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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I respond to people commenting on the age I became a parent

115 replies

WobbleBottomBum · 14/01/2019 20:15

I had my child aged 21. I am now back working in the area I studied for having done retail & admin for 15 years. DC is now 16.

I'm 37 and this is the age most of my professional colleagues are having their first baby.

'Oh my god, I could never have had a child that young!'

'wow, I can't believe you have a teenager doing GCSEs!'

'you are only a 'basic entry level' still. God, I got that out of the way 10 years ago but I guess you were doing the mum thing'.

I'm getting tired of this and find it really hurtful.

Aibu to be upset ?
How do I respond in a professional way? What can I say in response? I normally just shrug or make noncommittal noises.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 14/01/2019 20:16

Just shrug or make non-committal noises Grin

Kylieemilyj · 14/01/2019 20:19

I dont know what to suggest sorry but im soon expecting my first aged 21...people already make the comments to me about ruining my life and all this. Im glad you have been successful and happy though, and having a kid at 21 isnt that young anyway imo

mummmy2017 · 14/01/2019 20:19

Oh yes, it is brilliant she is one of my best friends, we share everything, no baby sitters, and she loves too cook...
Just keep telling them about your amazing DD...

Houseonahill · 14/01/2019 20:22

Ugh I hate attitudes like that OP especially the entry level comments that is just plain rude. I would be tempted to say "at least I won't be a withered old hag when my DC finish school" but I don't think that will help you Grin

namechange898 · 14/01/2019 20:23

I had my DS at 16 and get a lot of comments, I'm 18 now. I can imagine they'll carry through even when I'm 40 with a child in his mid-20's!

Hadjab · 14/01/2019 20:26

We had our first when we were 21, second at 29, third at 36 - I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve been asked if they all have the same dad Hmm If anyone mentions your age, just tell them that whilst they are taking career breaks in their thirties to have kids, you’re free to concentrate on your job and improving your circumstances.

TooTrueToBeGood · 14/01/2019 20:26

We started our family young. We're both early fifties now and our youngest is 21, our older kids all have kids of their own. We've still got the energy to fully enjoy our grandchildren and the freedom to do whatever we please. By contrast, we've got friends our age who left it much later. Some of them will be in their sixties before their kids have all left. I feel sorry for them :)

Jenwiththecurls · 14/01/2019 20:27

I know it's tiring hearing the same thing over and over again but I'd just say try not to take it personally, because I can guarantee in 99.9% of cases they don't mean it to be an insult and absolutely don't respect you any less.

I'm 39 and ttc. My friend had a baby at 19 and her kid is now 19 and getting married next year. We sometimes joke about the fact my friend could be a grandma before I'm a mum! Of course it doesn't mean I judge her for her choices, and and it's never occurred to me to think she judges me for mine( i.e. leaving it so late).

Cherries101 · 14/01/2019 20:28

If the norm in your industry is for women to take mat leave in their late thirties then you shouldn’t say anything more than ‘yeah I got lucky’. As you said you’re still junior. You definitely don’t want to piss off any senior manager.

Lichtie · 14/01/2019 20:29

I don't think the first 2 examples are that bad... I would take those as a compliment.

FascinatingCarrot · 14/01/2019 20:29

I had my first at 16 and second at 19. Im now 48 and still get Hmm looks Grin

Pk37 · 14/01/2019 20:29

Who gives a shit what they think ? Just shrug them off .
I had ds at 18 and he’s now 18 .. I found it hard then as everyone was very judgemental but now I couldn’t give two fucks what anyone thinks.
He’s at a very good uni, he’s ambitious , clever and funny so I must have done something right despite the age I had him .

Cherries101 · 14/01/2019 20:30

A lot of women in their late thirties, especially in senior roles, don’t tend to take a year’s mat leave or a career break. You might find they’re back to work in 3 months with their pre-pregnancy figure back and then if you said something like ‘I took a career break when I was young and you’re doing do it now’ you’ll be seen as weak.

HeathRobinson · 14/01/2019 20:30

'So glad I got all the baby stuff out the way when I had the energy to do it. I'd hate to have to start that now. Still, I guess you were doing the work thing.'

The teenager doing GCSEs is a neutral to favourable comment so I wouldn't worry about that sort.

newtlover · 14/01/2019 20:31

I think shrug and non committal noises is good or-
'ah well, it's swings and roundabouts isn't it- I had plenty of energy when they were a baby and now I can really concentrate on my career without any childcare worries!- so- (changes subject)...'

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 14/01/2019 20:31

OP some people in this country live very narrow lives.

I know and grew up with women who had children in their late teens and early/mid 40s, others who just had them in their teens and others who just had them in their 40s plus those who were more "average".

As a PP said just say things like " it is brilliant she is one of my best friends, we share everything, no baby sitters, and she loves too cook..."

@Houseonahill not every woman who has a kid in their late 30s and 40s looks old in their 50s and 60s. I use to get pissed off by the male comment about my mum.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 14/01/2019 20:32

time for the classic mumsnet "did you mean to be so rude"

although fuck off works well for me

Im at the other end of the spectrum, ancient but me and dp want to try for a baby

Howdoyoudoit31 · 14/01/2019 20:32

To the entry level one you should of asked ‘did you mean to be so rude?’

The rest of them I would just say something like yeh well I didn’t want to be an old mum.. like you.

MimiSunshine · 14/01/2019 20:32

Oh my god, I could never have had a child that young!'
why is that? Were you very immature at that age? turn it into a question they feel defensive about but without actually critising them.

'wow, I can't believe you have a teenager doing GCSEs!'
well trust me, I’m definitely 37, not 27 ☺️ deliberately assume they are saying you look far too young

'you are only a 'basic entry level' still. God, I got that out of the way 10 years ago but I guess you were doing the mum thing'.
well hopefully you’ll be able to pick up where you left off after you’ve had kids, you hear so much about womens careers suffering once they reach a certain level but also want to work p/t
That is assuming you’re reasonably certain they want kids. If they then say they’d only come back f/t, you tilt your head svdcsay something like oh right But with a slightly surprised / judgy face on.
They won’t call you out on it but will make them feel as shat upon as their comment to you did.

Outnotdown · 14/01/2019 20:33

I might give a tight little smile, and say " you've NO idea how often I hear that".

If you want to take a swipe back, you could ask the older parents if they don't worry about not having enough energy to keep up with their kids as the kids get older. Keep the tone very friendly, though.

MrsTommyBanks · 14/01/2019 20:35

I had my first at 18.
I just used to point out that I would still be young enough to live life to the full when my kids were independent. Where as they would be nearing retirement.

Wishiwasincornwall · 14/01/2019 20:35

Just hold your tongue for a couple of years then sit and laugh as you enter middle age as a free woman and they are just about to begin the sleepless nights, potty training, toddler tantrums, playground politics, nits, homework arguments, puberty etc. Ooh then you get to say "I don't know how you can do it at this age. Aren't you really tired running around after a toddler at your age?"

Ellisandra · 14/01/2019 20:36

Your last example is bloody rude, but the other two comments are just mindless chit chat and not critical at all. Whilst I know there are mean people out there, I bet the majority of people don’t mean anything by their comments at all - and you sound sensitive about it.

Shrug and ignore, or just be relentlessly positive.
Child doing GCSEs? - I know, hard to believe, isn’t it?!
Still a junior role? - Yeah, I’m so excited to have started on this career now!

Being positive will make you feel better, and when you come across the odd person who IS being mean, it’ll take the wind out of their sales that they didn’t get to you Wink

emilybrontescorsett · 14/01/2019 20:37

21 is not going to have a child, we are designed for it!
My mum was 21 when she had me and I'm glad she wasn't older.
Attitudes change. I remember my great aunt long, long ago berating my aunt for getting pregnant at the grand old age of 36! She told her it was disgusting and she should be ashamed getting pregnant at that age.

I don't have any advice, maybe just smile and say " it's been great".

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/01/2019 20:37

It may be that they are just commenting because it is an interesting subject. (I find the whole “what age to get married” and “what age to have kids” fascinating. NB I was a very young 20 and a very average 30 respectively.)

Or they might be having a dig.

Either way - best thing to do is to respond “intellectually” implying that you have also spent time pondering this.

Then if it was just interested musings you can muse together. If it was having a dig then you will ruin their fun.

So......

“Oh my god, I could never have had a child that young!”
“Yes - it has pros and cons. I did sometimes feel I was losing out. On the other hand I had so much energy to deal with sleepless nights etc. I can’t imagine having to do it now - other than the sleepless nights I get over DC and their GCSEs ha ha ha!”

'wow, I can't believe you have a teenager doing GCSEs!'
“I know - me neither! Scary times! Make the most of it - the days are long but the years are so short! It feels like only yesterday that they were starting primary school!”

'you are only a 'basic entry level' still. God, I got that out of the way 10 years ago but I guess you were doing the mum thing'.
“Yes. I wonder if a study has been done in when the best time to have kids is career wise. As I’ve obviously missed out on career progression up until now but now have 30 years where I can really focus. You’ve had 15 years of focus but it’ll be much harder now. Maybe the best thing is to be in the middle - so about 30? Actually the best thing is to probably be a man with a stay at home wife! In my next life I’m definitely doing that ha ha ha”