Money whats fair and whats expected?

[reign]

I'm 23 and pregnant with twins, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and are excited about the prospect although it does feel earlier than planned. The added bonus of an extra baby has also made us worry about money.

Long story short we own a house, I'm on £30k a year he's on £45k. Currently we split all house costs down the middle and pay into a joint account for food etc. We've agreed we are going to pool our salaries together paying a 40/60 split of household expenses as I intend to go to 3 and a half days once I've finished maternity leave.

So my questions are -

1. Is this a fair arrangement... I feel bad 'taking' his money.
2. I currently cook ALL the food we both eat because he's useless but I'm worried about doing this and having two babies... He wants to get meal delivery kits to cook for his days, but this seems like to much of an added cost.
3. Is money going to feel super tight on combined salary of £66k plus paying for three days of nursery for two kids.

Thanks!

BAD idea to go PT to provide childcare when you're in an unmarried partnership. A very bad idea. One of the worst financial decisions you can make.

Disagree with this. I assume your making this statement based on the risk of the relationship breaking up? You can't make major life decisions based on a future event that may never happen. Yes she will earn less. She will also get plenty of time with her twins. Not everything is about money.

And it should be 35/65 imo if you'll be on half his wage. Or, pool all money, then split equally when bills are paid. Otherwise, what's going to happen with nappies, baby clothes etc? Will you end up paying it all?

She could also have plenty of time with kids if they were married. But would have significantly more rights from financial perspective.

Let's not get overexcited about their salaries. Lower income families get more help via tax credits. Op has a very average salary.

We'd not cope on 66k if we had to pay £1200 on nursery fees. I have to pay quite big pension contributions and our mortgage is big. Depends on what your outgoings are but if you can live off just his salary now it sounds like you'll be OK.

Do make sure you both have pensions though. I'd have way more money if I didn't, but

While you are still at home with them, an hour of cooking with twins if he is around to look after them could feel like a blessed relief, an escape into a less demanding bubble. However, you may well not be in a position to eat a meal sat together for a year or two, so it may not be the right approach. You'll have to see what you're kids are like when they get here. Bulk cooking and freezing in single portions worked well for us some of the time. Quick, easy go-to meals that we didn't need to think about (pasta or a ready made) helped on other days. Proper cooking was a pleasure some of the time and a drag others.

Meal kits are expensive and if you're in an expensive city with a big mortgage and those childcare costs, it may well not be feasible. But I turned to them for a few years when my twins had just started school and I found them to be a bit of a lifesaver and reignited my love of cooking which had taken a bit of a hit cooking for pre-schoolers. If you can afford it your DP may find they are a good way to build up his confidence and repertoire (which will become more important as the kids grow) but perhaps suggest they shouldn't be the only way he cooks.

You are right to be concerned about becoming too financially dependent. But taking on an unfair financial burden does not make you financially independent. You are already going to be taking a financial hit - by taking time out to have the children and by simply being a mother you are likely to have a harder time getting promotions etc. compared to a father like your DP. Going part-time really compounds this. Splitting things 40/60 sounds very unreasonable if your full-time salary is 2/3rds of his and you're going down to 3.5 days (so pro rata salary 21k?). If that's the case you should be splitting ~30/70, or better yet pooling your money and each taking an equal share of what's left after bills, savings, etc.. Whatever you do, don't get put in a position where you are spending more than you'd want to in order to keep up with your partner's desired lifestyle (which is what a 50/50 split often becomes when there is unequal income).

I’m thinking your monthly take home pay should be approx £4000. Probably a few hundred more. So £1100 for mortgage, £1200 for nursery leaves you with £1700. It depends on your other outgoings but it sounds like you can still have a very decent quality of life but may have to budget for holidays and be more aware of your discretionary spending. As long as you set a budget you should be fine. And agree with pp who suggested everything going into a family pot, taking out all expenses then splitting the remainder.

Keep your salaries in your own accounts and open a joint account for all household, car, childcare, food bills. Work out a fair ratio and transfer the relevant amount to the joint account on payday. 40/60 is not a fair split. Between now and babies arrival teach your partner how to cook a few basic dinners - bolognese, chicken stir fry, curry etc.

I'd get married before the twins are born if I were you.

I never understand this tbh.
You are a family, it's all family money and get a ring on your finger.
put all money together and split what is left between you both.
Don't forget to include savings etc before you split your remainder.

Do you live in London? Then yes, money will be tight. Cannot comment on other places.

Also... Allow me to preach for a moment. He's not your "boyfriend". You own a house together, you are carrying his children and you're going to need him to provide for you to some extent after you have them. It's all well and good being all independent and feminist and think that you can do everything men can do when you're young and don't have dependants. But then children come along and you realise that "having it all" is a big fat myth. Life changes. Maybe not for your "boyfriend", but most definitely for you. You're the one who has to deal with the physical effects of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding (if you do) and sleep-deprivation. You're the one nursery will call when your babies are sick, regardless of whether you have an important meeting at work that day. You're the "expert" on everything child related because you've been at home for a year and your partner will not necessarily know how to comfort your crying child in the best way, what kind of textures they like to eat or how to get them to sleep. You're the one whose career and income will take a hit - again, because you've been at home for a year.

All this is fine, if you have a partner who recognises the effects on your life and appreciates your contribution as equal to his, shares everything he earns/owns with you and is 100% committed to you and the children. Ideally, a husband rather than a "boyfriend". Marriage protects you from being completely fucked over if you split up.

My feminist idealism went out the window when I had children and I realised what an extremely traditional society we still live in. And for me, that's ok, because I do have a DH like described above. Our society doesn't make life easy for mums so make sure you have a partner who does.

On 66k you'll jointly bring home around £4000 a month not taking into account pension contributions or student loans (don't know if you have either, they could reduce the total take home considerably, we earn jointly around 75k so more monthly than you, but student loans and pensions come to around £900 a month in deductions before commute costs, so the reality of available money is much less than some posters on here assume). Childcare at £1200 and mortgage at £1100 leaves you £1700 for bills, groceries etc, you should be fine. People on here will tell you it's a vast combined income etc but depending on where you live, commute costs, any debt that needs servicing, you won't necessarily be swanning off on fancy holidays, but you will be fine.

Don’t waste money on meal kits! So easy to waste money when you’ve got babies. Think of the holidays you can have if you budget well. Quiche, bagged salad & pre made potato salad, chicken Kiev, pizza, pre bought cooked chicken, ready meals etc etc. It’s not as daunting as you think.

The only bit I can help with is meal boxes!

They are good for inspiration, but not as a time saving measure. They would involve cooking from scratch and unless you pick the 'speedy' options, they are just going to give you nice recipes that you still have to prep and spend 30-40 mins cooking or longer depending on what the recipe is.

The only thing it will help is saving you grocery shopping (but you can do that online and save a lot) and choosing what to have, but it would not really speed up cooking.

If you want to try and cut down the time, then the key is to batch cook and freeze. Spend some time making big batches up, and freeze them in portions so you just have to re-heat should help. You could start before babies are born to get you through the first few weeks. That and find lots of pre-prepped and quick things, like stir fry.

How are you feeling OP ? Most of the responses have been quite “hard”.

It's all well and good being all independent and feminist and think that you can do everything men can do when you're young and don't have dependants.

I don’t agree with this sentiment. If our society as equal/feminist as some others there’d be no reason for women to have less independence or fewer rights than men on becoming a parent.

Why on earth would you contribute more than the ratio that you earn. During maternity leave, he should be paying you. When you return to work, at most you should be splitting 30/70. In reality, you are taking a career hit by being the primary caregiver with a maternity leave and working part time. I’m guessing you will also be covering most sick days and doctors appointments. If you aren’t going to pool your money, I would split bills 15/85 to 20/80 at the absolute most. And to be clear, paying for child care and child expenses are joint bills, not your bills.

Either of you spending an hour making tea with twins is laughable. Think sandwiches, soups, slow-cooker meals you can prep during nap time and yield lots of leftovers.

Thank all for the responses - we haven't set in stone what our intentions are money wise. I want to be really clear that my boyfriend is the kindest person I've ever known, not an evil man. I asked because I don't know any kids - I don't even have friends with kids...

I don't know whats fair or the done thing, we came up with 40/60 to split everything household, kids and holidays and the rest disposable income. To be honest we didn't discuss in crazy detail just as a ball park I suggested it and it felt fair.

I'm not going to marry someone in fear they'll leave me so I can take all there money after? Marriage will come with time....

We own a house together and although he earns more than me I also have considerably more in 'personal' savings (gifts, inheritance, fund my parents have given me because I'm pregnant and they were saving to spend on a wedding).

I want to work part time, I may increase or change the days as the kids get older/start school I don't know.

We live in the north for clarity, not London.

I've looked at post tax income and 35/65 is probably more reasonable. As I said we are sharing finances at the moment to save for me not financially contributing while I am off.

Marriage is a protection for you both (what happens to the house if one of you die?)
and your children.

I also think you need to go and read the Divorce/separation board of Mumsnet. It’s full of women who thought they were living with the kindest man imaginable.

Oh god you sound naive. We are not saying you marry him to take all his money, we are saying marry if you are going to wreck your pension and career by going part time. At least then when you split up (odds are against you) you get some recompense. Or don't marry, but factor it in to your percentages. Keep paying your pension out of joint income. Go back to work as soon as possible. Definitely don't feel guilty about an overgenerous financial contribution on your part that leaves you fucked over financially long term.

Oh yeah ... all the other stuff too! Life insurance with you as beneficiary (and vice versa) and wills.

I'm not going to marry someone in fear they'll leave me so I can take all there money after? Marriage will come with time....

It's not about taking someone's money. FGS, you seriously need to get off this idea! You're being extremely naive if you think that's what marriage is about. There is a lot of legal protection conferred upon marriage. You're going to be compromising your earnings and your pension contributions by going PT. This is bad move if you are unmarried for either party.

IS, it's complete BS that low income families get tons of tax credits. That hasn't been true for a while as the income threshold for WTC was quite low and now, it's all going UC.