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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to buy a house until engaged?

102 replies

longtimelurker231 · 15/01/2019 11:51

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am in my mid-twenties and my partner is in his late twenties. We currently own a flat together which we have sold and cannot complete until we buy a house. We've had a few problems, no abuse or cheating but have really strained our relationship recently with some issues and are working on it. They aren't huge and I think it's from different levels of maturity, i.e. I am more mature.

Anyway, I am wanting to get married to him. We always discussed that we would and I thought it would have happened last year but he wasn't ready. We've just found a house we both love and can afford and want to buy. We have been together almost 4 years now.

However, I am starting to wonder whether the marriage is actually going to happen. He wants us to buy the house together but I see it as a bigger commitment now as if he doesn't propose in the next few years I'd really consider leaving as it would seem like he was never going to do it - when you know you know right? and buying a house would be a huge financial commitment I only want to do if we are planning on it being forever.

So now I've said I don't want to buy until we are engaged but it comes across as an ultimatum as he doesn't want to rent after we sell and also wants this house we both love, whilst i'm of the same opinion, i'd still rather miss out because i'll end up financially tied and resentful, considering there's about 10k of stamp duty too it's an expensive decision.

One minute he says it's the cost of the ring but I've said I don't want an expensive one and we can look at the weekend, then he isn't happy with the ultimatum. The thing is though, that I genuinely feel this way and one of us needs to compromise.

He said 'what if I guarantee it happens within a year?' I said no to this as he could easily back out and has said it would be within the year last time which never happened.

Do you have any advice? WWYD?
I know he does want to be with me and does love me, he seems scared if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 15/01/2019 11:53

I’m sorry but if he did want to marry you he’d agree. He’s finding excuses.

Bambamber · 15/01/2019 11:53

Engagement is no guarantee of marriage either though. If marriage is a deal breaker, wait to buy until you are married

FlibbertyGiblets · 15/01/2019 11:55

Don't tit about with choosing engagement ring and whatnot. Set a date for your wedding. If he says no then there is your answer. Get rid.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/01/2019 11:57

Even if you get engaged he could still back out from marrying you

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2019 11:57

Promises are easily broken, and an engagement is a promise, doesn't mean he wants to get married in the next decade or ever. However you're using the house as leverage to get him to propose, and I'd personally feel a bit uncomfortable with forcing someone like that.

He's already told you he's not ready, up to you what you do next, but forcing him to propose, well is that the way you wish to get engaged? Wouldn't you prefer to know he was doing it because he wanted to?

LizzieSiddal · 15/01/2019 12:01

I’d feel the same way. He’s said he will marry you and he has gone back in it so why should you buy a house with him?

So in your situation, I’d ask him if he wants to marry you. If he says yes, then say great, let’s book the registry office for next week.

Then you can buy the house.

LizzieSiddal · 15/01/2019 12:02

Imo, if he’s “not ready to get married” after 4 years, then he isn’t ready to be buying a house either. What is the difference?

MatildaTheCat · 15/01/2019 12:06

Pushing him into engagement means very little unless you are actively planning a wedding. I do see your point of view but unfortunately I see his and if he’s still maturing and you’ve been having some issues then he’s probably right and he’s not quite ready.

I wouldn’t let this stand in the way of buying the house you both love.

Huntawaymama · 15/01/2019 12:08

Just propose to him! I really dislike these posts where a woman is pressuring a man to propose. You do it.
Engagement means very little anyway he can still not marry you

Pachyderm1 · 15/01/2019 12:08

It doesn’t sound like he wants to marry you - at least not yet. Is he definitely the one? Are you absolutely sure you want to commit to a relationship which is already strained?

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 15/01/2019 12:11

An engagement is meaningless when it is marriage that you want. If you are having doubts now, and being married is important to you, then I’d take this as a convenient stage financially to end your relationship and move on.

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 15/01/2019 12:13

That’s not necessarily true, Lizzie. Lots of couples live happily and faithfully way beyond 4 years without the need to get married. Some choose to marry later in their relationship, some don’t. Just because someone doesn’t want to marry early-ish on, isn’t an automatic ‘red flag’ for a commitmentphobe in every situation.

DH and I married after 2 yrs but friend of ours married after 8 and 20+ years respectively. They are no less in love or committed than DH and I.

OP, only you know whether the issues in your relationship are deal-breakers or not but I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water if the only issue was marriage (but i’m not sure it is with you two).

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2019 12:13

She pretty much has proposed to all intents and purposes, even suggesting going for an engagement ring at the weekend, and he's said no.

howabout · 15/01/2019 12:14

I don't see the difference between owning a flat jointly and owning a house jointly. On that basis YABU.

In some ways getting engaged just muddies the waters and may stop you sorting out the financials and ownership properly to protect your individual positions.

If you were planning a baby and changing earning pattern that would be different.

Original poster
longtimelurker231 · 15/01/2019 12:14

It's very difficult.

He sees the engagement as a definite to marriage so I don't feel as if he'd back out or use the ring as a method of getting me into the house etc. I'm sure he wouldn't back out unless it was necessary.

I don't want to force him and I do feel like I am but I also don't want to risk it. I feel very scared to. He wants to be with me but I think the problems in our relationship he is starting to doubt.
He has said to so many people we will be married 'when you know you know' he always says but then doesn't follow through. We've discussed our kids and their future names, we are very committed in so many ways.

IMO I don't see a house as less of a commitment. I think a marriage is just as easy to leave as we would definitely secure ourselves and our assets to be careful. But a house is very difficult to leave - you need to sell, cover costs, buy a new place, what if we have kids by then? I don't get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
longtimelurker231 · 15/01/2019 12:18

Also we would never let anything in the way of how we split financials. I work in finance quite high up and am very knowledgeable on those aspects. At the moment we earn the same but in 8 months time I will be on double his salary, so I would always protect myself. We are both happy keeping our financials separate apart from joint household expenditure and this is also how we would pay for children.

OP posts:
ChristmasSnow · 15/01/2019 12:20

What's the difference?

Engaged, Married. You may still break up

SunnyTikka · 15/01/2019 12:26

You are attempting to blackmail him. For god's sake get some self respect.

SpannerH · 15/01/2019 12:26

you say if you know you know but then also say if he doesn't propose you'll leave. to me, if you loved him so much you wouldn't leave just because he isn't ready for marriage. You'll end up forcing his hand which won't end well.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 15/01/2019 12:26

He's not that into you.

Sorry to be blunt.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/01/2019 12:27

Sorry but forcing him to propose is no guarantee that you'll actually get married.

He's got cold feet for some reason. Have you asked him why? It may be that his parents had a bad divorce of something.

Either way, stop hanging all your future happiness on a ring. What matters is being in a happy, healthy relationship where you support and love each other. Being engaged itself means nothing.

You've mentioned there being some problems in your relationship - is it these that are making him cautious?

Lucisky · 15/01/2019 12:27

I also can't see the difference as you jointly own the flat already. If you both want to buy the house, then buy it. An engagement means nothing really, and you seem to be focusing on the ring rather a lot.

NWQM · 15/01/2019 12:28

Are you sure you understand why he doesn’t want to get married? Is it the marriage or the wedding? Has he seen friends life’s turned upside down by the planning of a wedding.

Are you sure he doesn’t want to get married? One reading is that he has an idea about how to propose. You pushing every aspect of it including when to go shopping isn’t very romantic.

Is one commitment at a time - buying a bigger house - enough for him.

Only you know what he is like... and you love and want to marry him so he must be special.

Fairenuff · 15/01/2019 12:28

He doesn't want to marry you.

Don't buy a house with him.

SavoyCabbage · 15/01/2019 12:28

I think you are being quite sensible thinking about this now. Most people don't think they will split up and don't think about selling a house in this way. We've just discovered I wasn't even on the mortgage for our house that we bought sixteen years ago. We think because I was pregnant and couldn't be arsed to go to the solicitors!Shock Which is obviously ridiculous and should never have happened.

It sounds a bit messy if you've sold your flat but don't want to buy a house together. He doesn't want to get married. That is the clearest part of the situation. You should buy somewhere on your own I think.

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