complicated’

It also seems like it’s going to escalate from ‘protecting the £150k’ to also including inheritance, pensions, earnings...etc.

I didn’t sign up for not being a ‘team’ if I wanted to build a financial future alone - I wouldn’t be getting married.

I’m probably ABU 😞 but would appreciate some opinions!

(DP is a wonderful guy - honestly 10/10 on everything else but he had a really bad experience as a teen when he lost his parent and their very recent new spouse tried to take everything- think this has made him overly cautious)

OP posts:
Canibuildasnowman · 17/01/2019 14:58

The more I think about this the more I would refuse to sign a pre- nup and see what he says. It's not the 150k you should worry about - it's the future, your earnings, your kids. Tell him honestly how vunerable you feel you will be left - if he tries the but you can trust me, I would never route, throw that back at him, trust works both ways.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 17/01/2019 15:05

I would no sign a prenup in this situation. Marriage is the combining of assets as much as anything else and he’s not entering into it in that spirit. You are more vulnerable as a woman once you have kids, and the payback of that from marriage is a certain amount of protection. I would look upon a partner very poorly if their values didn’t tie in with mine in that regard.

SarahSissions · 17/01/2019 15:10

If you have paid into home improvements and can document this then you have a claim on the house anyway.
Not to be snobby, or too caviller about money but £150k is pretty small to consider protecting with a pre-nup. Unless he is in line for a major inheritance he seems cautious to the point of mean insisting on this

Butterfly84 · 17/01/2019 15:12

I would not marry him if you plan to have children. If your relationship deteriorated and you needed to leave, you would have nothing. Don't do it.

WH1SPERS · 17/01/2019 15:24

Why are you paying “ your half “ of current costs when he earns three times your salary ?

Flynnshine · 17/01/2019 15:36

@HappyHattie @MumW I think you should both read the thread I started on Saturday and some of the responses I received....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3477022-to-think-that-lots-of-men-think-this-way?msgid=84198492

If you give up your full time career, go part time to care for the children and take the pressure off him in that respect (so he can keep working full time and progress without having to worry about the 'home stuff' you are leaving yourself wide open to be shafted in the future (going on the responses to my thread)
Be warned, it got quite nasty!

MsTSwift · 17/01/2019 16:03

Who the hell does he think he is? Hmm. Wants to protect his poxy £150k whilst you will give up way more than that if you compromise your earning power to raise his kids and wash his pants. I sort of get pre nups if one is extremely wealthy and there would be enough in the pot to support both on divorce. But with a small estate like this it’s a pathetic thing to do. Dh and I a team what’s mine is his and vice versa. Our contributions fluctuated. If we split we agree what’s fair taking everything into account including children’s needs. If we can’t agree a judge decides. What’s the point of you getting married if no mutual support

Bellasorellaa · 17/01/2019 16:25

i have about half your dh money in savings and i would want a pre nup with someone who only had 7k

sorry not to be rude but i absolutely understand his position

cuppycakey · 17/01/2019 16:29

I would not marry him if he expects you to bear his children and give up your career. You are the one sacrificing everything whilst he protects his financial assets.

Fuck that shit.

Jux · 17/01/2019 16:30

Look, just move to London, get a decent job which helps your career and see where you are and how you both feel in 6 months time, or better yet, a yrear. Your career prospects are important too. You could end up out-earning him, couldn't you?

Is he a salesman? He sounds like one, with the talk of areas and so on. He ha access to money, trust fund? family money? which means he can afford not to be ambitious so you could find that what you have now is all you'll ever have with him.

Postpone the wedding - he doesn't trust you and he doesn't think of you both as a team, equal and together.

Somerville · 17/01/2019 16:31

Jux has it.

Awrite · 17/01/2019 16:34

I can't believe you are actually considering signing a prenup in these circumstances.

More fool you if you do. You have definitely been warned.

You have already reduced your earning power by being tied to this man. Your chance to own property.

You want to further reduce your earning power and sign away all protection?

Thought you said you had a Master's degree.

Jarstastic · 17/01/2019 16:38

Does he actually want you to or been expecting or encouraging you to go part time, or is that mainly your desire?

LannieDuck · 17/01/2019 16:38

I would think it was reasonable on his part if he were the one giving up work to look after the kids. In which case, ensuring he retains his current assets in the case of divorce would be really sensible.

But he seems to want you to take all the risks, and all of his risk to be protected.

Personally, I wouldn't give up work in those circumstances. You'd be so incredibly vulnerable if you split.

(Incidentally, did he at least match your £7k with £7k of his own savings?)

IrmaFayLear · 17/01/2019 16:44

If I were to meet (a single) Bill Gates and consider marriage, and he suggested a pre-nup, I'd think he had a reasonable point, as it wouldn't be fair for me to bag his billions in the event of the marriage failing.

Otoh, two young people starting out, and one doesn't want to share the £150K tied up in the home they live in... er, no. And as for including future earnings, pension and inheritances - no way! That is no marriage!

I would seriously reconsider this relationship as his attitude to money is a big red flag.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 17/01/2019 16:46

So he wants to protect his assets but is perfectly happy for you to be vulnerable having children and the effect that might have on your career and ability to earn? Hmm

IrmaFayLear · 17/01/2019 16:54

Hmmm, just re-read your OP and it looks as if you have it all planned that you want to be a SAHM/part-time and your dh support you... but you've picked the wrong bloke.

Plenty of men are happy if their wife stays at home. Forever. But mark my words, every single divorce I've known where a SAHM is involved, it has been precipitated by the dh suggesting the wife goes back to work. It's uncanny. And if even before you've got married - or engaged - your dp is chuntering on about finances... bad news. He is not going to be laid back about you staying home. You read hundreds of threads on MN about a dh saying the wife isn't pulling her weight, or should pay for things out of savings etc etc.

Habadabadoo · 17/01/2019 17:01

Get the prenup op. Make sure it works for you too- once you have children it can protect you.
This in no way takes away from how much he loves you and wants to marry you. This is a normal thing for him and his family. His solicitor has probably prepared it for him - now it's your turn to adjust it to suit you.
For those saying marriage is about sharing assets and trust - HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THE DIVORCE RATES?! Why should someone walk away with half of the other persons assets (acquired before they met) after eg a year of being married Confused.

Bluelady · 17/01/2019 17:13

What is the point of getting married in this scenario? I distinctly remember my marriage vows included "All that I have, I share with you", the updated version of "With all my worldly goods I thee endow". So you kick off a marriage with vows you have no intention of keeping. Sounds pretty rubbish to me. Is he going to discount all the others when it suits him?

Moussemoose · 17/01/2019 17:25

He wants to secure his past assets while expecting you to sacrifice your future assets.

Your potential earns don't count. He doesn't care cos he has his money tucked away.

Original poster
HappyHattie · 17/01/2019 17:25

I know a lot of you think I should just carry on working FT and be totally independent post children. The thing is, that’s not what I want. I respect those who do it but to me the options are don’t have them, or have them and work PT. Both viable options.

I’ve spoken to DP about my concerns and, credit to him, he agrees with me.

We are going to get something in writing to state that he will retain 75% of the profits upon future sale of our home whilst I would receive 25%.
However, should we split with small children - I will remain in the home (with him paying 75% of all associated bills- as well as CM) until they’re all 18+ (Once they are school age I’d be back to FT anyway so could save a lot whilst only paying 25% of bills.)

Pension/ earnings/ inheritance will not be included so everything will be split equally (we are a team)!

To those of you saying ‘it’s a small amount’ well yes it’s not huge but had inheritance, earnings and pension all been taken into account that would be well in excess of £1m by the time we were both in our 50’s-60’s - so worth thinking about now!

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyHattie · 17/01/2019 17:29

He said he had not asked the solicitor to include any of the ‘extra stuff’ like inheritance/savings/pension..etc and was as surprised as I was in the meeting. He’s happy to not take that into account.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 17/01/2019 17:29

Depressing. Cannot imagine getting married to someone who trusts me so little they need a pre nup. Wouldn’t see me for dust.

bastardkitty · 17/01/2019 17:29

I think you have your blinkers firmly on here OP.

dombeyandson · 17/01/2019 17:36

@gunpowdergelatine are you a solicitor? I assume you must be if you're going against the bespoke paid-for legal advice the OP has received from a professional.