Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to change when he has his daughter

111 replies

Mumof2girls1990 · 16/01/2019 16:04

My ex recently joined a dating site and has been talking to someone and was planning on meeting her his weekend. I don't have a problem with him moving on but over the last 2 years he's had our daughter every Friday night to Sunday afternoon and now wants to change when he has her because he won't be able to meet this girl. I've said he can have her every weekend as normal and then every other weekend when she's not working he can have our daughter Saturday to Sunday but he just wants her every other weekend and threatened to take me to court. He works Monday to Friday and doesn't see her during the week so he wanted to have her every weekend so he can spend time with her. Am I being unreasonable by saying he can't have her twice a month when he doesn't see her during the week?

OP posts:
OutPinked · 16/01/2019 17:29

He has agreed to have her every weekend and for now, he should adhere to that. As someone else pointed out, he should find childcare for his contact hours if necessary but it’s not down to you to pick up even more of the slack just because he wants to get his end away.

Every weekend perhaps isn’t as viable once your DD starts school full time. As I said in a PP, EOW is fine provided he also has her some time during the week.

Having said all of this, sadly he doesn’t have to see her at all if he doesn’t want to and you can’t force him to see her.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/01/2019 17:29

Sorry, does it all. Autocorrect is a pita

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2019 17:32

I’d go for eow the weekend times by negotiation, eow sat pm to sun am until your dd goes to school. As pps said you won’t want all of the difficult bits with none of the fun stuff. Little kids do very little during the week as they are tired after school and sleep long hours. You will have to fit all the reading, phonics learning and homework etc into this time, which will be hard for both of you. You really will find you won’t have fun times with your dd if you let him have her every week.

joanmcc · 16/01/2019 17:34

I'm not jealous, why would I be jealous over the fact he has to pay to get a date lol.

You either misunderstand dating sites, or I've misunderstood his arrangement.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 17:34

I'm not jealous, why would I be jealous over the fact he has to pay to get a date lol.

What do you mean by 'pay'?

MsLexic · 16/01/2019 17:34

He has her the WHOLE weekend EVERY weekend? Well, that's been very good I guess...and you are not willing to change this a bit for him? Because you want your weekends free as well? How odd!
Every OTHER weekend is generally the norm.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 17:35

If he reduces his time with her then his family suffer as well.

Yes but that's not your problem.

OP, who has your other child when you work Saturdays?

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/01/2019 17:42

It's a shame for your daughter as I'm sure she must look forward to seeing him so often. Standard contact is usually every other weekend and a Wednesday evening if appropriate.

Would mid-week contact work?

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/01/2019 17:44

MsLexic Shock - Father looks after OWN child two days per week.

blueskiesandforests · 16/01/2019 17:44

EOW shouldn't be "normal" unless combined with some weekdays though.

She has two parents, her dad isn't doing her a favour.

Both parents should either be flexible or pay for/ arrange childcare if their time with DD clashes with work. Or both.

blueskiesandforests · 16/01/2019 17:47

EOWeekend shouldn't be normal unless he also has her some weekdays I mean. But this does sound as though both parents are fighting for less time with their child.

Are there two dds OP?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 16/01/2019 17:57

Yabu,

EOW is pretty standard, it means both parents can balance work life / family / social life.

If he chooses to not see his child during the week then that’s his loss.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 16/01/2019 17:58

His family can come and collect her in the week and take her for tea if they are that bothered.

flumpybear · 16/01/2019 18:01

He needs to Compromise then and come up with a workable plan for both of you

He has her every weekend sat and Sunday, but Friday included every other weekend - in exchange you get a night 'off' every other week too

He must do Saturday as you work unless there's another option in which case you get a night off every week

garethsouthgatesmrs · 16/01/2019 18:14

sorry op he does sound like a selfish dick but you are not responding to people suggesting you will hardly see your dd once she starts school. The arrangement you have is unfair on you and your dd and your family. Your ex should replace the weekend he misses by seeing her at least once in the week but if he chooses not to it's his loss and he will be forced to increase his child support payments to you.

Could the two of you not sit down together and work out a plan that suits both of you?

How would your dd feel if she knew you were fighting over NOT having her at the weekend. There are plenty of separated parents who would love to have extra weekends with their children.

I do sympathise over the work thing

MrJellyBean · 16/01/2019 18:28

Could he not have her whilst you're at work Saturday daytimes and drop her off in the evening? then she still gets to see her daddy weekly, he has Saturday evening free to date and you can still work your Saturdays x

Banana8080 · 16/01/2019 18:31

Say no to an overall reduction. But be open to talking about another solution.

BlackPrism · 16/01/2019 18:37

He needs to take her for some week nights if he wants alternate weekends.

winterisstillcoming · 16/01/2019 18:57

Could you have her Saturday and him on Sunday? Can he have her for a few full weeks if he cuts down on weekend time?

Starlight456 · 16/01/2019 20:50

Tbh.

You have every right to feel however you want.

However from a practical pov have you got anyone to have little one eow when your working,

Can you apply for flexible working? Work eow or increasedjours one Saturday?

Could you ask him for a period of time ?

I actually think long term you will be greatful. Not long till she starts school and you would have no quality time with her if he had her every weekend.

Yabu to stop contact as it’s not enough I your eyes.

Also if you refused he could take you to court to get what he wants

cadburyegg · 16/01/2019 21:05

YABU.

Every other weekend is a standard arrangement amongst thousands of separated parents across the country. You must have known that this every weekend arrangement wouldn’t last forever. It’s not about him putting a woman before his daughter, it’s that this current arrangement no longer works.

As for “missing out on her first day of nursery” missing out on what exactly? And parents evening... we have 2 children so my DH and I have to take turns with nursery parents evening. Presumably your child is in bed by 8pm during the week anyhow so there isn’t much time he could spend with her?

Maelstrop · 16/01/2019 21:27

think you're being a little unfair. He has her every weekend? When does he get time to do anything for himself?

When does the OP, given she works Saturday nights! Not everyone works Mon-Fri 9am-5pm.

user1490465531 · 16/01/2019 21:38

You sound immature and I get the feeling you like having every weekend to yourself job or not job.

NameChangeNugget · 16/01/2019 21:50

YABVU

Isleepinahedgefund · 16/01/2019 21:56

I suspect he has realised how restrictive the current arrangement is to his life. I agree with him actually.

I think you should push for him to do one night in the week in lieu of the weekend, to maintain the relationship. There are four other nights when he can go to the pub.

As many people have pointed out, when she starts school you really will almost never see her if your current arrangement stands. Then you'll be whining it's not fair and wanting to change it!