Money whats fair and whats expected?

[reign]

I'm 23 and pregnant with twins, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and are excited about the prospect although it does feel earlier than planned. The added bonus of an extra baby has also made us worry about money.

Long story short we own a house, I'm on £30k a year he's on £45k. Currently we split all house costs down the middle and pay into a joint account for food etc. We've agreed we are going to pool our salaries together paying a 40/60 split of household expenses as I intend to go to 3 and a half days once I've finished maternity leave.

So my questions are -

1. Is this a fair arrangement... I feel bad 'taking' his money.
2. I currently cook ALL the food we both eat because he's useless but I'm worried about doing this and having two babies... He wants to get meal delivery kits to cook for his days, but this seems like to much of an added cost.
3. Is money going to feel super tight on combined salary of £66k plus paying for three days of nursery for two kids.

Thanks!

It’s not taking his money, it’s supporting his family!

Er ... Plenty of us manage on a far lower income than £66K.

That sounds like a huge salary to me!

I would have thought you've got it worked out. Are you married? It might be worthwhile. I know no one ever wants to think about splitting up, but if you work part-time and therefore take a career hit, you'd end up worse off when you split, and being married might protect you a bit.

I think him paying more is fair, both because he's earning more and because obviously if you weren't working part time you'd both need to pay more for nursery. Effectively you are 'working' for the price of nursery care, if you like.

Frankly, I do think it is a bit lazy that he wants to do food delivery, but maybe on that income you can afford it!

I'd also suggest (based on seeing a lot of MN threads!) it's worth discussing crucial things like what your expectations of night-time wake-ups are, what your expectations of 'free time' or 'leisure time' are, and what happens if (god forbid) you have either a complicated labour or a sick child to be taking into account, and you either need a lot of support, or can't go back to work for a while.

Seriously, in this situation I think completely shared finances are the way forward.

Do you mean you completely own the house outright?

(And no 2is odd. How do share out the contribution of gestating and birthing twobabies??).

66k sounds like a great salary, but I'd suggest you look into how much nursery is going to cost for 2 children. That's going to eat up alot!!!!

You're not "taking" his money! He only has the opportunity to earn his salary because you'll be home on mat leave looking after his kids; and when you go back part-time, saving you both money on childcare.

You have a huge combined salary but meal kits will add up (and awful for the environment); it might be a better investment for him to take a cookery course or start learning now at home – he could take responsibility for stocking the freezer with meals for right after the babies arrive. Cooking's not difficult, he needs to learn.

I meant sharing out the cooking post babies being born, I have very little experience of babies and all reviews I've been given make me feel like being with twin babies then spending an hour making tea (which I usually do) might not work so well..

Sit down and work numbers out to see if it's going to be tight

How much is your mortgage. We can't comment otherwise on tightness.

You need to share all finances imo. You are a family.

And tbh toast with beans/egg egg and takeaways featured heavily with young babies

We aren't married, and we own the house but have a mortgage on it. We are currently just spending his salary and all of mine is being set aside for when I'm on maternity leave.

I've always been super independent financially so find it kind of scary (if thats the right expression) being a considerably lower earner and being reliant financially on my boyfriend!

I've spoken to a nursery locally (that I love!) and it's looking like around £1250 a month. My mum has already said she'll watch the the half day and has offered more but I don't know how this will be in practice.

Also I've sort of let him not cook because I love doing it, his idea of cooking a meal is a bacon sandwich.

An hour cooking dinner with twins sounds mightily unrealistic unless he looks after them whilst you cook.
Actually you might want to volunteer to cook every night whilst he looks after them. A change is as good as a rest and all that...

Hang on ....

You are not married

Why are you reducing your working hours, long term career prospects and reducing your pension??? If you split up (statistically likely) you will get none of that back.

I suggest you factor that in to the calculations when splitting finances. You must be saving him money, as well as you, by going part time. He puts that money into your pension. Or perhaps both work 4 day weeks?

We pay £1100 on the mortgage a month. We've overpaid so potentially will go interest only when i'm on maternity leave.

So you work 5 days for 30K, and will be earning then 21K when you go down to 3.5 days? And he is earning more than twice at 45K. He's taking the piss if he agrees you pay everything 40/60. Think about it - he will have a ton more money left over. Which is fair enough if you decided to go part time because you want to sit on the sofa - but you're losing income as you are taking care of joint children.

Fairer: pool all the money. Pay all household costs (incl any child related ones). Share the rest.

Also I've sort of let him not cook because I love doing it, his idea of cooking a meal is a bacon sandwich.

You might find that after the babies arrive, a bacon sandwich for tea is all either of you have the energy for! Plus less mess. My DP loves to cook, as do I, but we're trying to wind down our Ottolenghi ideals and keep it simple with beans on toast, fish finger sandwich type stuff for when our baby arrives.

Since you're not married, do you have a cohabitation agreement in place done by a solicitor to protect you? Generally you need to update these once you have children.

I work for a big firm, I'd be able to increase my hours easily if I wanted to. He wouldn't be able to reduce his hours, only go to 4 super long days that would basically see him leaving the house at 6:45 and not getting back till 7/8pm. So staying 5 days makes way more sense.

Not sure you'll be making any money going back to work having to pay nursery fees x2 (might be around £100-110 per day). So until the babies are 3, money will be tighter but you will manage fine!

You are screwing yourself financially.

BAD idea to go PT to provide childcare when you're in an unmarried partnership. A very bad idea. One of the worst financial decisions you can make.

Second leave off with 'taking his money'. Get out of that mindset. You are not flatmates, you're a family.

He needs to learn to cook or pay more for the food. That's ridiculous. People with LDs can learn to cook. What else is he 'useless' at?

I'd also suggest (based on seeing a lot of MN threads!) it's worth discussing crucial things like what your expectations of night-time wake-ups are, what your expectations of 'free time' or 'leisure time' are, and what happens if (god forbid) you have either a complicated labour or a sick child to be taking into account, and you either need a lot of support, or can't go back to work for a while.

THIS!

Nail down everything before you give birth and do not sleepwalk into a situation where you've reproduced with a man child who thinks mat leave and work PT means you are also the Maid of All Work and he, the Almighty Earner, is therefore Lord and Master of the Manor.

You both have massive salaries and are very fortunate. Sorry - get a grip !

You'll be bringing in 30% of the household income, but paying 40% of the bills. If anything, I would want a 30:70 split. You're not 'taking his money', you are both contributing to your family.

Don't worry too much about planning your family routine, who cooks dinner etc right now. You don't know what your routine will end up being or what will work best for your family until the twins are here. They will decide your schedule!

The average household income is £26k. Your income is excellent and you will get along just fine on it, especially as you own your house.

Meal delivery kits are silly, tell him he can just make basic meals... it's not hard and they're exorbitant.

Also it's no longer his money. It's family money.