Would you confront somebody who lies about cancer?

[AutonomousSim]

I suspect somebody I know is fabricating health issues for attention, again. I have no proof other than past behaviour so don't know if I can outright call them a liar. This is the third time in three/four years they have strongly implied they have cancer (there has been other occasions where they've pretended to be at deaths door for other things and turned out to be fine)

The first time they said the hospital believed they had lung cancer and had everybody thinking they'd die then was magically given the all clear.

The second time they said they found a lump elsewhere that apparently turned out to be a boil in the end after having everybody worry about them for months.

Now they're saying there's another lump so they called their GP and were told that they'll being given an appointment at the hospital for "a couple months time" to investigate for cancer BUT they haven't seen the GP in person

Perhaps coincidentally but these announcements come about when they aren't getting much attention.

I hate to be so cynical but my spidey senses are screaming out that it's all for attention. Their relatives take no notice for this reason because they're known to lie, alot.

They do not have health anxiety, they do however love attention.

Would you call them out or not?

To me it reads as someone not very bright who thinks they might have cancer because they've found a lump. Sorry to be blunt but I think I would leave them alone. It's harmless attention seeking, not like those who fake cancer for financial gain etc. Ywnbu to be cautious however.

Xpost. If they've out right lied then I can see why your suspicious.

If the last lump was a boil and she has said it's the same again then reference the fact that they may need to just lance the boil this time, but it shouldn't hurt as I'm sure they'll give a local anaesthetic - see what she replies. I had to step back from someone who constantly referred to medical issues, be it with her or members of her extended family. It nearly drove me demented myself listening to her. I don't stop to chat anymore.

I’d reply with something like-

“That’s really strange, as it sounds like they aren’t following the usual process if they suspect it’s cancer”

And show her this picture from the NHS website. There’s also the NICE guidelines which give more detail on the diagnosis process if you know the location of “the lump”.

My DM has just been recently diagnosed with cancer. People like your friend/relation who use a health concern as an opportunity to get a cheap bit of attention make me sick.

Let's hope they're not a MNetter...!

All seems a bit vague. Surely the GP would call them in for an examination rather than referring them anywhere on just their word. If indeed they have been referred, they can't be too concerned if they haven't given an urgent appointment.

That's very odd and manipulating behaviour if they are lying to get attention. I don't know - would it be classed as a MH issue? If it is, then I guess you have some sympathy,,, but still not sure exactly what you'd do. If it is just a nasty streak, I'd be out of there pdq. Who wants to be manipulated

I've come across two people who have done this a man I worked with who said he had skin cancer for attention and a woman whos husband left her. She wanted him back so went round telling everyone and him included she was dying of cancer.She even lied to her adult children.
I think its a combination of mental helath problems and attention seeking.
So I wouldn't call her out on it OP, I just would have nothing to do with her or want to be discussing her with others either.Leave her to her fantasy world.

It appears to be attention-seeking at the very least. I'd be very non-committal and brief with replies from now on.

I used to work with someone like this. Having lost several very close family members to cancer, I know the procedures and I knew that my colleague wasn’t being truthful. Everyone that knows her knows she does it. I ignored it and generally kept her at arms length. She eventually fell out with her close family because of her health lies. They called her out on it but she was insistent that she wasn’t lying. I doubt she’ll ever change. She is estranged from her family now.

I can understand health anxiety but my colleague was definitely doing this for attention that I think was deep rooted as lacking in her childhood, unfortunately.

Hmm.
Bit 50/50 on this one.

I would reply with "oh well, that must be worrying. do update us after you have been seen " and change the subject...

Some people are just attention seeking, but I don’t really know why you are thinking of calling them out on it? I’ve met people like that - just said something like “well, hope you’re OK” and moved on.

If this person is a Mumsnetter, then I hope they read this and feel ashamed. Having had several relatives, including my mum, have cancer means I'm aware of what goes on, and this doesn't add up for me.

Just do the minimum you have to do to make yourself feel OK. No point calling out the lying. No point either in feeding him with extra attention.

They're not a mumsnetter I know that for certain.

The stories change all the time. You can't get boils on your lungs can you? Even so, the first time when they said they had lung cancer there was no mention of boils, just that the hospital had got it wrong and they didn't have cancer in the end. They didn't say what "the problem" was.

The second time they mentioned a lump they had everybody thinking it was cancer for months then when no treatment or progression ensued they said it was just a boil.

I've pressed them today and pointed out the guidelines for the NHS investigating suspicious lumps, asked them what the lumps turned out to be before and they can't give me an answer apart from saying "it's not cancer yet" but only after I've pointed out the procedure for diagnosing cancer.

I think they may have MH issues in terms of the perpetual attention-seeking.

However, I don't think it's worth accessing them of fibbing though, just slowly... back... away...

If it's annoying you just take a step back and stop engaging.

*accusing

The texts don't seem too bad on their own like that.
But if you do suspect that this is about attention then actually your responses are feeding that by going into it too much.
The best thing to do is just shut down that line of conversation. so you say 'sorry to hear that, never mind. Anyway have you been to xxx or seen yyy lately', or some other line of conversation.
You are getting drawn into it. If you didn't give her that attention then she wouldn't embellish and create these situation.
Like a puppy or child - make sure she is getting your positive attention anyway, then reward good behaviours and ignore the bad ones...

I knew someone who did this. I shared my concerns with a mutual friend. Long story short, they all turned against me & she threatened to sue me ! Leave well alone & don't engage.

However, I don't think it's worth accessing them of fibbing though, just slowly... back... away...

This.

You’ve done what you can in pointing out that things don’t quite add up. For your own sanity just take a step back and keep things light and non-committal.

If they start s GoFund me for treatment or whatever maybe think again, but I think you’ve said enough to make it obvious that you aren’t buying it this time.

Hmmmm
This is a hard one. I lost both my parents to cancer (they were only in their 50s at the time) and from their first GP appointment, to seeing a specialist at the hospital was less than 10days, neither of my parents had previous health scares/no diabetes/high blood pressure/heart issues/were non smokers, so they were not fast tracked or anything, it’s just how the nhs operate. With this in mind I would be massively dubious of your friends story.
However, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have lumps, and maybe there has been talk of needing to remove them before they become cancerous and maybe she has just heard that word and though ahhh I have cancer...I don’t know, but I wouldn’t rush to confront her until you have proof.

I wouldn't play into their hands. A simple "Oh that's too bad, hope it's not serious. Let me know when you find out" should suffice. Make no further inquiries, ask no questions.

I had a friend who would call me out of the blue and tell me she'd been diagnosed with this, that, and the other (including stroke and cancer). Then later tell me that it had 'disappeared' or she was 'cured', usually because her doctor told her to take some type of 'oil' or 'they don't know why'. In the beginning I'd be calling her almost daily to find out how she was (we live about 1500 miles apart) and giving her a lot of attention. Eventually I realized she was attention seeking and started replying as above and she stopped doing it.

I appreciate unless you know them and their history of lying then the messages themselves don't read too badly, but it's the history that makes me doubt any sincerity.

Cancer scares aside there has been another occasion where they were messaging me saying they had severe chest pains and couldn't breath. I told them to go to A&E and they refused, so I called their bluff and said right ok stay where you are I'm going to call you an ambulance. They miraculously recovered and managed to respond instantly telling me as much, saying they're fine now and don't need an ambulance.

I was once acquainted with a woman who told everyone that her two children had died. She'd actually had two early miscarriages. Not quite the same thing really.

A very close family member did similar. Even as far as claimed surgery yet have photos of rough and tumble on the floor with my dc the day after the apparent op! In cahoots with other family members we deliberately spoke over them changing the subject whenever the Big C was about to /mentioned. We never text back referring to any messages regarding farce facts, just breezy ones about family goings on!!
Soon stopped when the attention they wanted wasn't forth coming. We supported family member in other aspects of life, dc /job /other worries. We just were not going to be made fools of.
*I actually lost sleep at the start, then got The Rage at being taken for a mug.