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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to change when he has his daughter

111 replies

Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:04

My ex recently joined a dating site and has been talking to someone and was planning on meeting her his weekend. I don't have a problem with him moving on but over the last 2 years he's had our daughter every Friday night to Sunday afternoon and now wants to change when he has her because he won't be able to meet this girl. I've said he can have her every weekend as normal and then every other weekend when she's not working he can have our daughter Saturday to Sunday but he just wants her every other weekend and threatened to take me to court. He works Monday to Friday and doesn't see her during the week so he wanted to have her every weekend so he can spend time with her. Am I being unreasonable by saying he can't have her twice a month when he doesn't see her during the week?

OP posts:
wildone03 · 16/01/2019 17:06

It’s not a sustainable arrangement once she is in school trust me. You will not want to be giving her up all and every weekend.

You need to find a compromise here because going to court will achieve absolutely nothing. Our set up is my DD collects her from school every Friday and i collect her on Saturday afternoon. But the first weekend every month he has her the Friday and Saturday night i collect Sunday morning (5 days a month).

Unfortunately you cant make him do anything so finding some kind of compromise will be a better solution.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 16/01/2019 17:08

But isn't it a good thing for you to be able to have her at weekends sometimes now? It gives you more opportunity to do things? It would give you both more flexibility.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/01/2019 17:08

I'm with you. She's not at school yet and he should do what he committed to do!
Make sure you take him to court for increased child support if he becomes flaky. You shouldn't lose out on money because he wants to drink all week and follow his dick all weekend.

pinkhorse · 16/01/2019 17:09

If you kept up with him having her every weekend then when she starts school you'll hardly see her. EOW is the standard arrangement.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 16/01/2019 17:10

I can empathise.

Some absent parents with a vindictive side will ask for unreasonable contact. My ex was very awkward and kept chopping and changing and then cancelling anyway. I was getting exasperated and suggested every weekend but my solicitor said that wasn't something the court often felt was reasonable because my DC would eventually want to go to birthday parties and when would I see her except to get her up in the morning and feed her and put her to bed again, during the week.

So I'm assuming he pushed for every weekend. Well, you made do with that and arranged your job round it. It doesn't mean you can't change your work but really, for him to throw the arrangement away over someone he hasn't even met yet is ridiculous.

I would explain this to him, just say that he wanted every weekend because he can't help in the week. That you work weekends because it worked round what he wanted. That he hasn't even met this woman yet and that instead of dropping her round one Fri, you can drop her round during the Saturday before your shift, instead, and have contact start from there. And to then see how it goes with the woman and if it's genuinely worth changing the contact then you'll sit down and arrange something. But that you would like some notice for niceness's sake because that's also changing when you're available for your job.

Arrowfanatic · 16/01/2019 17:11

I think yabu, i suspect you are annoyed that you perceive him as putting this woman before his daughter when in reality he just wants to move on with his life & have some weekends for himself whicb isnt unreasonable.

Once she starts school i wpuld have thought you'd be the one asking to change the arrangement or you would never have time for DD either.

Honestly, you sound a bit immature about the whole thing. You're trying to make it sound like its about DD when really its about him wanting to meet another woman.

Eow and one weekday evening to be worked around his job seems reasonable.

Kikipost · 16/01/2019 17:11

. I would never put anything or anyone before my kids.

Well then embrace the extra time with them

PoesyCherish · 16/01/2019 17:12

Contact arrangements change relatively frequently with new jobs, DC getting older, starting school etc. This is perfectly normal and he's entitled to want to change it.

Personally I think YABVU. I highly doubt he's changing it just because of this girl. He's probably realised it's unrealistic to never have a weekend free. One weekend evening is not the same as a whole weekend.

However considering you keep repeating yourself, it's highly unlikely you'll concede the point that he is not BU to want every other weekend.

Surely when she goes to school you're going to want to actually spend time with her?

Would he consider every other weekend plus say 2 or 3 weeks out of the year (specifically around the standard school holiday times so you all get used to it)?

Kikipost · 16/01/2019 17:12

OP

We see through your post. Your jealous. We get it, it’s hard when you’re the resident parent and don’t have so much freedom to start dating. But be honest with yourself.

Kikipost · 16/01/2019 17:13

you’re

Thequaffle · 16/01/2019 17:14

YANBU. He gets weekday evenings to himself, you get part of the weekend when you’re not at work. Sounds fair enough to me. I wouldn’t drop the Saturday work unless he is willing to give up a day of work too or make you whole for the lost wages.

PoesyCherish · 16/01/2019 17:14

Make sure you take him to court for increased child support if he becomes flaky.

No need for court, just contact the CMS. Costs £20 and avoids expensive court fees.

Bluestitch · 16/01/2019 17:15

She doesn't sound jealous Kiki, she sounds worried about her job that she has organised around the contact that he asked for.

joanmcc · 16/01/2019 17:15

I see both sides of this, but I think you're both crazy. I can't imagine voluntarily halving the time I spend with my children, or complaining about extra time with them.

IlluminatiParty · 16/01/2019 17:16

I agree two weekends and nowt else is not great if she's used to more contact.

But as long as he was adding a night or two in during the week each week, I'd agree to every other weekend. Even one night during the week would equal two weekends worth, looking at it monthly. Contact nights would be more and less the same and you both get equal opportunity for adult stuff and for weekend activities with your daughter.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/01/2019 17:17

Why do women always accuse other women of jealousy, just because they don't want to be fucked around by some flaky man? He CBA to parent from Mon - Fri, seems the least he can do is his share at the weekend, seeing as that was his idea and he is not offering to step up during the week.
The OP has a job. It's not fair to make her change her life on his whom!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/01/2019 17:17

Whim!

Drum2018 · 16/01/2019 17:18

Tell him he will have to pay for a babysitter when you are working saturday evenings so.

colditz · 16/01/2019 17:19

YANBU but you have to understand that he holds all the cards here. She lives with you and he gets to choose whether or not he bothers with her. He doesn't need to take you to court, he can just not bother fetching her.

This is going to be difficult for you to adjust to, and yes, he is being a complete prick. But better it's happened while she is young and doesn't have too good a grasp on the passage of time, as she will be easy to fob off.

TheOrigFV45 · 16/01/2019 17:20

Like most parents if you are responsible for your children during your working hours, you arrange childcare. You will not have to give up your job because you change contact arrangements with your ex, you will need to make alternative arrangements.

My ex used to only have contact time with DS2 when he was not working, entirely missing the point that I had contact time when I was working and had to use childcare.

DS2 is with me full time now and so I need to use paid for childcare. It's how it works.

Before you go to Court you'll have to go to a MIAM (initial mediation meeting) and TBH you're both going to look rather immature if you present your situation like this.

Put your child first.

TwoGinScentedTears · 16/01/2019 17:22

Surely he has to arrange childcare if he wants to go out in a night that's his contact night?

So I'm with you in that front. But every weekend is unsustainable. And your contact arrangements probably do need o be revisited. And may need to be revisited again as dd grows.

namechanger2019 · 16/01/2019 17:22

You are being massive unreasonable. EOW is reasonable. You can't expect him never to have a weekend off ever. Everyone needs a weekend off.

Original poster
Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 17:23

I'm not jealous, why would I be jealous over the fact he has to pay to get a date lol. She's used to being at his on the weekend and she sees all of his family then. If he reduces his time with her then his family suffer as well.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 16/01/2019 17:26

If HE wants to go out and socialise during his contact time, why cant HE book and pay for a babysitter? Why does the OP have to change her job to help him.... its not like OP is just sitting at home watching box sets.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/01/2019 17:28

People who live with their DC full time don't get weekends off, but he does no parenting during the week, whereas the OP doesn't it all. If anyone needs a weekend off, it's her!
And orig, there is nothing wrong with expecting the other parent to do childcare when she is at work. Why should she suddenly have to pay for childcare or leave her baby with a babysitter, just because he CBA? Better solution is for society to tell him that parenting isn't optional and to meet his commitment for as long as it meets the child's needs. When she goes to school, things might change, but that is some way off.

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