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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I respond to people commenting on the age I became a parent

115 replies

WobbleBottomBum · 14/01/2019 20:15

I had my child aged 21. I am now back working in the area I studied for having done retail & admin for 15 years. DC is now 16.

I'm 37 and this is the age most of my professional colleagues are having their first baby.

'Oh my god, I could never have had a child that young!'

'wow, I can't believe you have a teenager doing GCSEs!'

'you are only a 'basic entry level' still. God, I got that out of the way 10 years ago but I guess you were doing the mum thing'.

I'm getting tired of this and find it really hurtful.

Aibu to be upset ?
How do I respond in a professional way? What can I say in response? I normally just shrug or make noncommittal noises.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 15/01/2019 06:28

People are having kids too late now which is why so many struggle through ivf. It wasnt that long ago when having kids at 18 was the norm..ignore.
People are weird.

gamerwidow · 15/01/2019 06:33

If people are rude enough to comment I doubt they’ll respond to anything you say so I would just shrug and make a non commital noise. I has DD quite late at 34 and it makes juggling work and childcare really hard. I can definitely see the advantages of having that stage of your life behind you and being able to focus on yourself now.

Toffeeandyawns · 15/01/2019 06:51

I have a 20 year old, I’m 42...
I still get comments. I laugh, because I do look young for my age, and say ‘oh I was t a teenager when I had her! I’m older than I look!’
They’re unlikely to ask my age, but if they do they can still see that I’m not bothered. I also have two younger children so I just make jokes about how fun it was having toddlers and a teenager at the sane time! (It was a crazy time!)

Just smile, I found it easier being a young mum than I do now!

Toffeeandyawns · 15/01/2019 06:51

*WASNT a teenager!

QuitMoaning · 15/01/2019 07:00

Don’t complain about nasty comments and then do exactly the same

Some of those comments may be curious, some may be ignorance and some may be borne out of insecurity. Just respond politely and if necessary just ask them if they had considered how their comments made you feel. Most normal people will say sorry. The rest can be ignored completely.

IVEgottheDECAF · 15/01/2019 07:00

I had my first at 20, i am having my fifth this year at 31

I still get asked for ID for calpol

Some of the comments are just Confused yes i have a tv, and i realise how babies are made...

RosemarysBabyDress · 15/01/2019 07:01

People are having kids too late now which is why so many struggle through ivf
would it be easier if that was the reason wouldn't it Hmm

Some people chose to have a free life to enjoy when they are young, build a career and buy a house and settle their finance before starting a family, and don't have children until they are ready to settle and they have done enough partying and travelling so they can enjoy a family break for a few years. Nothing wrong with that either.

It's the judgement either way that is rather pathetic. Have your children when you feel ready for them, ignore the sad judgements.

silkpyjamasallday · 15/01/2019 07:09

I had DD at 21 and we live in an affluent area where most mums are in their late 30s/40s, I get lots of comments when I'm not actively ignored by other mums at the playground. I have been asked in more than one occasion if DD was 'an accident'. Also got asked if my DP was a drug dealer, as they can't imagine how we afford to live the same lifestyle as them in our twenties and presumably because he is Jamaican. I never have a good comeback so tend to just ignore these comments, but they do hurt. I try to remember that while I may be a younger mum, at least I'm not a racist, judgemental bitch passing on a horrible attitude to my DC.

Enidthecat · 15/01/2019 07:13

I don't think 21 is too young to have a baby if it's what you want, not at all. I know so many people who had their children in 20s and were fabulous mums and now are focusing on their careers.

I'm very sad at some of the derogatory comments on here about older mums. I'm 38 and expecting DC2. My son was born when I was 35. I met my husband in late 20s and we didn't get married until we were 33, then struggled to conceive.

Im certainly not haggard or dried up and that comment was plain mean. When my son leaves home I will be 53. Are we really saying this is 'old'?

Teateaandmoretea · 15/01/2019 07:16

It's the judgement either way that is rather pathetic. Have your children when you feel ready for them, ignore the sad judgements.

^^ couldn't agree more. Lots of things in life have no right or wrong including when/ if you have DC.

ChocolateWombat · 15/01/2019 07:21

I can see it's annoying.

But just smile and respond with a brief comment like 'well it's probably when our bodies were designed for it' type comment. Or 'well I'm happy for you, but I'm quite glad not to be entering that utterly exhausting phase now'

Absolutley don't look ashamed or as if you are apologising.

The alternative and probably better answer would simply be 'well we all make different choices don't we'

Sexnotgender · 15/01/2019 07:24

I had my daughter when I was 21, I’m now 36 and the only comments I get are that I don’t look old enough to have a 15 year old!

Weird that people seem so fixated on you.

digbymacbingley · 15/01/2019 07:27

It used to be the way to do things. You find yourself at the other end having done the hard bit and looking forward to “me” time. In answer to your question just say “OMG, I could never have a baby when I’m that old!”

Beamur · 15/01/2019 07:28

My Mum was 21 when she had me. From my perspective it was the perfect age.
Your colleagues are quite rude, I think the advice one poster said, to respond positively is good.
Too young? 'It was the right time for me' and so on.

TeddybearBaby · 15/01/2019 07:29

No one would ever say ‘omg I could never have a child that old!!’ There are somethings that are ‘allowed’ and others that are not, for example it’s ok for people to question my weight and openly ask me if I have an eating disorder but no one would say omg you’re so fat! I think if I was you I’d just say ‘I know I’m so lucky, it all worked out well for me. We’re all different’ that kind of thing x

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/01/2019 07:29

I find it strange you get so many comments and even stranger that you think a 37 yo with a child doing gcses is young.

I'm the same age as you op, my eldest left school 6 years ago he is 22, my dd is 18 this year and my youngest is 13.

SongforSal · 15/01/2019 07:31

I get this frequently to OP. My eldest is 18 and at uni, I am going to be 37 this year. Recently one woman at work literally did the math to my face.

''So if you are 36, and she is 18, that means you were....OH...You started young''. Drives me nuts. What do I say to that?! Well done you can count?!

MrsJayy · 15/01/2019 07:34

I had my first at 21 im now end of my 40s no school run no mummummuuum every 5 minutes it is lovely and peaceful is what I say if anybody comments which they think they are entitled to do cheeky feckers . Imagine if you said omg 37 are you not a bit old to be having a baby !

GoldenSyrupLion · 15/01/2019 07:51

I'd be jealous OP.

CherryPavlova · 15/01/2019 07:56

You chose to have a baby at 21. You knew you were comparatively young and must have realised that might attract comments as the child grew up. They don’t sound particularly unpleasant comments just chit chat. Can you not just smile and say “ Yes, I’m lucky to look so fabulous despite having teenagers”?

RedPandaMama · 15/01/2019 08:02

Oh tell them to fuck off.

I had an unplanned child at 21. She's 18 months now and it's not the life I would have chosen but I would never go back, she's the best thing to ever happen to me.

I keep thinking how when I'm 39, she'll be 18 and I can live my life while I'm still young, we can do loads of active things together, hopefully I'll have grandkids when I'm in my 40s/50s and be young enough to see them grow up and enjoy them without feeling too tired or worn out. Financially I've got the 'having kids' bit out of the way now so between ages 25 and 60 I can fully focus on my career, rather than having time off during my thirties.

People are always quick to judge when you go against the norm. They aren't worth a second thought Smile and while you can go home and put your feet up and have an intelligent conversation with your teenager, they'll have to go home and sit up with the baby while they won't sleep - is a different way to see it.

CountFosco · 15/01/2019 08:16

It's a work situation and it's people senior to you making the comments so just stick to the non-committal mumbling response. Or say 'yes, I don't there's ever a perfect time to have children'.

The responses people have suggested are far ruder than the comments said to you and will just get you at best a reputation for being awkward.

digbymacbingley · 15/01/2019 08:45

Precisely TeddybearBaby(?). Blind them with irony.

Awadebumbo · 15/01/2019 08:45

I also had my DD when I was 21 she’s 21 now and I still get the “you started young” coments. But I definitely think it had its advantages it’s a lot easier to manage on little sleep and I can go on holiday when I want as well. Oh and the biggest plus for me I don’t have to go to child friendly places anymore so can go for spa weekends and nice dinners etc and my DD can buy me alcoholGrin

pandechocolate · 15/01/2019 08:50

'So glad I got all the baby stuff out the way when I had the energy to do it. I'd hate to have to start that now. Still, I guess you were doing the work thing.'

^ This.