Would you confront somebody who lies about cancer?

[AutonomousSim]

I suspect somebody I know is fabricating health issues for attention, again. I have no proof other than past behaviour so don't know if I can outright call them a liar. This is the third time in three/four years they have strongly implied they have cancer (there has been other occasions where they've pretended to be at deaths door for other things and turned out to be fine)

The first time they said the hospital believed they had lung cancer and had everybody thinking they'd die then was magically given the all clear.

The second time they said they found a lump elsewhere that apparently turned out to be a boil in the end after having everybody worry about them for months.

Now they're saying there's another lump so they called their GP and were told that they'll being given an appointment at the hospital for "a couple months time" to investigate for cancer BUT they haven't seen the GP in person

Perhaps coincidentally but these announcements come about when they aren't getting much attention.

I hate to be so cynical but my spidey senses are screaming out that it's all for attention. Their relatives take no notice for this reason because they're known to lie, alot.

They do not have health anxiety, they do however love attention.

Would you call them out or not?

I probably wouldn't as they could have Munchausen Syndrome (can't spell it) and therefore they almost believe in it themselves.

I used to know someone who fabricated mental and physical illnesses when I was in College. At the time it really bugged me but now I appreciate that perhaps there was something additional going on.

I'm not going to "shut up and fuck off" @snurguzelly but thanks for your input 😂

@mytieisascarf perhaps so but she's not a MN user or somebody who frequents forums so she's unlikely to see this, and if she did perhaps it would prompt her to think twice before fabricating illnesses.

She's not mentally ill, she is however controlling and uses ill health to manipulate people. I struggle to have much empathy for somebody who will allow their child, relatives and friends to believe they have a terminal illness when they know full well they haven't. I've lost a relative to cancer and know several others who have so to pretend to have it and conduct other health problems is beyond the pale.

Why don't you just have nothing to do with this person? or if its a close family member just have as little contact as possible?
I don't see why you are that bothered just let them go OP.

I do have very little contact as it is these days but haven't frozen them out completely

Stop engaging, change the subject. Any attention to her is a positive thing in her mind so stop doing it.

It’s despicable to fabricate serious illnesses for attention.

But it’s also really, really shitty to post messages from a private conversation on a public forum.

In hindsight I shouldn't have posted the screenshots, I didn't see the harm at the time as I removed her name from the messages but I will ask MNHQ to take down the screenshots. I posted in haste but will remove the screenshots now if possible as I do see the points raised about posting private conversations.

I wanted people to be able to give their opinion based on what she's wrote, and screenshots are more credible than me simply relaying some of what she's said, as doubt could be cast over what I'm saying.

The reason I've bitten and engaged is because I was genuinely angered that she was implying cancer once again. This person knows I've lost a close relative to the disease and they also know I'm an anxious person, so I think it's bad to want to drag me into the fabrications and seek attention from me about it yet again.

I used to be good friends with a guy who lied a lot. He used to fabricate jobs, holidays, even once told us he was joining the army and then we were all when he just didn’t go anywhere on the date he had given for enlisting (like we knew he wouldn’t). We were a tight knit group of friends and we basically decided that his lies were coming from a place of insecurity, neediness and desperation. We didn’t confront him because it seemed unlikely that a happy person would feel the need to lie to their closest friends, and we didn’t want to make him even unhappier.

I also think it’s a bit similar to troll hunting online. You can’t absolutely know whether she’s lying or not. She probably is, but she could be telling the truth. A couple of times on MN I’ve seen very desperate and genuine people torn to shreds by troll hunters (some of them established and popular posters, sadly) because they got it wrong. MN advice would be not to engage and to report. You can't "report" her, but you can disengage and that is better IMO than confronting someone who is potentially not in a very good place, or is actually genuine this time.

I know there’s a history of deception with this friend, but the current story with the lumps that keep recurring and being sent straight to hospital without investigation from the GP doesn’t sound too far fetched to be fair. My DD has a medical issue for which she has been seen by a paediatric consultant. His decision was to “wait and see” but in case things develop or worsen, he has sort of pre-referred us so we can get the GP to send us straight back to the consultant with no further investigation required from GP. Maybe this could be the case with your friend and would explain why they aren’t being investigated by their GP and have been sent straight to hospital?

I think the best thing you can do OP is rise above it, disengage and let them crack on. That way there's no harm done if there is some truth to it (however exaggerated) and it's not doing your head in if it turns out to be lies.

Write yourself a list of answers, and insert one.

"That's a very unusual decision by your GP"
"It's such a shame this keeps happening to you"
"I'm sure it'll work itself out in the end"
"I'm sorry to hear that"
"Let me know how it goes"

I know you want to be proved right, but this is one turd you can't polish.

I know someone like this and it’s exhausting

Don’t engage. Just say “oh sorry to hear that” and then don’t reply again

Silence can be deafening

OP, I've been through rapid ENT because of suspected Cancer. I had a lump. I was given a needle biopsy amd ultrasound, within days, because we have a really good service and ENT have their own appointments at X Ray. Within a month I had a diagnosis.

I've had subsequent issues and no longer go via my GP. I've got a point of contact in the clinic. They've made decisions to do further biopsies, remove lymph nodes and my tonsils. I've never really gone to my GP because I have a underlying condition.

When I had a mole change, I was sent straight to dermatology, who hold emergency appointments.

I have complex health issues and I'm under the complex care team.

All systems don't work the same for everyone.

So don't think that you know exactly what happens.

Not to say she isn't lying, but don't think someone is, because someone you know has gone down a certain pathway to diagnosis or treatment.

Fuck me! Can't get past all the "little ones".

This doesn't add up, no.

This person knows I've lost a close relative to the disease and they also know I'm an anxious person, so I think it's bad to want to drag me into the fabrications and seek attention from me about it yet again

It is bad. It's a horrible thing to do. But you can't stop her, all you can do is manage your response to her and if it gets bad enough, block her. And don't feel bad if you do. Each and every one of us has an absolute right to guard our mental/emotional well-being. And that trumps someone else's 'need' to attention-seek.

Look at it this way, every time you walk in front of me I kick you in the bum and telling me to stop doesn't stop me. I'll be that pretty soon you wouldn't walk in front of me anymore! Same thing. She is causing you pain. Engaging to try and stop her bullshit doesn't work. So, stop engaging.

I know she's part of a 'group', but if someone said to me "I've decided I need to block XXX. I lost to cancer and her fake cancer 'scares' are really upsetting to me" I would certainly understand.

I've realised from some of the comments that not everybody is dealt with the same way via the GP particularly if they have a history of illness and I accept that, but I really struggle to believe a word she says because she lied completely about being diagnosed with cancer in the past. Its like the boy who cried wolf. I really hope she never has to go through anything so serious because it's unlikely the people she needs to believe her will believe her without proof.

We were close until the fake cancer diagnosis then I saw a different side of her which I didn't like. It really disturbed me that she could allow her child to believe she was terminally ill when she wasn't. Her own DS doesn't believe a word she says anymore and is very low contact now for that reason.

As a good friend at the time I was absolutely gutted for her and her family, I was in awe of her perceived strength and was reduced to tears at the prospect of her not being around any more.

How somebody can inflict such needless misery on people they're supposed to care for is beyond me.

Can you ask her not to text you about her lumps and bumps again, given that this is an ongoing (blood poisoning) issue that is being managed?

I don't expect she'll pull the cancer scare card again to me personally after today as ive questioned it to the point that she has backtracked, but there will be something else eventually.

Like before when she's claimed to have excessive fluid on the lungs that the NHS are happy to leave there, or messaging to say she thinks she's having a heart attack but doesn't want an ambulance.

I don't think I want to be friends with somebody who tries to inflict stress on me for attention so I may remove her from social media and block messages for the time being.

I had a suspected malignant tumor, it was biopsied within ten days, and removed two weeks later as it was beign but starting to mutate, I was pre-op'd and had surgery within a week. In total it was a month from the biopsy to the sugery.
This doesnt sound like a tumor to me based on my experience.

Well, if she's a MNer, or anyone she's been talking to about it as well as you is, there's more than enough information and detail to massively out yourself so if that's the case you probably won't be bothered by her again when she finds out and ditches you herself!
Even without the screen shots you've given enough detail.
Plus I'm with the pp who says bad form to upload personal messages to an international forum.
Then all the bitching about her behind her back.

I've already reported my posts with the photos of the chat and asked for the screenshots to be removed.

However she's welcome to ditch me, I've already massively reduced contact since the last time she was pretending to be very ill so It will be no loss to me.

AIBU is almost exclusively people bitching about other people for far lesser reasons.

I don't feel as though being angry that somebody lies about cancer and having seriously bad health makes me the wrong party here.

As someone who lost a brother to cancer, I'd have no hesitation in calling her out on her bullshit and then blocking her.

She hasn't had cancer, she's vague as fuck, she doesn't have any referral letters. She is doing all of it for attention. So if she wants attention she can have it in the form of wrath.

And I'd have no problem letting other people know she was a billy bullshitter.

I despise people who do this, and to make her own son believe that she had terminal cancer is fucking disgusting.

You're not the wronged party OP, so you put screenshots online, big deal. If she wasn't an attention seeker then you'd have no cause to question her authenticity would you....

We've now removed images at OP's request.

I’d keep my nose out to be fair. They could be lying which is an awful thing to do but it’s conpletely non of your business op.

If someone has one type of cancer they are more at risk of getting another as I was told by a hospital specialist they are also extremely self aware as I am and I have had other things investigated just incase. I myself have a blood cancer it can’t be cured just treated if it kicks off and impacts on my life. I live a relatively normal life on watch and worry and will have 6 monthly checks forever. If someone ever dare have the audacity to accuse me of lying after living with this I would go completely ape shit and wouldn’t be responsible for my actions. So beware op.....!!!

@Strokethefurrywall That's exactly how I felt when I posted, I don't owe her any more sympathy than she's affording me by targeting me with lies to gain attention and sympathy at the expense of people who are battling serious illnesses or losing loved ones to them. I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother.

Thanks Lily

What she is doing is shit, I lost my parents to cancer.
However I do think she must have some other serious issues. Whether it be a mental health problem or a severe lack of self confidence and therefore over compensates with lies that she can’t get out of. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ but what I do know is there may come a day when she needs friends. I would distance myself but not cut her off completely. Although that’s easier said than done