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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I respond to people commenting on the age I became a parent

115 replies

WobbleBottomBum · 14/01/2019 20:15

I had my child aged 21. I am now back working in the area I studied for having done retail & admin for 15 years. DC is now 16.

I'm 37 and this is the age most of my professional colleagues are having their first baby.

'Oh my god, I could never have had a child that young!'

'wow, I can't believe you have a teenager doing GCSEs!'

'you are only a 'basic entry level' still. God, I got that out of the way 10 years ago but I guess you were doing the mum thing'.

I'm getting tired of this and find it really hurtful.

Aibu to be upset ?
How do I respond in a professional way? What can I say in response? I normally just shrug or make noncommittal noises.

OP posts:
Houseonahill · 14/01/2019 20:38

amydowdensleftleftshoe it was a joke, I know lots of women who had children later in life who are fantastic mums and look fantastic too, no offence was meant.

LadyFlumpalot · 14/01/2019 20:39

Point out that by the time you hit 40 you will have a grown up child and therefore all the extra money, freedom and lie ins that come with that.

A lass I work with had her daughter at age 16. She's worked bloody hard ever since and now she's 40 she's loving life and reaping the benefits.

I had my oldest at 26, youngest at 29 and that means I'm going to be nearly 50 before I get any semblance of carefree living back again.

PristineCondition · 14/01/2019 20:39

I was 16, my son is now 16.
I tend to head tilt and stare in silence till they feel awkward and shit.

My youngest is 8 and most parents in the playground are 35+ and I still get comments, I also comment back on how it be hard to be an "older parent" one man who would stop mentioning my age so at one pick up I had my teen ask if he was picking up his grandchild

PristineCondition · 14/01/2019 20:40

Lost of errors in thatBlush

ForAMinuteThere · 14/01/2019 20:40

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that. You did you and they are doing them - just a quick it worked for us no problems! And be done with it. They probably admire you and don't know how to say it and come across as arseholes instead.

SuziQ10 · 14/01/2019 20:41

21 isn't a child. It's fine.
Be proud of how far you have come.

Let them comment, let them judge. Who the hell cares. I'd rather have a child at 21 than 41 for so many reasons. Hold your head high and think of all the wonderful years spent with your dear child. Thanks

tinytreefrog · 14/01/2019 20:41

I was 19 when I had dd1 now 14 and 22 when I had DD2 now 11, I've just started to get my career back underway, having done jobs which were convenient for child care until now.

I'm surprised at how young most people more senior to me look! And feel a bit left behind as I've started off in a very junior position with a view to do some more study in a couple of years.

I've done things the other way around to many, but figure while they're on mat leave in their late 30s I'll be working away at building my career and will hopefully end up in the same place.

I certainly don't regret doing things this way round, I've been young with my kids and that to me was and is amazing.

Skyejuly · 14/01/2019 20:42

I had my first at 17
He is 15 now. I don't take any notice.

loubluee · 14/01/2019 20:43

I had mine at 19. I would be delivering training and people found out I had a child doing GCSE’s (he’s now in university) and they would be shocked- you don’t look old enough!
Then I had those that praised me going to university when ds was less than 3 months old. 🤷🏻‍♀️. I’m proud of what I done so I don’t care what people have to say!!

Mumofaprinny · 14/01/2019 20:43

I know, it’s great, mine is nearly raised and most people haven’t started having kids yet... 😁

MooPointCowsOpinion · 14/01/2019 20:44

Fuck off seems like the best response.

I fell pregnant with my eldest at 22, turned 23 when she was born. No one says a thing to me but then I would be very quick to launch into a lecture about not being an arsehole if one can possibly help it, and I think I have that ‘look’.

If you need something nicer, try ‘bloody hell linda that’s the third time you’ve mentioned my kid’s age this week! Not loosing your faculties are you, my nan makes me have the same conversation three times a week too but she’s got to have at least a few years on you!’

6demandingchildren · 14/01/2019 20:44

I had the same thing, I just said to people that I didn't want to stop/start my career.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 14/01/2019 20:46

"at least I won't be a withered old hag when my DC finish school"

Nice attitude to have about older mums.

Original poster
WobbleBottomBum · 14/01/2019 20:46

Thanks for all the support. The thing is, it was unplanned, ex-partner was abusive and I was depressed, so I didn't have a 'lovely time with loads of energy' and I would know l was lying.

In addition (different partner) dh and I are talking about having children as he does not have any of his own, so I would look stupid if I was singing about 'freedom' then turn around and pop out a couple more.

I think I will just say 'thanks for the complement' or something like that.

OP posts:
MooPointCowsOpinion · 14/01/2019 20:46

at one pick up I had my teen ask if he was picking up his grandchild

Grin
HotSauceCommittee · 14/01/2019 20:50

To the first comment: “I can’t believe you had a child when you were that old! Do people think you are the Nan/Grandad” and watch the smile drip off their wrinkly old face like haemorrhoid cream for the 65+ market.

mrwalkensir · 14/01/2019 20:50

a mate felt like this until she went to a school reunion early-thirties …..and several friends were on ivf already. (and yep - early twenties is prime fertility so sod them....although I suspect as others have said that there's a certain air of awe)

mrwalkensir · 14/01/2019 20:50

a mate felt like this until she went to a school reunion early-thirties …..and several friends were on ivf already. (and yep - early twenties is prime fertility so sod them....although I suspect as others have said that there's a certain air of awe)

MooPointCowsOpinion · 14/01/2019 20:51

Wobble that’s even more shit that they’re bringing all that back for you, you don’t need reminding about everything you went through. You’re super strong, you’ve achieved more than they ever could, you got out of an abusive relationship with your child and took care of him and managed to heal enough to find love. That’s really a lot!

Sprinkles212 · 14/01/2019 20:52

'Hey, remember the time when I asked for your views on my life choices? Me neither, now sit down and shut up.'

If you are not the confrontational type, a simple 'It's great to have my mind, body and life back and I'm barely 40! Good luck with by the way.'

I'm guessing both sound quite rude.... Grin I often get people commenting on how is it possible that I have 3 children because I don't look old enough (I'm 37) and the oldest is 11 now. To me having my babies is perfectly normal and there's nothing odd or magical about it, I think people just open their mouths before engaging their brains. I take their comments with good grace and only ever give one of the above responses to anyone who I feel is particularly judgemental or nasty.

I'm sure your DC is a credit to you so head up, shoulder back and ignore the stupid comments.

BettyDuMonde · 14/01/2019 20:52

People are often noticeably aghast when I say my eldest is 18 - I usually follow up with ‘I know! It’s mad, isn’t it? I wasn’t even THAT YOUNG when he was born!’

Then they just assume I am older than I look ;)

Teateaandmoretea · 14/01/2019 20:53

21 is not going to have a child, we are designed for it!
My mum was 21 when she had me and I'm glad she wasn't older.

Women are designed to have babies anytime from their late teens to 40-ish. There is no right or wrong.

Meh OP people at work are generally flabbergasted I have children. Y'know because I'm only 41, it wasn't recent and I'm a manager. Most people at my work are still having babies at my age or not much younger. I was like 30 when I had my first, that's also considered 'young mum' territory. Ignore ignore ignore.

Mrsidgaf · 14/01/2019 20:53

I had my first at 21 and my second at 22. Happy I did as I'll be sitting on a beach with a cocktail in my 40s while them people have toddlers to deal with. Still got another 40 years of working so plenty of time to progress in my career 😊😊

QueenieIsLost · 14/01/2019 20:55

Honestky, I think I wouldn’t comment when people are saying things along the lines of ‘I couldn’t have a child that young’ because they are expressing what is their experience.
And there is nothing wrong with that (not with yours btw).
A lot of the answers proposed before wouod just look like you are defending yourself when really do you want or need to defend your decision to have a child at that age?

The ‘entry level’ comment WAS a direct attack and I would answer it as such.

MrsRhubarb · 14/01/2019 21:00

I remember my DAunt lamenting that she was in her fifties with teenagers, and would be 60 before they had flown the nest (and still might come back!) whereas the girls she knew from school who had babies young were all spending their forties and fifties travelling the world and having weekend lie-ins, and that actually they had got the better deal.