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AIBU?

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Original poster

Money whats fair and whats expected?

110 replies

reign · 16/01/2019 18:10

I'm 23 and pregnant with twins, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and are excited about the prospect although it does feel earlier than planned. The added bonus of an extra baby has also made us worry about money.

Long story short we own a house, I'm on £30k a year he's on £45k. Currently we split all house costs down the middle and pay into a joint account for food etc. We've agreed we are going to pool our salaries together paying a 40/60 split of household expenses as I intend to go to 3 and a half days once I've finished maternity leave.

So my questions are -

  1. Is this a fair arrangement... I feel bad 'taking' his money.
  2. I currently cook ALL the food we both eat because he's useless but I'm worried about doing this and having two babies... He wants to get meal delivery kits to cook for his days, but this seems like to much of an added cost.
  3. Is money going to feel super tight on combined salary of £66k plus paying for three days of nursery for two kids.

Thanks!

OP posts:
TheSconeOfStone · 16/01/2019 22:22

We only had one baby at a time with a nearly 3 year gap but still struggled to cook at times (DH studying FT and working when DC1 appeared). Anyone can chuck something out of the freezer in the oven and throw some veg in a pan to cook. You can even do this whilst holding a screaming baby so the food thing should be fine if you lower your expectations for a bit.

I don't understand the his money/my money thing. You are a family. It should all be family money.

OhTheRoses · 16/01/2019 22:28

Easy dinners with babies

Egg n chips
Fresh pasta, sauce, bag of salad
Roast chicken, new pots, bag of salad and coleslaw
Pizzas and bagvof salad
Soup and toastiez
Baked spud, cheese and beans
Steak or chicken pie, veg, spud
Salmon stir fry

None of that takes more than 10 mins

GirlOnIt · 16/01/2019 23:27

We have similar salary's to you OP although not as big a difference and a DS who's 3 months.
We never split 50/50 though because I was earning a bit less, but also had student loans. We have a joint account for bills food etc and we worked it so we both had a equal amount of money left over in our own accounts.
Dp quickly got fed up of having two accounts and he was paying petrol and stuff out of what would be his spends then silly things from the joint account. Now all his wages just go in the joint account which we both us for pretty much everything at the moment. My mat pay is still going into my account but I've not needed to transfer any over. It's all joint though, although I tease Dp that it's my going on holiday fund once Ds stops breastfeeding. I did feel a bit weird spending his money at first especially if it was on stuff for me, clothes, hairdressers etc . Dp was the one saying I was being silly though and it's all ours.
And I do like that while I'm off on mat leave I've got the added security of extra money just in my name, not that I don't trust Dp. The plan is it's there to use if we need it, I'm taking a year off and then going back three days. Dp's working a fair bit of overtime at the moment but that can change so we like having something to fall back on.

Cooking wise, He's got time to practise so maybe cook a few meals together and stock the freezer up before the babies arrive. I've no experience of twins but with just one in the early days it's a bit of blur, you eat what's easy and quick. I snacked a lot still do with breastfeeding and so didn't actually always want a big meal. Dp makes me a sandwich or salad when he does his lunch for work and leaves it in the fridge for me for my lunch, so I can just grab that.

sheerjewl · 17/01/2019 06:33

I would be interested to know what people know about not being married and the consequences as people have said if anyone is able to enlighten me please with a quick summary and points

RoboticSealpup · 17/01/2019 06:45

Let’s hand back the vote, contraceptive pill and right to own property, shut up and get back in the kitchen.

Let's have babies with men we're not married to, cut our working hours hours to part-time but keep paying 50% of everything because we don't want to "depend on a man" and "take his money". There - fixed it for you.

RoboticSealpup · 17/01/2019 06:51

And then blame yourself for not "leaning in" enough at work, when inevitably, your partner's career and earnings surpass yours. You should be able to have it all, right? Must be your fault if you don't...

SpikyHedgehogg · 17/01/2019 07:45

The cooking thing - is he not tempted to learn about nutrition and cooking now he’ll have a baby to feed?

Waterdropsdown · 17/01/2019 08:01

It’s great to have these conversations prior to babies coming. The money one needs sorted and be started prior to their birth so it doesn’t need thinking about again. The cooking dinner thing will seem like the least of your worries when you actually get home with the babies.

Re childcare - Someone mentioned a nanny. Yes from 1-2 a nanny works out same cost but after 2 nursery is cheaper. We have a nanny for our 2 year old twins and it’s so convenient and easy I don’t now want to change to nursery. We can actually afford a nanny without lifestyle compromise so are sticking to it but I would really hate to have change childcare that’s working. Also your mum looking after the 2 of them may not happen - my mum had 3 kids (close together) then 5 gran kids and she only feels comfortable looking after my 2 on her own for a pop to the shops type length of time. She would NOT feel comfortable taking them out on her own. It’s very different than 2 different age children.

SushiMonster · 17/01/2019 08:09

Remember you won’t be paying as much into your pension either whilst you reduce your hours.

No matter what work day, it is harder to progress and be promoted when you are part time in 95% of workplaces.

I too think harming your own career whilst you are not married is a bad idea.

Dragongirl10 · 17/01/2019 08:18

Op you need to take this time to teach your DP to make simple meals.....
Spag bol
curry
Steak and vegetables
Casseroles

he needs to be able to plan, shop for, (online will be a lifesaver) and make at least 5 different meals within 20-30 minutes.

You BOTH may be holding a grumpy, crying baby at dinner time and you both need to be able to efficiently get a meal on the table fast.

Other lifesavers, dishwasher, tumble dryer, places to put babies on each floor of the house, ie 2 bassinetts on bedroom floor, 2 on living room floor, so you can put them down safely.

By the time they crawl, a large playpen area with a thick rug and all toys so you can do things ie cook, clean up, change nappies knowing one or both are safe.

Money...I second the poster who said proportion your salaries into a joint account for bills.

I also think you are very vulnerable by not being married, relationships can and do go wrong, you will be responsinble for 2 babies and need to be protected. Please think of a quick registry office wedding now and a bigger celebration in time.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 17/01/2019 08:26

Op you need to take this time to teach your DP to make simple meals.....

He is a bloody adult. HE needs to take the initiative to learn to bloody cook. It's not hard. My 10-year-old son has autism and learned to make 'simple meals' using YouTube. The OP has a FT job and is pregnant with twins and she's supposed to be his bloody mother as well?

You BOTH may be holding a grumpy, crying baby at dinner time and you both need to be able to efficiently get a meal on the table fast.

No, you really don't! Why on Earth do you need 'a meal on the table' at the early stage? A bacon sandwich with a side salad is fine when you have infant twins.

NanooCov · 17/01/2019 08:26

I would take any childcare that your mum offers as money will feel extremely tight with nursery costs for three days for two kids. We have two in nursery for that time currently and - on a much larger combined salary than you - it is still a huge chunk of income out the door paying fees.

I think you're also already being screwed on the split in expenses. It should be 40/60 already given the difference in your salaries currently. If you then go down to 3.5 days, the split should be more like 30/70.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/01/2019 08:48

Marriage is not a sign that you do not trust your partner or that he is not a good man. It's a contract. If you don't have it then you can be the best soulmates ever, but legally you are nobody to each other.

A family with children has several tasks that need to be performed - earning money, taking care of children and household etc. Those can be shared in various ways. You have decided that he will be doing most of the money earning tasks; while you do most of the child rearing - all fine. If you are married, this all will be taken into account and treated like all of those were carried out jointly.

If you are not married, then all money earned and everything bought and any investments will be solely his. Nobody will care that you have contributed by providing childcare and you have therefore damaged your career, probably missed out on promotions and pay raises, pension contributions. And have of course not been able to acquire similar level of assets. Those will all be his.
Does not sound too fair?

sheerjewl · 17/01/2019 09:27

@KatharinaRosalie money and investments would be solely his if they are only in his name. If it is in joint names then you are both entitled to it even if you are not married. According to that link anyway.

00100001 · 17/01/2019 09:29

" spending an hour making tea (which I usually do) might not work so well.."

who spends a WHOLE HOUR making dinner???

Maybe 1 hour from prepr to cook, to eat to wash up etc.... but 1 hour just MAKING dinner?? Shock

Laureline · 17/01/2019 09:38

What is his attitude towards the idea of getting married now? Is he reluctant?

RoboticSealpup · 17/01/2019 11:38

who spends a WHOLE HOUR making dinner???

I do.

tiggerkid · 17/01/2019 12:01

He wants to get meal delivery kits to cook for his days

A crazy idea. Why can't he just find recipes on the internet (free) and buy the ingredients he needs for those recipes! That's your very own DIY meal kit! Why does he need someone else to make it up and deliver for him?????

Romanov · 17/01/2019 13:39

I'm not going to marry someone in fear they'll leave me so I can take all there money after? Marriage will come with time....

yeah..... of course it will

G5000 · 17/01/2019 13:41

You are not taking their money. You would be taking your share. You won't be getting your share if you are not married.

Dragongirl10 · 17/01/2019 16:42

Oh dear PLUMPSYRIANHAMPSTER..chill!!

PlumpSyrianHamster · 17/01/2019 17:09

The 1950s called, Dragon, they want their attitude back Hmm. PMSL at the idea that a grown man has to be taught to cook by the little wifey. FFS. It's 20-fucking-19. People can learn to wash their face with a YouTube, he can pick up his phone and learn how to boil water.

Romanov · 17/01/2019 17:19

@Dragongirl10 I agree with @PlumpSyrianHamster

Op you need to take this time to teach your DP to make simple meals.....

He is a bloody adult. HE needs to take the initiative to learn to bloody cook. It's not hard. My 10-year-old son has autism and learned to make 'simple meals' using YouTube. The OP has a FT job and is pregnant with twins and she's supposed to be his bloody mother as well?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 17/01/2019 17:25

I wouldn't rely on your mum coping with twins, so plan for full childcare and if she can, then great, but if not, you've factored it in.

Get a slow cooker and try out some meals now while you're pregnant. Things with chicken can just be shoved in raw. I usually brown mince and beef joints which does take extra time you might not have.

Look up the legalities of being married and not. What happens if one of you is in an accident (I believe you're not actually next of kin), if one of you dies, if one of your leaves the relationship. I'm sure you're both lovely, but that doesn't mean your relationship will last. You should make an informed decision about it based on your circumstances and so you both know where you stand. Not just for you, but also your DP. He should want to ensure you are protected and you should want to ensure he is too (if you're both lovely and kind etc etc) and indeed your twins have a roof over their heads.