Money whats fair and whats expected?

[reign]

I'm 23 and pregnant with twins, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and are excited about the prospect although it does feel earlier than planned. The added bonus of an extra baby has also made us worry about money.

Long story short we own a house, I'm on £30k a year he's on £45k. Currently we split all house costs down the middle and pay into a joint account for food etc. We've agreed we are going to pool our salaries together paying a 40/60 split of household expenses as I intend to go to 3 and a half days once I've finished maternity leave.

So my questions are -

1. Is this a fair arrangement... I feel bad 'taking' his money.
2. I currently cook ALL the food we both eat because he's useless but I'm worried about doing this and having two babies... He wants to get meal delivery kits to cook for his days, but this seems like to much of an added cost.
3. Is money going to feel super tight on combined salary of £66k plus paying for three days of nursery for two kids.

Thanks!

Mortgage and bills shouldn't be split 60/40. They should be split based on the proportion of household salary you bring in so that you both end up with roughly the same disposable income each month.

I'm in a similar situation - unmarried, DD is 15 months, and I've gone back to work 3.5 days a week. My partner condensed his hours to 4.5 days per week so nursery is only needed for 3 days per week. Our household income is a roughly £10k below yours and we manage nicely, though don't have a lot of spare cash for holidays/savings etc. I could definitely curb my spending though!

As you're not married, you do need to be very honest with yourself about the long term prospects with your partner. Minimum, I would keep separate bank accounts and pay your agreed amount into a joint account where all household costs come from. You probably already know this anyway - basically, just make sure that you're comfortable with how you're protecting your and your kids' futures if you were to have to go it alone.

In short, your salary will be fine but don't expect to make any extravagant purchases for a while. And congrats OP. Twins will be hard graft but lovely.

Oh and for clarity - we live in the north.

And you sound really sensible OP, try not to let those being hard on you get you down.

I guess it's all relative. I ran a quick benefits check on 26k household income with nursery costs for one child on ops figures. That gave £136 a week extra, so £7k tax free extra. I dunno. It's a fair amount.

With twins is might actually work out slightly better to get a nanny than put them in nursery (it's certainly slightly cheaper here). The nanny can then get a few basic jobs for the children done (cooking for the children, tidying their room or doing the children's washing), plus you won't need to worry about what to do when one of the children is ill (nurseries have quite strict illness exclusion policies). And you won't have to rush around getting two children dressed and out of the door before you need to get to work.

Once the twins are 3 and you get the free hours you can move on to a nursery pre-school room.

I also agree about potentially getting married before the twins are born- it means only one of you needs to register the birth for a start (twins are often kept in for a while as more likely to need care after birth and you are more likely to need a CSection so won't want to drag yourself down to the registry office). Plus it gives you both legal protection if the other were to die or leave.

If you're going part-time and you're not married you really ought to include overpaying on your pension before you calculate take-home pay for working out a fair splitting ration - in order to make up for the childcare days you're providing on the days you aren't working.

I guess it's all relative. I ran a quick benefits check on 26k household income with nursery costs for one child on ops figures. That gave £136 a week extra, so £7k tax free extra. I dunno. It's a fair amount.

It's all UC now. All new claims are UC. And running a benefits check is not a reliable source, many are incorrect to completely erroneous .

I'm not benefit bashing. I claim them. Actually I get a better income as a single parent on tc than I did on our joint income without tc, so yay me. I'm simply saying that talking about an average household income of 26k is not really accurate as on that income you get (choose how you want to describe 7k tax free) an extra amount of money.
The calculator was 100% accurate for me. Obvs I had to tweak it for the 26k over 2 people income. I am presuming a lot of it covers nursery costs, which you get no help with on higher incomes.
Oh, I also get that cool savings account to where the govt double your money. It's a definite plus to separating.

I'm still laughing at the prospect of cooking dinner with twins, I had one and struggled to make and eat a slice of toast 😂.

Seriously thou, please OP pool your money pay bills and split equally what's left. Start as you mean to go on you are a family. I wish I had but I married a twat and now divorced and I manage/budget finances a lot better now I know what's coming in and going out!

As a parent of twins my only advice is agree now that you split the nighttime care. If your partner works 9-5 for example then he cares for babies 7pm-1am then swap over. Try to work out where the sleeping parent can sleep away for the babies till they are in a ‘routine’ at night.
Some nights there was 40minutes clear between feeding a baby.
The only not thing I cared about then was sleep and getting through with my sanity.
Also your mum has offered to have babies while you work. Many people (in my experience) cannot come with twins when babysitting. For now try not to base your plans on regular help.

IS dads what's the account you mentioned?

**The only thing I cared about was sleep.

If our society as equal/feminist as some others there’d be no reason for women to have less independence or fewer rights than men on becoming a parent.

Indeed. It would be great if we lived in such a society. If we lived in Sweden, where childcare is practically free, most men take some parental leave and people living together have almost the same protections as married people, things world be very different indeed. But it won't do us any good to behave as though we were living in Sweden, will it?

It's a huge income, it's your outgoings you need to keep in check. If you haven't already I would suggest a slow cooker - you can prep when you have time and it does all the work. Rather than kits, pasta, is a really quick meal as are fajitas, salads etc.

On the cooking/meal kits question (which I know is far less important than all the financial issues) - I love to cook, and always did all the cooking as my DH worked much longer hours than me even when I was full time. Then came DC1 who was prem, had a lot of health issues and barely slept for 2 years - DH ended up doing a lot more round the house and actually found he really enjoyed cooking. I'm expecting DC2 very soon, currently sitting with my feet up while DH cooks a lasagne for tomorrow, neither he or I would have thought this would happen a few years ago! Get him to give cooking a go now while there's less pressure, following recipes for himself without meal kits will be cheaper and make him more confident in the long run.

It's a huge income

This completely depends on where they live.

Hi Op
My boyfriend and I had similar salaries to you pre baby and we just paid the same amount each month into a joint account to cover bills. Once having our child, we pooled all the money into one account. I went back to work part time. all our money goes into one account, our bills come out of that account and whatever we buy comes out of that account. If I want to buy a gift for him I put it on my credit card which too comes out of that account but he cannot see what I've spent on what for example.
We too are not married. I don't see this as a big deal as having a child is more of a commitment in my eyes.
Our DC also goes to nursery.
You are a family and you are going back to work part time to support the family in other ways rather than just going to work. In my eyes everything should be split equally.

I have a friend who does the same as us but they transfer what is left over into each of their personal accounts 50/50 and he earns considerably more than her.

Helptosave
www.gov.uk/get-help-savings-low-income

You don't need to be getting wtc, just ctc. Not sure about uc.

Regards the cooking, I would advise batch cooking before the twins come along and stock up the freezer. This helps in the early days.
Meal plan each week and maybe get online supermarket deliveries.
My OH isn't great at cooking but if it is planned and he has an exact recipe and all the ingredients, he can cook easily. He never used to be able to but he's learnt since DS came along!

Everyone who is not married but working pt or not at all - just read up on here about what happens to you when you split. Or even worse, your partner dies (happened to a friend of mine, heart attack mid forties, she didn't even get the house, no will you see!)

As a twin mummy (mine are now nearly 4) please forget the meal kits. Bacon sandwich will seem like a banquet if you get to eat it sitting down and without holding/feeing/burping/settling at baby at the same time.

You need to get married or stay full time. Seriously. Mumsnet is full of women who have been screwed over financially in exactly your circumstances. If your boyfriend is as kind and lovely as you say he is, he will be happy to marry you and ensure you have a secure financial future as the mother of his children.

Personally I would sit down with a computer and work it out properly so all outgoings.
Look at your incomings and what percentage you each make up of that then what that equates to for your outgoings.
That's what we do it works perfectly well and then what we have left we each make our own decisions on. I bulk save while my DH uses share systems etc.

We do the same for holidays as well but mainly because I love holidays and travel whilst DH couldn't afford the number we have if we split it 50/50 (I'm the higher earner).

Regarding meal kits they are a waste of money and he still needs to cook it at the end!
Buy him a student cookbook/easy 30 min meals etc far cheaper and will build up his confidence in the kitchen.

Me and dh were married when ds1 was one year old.
I'm so glad we did, as I wasn't aware of the consequences if we weren't. I would have been completely vulnerable and had no idea, it was nowhere in my decision when I said yes to his unromantic proposal We've been married 26 years now and so far, so good.
I read so many stories on here and think women should be aware and not so naive.
I'm still not 100% sure my dh won't leave me for a younger model, very unlikely, but that's what we all say.
If you aren't married make sure you are financially protected from all financial aspects. If you don't know them all, ask people you know.
There really is no excuse.

OP as a parent of twins, you are having a laugh thinking you'll have the time to spend an hr cooking or have absolutely any inclination to cook anything, let alone something like a meal kit where you have to follow instructions. It's absolutely fabulous with the benefit of hindsight but it's tough to start with. Its tiring, a bit relentless and even if you get chance to cook something, you might have to heat it up in a microwave 2 hours later when you've finally fed and settled 2 babies that woke up just as your plate made it to the table!

In terms of finances, I think you're being sensible in saving and talking about it but it's best (in my view) to pool your income now, view it as family money. We each have a separate account that we transfer "spends" to each month from a joint account to spend as we want.

Good luck - have a lovely twin pregnancy

But it won't do us any good to behave as though we were living in Sweden, will it?

Good point, well made. Let’s hand back the vote, contraceptive pill and right to own property, shut up and get back in the kitchen.