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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex wants to change when he has his daughter

111 replies

Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:04

My ex recently joined a dating site and has been talking to someone and was planning on meeting her his weekend. I don't have a problem with him moving on but over the last 2 years he's had our daughter every Friday night to Sunday afternoon and now wants to change when he has her because he won't be able to meet this girl. I've said he can have her every weekend as normal and then every other weekend when she's not working he can have our daughter Saturday to Sunday but he just wants her every other weekend and threatened to take me to court. He works Monday to Friday and doesn't see her during the week so he wanted to have her every weekend so he can spend time with her. Am I being unreasonable by saying he can't have her twice a month when he doesn't see her during the week?

OP posts:

Fattymcfaterson · 16/01/2019 16:06

I think you're being a little unfair. He has her every weekend? When does he get time to do anything for himself?

JasperKarat · 16/01/2019 16:08

More to the point when do you get chance to take DD out for the day and do fun things together if he had her Friday to Sunday every week, it's pretty much shared custody as it stands and you get the mundane day to day routine bit

garethsouthgatesmrs · 16/01/2019 16:09

in theory YANBU he sounds selfish but won't it be nice for you to see your daughter one weekend out of two? Is she young at the moment because if she is she will soon grow and be at school on weekdays. Can he not have her one weekday evening after work to compensate?

if he does reduce his time with her make sure he increases his maintenance payments

Spunkymonkey2019 · 16/01/2019 16:09

I think you both need to grow up and see that you both want your daughter but you both need some adult time too. You are essentially saying anytime he could meet someone (and let’s be honest most people do at weekends), he can’t. Can’t you both come to some suitable arrange that works for both of you?

DonCorleoneTheThird · 16/01/2019 16:09

unreasonable, sorry.

You have every weekend off, he has none! Sharing weekends is very reasonable if he asked. Could he have her sometimes during the week maybe? Or could he have her more during holidays?

Why wouldn't you want to have your own child at the weekend anyway? It's such a rush with work, school and so on during the week, wouldn't it be nice for you to have some time together?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2019 16:09

Am I being unreasonable by saying he can't have her twice a month when he doesn't see her during the week?

Yes YABU. But it also seems weird that he's willing to reduce his contact with his DD by 50% for this girl before he's even met her. Maybe he just wants some kind of social life. After all, you currently have all weekend every weekend to yourself.

Why does he not see DD during the week at all?

snurguzelly · 16/01/2019 16:10

Would this interfere with your weekend plans?
I assume you're still single and a little jealous that he's moving on.

JennyOnAPlate · 16/01/2019 16:11

This is a reverse surely? One parent can't have all the weekends.

ExFury · 16/01/2019 16:12

Is she at school?

If not gladly accept the change now. You dont want to get stuck with all the school run and homework while he gets all the days out and chilled time anyway.

Klopptimist · 16/01/2019 16:12

YABU. He needs to have a life too. It's an unsustainable arrangement anyhow, there will be weekends when she's invited to parties or other activities, she'll want to see her own friends etc. EOW seems to be the norm amongst the people I know.

Lazypuppy · 16/01/2019 16:17

YABU, why don't you want to spend a weekend with your daughter? If you get weekends off so should he

Original poster

Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:17

I work part time and work Saturday evening's as well, he goes to the pub after work Monday to Friday and Sunday after he drops her off so he has his free time and social life. She goes to nursery in the morning and we have the afternoon/evenings to ourselves. I'm not jealous that he's possibly meeting someone else but he wanted to have her every weekend since she was a few months old so he could spend time with her because he doesn't see her during the week.

OP posts:

Shednik · 16/01/2019 16:22

It will surely change when she starts school anyway as otherwise you’ll never see her!
You will really value the weekends then.

YABU I’m afraid, you can’t make him have her. And it’s sad for your dd that you want to. Court would only order when you have to make her available for contact, they wouldn’t force more contact than he wants!

Redred2429 · 16/01/2019 16:22

You have to think about what this could lead to potentially he would then introduce your daughter to this woman early on would you be comfortable with that ?

Seniorschoolmum · 16/01/2019 16:22

Yabu.

You have more than a decade of co-parenting to go. It requires some give and take if done well.

Can you not flex to allow him a date night, and then he can flex when you want a couple of weekday evening?

blueskiesandforests · 16/01/2019 16:28

I never heard of parents going to court seeking less contact!

I suppose that he can never have a weekend away, and you can't take dd away on holiday Saturday to Saturday? Is there no flexibility at all, on principle, ever?

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 16/01/2019 16:29

I think the non-resident parent getting every single weekend while the RP gets Mondays to Fridays only is a shit arrangement and I don't understand why anyone accepts it in the first place, especially when the NRP works full time.

School and working weeks are totally different to weekends and the time should be split to give both parents a bit of both. Two weekends a month each and one or two midweek overnighters for the NRP if possible, seems like a much fairer arrangement and offers more flexibility to both parents.

Original poster

Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:29

So you're all saying it's perfectly ok for him to see his nearly 3 year old daughter for 4 nights a month? He doesn't see her during the week because he'd rather be in the pub after work, I work part time and work Saturdays which I will have to give up if he doesn't have her every weekend. He wanted to have her every weekend since she was a few months old and now nearly 3 years later he's decided he wants to change it over some girl he's never met!

OP posts:

blueskiesandforests · 16/01/2019 16:30

Still Saturday late afternoon to Monday (he drops her at nursery, you pick her up) should be a workable compromise.

Do you want him to cover your Saturday work shift and he wants you to have her in the week because of weekday afternoon childcare?

CloserIAm2Fine · 16/01/2019 16:32

Halving his contact doesn’t seem to be in anyone’s interest. But equally in a couple of years, you’ll be stuck with the weekday drudgery of school and he’ll have all the fun weekend time with her which isn’t fair either.

Every other weekend plus a day or at least an evening/night during the week is a popular arrangement, and would keep the same amount of contact just spread out differently.

Inertia · 16/01/2019 16:32

If you're at work he needs to arrange childcare if he's not available.

He won't though, which means you'll probably end up having to do it. Make sure you increase your maintenance claim.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2019 16:33

He doesn't see her during the week because he'd rather be in the pub after work

Well, that's pretty shit.

I work part time and work Saturdays which I will have to give up if he doesn't have her every weekend.

Have you explained this to him? Has he offered to make up for lost wages?

If not, then I'm starting to see your point. Let him take you back to court in that case.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 16/01/2019 16:34

So you're all saying it's perfectly ok for him to see his nearly 3 year old daughter for 4 nights a month?

No, everyone is saying it's perfectly ok for him to want some free weekend time. Trying to put a positive spin on it, at least you will get some decent quality time to do fun stuff if you have her EOW rather than just the day-to-day mon-fri shift.

ExFury · 16/01/2019 16:35

So you're all saying it's perfectly ok for him to see his nearly 3 year old daughter for 4 nights a month?

Every other weekend is a pretty standard arrangement.

It’s shit that he’s decided it now, but if he’s the type who’d rather be in the pub than with his daughter, or who halves his contact for a woman that he barely knows then it’s in your DD’s best interests to have an arrangement set up now that won’t need to change when she starts school.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 16:35

Every single weekend was never going to last forever, was it?

If I were you, I'd suggest every other weekend and say a few hours on a Wednesday or something, where he could take her out for dinner or soft play etc.

See what he thinks of that maybe?

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