Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to change when he has his daughter

111 replies

Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:04

My ex recently joined a dating site and has been talking to someone and was planning on meeting her his weekend. I don't have a problem with him moving on but over the last 2 years he's had our daughter every Friday night to Sunday afternoon and now wants to change when he has her because he won't be able to meet this girl. I've said he can have her every weekend as normal and then every other weekend when she's not working he can have our daughter Saturday to Sunday but he just wants her every other weekend and threatened to take me to court. He works Monday to Friday and doesn't see her during the week so he wanted to have her every weekend so he can spend time with her. Am I being unreasonable by saying he can't have her twice a month when he doesn't see her during the week?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:37

He's already missed out on so much like her first day at nursery and her first parents evening, he has his adult time from Sunday afternoon to Friday evening so it's not like he's not able to have a social life because hes in the pub 5 nights a week. He won't have her during the week because he doesn't work set hours so he doesn't know what time he'll be home which is why he asked to have her on the weekends

OP posts:
ExFury · 16/01/2019 16:37

Talking about court is pointless because a court cannot make a NRP turn up for agreed contact.

My DDs father has a court order that states I have to make the girls available every other weekend and on a Wednesday evening in the week he doesn’t have them at the weekend. He hasn’t turned up for contact for 3 years and no one can compel him too.

snurguzelly · 16/01/2019 16:37

" he wants to change it over some girl he's never met!"

Unless she's a girl (not a woman), contact hours are the least of your worries.

Keep the misogyny under control.

LilyOf2 · 16/01/2019 16:38

i would hate to not see my children every weekend. OP see it as a blessing and take the every other weekend! It would have probably happened when she started school anyway (or you would never see her). Maybe ask he has her one night in the week then every other weekend?

ExFury · 16/01/2019 16:39

He's already missed out on so much like her first day at nursery and her first parents evening

In the nicest possible way - that’s his problem. All you can do is do your best for your DD. What he chooses is (obviously within reason) up to him and it’s his loss if he doesn’t prioritise your DD

AWishForWingsThatWork · 16/01/2019 16:39

I'd offer a compromise: you'll switch to EOW when she starts school, which will also give you time to sort out different working hours for yourself somewhere.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 16:40

He won't have her during the week because he doesn't work set hours so he doesn't know what time he'll be home

That shouldn't be too much of a problem though if the pair of you work together and put your DD first.

My ex had a job like that and on the weekday, I wouldn't make plans so if he did manage to take the DC for a few hours, it was a bonus for me and a bonus for them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2019 16:41

Most people seem to have missed the fact that the OP will have to give up her part-time job if he won't take her on Sat nights.

OutPinked · 16/01/2019 16:42

EOW contact only works if the NRP has them during the week too imo. It’s fair enough sharing weekends because it gives both parents some ‘time off’ but it’s not ok when the NRP only has them for two weekends a month and nothing in between.

He’s also only doing this because he wants to date a tinder girl. It’s not very good parenting to want to see your child less for the sake of a woman.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 16:42

And perhaps it's not as much to do with this particular woman that he wants to meet, but more to do with him realising now he's moving on and wanting to date, he's going to need every other weekend free?

You must've known it wasn't an arrangement that could realistically last forever?

Original poster
Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:43

He wants to change it because she works every other Friday and he won't meet up with her during the week. It wasn't a problem when he was seeing someone else when we split up so I don't see why it's a problem now. He won't have her during the week because he doesn't have set hours so he doesn't know what time he'll finish and he'd rather go to the pub instead

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 16:43

Most people seem to have missed the fact that the OP will have to give up her part-time job if he won't take her on Sat nights.

The OP will have to do her best to arrange childcare for herself which of course won't be easy, but again she must've known the arrangement couldn't rally last forever.

Lunde · 16/01/2019 16:45

So he wants you to give up work so that he can see his gf?

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 16:46

He won't have her during the week because he doesn't have set hours so he doesn't know what time he'll finish and he'd rather go to the pub instead

This is what you to need to focus on and try to change. Not the fact he feels you're forcing him to continue with every single weekend, to the point where he wants to take you to court....which as far as I'm aware isn't even 'doable'?

Like a PP said, it's weird to take someone to court because you want less contact Confused

Unless of course he thinks you're going to stop him seeing his DD altogether perhaps?

Queenofthestress · 16/01/2019 16:49

I'm sorry to say but YABU
Every other weekend is a standard arrangement, you can't force him to have her. Thats just how it goes.

Original poster
Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:51

He knows I wouldn't stop him from seeing her and I don't see why I should have to give up a days work just because he wants to put a woman before his daughter. I would never put anything or anyone before my kids. I am not forcing him to do anything but he was the one that wanted her every weekend and has never had a problem with it, if he wanted to go out on a Friday or Saturday then either I would have her or his mum would look after her but he is asking to go from 8 nights a month to 4 and won't cut his hours down at work or stop going to the pub to see her during the week

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 16/01/2019 16:51

It’s not a sustainable arrangement once she is in school. I would think through how you want things to be once school starts. Should you do a week on week off? Should he have every other weekend and 1-2 weeknights? Should midweek visits be overnights and deliver to school or just the evening? Who is responsible for days off during the week? Should those be in a pattern as well?

Realistically if he wants to actually be a parent, he is going to have to give up at least half of the pub nights.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/01/2019 16:57

He has her every weekend?? Wow!

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 16:57

I notice your NN says you have 2 girls.

Who looks after the other one while you're working?

GB54 · 16/01/2019 16:59

Sorry but YABU. When she’s in school you’ll want to spend weekends with her, as others have said. Every other weekend and maybe some midweek contact (either an overnight or just for dinner) is fairly standard and more fair.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/01/2019 17:02

Going by your username you have 2 daughters so who has your other daughter when you are working on a saturday?

MissMilly88 · 16/01/2019 17:02

Me and my partner have his son every weekend, it's tough going especially with us both working Monday to Friday but ultimately now we are used to having him so frequently we wouldn't be able to give it up. Your ex will presumably have to pay more child maintenance to you if he has her less but I'm guessing he's factored in to his plans.
The set up me and my partner have works quite well as every week we either have a Friday or Saturday night to ourselves. It's as follows:
Week 1 : Friday from 5pm until Saturday at 5pm
Week 2: Saturday at 10am until Sunday at 5pm.

That way the sons mum can work shifts if she needs but also gets every other Sunday to do nice things with him. Plus we get one day a fortnight for us.

May be worth suggesting something similar?

Howdoyoudoit31 · 16/01/2019 17:03

He wanted every weekend nearly 3 years ago.

Circumstances change. Every weekend was never realistically going to last forever. He may want some free time hiself on a weekend to move on with his life and I can’t blame him for that. Eow is pretty standard. Not many women would get with a man and never see him on a weekend on his own, unless your totally happy with your child meeting a women straight away?

I also can’t see how you wouldn’t want your own child some weekends? She will be at school soon and your going to get no fun bits or spend any proper time with her?

Bluestitch · 16/01/2019 17:04

I understand why you are fed up OP. He wanted every weekend and so you arranged your work schedule around that and now he suddenly wants to change it for his convenience. There isn't really much you can do about it though, you can't force him to have her and EOW is better once she starts school.

SD1978 · 16/01/2019 17:06

As someone has asked- where does your other child go during the Saturday shift? I can see both sides- at the moment your not missing any 'fun time' but that will change when she gets to school. I wouldn't want to be the weekday parent and never the fun time parent which EW will make you. At the moment, unless he's willing to subsidise the Saturday, I can understand not wanting to earn less. Is there any chance of changing the Saturday shift in the future? Unfortunately you can't force him to take her. He says no- and that's that. It's where the system is unfair at times. Contact can only be enforced if the NRP wants more time. Wants less? Tough shit on the RP and any commitments they may have.

Swipe left for the next trending thread